by Adams, S. C.
Abby tilted her chin up and gripped her hands next to her sides.
“I tried to get in touch with you. But if you remember correctly, you changed your phone number and my emails bounced back too. You didn’t tell me you were leaving, nor did you tell me where you were going. I tried to ask Dr. McNamara’s office but they wouldn’t release your personal information and I have no idea what staffing agency books you. You made it kind of difficult to get a hold of you.”
I lowered my voice and stared at her.
“Did you tell Dr. McNamara’s office you were having my baby? I’m sure they would have found some way to get a message to me.”
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No of course I didn’t. Who would do that? Um, I’m having a baby that was conceived on this very exam table? You’d lose your medical license in about two seconds.”
I nodded letting out a deep breath. The girl was smart and I was really grateful for that.
“I absolutely violated medical ethics, you’re right, and that’s on me. And I appreciate your quick thinking because most women in your position wouldn’t even have been able to anticipate the consequences. I just never in my wildest dreams thought that something like this would happen.”
She stared at me and I could see the anger building inside of her. I was almost afraid to continue talking but she had it for me.
“You never thought I might get pregnant? Even though we never used contraception, and I was a virgin that first time?”
I looked down at Mattie, who cooed happily while gnawing on his hand. I took a deep breath, trying to keep my voice calm.
“No, I didn’t think of it because you’re not the type of woman I usually date.”
“Oh really?” she snapped. “And what is that woman like?”
I shrugged.
“She’s usually older. She’s been sexually active since she was fifteen, and has been on contraceptives for twenty years. Usually, she doesn’t even want kids, so that’s not an issue. I swear, Abby. Even if it sounds dumb in retrospect, I never thought that you might get pregnant.”
The woman looks like she’s about to kill me, but then she takes a deep breath, calming herself. I made use of the small pause.
“And he’s beautiful, Abigail. Mattie is absolutely perfect, and I wanted to say thank you for having my child. It couldn’t have been easy.”
She looks down, her cheeks growing red. I press my advantage.
“And you’ve made this apartment look really nice. I can tell that he has toys and everything that he needs. When you said that you had a baby, it never ran through my mind that I thought you would be a bad mother. I would never think that about you. You’re too kind and too sweet, and I’m sure you’re probably one of the best mothers out there.”
My eyes shifted up toward her to see what her reaction was, hoping my words at least soothed some of the hurt. However, Abby’s emotions were flickering back and forth, and when she looked up, I could see the fire had been lit again. Hell, I deserved it.
“Why did you ditch me?” she asked through gritted teeth, careful to keep her tone calm so as not to alarm the baby. “I came to your apartment just to say hello and I had to be told by the old lady next door that you had moved out that morning. You didn’t even have the balls to tell me yourself. I would have understood. I would have been disappointed yes, but I wasn’t going to embarrass you with some teary goodbye. But you didn’t even bother to say goodbye. It was so damn selfish of you.”
I opened my mouth to talk but then closed it again. I could tell she didn’t want to hear my excuses. She needed to get it all out, and she had every right to. She began to pace the floor and I stood there holding Mattie close to me.
“You basically ghosted me. You are a grown adult and you ghosted me. Who does that? You literally changed your cell phone number like I was some weird stalker. And it’s not like you have a social media presence for me to stay in contact with you. How in the hell was I supposed to get a hold of you? Did you think that magically everything would be okay? Did you think you could come back here and act like nothing ever happened? I didn’t do anything wrong, Ryder. You are the one who did everything wrong. You can’t treat people like that.”
My head hung and I felt absolutely terrible.
“I know what I did was wrong. It was just part of my lifestyle at the time, and I felt horrible about it from the moment I did it. I’ve never had well … feelings before. And over the last year I’ve completely changed because I can’t even look at another woman without thinking of you. I don’t go out to bars anymore, I don’t date anyone while I’m out, and all I think about is you.”
Her face showed me she wasn’t impressed with my changes.
“Oh really? Am I supposed to give you a gold star for that? Is that supposed to make me feel better? That you got your life together and realized you had done wrong? So, if you realized all that, then why didn’t you get a hold of me? Why didn’t you reach out to me and tell me that you were sorry, even if you weren’t ready for a relationship? That would have been the decent thing to do, especially after you treated me that way.”
I nodded. “I understand everything you’re saying and I agree. And I don’t have any excuses. But Abby, what I’m saying is real. I really do care about you, and as a result, my emotions were thrown for a loop. Out of all the places I’ve been, and all the women I’ve met, I’ve never felt bad about leaving. Not once. This was the first time that I felt something, and I admit, I behaved boorishly because of it.”
She gaped at me.
“So you felt emotions, and as a result, became an ass? How does that even make sense? Was it some sort of pride thing? You could have said something like, “Hey, I’m taking some time off to think,” and none of this would’ve been an issue.”
I shook my head not even knowing what to say really. I just kept repeating myself.
“I know. I know. Like I said, it was just part of my lifestyle back then, and I never thought this would happen.”
