by Adams, S. C.
She was completely caught off guard by the fact that I was in the room. I hated it. I wanted her to be happy, and not embarrassed. I wanted her to swoon just like in the movies. But that was unrealistic, and I pushed back those emotions.
“Dr. McNamara’s on her yearly summer vacation. She called me in to cover.”
“Already? It’s been a year already?” Abby asked, her fingers now pushed together and her knuckles white.
Nodding, I fiddled with the stethoscope around my neck. “Yeah. Personally, I feel like I’ve been gone forever.”
Her eyes shifted up toward mine and she started babbling.
“Yeah, me too. Sometimes it felt a little slow, but I’ve been really busy, so time flew by. Carpe diem! Seize the day, right?”
There it was. She had thought of me, but mostly in the negative. It was as if I was nothing but an interlude in her otherwise packed schedule. Dammit. If she only knew the impact she had on my life. How I was a completely changed man now. How every day I thought of her. How each and every minute I kicked myself for changing my phone number and being an ass, in general.
I walked over to the counter and put her file down, scanning through her recent visits. But then as my finger glided over the information, I stopped, my heart beginning to beat faster in my chest. This appointment wasn’t any normal appointment. It was a post-partum checkup.
My feet swiveled around as fast as they could move, and I tried to keep my calm.
“Abby, you’re post-partum? What the fuck? You’re a mother? You’ve had a baby since I was last here?”
She lifted her shoulders almost defiantly and twisted her hands in her lap. Her eyes shot away from mine and no words came out of her mouth. Holy shit. If she’s a mother…? My gut churned and I felt slightly nauseated.
I walked closer, like a tiger stalking its prey. “You’ve had a child? Recently? This past year?”
She licked her lips and took in a long deep breath, nodding her head silently. My eyes shifted down to the floor and I tried to think through it. My brain seemed to be completely twisted in different directions. Connections were made, but then they sparked and fizzled. I was surprised, confused, shocked, and everything in between.
Fuck. Chewing on my lip for a moment, my eyes shifted back up to hers. “You said you were a virgin when we had sex last year. As in, you’d never been with anyone else before me.”
Once again, Abby nodded. My feet began to pace. “Then, were you with someone right after me? Was it some sort of rebound thing? Were you getting over me? Or did you have someone else already?”
She took a deep breath and fiddled with the edge of her examination gown. “There was no one before you and no one since you, Ryder. You are the only man that I have ever been with.”
For some reason the words weren’t computing in my mind. It was like I was unable to understand plain English. Was she saying what I think she was saying? My mouth opened and I tried to find words, but they just didn’t seem to want to come out. Finally, I pulled myself together enough to let out a hoarse bark.
“Is the child mine?” I asked, knowing it was a stupid question. Yet I desperately needed to hear the answer from her mouth.
Abby stayed silent for a moment, looking almost fearful. Finally, she looked up at me, meeting my gaze with hers. She had a brave look on her face, one I can only imagine she had practiced a hundred times in case she ever saw me again. Then Abby took a deep breath.
“Yes, Ryder. You have a son. You have a little boy with your same blue eyes and blazing smile. No, he does not know who you are, because he isn’t old enough for that yet. And I didn’t think I would ever see you again.”
“I…” My mouth opened and I wanted to say something, anything, but my brain would not compute. “I have a son?” I finally managed in a choked voice.
She let out a sigh and stood up, walking over to her clothes. I turned from her, feeling the world spinning around me and out of control. A son. Abby had just told me that I was a father, something I didn’t expect, not in a million years. For some reason, it never occurred to me. I thought about a lot of outcomes, but this was not on my list at all.
Abby turned toward me and held up a picture of a little boy that looked just like the pictures of me as a baby. That did it, and the realization sunk into me hard and fast. My heart started pounding wildly in my chest, and I put one hand to my heart. It felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Leaning forward, I propped myself on the exam table and stared at the floor. A son. I had a little boy who looked just like me. Someone with my laugh, and my DNA. Did he like peanut butter but hate jelly? Would he like baseball games but detest basketball? My knees started to wobble and I grabbed at the rolling stool, taking a seat. Abby glanced over at me and turned back, putting her clothes back on.
