Something Like Winter

by Jay Bell

  “It’s not like I died,” Tim said, even though sometimes it felt that way. He sat on the bed next to Ben. Their backs were to the window that looked out on the back lawn, for which he was grateful. “Ever wish you had a time machine?”

  “For what?” Ben laughed, already guessing the answer. “What would you do, travel back here and lock teenage Tim in the closet?”

  “Yup. Literally this time. Then I’d wait in bed like the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood.”

  “I think teenage Ben would notice you were older.”

  Tim leaned against him. “But would he complain? That’s the question.”

  “I don’t remember you being this weird,” Ben said, changing subjects.

  “Yeah, well, that’s what living the life of a secluded millionaire will do to you.”

  Ben’s response was cut short by the sound of the garage door rumbling. Tim tensed.

  “Want to sneak out?” Ben offered.

  “No. Come on. Let’s go meet them.”

  His parents were already in the kitchen when they entered. His father yelped in shock, and his mother pressed a palm to her chest, but when they recognized him they relaxed. Somewhat.

  “¡Gordito! What are you doing here? Your car isn’t out front!”

  “I just thought I would stop by.” His parents’ full attention was already focused on Ben. “Uh, this is Ben. Ben Bentley. Do you remember him? He had dinner with us when—”

  Tim’s father tossed his car keys on the kitchen table. “I’m going up to my office.”

  “Why?” Tim said, stepping in his way. “It’s been ages since you saw me, and you’re going to walk away just because I brought my boyfriend along? Seriously?”

  His father scowled. “This is my house, young man, and I’ll do as I please!”

  Tim stepped aside, sparing a glance for Ben who had moved out of the way. He had his arms crossed defensively over his chest and appeared exceedingly uncomfortable. This made Tim all the more angry. His parents could at least act civil.

  “Why do you even care?” Tim shouted after him. “You never wanted a kid, so why do you care that I turned out different than you expected? You couldn’t give a shit about anything good I’ve ever done, but you’ve always been there to make me feel bad when I do wrong.”

  His father spun around, face red with barely contained rage. “Maybe if you weren’t such a disappointment I would have cared more!”

  “What did you want me to be?” Tim retorted. “Like you? Get a wife, run a boring business, and treat my kids to icy silence? If that’s what I was supposed to be, then I’m glad I disappoint you so much.” Tim glanced at his mother. “And thanks for the few times a year you remembered to pay attention to me. That was real generous of you.”

  Tim headed for the door, catching Ben’s eye to make sure he’d follow. Time to get out of here. Tim couldn’t imagine ever coming back. On his way out of the kitchen, he pushed past his father, wanting to shove him, knock him up against the wall—anything to make him hurt half as much as he did. But instead he kept moving, turning his back on him.

  Ben followed him through the house, nearly running to keep up. Tim’s hand was on the front door when a voice called after him.

  “¡Gordito!”

  And he hated himself for doing it, but he hesitated because he still loved his mother, even though he often wished he could forget her altogether. He turned around, noticing how miserable Ben looked. So he put an arm around him. His mother’s eyes widened.

  “What?” he spat. “What can you possibly say after all these years? Do you know how lonely I was growing up, how desperate for attention I was? And when I figure out the kind of person I need by my side to not feel that way, you turn your back on me completely. What kind of mother are you?”

  “We weren’t ready,” his mother said quickly. “I’m sorry. We weren’t ready for a child, and I tried, and I thought you had enough. Later I saw other parents with their children, and I realized how little we gave you. But you were already older then, too old to start coddling.”

  “It’s never too late. I don’t need you to coddle me, but you can treat me like I matter to you.”

  His mother took a step forward. “You do matter!”

  “Then why aren’t you a part of my life?” Her eyes flicked to Ben and back. “I thought if I brought him here, you would see… I don’t know, that you would understand. It’s just love. It’s no different.” Tim turned, opening the door for Ben so they could leave. “If you ever want to be a part of my life,” he said over his shoulder, “you know where to find me.”