Abby was incensed. Her face had gone beet red and her voice was steadily rising in tone. She was trying desperately hard to hold back, and to refrain from yelling at me in front of the baby.
“So, let me try again, just so that I fully understand what you’re saying. You cared about me, but because this was all new to you, you decided to be an asshole?”
I stared at her for a moment and then nodded my head, ashamed of what I was admitting. I had never thought about it like that before. I thought of myself as a man going through a sensitive and emotional time, but in reality, I was a coward.
“I’m sorry, Abby,” I said in a low voice. “I know how this sounds, and it’s bad. But it’s true, and when I finished sorting through my emotional mess, I realized I’d fucked up. But by then, it was too late, and I didn’t know how to fix it. It was messed up, maybe I’m messed up, but I know that what I did was wrong. I don’t know how to make up for it.”
She stomped her foot angrily. “You can’t make up for it. You can’t make up for doing something like that to somebody you care about. There is no going back in situations like this. For the rest of our lives, I will remember that that happened. No matter how well we do at co-parenting, I will remember what it felt like to be ghosted by a man who left me pregnant.”
I stood there, my heart breaking in my chest. I did this to her, and I deserved the verbal beating. In fact, I deserved so much worse than what she was giving me, and the sorrow and anger in Abby’s expression only increased my resolve to make this right somehow. But how? She hated me, and it wasn’t clear that we could ever find a path to be together again.
26
Abby
I don’t think I’ve ever been this furious in my entire life. I managed to stay calm for a year, but having Ryder before me now made my blood boil. How could he? How could he say he was “emotionally lost” and “should have known better”? What grown man says those things?
I lost all control of my voice and began to s
cream. Of course, that made Mattie cry which made the situation even worse. I managed to wrest Mattie away from his father and soothed my little boy before putting him in his crib for a quick nap. Fortunately, Mattie settled immediately and was soon sound asleep with a thumb in his mouth.
But that still left the problem of Ryder. I stalked back to the living room with a tense jaw and my hands balled into fists. I paced the floor not knowing what to do with myself. I whipped around and pointed at him.
“How could you do this to us?” I said through gritted teeth. “You knew that we didn’t always use protection. You knew that! It doesn’t take a genius to know how a baby is made. Maybe you should’ve thought about the fact that I could’ve ended up pregnant. You’re a doctor, for Christ’s sake! You should have left me with a way to get a hold of you just in case I ended up pregnant. What MD does that?”
Of course, we’d already discussed this, but my rage knew no bounds. I was going to keep bringing up the same subjects again and again, and he’d have to defend himself again and again. Ryder started to talk but I threw my hand up, cutting him off.
“No. You’re going to listen to what I have to say. There are teenagers out there that are more responsible when it comes to sex. Sure, not using protection was partly my fault as well, but leaving me completely helpless without any knowledge of where you were or if I would ever even see you again? Well, that’s on you. That’s you acting like you’re a seventeen-year-old boy running around sticking his… his… thing in anything that would accept it. You didn’t think about any repercussions. You only thought about yourself.”
I jerked a thumb at Mattie’s room. “Well, now look at the repercussions. You can be angry that you missed out on the first few months of our child’s life all you want to, but the only person that falls on is you.”
I could see the shame on his face as he listened to my rant. I breathed heavily, not even knowing what else to say at that point. There really wasn’t anything else, to be honest. He left me and Mattie, and now had the audacity to come back and act like everything would be fine. His baby deserved way better than that. I deserved way better than that.
My whole life, I’ve always taken the short end of the stick. I always volunteered to give up my seat for someone else, and to give others the advantage. But that wasn’t going to be the case anymore. Ryder taught me a very important lesson, and it was that I am worth it. I am a real human being, and I deserve to be heard and treated with respect.
I stopped and took a deep breath, putting my hand on my stomach while trying to calm my nerves. Mattie woke up in the next room and started squalling. With the baby so upset, my agony only increased, but I did nothing. Instead, Ryder went in to fetch Mattie and returned with our screaming, red-faced boy in his arms. Good. I spent many, many nights holding a colicky baby in frustration, and his father could experience it for a couple minutes longer.
But then Ryder took me by surprise. While stroking Mattie’s back, he managed to say, “You know, I didn’t completely cut you off. I did write you a letter. If it was so important, why didn’t you reply to me? It had my PO Box on there and I would’ve gotten it no matter where I was. I always update my forwarding address every time I move to a new location, and sometimes my sister checks my mail for me too.”
Exhausted from all the twists and turns and bullshit I was listening to, I turned and gaped at him.
“A letter? What are you even talking about?”
He became defiant.
“A letter, you know, how you sit down and write a letter to someone? Not an email, not a text message, but an actual letter. I wrote it and put it in an envelope and stamped it and sent it to the address that you had on your medical records.”
I rubbed my hands over my face and let out a long sigh. Had it really come to this? Was he really making things up now? Putting my hands on my hips I gave him a stern look.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Yes, I know what a letter is. I’m not an idiot. But I never received a letter, and I’m sure about that. Besides, who writes letters anymore? It’s not 1935. If you wanted me to know something so badly why didn’t you send me an email or text message? That would have been a lot more effective than some mystical letter that I never received.”