I watched the curvy girl, my mind still trying to grasp this new reality. I met a beautiful woman, had the most amazing couple of weeks of my life with her, and my seed took hold, creating a child. We were parents now. This is the kind of news you give a man with a bottle of scotch and a really good chair. I was still trying to process while attempting to draw oxygen in my lungs.
In that moment, I wanted a hundred different things. I wanted to cry out in joy. I wanted to scream in anger. I wanted to lash out at Abby for not telling me sooner. I wanted to bring her close and hold her, while apologizing for my desertion. There were so many emotions flowing through me, so many questions, so many things I wanted to say. But right there, on that stool, none of them came to me. Nothing but shock consumed me.
“A baby,” I whispered in wonder. “What’s his name?”
She turned around and looked at me with caution. “Matthew.”
“Matthew,” I repeated to myself. “Why Matthew?”
She closed her purse and shrugged with a small smile. “I don’t know. I’ve always liked that name, I guess.”
I stood up, launching the rolling stool across the room. Abby drew back, surprised by my actions. But I knew what was happening. A possessive feeling coursed through my veins. Matthew was my son. He was my blood. I needed to be with him, and to lay my eyes on my own flesh and blood.
“I have to see my son,” I said in a grim voice.
She stared at me for a moment, slightly shocked. She stammered a bit, a mother trying to decide what the best thing for her child was. But finally, Abby let out a deep breath and nodded her head. “Alright. Of course. My phone number should be in my medical file. Call me when you’re done with work and you can come meet him.”
I stared at her, and Abby turned to go. But then she turned back and stood in the middle of the exam room, looking at me. “For the record, I didn’t hide him from you. I didn’t purposefully keep him a secret. I had no way to find you. No way to contact you. We’ve been here all along, in Farmington, getting through life on our own. So you can be shocked, you have that right, but don’t be angry at me. I’ve done the best I can.”
I didn’t have the ability to respond, nor did she give me the opportunity. She turned and walked from the exam room, closing the door behind her. The click of the latch ricocheted through my mind and I knew she was right. I did everything in my power to disappear, and in the end, it only hurt me. It prevented me from knowing my son.
Plus, I felt like an even bigger douche, knowing the facts. While I was away, Abby was here, protecting, raising, and nourishing our child. She was planning a life for them without me because what else was she supposed to do? I made it seem like I wanted nothing to do with her. Was it true? No. But that was my way to make sure I didn’t get attached to anyone in life.
But now, what had my actions cost me? If I wanted see the world so badly, then why had I been absolutely miserable for the last year? Why did I struggle so hard, only to wind up back here, in Farmington?
And now this. A change that was blowing my mind. A child that I never expected but already felt as if I couldn’t do without. Those eyes in that picture reminded me of myself. Matthew was beautifu
l, reflecting both his mother’s grace and his father’s determination.
I had a son. A beautiful little boy. And he and his mother were mine.
24
Abby
I walked out of the doctor’s office, ignoring the receptionist’s words behind me. I was in complete and total shock. I stumbled through the parking lot and back to my car like a zombie. After sitting down in the driver’s seat and closing the door, I gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. Never in a million years did I expect what just happened.
Oh my God, Ryder’s back!
Had I walked into some sort of time warp? Had I traveled to some other type of dimension? This was supposed to be an easy in and out appointment. I felt great. I had bounced back after pregnancy like I hadn’t just pushed a cantaloupe through a keyhole. Even my mother told me that I was doing a fantastic job, which for Belinda, was a huge thing.
