“No. I realized it a couple days later, when we were shopping and I told you about that kid dying in Colombia. I was fucking awful to you, and you just let me be, and you didn't let me go. You listened to me, and then do you remember what you said, later on?” he asked. She frowned and thought back to that day. It had been intense, so many emotions. So many words.
“We said a lot,” she replied.
“You said that you'd let me break you, because breaking you might make me whole again,” he reminded her.
Jesus, she'd said that? She was almost impressed with herself.
“You certainly took that statement to heart,” she managed a sad little laugh.
“I was so scared after that, Tor. Wondering how and when I would fuck everything up. What I would do to ruin it. I thought by going to Thailand, by doing something good again, it would help. How could I ruin something good when I was doing the best thing I possibly could? I didn't expect you to come with me,” he sighed, absent mindedly scratching at his cast. “I didn't expect you to be fucking spectacular. I didn't expect you to make the awful jobs and all the blood and crying and sweat and horror bearable. More than bearable. Jesus, I liked the time we spent together there. I enjoyed it. Every awful day, because I knew at the end I'd get to go back to that shitty tent and spend time with you.”
“I wish you'd said all this back then,” she cried and wiped at her face.
“Me, too. Maybe if I'd learned how to be honest with you, I would've called you and told you what I'd decided to do. You would've pointed out what an awful fucking idea it was, and I would've listened, and we'd probably just be coming home right now, and we'd be together. The way we were meant to be,” he said, ending in a soft voice. She closed her eyes and tried to regain control of herself.
“Why?” she whispered, not opening her eyes. “Why on earth did you think stealing those drugs would be a good idea?”
“Because it was easy money,” he answered simply. “At least in my mind. I thought it through and I was just like ... these guys are idiots. From the streets of Bangkok. They didn't know my full name, didn't know what aide group I was working with, didn't know which town I was working in. How could they possibly find me? How could they even be positive it was me who took them?”
“How did you get the drugs?” Tori asked. He stared down at his cast.
“I paid some homeless guy to pull the fire alarm in the club. Some fights broke out, distracted most of the guards and bouncers. I just grabbed two bricks and ran. Literally fucking ran. Paid a cab driver to take me somewhere I could pawn the coke off fast. That was it. Easy peezy.”
“Yeah, super easy,” she sighed.
“I just kept thinking these guys are idiots, and I'm a fucking U.S. doctor. I've got this. So fucking stupid.”
“Beyond stupid,” she corrected him. “Those guys have probably been selling drugs since they were little boys, i.e. they've been doing their jobs LONGER than you've been doing yours. Such an idiot, Landon.”
“I know, I know. Looking back, fuck. It's like ... who is that guy, and what the fuck does he think he's doing?” he grumbled. “I just wanted ... I wanted to help, you know? Just a well. Just a shitty well, and everything would be solved. The village saved, my demons laid to rest, the damsel impressed, all in one shot. I could go home with you with a clear conscience. Be the kind of guy you deserved, the kind of guy you needed me to be.”
She was back to crying in earnest, again.
“I didn't need you to be anyone,” she sobbed. “I liked you the way you were. I liked the asshole and the doctor and the idiot. You didn't have to do all that, you didn't have to ruin it. But you did. You ruined everything, and now I'm all alone again, and jesus christ, I miss you so much, and I hate you for that. I hate you, Landon Edenhoff.”
“Good,” he breathed. “You should hate me. I did wrong by you practically every step of the way, and then I almost got you killed. You're better off without me.”
She cried even harder, squeezing her eyes shut tight.
“Then why are you here!?”
“Because I did so much wrong, I knew I had to do one thing right. I had to tell you the truth,” he said, and she suddenly felt his fingers gently combing through her damp hair. “And I'm selfish. I had to see you one last time before I went away.”
“Went ... away?” she sniffled and hiccuped as she finally managed to look at him again.
“I'm going to rehab.”
She groaned and rolled her eyes.
“You make it sound like you're dying. And I doubt some twenty-eight-day, twelve-step, kumbaya-fest will have any effect on -”
“I'm not going for twenty-eight days.”
She frowned.
“What?”
“I'm going for three months,” he said, still toying with a strand of her hair. “Intensive in-patient rehab. I'm voluntarily surrendering myself. Once I check in, I can't check out until the three months are up, and even then, I might only get approved to go live in a halfway house.”
“Three months,” she breathed. Or maybe more. They'd both be completely different people by the time he got out. “That's what's required to get your medical license fully reinstated, or whatever?”
Landon shook his head.
“I'm not going just to get my license back, Tor. I'm going to get my life back. To get ...” his voice trailed off, and she snorted.
“I swear to god, if you say to get me back, I'll lose my fucking mind.”
“No,” he chuckled. “I know that's not possible. But maybe ... maybe if I go, and I really do it, I can become the man you thought I was; the man you were falling for. I figure any guy you'd like, well, he'd have to be a pretty great guy. I wanna be that guy. Become someone you'd be proud of. Even if you're not in my life, Tori ... just knowing I'd be the kind of man you'd approve of, it would make it all worth it.”
