Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Very nice.’ Mia walked away with clenched fists. What a piece of work, judging everyone else, then crassly shoving her success in Mia’s face. It had the desired effect, though. Mia did feel a bit envious. Working so hard would be easier if you were getting paid tons of money, but a teacher’s salary was never going to buy a diamond of any size. Still, all her success couldn’t save Grainne from being a total idiot. Mia needed to focus on the good things in her life and somehow find a better work–life balance before she broke.

  The house was in darkness when she pulled into the driveway. She hated it when Riley and Johnny sat in the kitchen and forgot to put on the porch light. It looked so unwelcoming, as if they’d forgotten about her. Wearily, she gathered her stuff from the back seat, kicked the door closed with her foot and locked it. She couldn’t wait to take off her shoes and be served a hot meal, preferably with wine, if there was a bottle knocking around. Sarah had given her one last week, so if Johnny hadn’t got his mitts on it, she was going to treat herself to a glass to unwind after what had been a pretty lousy day, all told.

  She let herself into the house. Inside it was cold and dark. There were no sounds of life, and certainly no smells of dinner cooking. She went down to the kitchen, switched on the light and dumped all her stuff on the table. She looked around. There were dirty dishes on top of the dishwasher, a habit of Riley’s that drove her insane. Johnny had obviously been cooking something earlier, and there were pots on the hob and spoons on the counter. The washing-machine was flashing ‘End’, with a full load inside, waiting to be taken out. There were newspapers strewn across the table. It looked messy and unloved. Where was everyone?

  Mia took out her phone to check her messages. Sure enough, there was a text from Johnny: Riley had a tough day, so I’ve taken her to cinema. Be home by 10.30. Reheat soup if hungry.

  If hungry? Mia wanted to scream at the top of her lungs and fling the shagging pots on the floor. She had worked like a maniac all day, done all the extras on the way home, collected the damn chops and he was suggesting she might be hungry. Was he for real? And, as usual, he was off playing best dad in the bloody world. Fun Dad. Dad who never gives Riley grief. Never nags. Mia felt completely alone. Who was going to take her out for a treat after her crappy day? Who was going to make her feel better? Cheer her up? As usual, no one. She was on her own. Suck it up, Mia. This is your life.

  Mia sank into a kitchen chair and put her head in her hands. The silence of the house was heavy around her, and her limbs felt as if they were made of concrete. She should get up and put on the heating. She should tidy and empty the machine. She should reheat the soup. She knew those were the sensible, grown-up things to do, but she felt broken with exhaustion and disappointment. Instead, she cried. Mia was not one for crying, and she knew her mother would be utterly horrified at the sight of her giving in like that, but it was just too much. She had nothing left to give. I’m sorry, Mum, she thought, but my life has gone down the toilet and I don’t know what to do. Sitting alone at the messy table, Mia cried until her throat was sore. She felt absolutely wretched.

  When the front door opened at ten thirty, the kitchen was clean and tidy, all the pots put away, everything in its place. Mia had eaten the soup, and she had found the wine bottle, half full, then realized she just couldn’t stomach it. The clothes were out of the dryer, folded and in the hot press. There was another load on in the washing-machine. She’d tidied the house, and was now sitting on the sofa, a smile glued to her lips, her face washed and showing no sign of the tears that had overtaken her earlier.

  Johnny and Riley came into the room. ‘You would have enjoyed that film,’ Johnny said cheerfully, falling onto the sofa beside her.

  ‘I’m sure I would, but I was kind of busy doing everything in the house after a really tough day at work. So …’

  ‘There’s no need to be like that, Mum.’

  Mia looked at her in surprise. ‘What? Grumpy? Fed-up? I dunno, Riley, how would you feel if you’d come home after your “tough” day at school to a cold, empty house and had to spend two hours cleaning and washing?’

  ‘You should have left it, Mia. I would have done it,’ Johnny said.

  ‘When?’

  He shrugged. ‘Now, or tomorrow morning.’

  ‘He was just cheering me up,’ Riley said. ‘Don’t nag him.’