  He thought he heard his mother crying on his way out, but he could no longer let that dictate his actions. He had to live his own life, and her tears were her own doing. She could be laughing right now, cooking up a meal for them both and congratulating him on finding Ben again. She was responsible for her own pain. The choice was hers, not his.

  “I’m sorry,” Ben said as they walked back to the car.

  “It’s not your fault,” Tim said.

  “No, I mean for when we were younger. My parents aren’t like yours. When I came out, they were worried about my safety. Maybe it took a little time for them to get used to the idea, but mostly they just had questions. I naively thought it would be the same for you, the same for everyone, so I kept pressuring you to come out.”

  Tim shook his head. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Being in the closet didn’t make me happy. You did. I made the wrong choice. Even when you weren’t around, I was glad I came out. I spent so long wishing for their approval and living a lie that it was a relief not to have to try anymore. No more pretending.”

  Ben took his hand. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.”

  Tim sighed. “Maybe your parents can adopt me.”

  “Want me to ask?”

  “Yeah. Or I could marry into the family.”

  “My sister Karen recently got divorced,” Ben teased.

  “That’s not quite what I meant. Hey, did you notice when I called you my boyfriend in front of my parents?”

  Ben hesitated. “Yeah.”

  “You didn’t disagree. That makes it legal.”

  “Really? Is that a Kansas law?”

  “Nope. Texas only. I looked it up.”

  “Okay.”

  Tim glanced over at him. “Okay?”

  “Yeah. Okay. I’ll even let you take me out to dinner.”

  “One more stop,” Tim said. “Then I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

  Once again they drove to a different neighborhood and parked near one of the bike path entrances. As they walked, Tim held Ben’s hand with confidence. Maybe the previous surprises hadn’t been a hit, but Tim was certain Ben would like this one. They walked down the path together, entering a stretch where the trees on one side fell away to make room for a drainage ditch. The grass was speckled with seasonal yellow. The ditch was just deep enough to cause an injury if someone fell in—a severely sprained ankle, for instance.

  “Right here,” Tim said.

  Ben shook his head and pulled on his hand. “A little farther. Trust me, I remember this one. I had to come back for my Rollerblades.”

  Tim let Ben lead him farther down the path. “This far? Are you sure?”

  “Yup. Right here. See that rock down there? It’s probably still splattered with your DNA.”

  “Good,” Tim said. “That way future generations can clone me.”

  Ben laughed, but his face grew somber as he stared down into the ditch. Was he remembering? If so, why did he look so damn unhappy? Tim had brought him here to show how far they had come, that they had started from something small and could do so again. Maybe Tim needed to take it a step further.

  “I feel faint,” he said, groaning dramatically before toppling over and rolling down ditch’s slope. The keys in his pocket hurt like hell, but this time his fall was controlled. He managed to stop just before hitting the rock.

  “Are you crazy?” Ben
shouted after him.

  “No, but I think I jacked up my ankle again.”

  “Whatever. Get back up here!”

  “I can’t!” Tim groaned. “You have to come rescue me.” He stared at the sky until Ben’s head appeared against the blue and white backdrop. He was smiling. That was something. Tim extended a hand. “Help me up.”

  The second Ben took his hand, Tim pulled him down on top of him. Ben’s knee landed dangerously close to his crotch, and the wind was nearly knocked from him, but he didn’t care. He wrapped his arms tight around Ben, who squirmed in protest before giving in.

  “You’ll have to let go of me eventually!” he said.

  “Nope.” Tim shook his head. “Never again.”

  “What if someone sees us down here?”

  Tim gasped sarcastically. “Sounds like something I would have said.”

  Ben laughed and howled while trying to fight his way free, and eventually Tim loosened his grip. When Ben pushed himself up on his elbows, his eyes were wet from tears. And although the tears had come from laughter, Tim could still see something sad there.