They stared at each other for a long, tense moment. She was still crying. She didn't think she'd ever stop. He'd broken her heart more times than she could count. More than she'd thought was possible. And now here he was in front of her, being so beautiful and perfect, it shattered everything left in her.
“I hate you,” she whispered. He smiled sadly, and the hand in her hair moved to the side of her face.
“I know,” he whispered back. “I hate me, too. You eventually get used to it.”
When he pulled her in for a kiss, she let out a sob against his mouth. She shouldn't let him do this, he didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve one ounce of kindness from her. One moment of closure.
But then again, this is just as much for me as it is for him.
Tori gasped and leaned closer, startling him as she deepened the kiss. Then she started pushing him back into his seat, following as he moved until she was awkwardly straddling his lap.
“This is a bad idea,” he breathed, bracing his hand against her collarbone, trying to keep her at bay.
“It's awful,” she agreed, struggling to take off her sweater. She was wearing a camisole underneath and he held it in place until she was able to throw the bulky outer layer into the backseat.
“I didn't come here to do this,” he insisted, lifting up his hands like he was under arrest. “I don't want to take advantage of you.”
“You can't anymore,” she promised him. “I'm taking advantage of you, now.”
Before he could argue against her odd logic, she kissed him again, holding his head in both her hands. His injured arm went around her, his cast pressing heavily into her back as he held onto her.
“Please,” he begged when she pulled away. “Please, Tori, I can't ... I can't ...”
“What?”
“I'm weak,” he whispered in such a broken voice, it pierced something in her soul. “And I can't stop this. I want it too much.”
“You and I,” she sighed, smoothing her hands down his chest. “We were never meant to be. Too different, too fucked up. Made all the wrong choices for all the wrong reasons. We were only ever good
at one thing, really, so let's say goodbye in the best way we know how.”
There was a long pause. She could feel him staring at her face, but she refused to look up. She concentrated on his chest, on his broad shoulders and firm muscles.
“Baby,” he sighed, and for just a second, she detected some of his old playfulness back in his voice. “We were good at everything. People only wish they could know greatness like ours.”
He cupped his hand around her jaw and forced her to look at him, held onto her while he kissed her. Pulled her flush to his body while his tongue explored her mouth.
Everything was going so fast. Their heart beats, their breathing, time, space. If they slowed down, their ugly truth would rear its head again and she wouldn't get one last perfect moment with him. She just wanted one. Just one more.
She managed to wrestle his t-shirt over his head. She'd just gotten his belt and fly apart when his good hand found its way into her panties. She groaned as her eyes fluttered shut and her hips started involuntarily moving along to the rhythm of his fingers.
“You are the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,” he sighed. “I'm going to miss seeing you like this.”
Tori bit her bottom lip and shook her head.
“You won't,” she replied, pulling her hips away from him and shoving her hand down his pants. “In three months, you won't even remember me.”
“I could never forget you,” he insisted. “You're the best -”
He choked on his words when her hand wrapped around the base of his erection. He struggled to breathe as she stroked up and down, then he got control of himself. His hand was back under her skirt, and it was an awkward job with his other hand in the cast, but he managed to shove the crotch of her underwear to the side. She helped him guide his hard length inside her and their hands met in the middle for a second before their hips became flush with each other.
“Don't,” she said in a loud voice, covering his mouth when he started to speak again. “Please don't. Just let this moment happen. Let it be like it was, okay? Just this one last time.”
His chocolate brown eyes, always so intense, stared at her from over her hand. He seemed to understand and while he slowly nodded, she felt his hips start moving. He pulled out as far he could, then gently slid back.
Tori shuddered and wrapped both her arms around his neck, holding him close as she rocked her hips back against his. Both his arms were around her, holding her even tighter, and she buried her face in his hair.
Just this one last time ...
The emotions and the tension and the friction between them were all too much. She finally sat up straight again, giving them both more room to move. His cast was back behind her hips, once again holding her firmly to his thrusts. She kept one hand on his shoulder as she met him thrust for thrust, her bottom lip firmly clamped between her teeth.
And they never once looked away from each other.
“I can't believe I ever got to touch you,” he breathed, running his fingertips down the side of her face. “And I can't believe I ever took it for granted.”
“You were the best ...” she managed to say, but she couldn't finish the sentence as a tremor ripped through her body.
“And you were even better,” he assured her, his hand falling to her chest. She wasn't wearing a bra and he cupped her breast through the thin fabric of her top. “Better than anything I ever deserved.”
“Landon,” she moaned his name. “I think I ... I think I ...”
She didn't want to be speaking, but the moment was too much for her. With each thrust, he was pumping the truth out of her, and her heart was his evil little accomplice.
Not that she had to speak, though. He always knew what she was thinking.
“I think you loved me,” he finished for her, leaning forward so his lips were brushing against hers. She sobbed and nodded her head.
“I do. I do, so much, and that's why everything hurts,” she cried. His hand was back in her hair, flat against the back of her skull and forcing her forehead to press against his own.