I could tell my attitude was starting to irritate the shit out of the doctor, but I really didn’t care. He shook his head.
“I write letters. I find it cathartic to put pen to paper, so sometimes I do things the old-fashioned way, even if it sounds weird. In fact, I still write in my journal on a day-to-day basis because it helps clear my mind. If you’d like to see that, I’d be more than happy to show you that my journal exists.”
I stared at him for a moment, unsure if he was being sarcastic or not. What the hell? What hunky, alpha male doctor writes in a journal, for crying out loud? I shook my head and walked over to the counter before grabbing a baby bottle to start making up some formula for Mattie.
“I don’t think you wrote a letter. I think what’s happening here is that you’re making it up so that you can save face. After all, you ghosted both of us. You ghosted your only son and now you feel bad about it, so you’re trying to get out of it by saying you wrote some sort of letter to me.”
I slammed my hand down on the counter.
“Just be honest, Ryder. You didn’t contact me because you didn’t care. I don’t want to hear the stories about how much you’ve changed and how much I affected you. Obviously, I didn’t affect you enough for you to come here and to be honest. It’s absolutely ridiculous that I have to sort through lies now. At least when you were honest, I knew what was going on, even if it was harsh.”
Ryder bounced Mattie slightly in his arms to try to calm him, and the baby sniffled a bit. Then Ryder looked up at me with desperation.
“I’m not lying to you, Abby. I’m telling the honest truth here. I sat down, not even that long after I had left, and wrote you a letter. Granted, I only wrote you one, but I included my new contact info in case you wanted to get in touch with me. All the information was in that letter. I should’ve taken a picture of it or something.”
I rolled my eyes and continued making the bottle. Maybe he did write me a letter, and maybe it mysteriously got lost in the mail, but I had a hard time believing that he was that unlucky. Ryder turned away in frustration.
“I can see this whole conversation is pointless. The damage has been done, and I guess it’s too late. I’m telling you the honest truth though, Abby, I wrote you a letter to give you all of my contact information.”
I looked at him and calmly said my last piece.
“If you sent me a letter, then why didn’t you mention it earlier?”
He looked at me flabbergasted.
“Earlier than what? We just met up again today.”
I shrugged, being stubborn.
“You could have told me at the doctor’s office.”
Ryder looked ready to come apart with rage now.
“Look, so many things have been happening that I forgot about it until now, okay? I just discovered that I have a son. I’m sorry that I didn’t remember the letter until now. I’ve been in a very emotional state, and I guess, when it comes to you, I don’t always use my brain.”
I shook Mattie’s bottle and walked over, taking him from Ryder. I kissed his forehead and put him against my body bouncing slightly up and down to try to calm him. Within a few seconds of hearing my heartbeat, he quieted down. He only had the remnants of hiccups, and after his hiccups slowed, I turned him over and began to feed him.
Looking up at Ryder, I shook my head.
“With you, it’s always about your emotional state. When does it stop being about you, and start being about us? I’m tired, Ryder. You can come here, hold Mattie, and feel the awe of having a child. But it takes love and dedication on a daily basis to be able raise a child. Plus, he’s not yours or mine because he’s a person. A person that I love with everything in my body.”
My heart
was breaking all over again, but the anger had subsided. I walked over and sat down on the couch holding Mattie close to me as he drank his bottle. Then I looked up again.
“Not only that, but if you’re always going through emotional problems, are you really ready to be a dad? I mean, this has been all about your emotional turmoil, your change of heart, and your realizations. When does it become about us? Having a child means that you put Mattie first, not yourself. Are you ready for that?”
Ryder made a strange choking sound, but I didn’t bother to look at him. Instead, looking down at Mattie’s beautiful eyes, I no longer saw Dr. Rivington. I saw my son, a completely separate person, a baby that needed me to stay strong. He needed me to be tough and to do my best by him. Sure, his dad was back, but were we ready to jump into the frying pan again? I didn’t think so after hearing these weird declarations about a missing letter sent by snail mail.
After all, when it came to my son, I was a protective mama bear. I wanted to protect Mattie from everything that could hurt him, and that included his own father, if it came to that. I no longer knew if I wanted Ryder to be part of Mattie’s life, especially if he was just going to get up one day and leave, and then lie about it. No child deserves that kind of treatment.
I glanced up at him. “You know, all this time you’ve been gone, I justified it in my head. I thought there must have been some good reason for your absence. But I realize now I didn’t do my son any favors by thinking that way because you’ll do the same thing to him. When the hard times come once again, Ryder, what are you going to do? Are you going to leave and blame it on your heightened emotional state? Are you going to go running? What happens to Mattie then?”
He stood there staring at me, with a shocked look. I could see tears forming in his gaze, and it touched me, but I had to force myself not to say anything. Ryder’s tears wouldn’t save him at that point, and frankly, I didn’t know if there was anything that could save him. At least not with me, that is.