  Mia looked at her daughter, then stood up. ‘Someday, you might think about cheering me up. I’m a person with feelings, too. Goodnight, everyone.’ She left the room. She literally couldn’t take another second of this day. She craved the oblivion of sleep.

  5

  Izzy lay back in bed and put her hands over her head. Sarah gently took her daughter’s glasses off and placed them on the bedside locker. She sat down beside her on the bed. ‘Are you tired, sweetie?’

  Izzy stifled a yawn. ‘No.’

  Sarah kissed her soft cheek. ‘I think you are. Swimming on Wednesdays always tires you out.’

  Izzy reached up and played with Sarah’s hair. ‘I wish mine was lovely blonde like yours, Mummy. It looks like a princess’s hair in fairy-tales.’

  Bleach and hair tongs, Sarah thought. ‘Thank you, Izzy, but your hair is blonde and beautiful too.’

  ‘But it’s not shiny gold like yours, Mummy.’

  ‘It is shiny, just like your blue eyes. You are the prettiest girl in the world.’

  Izzy sighed. ‘You always say that.’

  ‘Because it’s true.’

  Izzy twirled Sarah’s hair around her fingers. ‘Mummy, is the baby going to take you away from me?’

  Sarah frowned. ‘No. Why would you think that?’

  ‘Because Caroline’s mummy had twin babies and she said her mummy is always busy-busy, and she never reads Caroline stories or tucks her into bed or anything.’

  Sarah chose her words carefully. Taking Izzy’s hand in hers, she said, ‘I will have to look after the baby, feeding and changing nappies and stuff, but I’ll still be able to read you stories and tuck you in.’

  ‘Do you promise?’

  ‘Yes. I’ll love you the same, look after you the same, hug you and kiss you the same.’ Sarah covered her daughter’s adorable face with kisses.

  Izzy giggled, but was only temporarily distracted. She was clearly fretting over the baby more than Sarah had realized. ‘So you won’t love the baby more than me?’

  ‘Of course not, sweetie.’

  ‘But how do you know? You said when I was born your heart was full to the top with love. There’s no room for you to love the baby unless you love me a bit less.’

  ‘Oh, Izzy,’ Sarah said, resting her forehead against her daughter’s. ‘My heart is big enough to love lots of people. You, Daddy, Mia, Riley, Granddad and Johnny, and Rob and Ellen in Canada and lots of other people. The heart is a muscle, so the more you love, the bigger and stronger it gets.’

  ‘For real?’

  ‘Yes. I will always love you, Sweet-pea.’

  ‘So when the baby comes, you’ll love it the same as me?’

  ‘Well,’ Sarah whispered in her daughter’s ear, ‘I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ll love the baby so much, but I’m not sure I can love anyone more than I love you.’

  Izzy beamed. ‘Me too, Mummy. I love you the best.’

  They hugged, and Sarah inhaled the scent of her daughter. She felt as if her heart might just overflow.

  Adam came into the bedroom and handed Sarah a mug of tea. She was sitting up in bed, wearing her most comfy brushed-cotton dove-grey pyjamas. Mia always joked that Sarah’s ‘worst’ pyjamas were better than her own best ones. Mia usually slept in an old pair of leggings and one of Johnny’s big T-shirts. Sarah had lots of silky pyjamas that Mia said were far too good to wear. But Sarah liked making an effort to look nice, even in bed. But not tonight: tonight she was cross and tired.

  ‘You’re not forgiven,’ she said to her husband.

  He sighed. ‘For the millionth time, I’m sorry.’ He had loosened his tie and
the top button of his shirt was open. His brown eyes had dark shadows under them. But Sarah was not going to feel sorry for him, not now. She didn’t care how tired he was: she was tired too.

  ‘It was really important to me, Adam. I wanted you there with me for the scan.’

  ‘I wanted to be there, but the meeting ran over and I couldn’t just get up and leave. This is a huge contract for us. It’s going to make us a lot of money.’

  Sarah put the mug down carefully on a magazine on her bedside locker. ‘I don’t care about having more money. I care about you being around for this baby, Adam. You work all the time. Izzy’s growing up and you’re missing it. I feel like a single parent, you’re so busy all the time.’