  “What’s going on?” he said. “Whatever it is, tell me.”

  Ben sighed. “I get what you’re doing today—taking me around to all these places. And standing up to your parents like that. That was both horrifying and wonderful at the same time.”

  “They had it coming,” Tim said before searching Ben’s eyes again. “So why do I feel like you’re sad?”

  “These places,” Ben glanced around them. “I know exactly where you hurt your ankle because I came back here countless times. After we broke up, I’d walk by here or your house or even the playground by the lake. You asked if I ever wished I had a time machine, and the answer is yes. For months, maybe even years, I wished I could turn back time and stop that night from happening.”

  “Would you still?”

  Ben rolled over on to his back. “No. Yes. I don’t know. Part of me wishes we could have been together our entire lives. The other part knows that if we hadn’t fallen apart, I never would have met Jace, and I wouldn’t wish that away. Ever.”

  Tim sat up and turned to face him. “That’s okay. I’ve thought the same thing before. I regretted leaving you for so long, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met Eric. I love him. Not in the same way you love Jace, but I’d hate to have never met him. Maybe I would have anyway, except we would have met him together.”

  Ben frowned. “I don’t think that would have worked with Jace.”

  “I guess not.”

  “I want to be with you,” Ben said. “You coming back into my life feels like a miracle. It’s just that we both have so much baggage. All the bad things that happened here or in Austin, which is worse, because it’s also full of happy memories with Jace. I wish we could start over somewhere without—”

  “We’ll move.” Tim said. “New York, Canada, Europe. You name it. I’ll sell the house and we’ll start over again.”

  Ben shook his head. “It’s not that easy. Austin feels like home now. I love my work, and Allison is there. And what about the gallery?”

  “None of that matters.”

  But he knew it did. The gallery was part of Eric’s legacy, and taking Ben away from everything else that made him happy wouldn’t be good in the long run. Tim’s pulse raced, feeling he was losing Ben again.

  Then he took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. They had made it twelve years. Even if they weren’t together for all that time, their feelings for each other had lasted that long. They just needed a neutral place to start over.

  Tim reached out, taking Ben’s hands and pulling him into a sitting position. “Let’s get away from it all. Not permanently. Just for a little while. We’ll take a trip but leave the baggage at home.”

  “Yeah?” Ben considered the idea. “I could push my appointments at the hospital back a week. Think that’ll be enough?”

  Tim laughed. “For you to fall madly in love with me again? How long did it take the first time?”

  Ben’s face flushed, but he nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it. Where are we going to go?”

  Chapter Thirty-five

  “Mexico City?” said the woman behind the counter as she eyed their passports.

  She had their reservation on the screen and probably wouldn’t hear his response, but Tim went along with this strange airport ritual and answered in the affirmative. Then he glanced back at Ben, whose attention was elsewhere. Tracing his line of sight, Tim saw a group of flight attendants, chatting happily as they pulled their luggage behind them.

  Of course.

  That would explain the return of Ben’s haunted look. The woman at the counter spoke again, Tim nodding through the rest of the process. Had another of his ideas failed already? If so, he only had himself to blame. Of course an airport would make Ben think of Jace—astronaut of the stratosphere. And now that Tim considered the situation, he remembered Jace had often whisked Ben away to exotic destinations.

  The realization made him want to drive to Mexico City instead, especially when Ben remained silent all through the security screening. But once past this procedure, Tim began feeling optimistic. He loved the buzz of an airport, how everybody was jetting off to somewhere new or finally returning home again. Everyone was in transition, no one truly belonging there, which meant no one was an outsider. All were of equal status. At least until it came time to board.

  “This is going to be fun,” Tim said.

  Ben managed a smile. “It’s been a long time since I travelled. How long is the flight?”

  “About two and a half hours.”

  “Should we stock up on drinks and snacks?”

  “Why?” Tim asked. “They’ll be serving us lunch, and we get all the drinks we want.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since always. We’re flying business class, baby!”