“And I think I love you, too, and that hurts even more,” he whispered back.
When he kissed her, it undid everything. Every wall she'd built over the last two weeks, every safeguard she'd put in place, every lie she'd told herself. It all came tumbling down and she cried and she shook and she came and though she didn't forgive him, she didn't stop loving him, either.
She coiled both arms around his neck and just cried for a while. He murmured things in her ear, sweet things, but she didn't pay attention. Just held on and prolonged the moment as long as she could.
“Are you okay?” he whispered after she'd finally stopped crying. She sniffled and managed to shrug.
“No,” she was honest. “But I think I will be.”
“I know you will be,” he replied, stroking her hair.
“Landon, we ...” she wasn't sure what to say. She'd needed this moment in the worst way, but now she was afraid of what he was thinking.
“We're saying goodbye,” he said simply and clearly. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and nodded.
“I'll miss you,” she was honest.
“I'll miss you more.”
“Doubtful.”
He barked out a laugh, and again, for just a second, it was almost like old times. Like they were back in Thailand, teasing and flirting and picking at each other.
It was as good a moment as any to end on, so Tori slowly extricated herself from him. Fell over the middle console into her seat while she tried to straighten out her panties. Landon got his pants put back to rights while she pulled her sweater out of the backseat.
“So when do you go?” Tori asked, pulling on the damp top.
“Tomorrow,” he sighed, pulling his t-shirt into place. “I have to check in by eight in the morning.”
“You gonna be okay?” she questioned, leaning back against her door and watching him. He was back to glaring at the windshield, his right hand poking at his cast again. She realized he must have been dying for a cigarette.
“Probably. I haven't used in a while. Honestly, I'm more scared of the fact they'll make me go off my pain killers,” he replied, glancing down at the cast. She grimaced.
“Was it bad?”
His glance bounced to her next.
“Yes.”
“What did they do?”
“You don't want to know.”
“I do.”
“They used a lead pipe,” he said in a low voice. “I fucked with their job, so they wanted to fuck with mine.”
“Did it take a long time?”
“Yes.”
Tori chewed on her lip. She didn't want to feel bad for him – she still felt like her ordeal was worse. If Velez hadn't stepped up, she really would've been sold, and there would be no coming back from that, no cast to help her out. But still. She frowned, then reached for her purse.
“What are you doing?” Landon asked while she dug around the depths of the bag. When she finally found a marker, she pulled it out.
“This.”
She popped the cap off and leaned over his arm, blocking his view. She scribbled out a message, then moved away. He tilted his head so he could see it, then laughed.
“'Don't fuck this up, Doc',” he read out loud while he shook his head.
“You can do this, Landon. I believe in you,” she told him honestly. He gave her a sad smile.
“I wasn't gonna ask this, but ...” he hesitated for a while, and she was surprised that he looked nervous. Not a natural look on him. “They told me there would be group days. Days when we're supposed to call in family and friends. People we've wronged. You don't even have to talk, or anything, but if you wanted to, you could just visit.”
Tori's automatic response was to say of course. She wanted Landon to get better. He was a good doctor, and deep down, an even better person. And if he needed her help, well then, it would be awfully selfish of her to say no.
But then she thought of her
counselor's words, right before she'd walked out of the office. She took a deep breath and shook her head.
“No,” she answered. His eyebrows shot up for a moment, then he slowly nodded.
“Okay. I get it,” he said, but she knew he didn't. He thought she was angry, and while she was, that wasn't her reason for denying him.
“I have a lot of work to do, too. On myself. It's ... it's not my job to keep you on a good path, that's your job, something you need to learn to do on your own. I can't always be the one looking out for everybody, I'm not the neighborhood watch. I'm ... I'm sorry, but I can't listen to your problems right now, I have to deal with my own.”
She felt guilty and she felt bad, but shockingly enough, the biggest emotion she felt was relief. Her counselor had been right. Tori couldn't help anyone, least of all Landon, until she learned how to take care of herself.
There was another long silence. He was staring at her, but there was no anger in his eyes. No malice or regret or shame. Slowly, he started to smile.
“I'm proud of you, Victoria,” he whispered. She smiled back at him, then wiped away a stray tear.
“Thanks, Dr. Edenhoff. I'm proud of me, too.”
TORI DROVE HIM BACK to his car, which was still in the parking lot near her counselor's office. They stood between their vehicles for a long while, holding hands and saying goodbye. She made him promise to take care of himself, and to go easy on Liam.
“He loves you.”
“I know.”
“And you love him, too.”
“I know.”
He asked if he could call her. She almost cracked, but in the end, she stayed strong. She told him no. Her cell phone had been lost with everything else in Thailand, and when she'd gotten a new one in the states, she'd gotten a new number, as well.
She didn't give it to him.
They hugged one last time. She clung to him, standing on her tiptoes so she could wrap her arms around him and curl her fingers into the back of his t-shirt.
“Just remember,” he whispered. “At one point in time, we both loved each other. That means there's hope for me.”
Neighborhood Watch Page 21