  Adam rubbed his jaw. ‘Look, the recession almost destroyed my business. No one wanted new bathrooms when they couldn’t pay their mortgages. I have to grab these big opportunities when they come along. I can’t let up now things are good again. I won’t let my family down like my dad did. I’m doing this for us, for security, for our future, for our kids.’

  Sarah took his hand. ‘I know your dad went off the rails and lost everything after your mum died, but you’re not him. We’re not them. You’re a strong man who’s always been so responsible, and I love that about you. I’m not going anywhere so I’ll be here for the kids, always. But you don’t need to prove anything to anyone any more. You’re successful, you’re together, you provide well for us financially and I really appreciate that. But Izzy and this new baby need you to be their dad as well as their provider. Izzy craves more time with you. When you’re home, you’re on your phone all the time. Please, Adam, promise me you’ll try to get a better life–work balance. Being at that scan on my own was grim. Dad had to step in and hold my hand.’

  Adam kissed her. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll try, I promise. I guess I’ll never feel safe. When you’ve grown up with a deadbeat dad and had to rob your classmates’ sandwiches as your only food for the day, you always worry about the future.’

  ‘Your childhood was horribly tough, but look at what you have now. We have a great life. Don’t miss it by working all the time.’

  Adam kissed her again. ‘How did I get so lucky with you?’

  ‘Charm, good looks and great sex.’ Sarah laughed and sank back into her pillow, yawning.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yeah. I just feel wiped out. I’m going to get some iron tomorrow – I think I need a boost. Mia very kindly offered to take Izzy to school in the morning.’

  ‘She loves helping you out. It makes her feel like she has control.’

  ‘Stop it.’

  ‘It’s true. She’s so domineering. She treats everyone like they’re her students. Poor Johnny’s completely bitch-slapped.’

  ‘No, he’s not. He’s really happy with her.’

  Adam raised an eyebrow. ‘Is he?’

  ‘Yes, he is.’ Sarah wished Adam and Mia got on better. They’d always had an edgy relationship. Adam had found Mia ‘too much’ from the day they’d first met, when she’d peppered him with questions.

  ‘It was like an interrogation,’ he’d complained to Sarah afterwards.

  ‘She’s just protective of me. There’s five years between us, so she’s always looked out for me.’

  Over the years Adam and Mia had learned to tolerate each other and sometimes, usually when wine was involved, they even got on quite well, but they were never going to be close. Mia was too forthright for Adam and he, in turn, spent his life winding her up.

  Sarah had tried to bring them closer by highlighting each one’s best qualities to the other, but they were just too similar. Both wanted to have their own way, both were stubborn as mules and both had very strong personalities. While they argued heatedly about pretty much every topic under the sun, Sarah and Johnny would sit back, wink at each other and sip their wine, or go outside and have sneaky cigarettes. They were the total opposite – Sarah had fallen for Johnny’s humour and warmth from day one, and that had never changed. She always said he was the best brother-in-law she could have hoped for. Whenever she said that, Mia went quiet. She would never be able to say that about Adam.

  ‘Now that I’ve got this new contract, I want to take you and Izzy on a blow-out holiday. I was thinking we could go and visit Rob and Ellen in Toronto. I’ve always wanted to see Canada. I’d like to spend some time with my brother and for Izzy to get to know him and Ellen better. She hasn’t seen them since they came back for Christmas two years ago.’

  Sarah’s head throbbed. The thought of going two hours down the road to Cork on holidays seemed like too much of an effort at the moment. All the way to Canada?

  ‘I’m not sure I should fly that far when I’m pregnant. I think I’d be nervous. I’m afraid to risk anything when it’s taken us so long to get this far. Can we go after the baby’s born?’

  Adam nodded. ‘Of course. I wasn’t thinking. No risks, no way, not this time.’ He bent down and kissed her stomach. ‘This baby is a keeper, I just know it.’

  Sarah smiled and rubbed her stomach. ‘I didn’t carry any of the other four pregnancies past seven weeks, so it’s looking good. The scan went so well. The baby is growing normally and looking healthy. Thank God.’

  Adam lay down on the bed beside her and held her hand. ‘Thank God is right. I so want a sibling for Izzy … Rob’s my best mate.’