Besides, I’d been doing so well. After I came to terms with the fact that I was going to be a single mother, I put the idea of ever seeing Ryder again out of my mind. I had to. The fact is that life moves on, and I had a baby to think about now. Nonetheless, staring at him face-to-face without proper warning and preparation had thrown me so far off track that I didn’t even know what to do.
After all, it’s clear Dr. Rivington is going to claim his child. Yet, is that what I want? Mattie is the apple of my eye. He’s everything that I need in my life. And yes, he looks like Ryder, but after a while, I stopped thinking about the man every time I looked at my child. All I saw was a beautiful little boy whom I had created, and who meant more to me than anything in the world.
My appointment was supposed to be with Dr. McNamara, so what the hell? Just like last time, the office didn’t inform me that I’d be seeing a new physician. They just plopped it on me, like it was business as usual. But I was stunned when Ryder walked into the room, almost to the point where I considered leaving immediately.
After all, I haven’t seen Ryder in an entire year. I had his son, but it’s been zero contact. In his defense, he didn’t know about the baby. But at the same time, that was his fault. I had never purposefullyly kept the pregnancy from him. When he left me, he cut off all communication. He even changed his phone number so that I couldn’t get a hold of him. There was really nothing I could do except move on.
So there I was, a year later with the cutest little baby boy. I loved him so much. And gosh darn it, but Mattie looks exactly like his dad. He has the same blue eyes and black hair and even the same goofy laugh that starts from his baby belly.
Ours wasn’t a fancy lifestyle, but it was full of love. The apartment may not be in the best area, but I made it colorful and homey. And between me, my mom, and my friends, my little boy had every toy he could ever want. In fact, at least once every few months I have to go through his toys and donate them to the needy. If I didn’t, Mattie would have nowhere to sleep because of the toys overfilling his room.
Plus, he was growing bigger, and becoming more aware of his environment day by day. His favorite place to be was his play mat during tummy time. He would stretch his legs out long and hold himself up by his arms and chest. His big eyes would look around the room and I would get a huge smile watching him. I was so proud to be his mommy.
Plus, I’ve been lucky. I’m still working at the call center, and they gave me full-time hours with corresponding health insurance and paid parental leave. It was like the universe smiled at me right after finding out I was pregnant.
Still, even with forty hours a week and benefits, we were barely getting by on my salary. My mom was still working overtime, trying to take care of my sister, and I didn’t trust Melody enough to leave Mattie with her. So I was paying an astronomical amount for day care, doctors’ appointment co-pays, and everything else that went along with life. It wasn’t easy, and some days I got really down about it, seeing how we struggled financially.
But then I would walk into Mattie’s room, and all my worries would evaporate. That’s when I felt grateful and happy, and at peace with the world. I never imagined that I would be a mother so young, or have to do it on my own, but life has turned out okay. I love my son, and even if it’s just the two of us, we’re happy together.
But now Ryder’s back. What does that mean for me and my son? When he walked into the exam room, the breath caught in my throat. He looked as amazing as always. His tall frame was fit and athletic, and I could see his muscular body move beneath his white lab coat.
It was crazy thinking those things, after what he did. But the perfect line of his jaw, the way he smiled, and the breadth of his chest made my heart go wild. I even caught a glimpse of the way he used to look at me, with those intense cobalt eyes that promised the world.
Sex leads to babies. Remember that, the voice in my head admonished. I tried to keep telling myself that over and over again as I watched him move around the room. He was so gorgeous, but then again, reality caught up, and the situation made me a little angry, not to mention bitter. Here he was, free as a bird and even more handsome, while I took care of his child. Somehow, Dr. Hot and Steamy always has the winning hand.
Plus, I felt so bad about my appearance. I was thirty pounds overweight after having Matthew. I had bags under my eyes from working so much, and I hadn’t even brushed my hair before I left the house. I had thrown it up in a messy bun on top of my head and my curls were a rat’s nest. Ryder was probably thankful that he dodged a bullet. I expected to be out of there in no time.