  Ben perked up. “Really? I’ve only flown economy before.”

  This made all the difference. Faced with a new experience, Ben focused on where they were going instead of where he had been—and with whom. During the flight, they played with the seat controls like a couple of kids, taking shameless advantage of all the perks and privileges the overpriced seats brought them. The flight attendants—all of them female, thankfully—treated them like royalty. Time flew by like the clouds, and the plane soon began circling a sprawling metropolis as it began its descent.

  Tim leaned over Ben’s lap, both of them looking out the window. “Wait until you see the city at night. It’s like the land is on fire.”

  Ben would see it every night. Tim hadn’t just splurged on business class tickets. The hotel suite he had reserved was magnificent. From their room on the twenty-third floor, Ben would view the city like an emperor on high. Then Tim would drag him into the Jacuzzi built for two. Maybe he’d even have the tub filled with champagne instead of water. Tim would love to have a limo pick them up at the airport, but one small kink had formed in his romantic plans.

  “I told you my abuelita is picking us up from the airport, right?”

  “Your what?”

  “My grandma, Nana.”

  “No.” Ben shot him a nervous glance. “Does she know about me?”

  Tim laughed. “Don’t worry. She’s not nearly as bad as my parents. I mean, I thought she would be worse. Not in a mean way,” he added quickly. “I figured my sexuality would break her heart. Instead she mostly took it in stride.”

  “Mostly?”

  “Well, we don’t exactly talk about it much. And she’s never seen me with another guy. That’s going to be weird.”

  Ben stared until Tim nudged him, triggering a smile. “Well, I’m looking forward to meeting her. Remember how I did all that research on Mexico City to impress your mom?”

  Tim groaned. “Yes, and please, just be yourself. No hammy book reports.”

  “Of course not.” Ben paused. “Did you know that Mexico City has the largest public transportation network in the world?”


  “Stop,” Tim pleaded.

  “And the most affordable, making it a form of transit that truly belongs to the people.”

  “Shoot me now,” Tim begged. “Put me out of my misery!”

  Ben kept teasing him with all the facts he could still remember, but as the plane touched down, Tim began to worry. What if his grandmother couldn’t cope with seeing him and Ben together? Then again, they weren’t going to make out in front of her or anything, even though Tim would jump at the opportunity. They still hadn’t kissed since the night of the gallery opening. He respected that Ben wanted to take it slow, but waiting for him to make the first move was driving Tim crazy.

  Stomachs burbling with nerves, they waited at the luggage carousel until their bags appeared. Tim took both of them, sending Ben a cocky wink that belied how uncertain he felt about the situation.

  Nana, here is the love of my life. Love of my life, here is my grandma. Now duke it out!

  Customs let them pass without much difficulty, the fogged glass doors opening automatically to generic airport corridors full of waiting people. He scanned the eager faces, aiming low since Nana was short. He spotted her hair first, which she wore high like a honey-colored helmet. Below this were huge amber sunglasses and a smile, her arms opening in invitation as she happily declared, “¡Mi nieto!”

  Tim grinned, his worries temporarily forgotten as he set down the luggage and moved toward the woman who was stout, dark, and wrinkled—like a bag of brown sugar. As she took Tim in her arms, he remembered that she was just as sweet. She kissed both his cheeks. Holding his face in her hands, she examined him. “¡Tan hermoso!”

  Feeling about eight years old, Tim gently moved her hands away and nodded to Ben. “Nana, éste es mi novio, Ben.” There. Just like in his fantasy, he said it. He used the word “boyfriend” instead of “love of my life,” but it was out there now. Tim held his breath.

  Nana looked at Ben and threw her arms open wide, giving him the same treatment she’d given Tim, except instead of calling Ben handsome, she said bonito. Beautiful. Tim agreed.

  “It is very good to meet you, Ben,” Nana said with practiced care. Her accent was so thick she made his name sound like “bean.”