  ‘I don’t know what I’d do without Mia.’

  ‘It’s been a long road, but it’ll be worth all the disappointments to have a sister or brother for Izzy.’

  Sarah rolled onto her side to face her husband. ‘Actually, Adam, it looks like it’s going to be a baby brother.’

  Adam stared at her. ‘What? Seriously? You found out the sex?’

  Sarah nodded, smiling at his delight.

  ‘Oh!’ he said, kissing her. ‘I’m going to have a son? Really?’

  Sarah’s eyes filled with tears. It was wonderful to see Adam so happy. The miscarriages and the constant hoping had been draining, but even though he had almost given up hope, she never had.

  ‘Yes, they’re fairly confident it’s a boy. Your son.’

  ‘Woohoo!’ Adam said, punching the air. He threw his arms around her. ‘Sarah, this is just brilliant. I’ll teach him how to play football and we can go to rugby matches together and watch the Star Wars movies and – Oh, God, it’s going to be amazing.’

  ‘So you’re a bit pleased, then?’ Sarah said, laughing.

  ‘A girl and a boy! It’s exactly what I’ve always wanted. And you are the most amazing woman. I know it’s been hard on you, much more so than on me, but you’ve been so strong. And now we’ll have a son. It’s just fantastic news.’ He held her close.

  Maybe a boy would bring Adam home more, Sarah thought, as she cuddled into his embrace. He’d want to play sports with his son and do boy stuff. It might work out for all of them. It could make Adam really step up and spend more time being a father. She couldn’t wait for their future.

  6

  Olivia reached over and fixed Charlie’s tie. Mia caught Sarah’s attention and they rolled their eyes. It was the fourth or fifth time she’d done it. His tie was perfectly straight – she just couldn’t help herself: she was constantly touching him or fixing his clothes. It reminded Mia of a dog peeing to mark its territory. She didn’t like Olivia. Neither did Sarah, but she wasn’t irritated by her like Mia was.

  Olivia had dropped into their lives and plonked herself down. Mia didn’t want her father to mourn her mother’s death for ever, and she was glad Charlie had found a companion, but Olivia was suffocating. She wanted to be with him day and night. All she talked about was the golf club, going on holidays and how successful her sons were, which really bugged Mia. It was bad enough having to put up with Olivia pawing her father without having to hear about Robert, her barrister son, ‘senior counsel, you know’, and Tim, with the PhD. It made Mia, the teacher, and Sarah, the ex-call centre manager, seem pretty lame. Not to mention Johnny, the unemployed journalist.
At least Adam, the successful businessman, was something for Charlie to shout about, even if he ‘just owns a bunch of bathroom stores’, as Johnny grumpily pointed out.

  Mia missed her mum. They’d been so close. Penny was the one person in the world who really got her. They were very similar, and Mia missed being able to call her and talk to her about things, good and bad. Her mum would always listen and give the best advice. She’d understood why Mia was het up about something because she’d got het up about the same things. They were two peas in a pod, and she’d made Mia feel cherished.

  Sarah and Charlie were different. They were more relaxed and didn’t let things bother them. On the one hand, Mia envied them and wished she could be more like them, but on the other, it annoyed her that they didn’t get more wound up about things. How could you go through life like that? Mind you, Mia felt so strongly about so many things that sometimes that in itself was exhausting.

  Charlie poured everyone more wine. Sarah waved her hand over her glass. ‘Not for me, Dad.’

  ‘I must say, it’s very nice having a driver again. I could get used to this, Sarah,’ Adam said, accepting a refill with relish.

  Sarah punched him playfully. ‘Don’t get too comfortable. As soon as this baby’s born, I’ll be swigging white wine by the neck.’

  ‘I find one or two glasses perfectly sufficient,’ Olivia said. ‘I never like to see a woman drunk. It’s so unseemly.’

  Mia picked up her glass and drank the contents in two large gulps.

  ‘Easy there, Tiger,’ Johnny muttered. ‘You don’t need to get paralytic to prove a point.’

  Ignoring him, Mia reached over and poured herself another glass.

  ‘So, how are things, Johnny?’ Adam asked. ‘Any sign of a job yet?’