But then the bomb dropped. The shoe fell, and Ryder found out that he was a father. All I had been able to do was shake my head and say “yes.” The look of shock on his face, for some reason, made me feel as if I had done something wrong. But I know I haven’t. I’ve done everything right. I also knew in that moment, that he was going to claim his son. A possessive alpha male like Ryder doesn’t let things sit. He was here for Mattie.
So what do I do now? Am I going to lose my son to his father? Or can we figure out some situation that works for all three of us? After all, Ryder is a traveling doctor, so he can’t possibly take a baby on the road with him. Yet, staying in a small town like Farmington is his ultimate nightmare. So where do we go from here?
My fingers loosened on the steering wheel and I let them drop to my lap. I stared out the window of the car at the tree in front of me as nerves shot through my body. I don’t like surprises, and yet I realized right then and there my life was about to change dramatically.
25
Ryder
I won’t lie, I was incredibly nervous. I was still battling the realization that I have a son. A little boy, who from pictures, looked exactly like me. Sure, it was unexpected, but there was no way I was turning my back on that little boy. All kinds of emotions ran through me. I was angry at myself, I was upset with Abby, I was shocked, and I was excited all at the same time. It was incredibly confusing.
After work I didn’t stick around. I cleaned up and gathered my things and headed over to the address that Abby texted me. When I pulled up at the house, I was a little bit shocked to see where they lived. It was an older part of town, and I could tell it was the poorer part of town as well. The house itself was a large brick building with older fixtures and rusty metal railings running up to the front door. I wasn’t judging, and yet my heart fell seeing these environs.
Goddammit. I was going to fix this immediately. I already wanted to sweep Abby and Matthew up and bring them somewhere nice to live, with me. But how would that happen? I couldn’t just come barreling in and take them from everything they knew. So how would this work?
I climbed the stairs over the garage. This was where Abby lived? Over the garage? Wouldn’t my son be poisoned from car exhaust fumes? Resolute, I kept my thoughts to myself. I just had to hold my child in my arms for the first time.
I chuckled at myself, not out of humor, but out of pure shock. I still couldn’t believe I had a little boy. There was a small part of me that for the tiniest moment, questioned whether
the boy was actually mine. Any number of things could have happened in this past year, and I’m a cynic. But as soon as the door opened and I looked at that little boy in Abby’s arms, I knew that Mattie was mine. Part of it was gut instinct, the connection I immediately felt with the baby. But the other part was the undeniable physical attributes that we both shared.
The boy had thick black hair, standing on end, just like mine used to do when I was a baby. And his blue eyes were striking. It was like looking into a mirror, albeit his gaze was much more innocent. I did see Abby in him too. The little nose, the rosy cheeks, and the contented, peaceful aura to him. That had Abby written all over it.
Mattie seemed to know that I was his father. He cooed with excitement, and as I reached for him, a small giggle arose and he was more than happy to come into my arms. I couldn’t even make it into the apartment without holding him close to me. The little boy was a warm weight in my arms, and as I gazed into his eyes, I fell in love. My heart spun, then plummeted, and I knew I was head over heels.
“We’ll don’t stand out in the hall,” Abby said. “Come on in.”
I glanced up, realizing I was still in the hallway. I walked inside holding Mattie, absolutely enamored. I heard her close the door behind us but it didn’t take away my absolute awe and shock at the little human staring back at me. I put my hand up and wiggled my finger. He reached up and grasped it tightly, giggling. I laughed and looked up at Abby who was standing there with her arms crossed, tears in her eyes.
I looked back at the little boy and my emotions grew turbulent. Thinking back, it wasn’t anger at Abby, but that’s how it must have sounded.
“Why didn’t you get a hold of me and tell me that you were pregnant with my child?” came my rough accusation.
Her eyes shifted up and the glaze of tears dried quickly. I could almost see her personality change in an instant. I knew in that moment I had said the wrong thing, but it was too late. The words were out, and I couldn’t take them back.
