Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘I’d say you’d like some time with Sarah alone,’ Johnny said. ‘I’ll sit in the waiting room, and when you’re finished, I’ll pop in and say hi to her.’

  ‘Say hi – it seems mad. We all treat her as if she’s alive, even though she isn’t,’ Mia said quietly.

  Mia hated the hospital, but she liked being in the room alone with her sister. It was the only place she felt at peace. Just she and Sarah, sitting quietly side by side. Sometimes she was silent, sometimes she talked to her sister, and sometimes she read her diary. It was the place Mia most wanted to be all the time.

  Outside Sarah’s room, the hustle and bustle of the hospital went on: machines beeping, doctors and nurses rushing about, laughing, chatting, gossiping, occasionally crying, and raised voices … Life went on. But in Sarah’s room, when they’d finished checking her and prodding her and poking her and moving her and cleaning her, there was peace. Izzy’s family portrait was stuck on the wall beside Sarah’s bed, bringing some much-needed colour to the magnolia walls. Mummy, Daddy, Izzy and baby – she had labelled each of her stick characters. Sarah had long yellow hair and a big red smile.

  Mia knew intellectually that her sister was dead, but in that room, when they were alone, Sarah didn’t feel dead. She still seemed alive, and Mia felt close to her. Being in there was like a drug, an addiction, because it took away the pain of the truth. Mia wanted to run far away from the truth whenever she could.

  Their last tiny sliver of hope had been dashed that morning when the Canadian neurologist had called Rob to concur with the prognosis. It had been the final punch to the gut.

  ‘You look worn out, love.’ Johnny took the steaming coffees from the counter and handed Mia hers. ‘Please try to get home for some rest this afternoon. I’m worried about the toll this is taking on you.’

  What was the point in trying to rest? Mia couldn’t sleep. She’d nod off for about thirty minutes, then jerk awake and remember. Her mind would not stop whirring. Rest was not an option right now.

  Johnny was pouring sugar into his coffee when a voice behind them said, ‘I heard about the pregnant woman in here in a coma. I believe they’re keeping her alive as an incubator.’

  Mia’s blood ran cold. She flicked her eyes to a good-looking young man chatting to the cashier.

  ‘I know, isn’t it desperately sad?’ the woman said, as she took his money.

  ‘God, the poor family,’ he said insincerely. ‘I know them a little bit, actually. Our kids go to the same school. Is there any hope she’ll come out of the coma?’

  ‘No,’ the cashier said. ‘Apparently not.’

  ‘God, what a nightmare. Can the baby survive?’

  Mia stepped forward, but Johnny grabbed her arm. ‘Don’t,’ he hissed.

  ‘No one really knows,’ the cashier said, handing him some change. ‘The doctors and nurses looking after the woman are in bits. I see them coming in here for their coffees so upset. They’ve never dealt with anything like it before.’

  ‘Terrible situation. Do you know any of the doctors’ names? Maybe I could talk to them. My brother’s a consultant in New York. Maybe he could help.’

  Now the cashier seemed suspicious. ‘No, I don’t, and it wouldn’t be right anyway.’

  ‘Sure, yes, of course – I was only thinking if I could help in any way …’

  The cashier looked past him to the next customer. He took his coffee and left.

  ‘Johnny!’ Mia was shaking with rage and fear. ‘Do you recognize him?’

  ‘No, but he’s definitely a journalist. Tabloid, I’d say. Don’t move.’

  Johnny handed Mia his coffee and ran after the young man while Mia tried to figure out how he’d heard about Sarah. Only the family and some of the school staff knew. Then again, Izzy’s class parents knew that her mum had collapsed and was ‘asleep’. Two of the nice ones had texted Mia to say how sorry they were and that they’d be happy to look after Izzy. It probably wouldn’t take a genius to figure out that she was in a coma. And they all knew Sarah was pregnant because, according to Vanessa Dixon, Izzy had proudly told the class last week in Show and Tell. People talked. Damn it. This could not get out. It would be a complete disaster.

  No one outside the immediate family and the ICU staff knew that Sarah was brain dead. They’d specifically requested that the hospital keep that information on complete lockdown. They knew that if the news leaked and people found out they’d have opinions on it. Even they, Sarah’s own family, didn’t know what to think about it. The last thing they needed was other people knowing the awful truth. They had to stop this story getting out. It would be a media circus.

  Mia went to the hospital entrance. People streamed in and out, visitors holding flowers and bags, patients smoking in hospital gowns. Some patients chatted in groups with family and friends, others stood alone, looking forlornly into the distance.

  Mia wanted to shout at them: Be grateful for your life. My sister is dead. Stop smoking. Don’t ever take your health for granted. Appreciate what you have, hold your loved ones close and tell them you love them, because you never know when they may be ripped from you.

  Johnny walked back towards her, flushed.

  ‘Well?’

  ‘I got to him. He’s new and hungry. He heard about it from his girlfriend, who heard about it from her friend who has a kid in your school. I told him to let it go and have some consideration for the family, but he couldn’t give a toss. He knows it’s a good story.’

  Mia grabbed Johnny’s jumper sleeve. ‘What are we going to do?’

  ‘He writes for the Irish Daily News which is owned by the Irish Express. I know Jimmy Dolan, the editor-in-chief. I’ll talk to him and ask him to quash the story. He’s tough, Jimmy, but he’s a decent man. Don’t worry. I’ll sort it out, no matter what.’

  Mia buried her face in his chest. ‘Thank you. I’d die if it got into the papers. It would push all of us over the edge. This is our private pain and we don’t need people judging us.’

  ‘We’ll have to talk to the staff here and the doctors, put a stop to any information being leaked. All information about Sarah has to be contained. I’ll find Dr Mayhew and talk to him while you’re with Sarah. Then I’ll arrange a meeting with Jimmy Dolan.’

  Mia leaned into her husband and welcomed his taking control of the situation. She didn’t have the energy for it. All she wanted to do was be with her sister. It was all too much. ‘Can you not just ring him?’ she said desperately, wanting it sorted right now.

  ‘It’ll be harder for him to say no to quashing the story when I’m standing in front of him.’ Johnny’s jaw was set. ‘See you later.’

  Mia knew she could trust him to sort it out. She made her way back upstairs to ICU. In the reception area she bumped into Angela. The whole family had fallen a little in love with her – she was a saint in a uniform. Her little kindnesses, timely pats on the back, words of encouragement and cups of tea had kept them all going during the seemingly never-ending days and nights.

  ‘Good morning, Mia.’

  ‘Hi, Angela.’

  ‘How are you today?’

  ‘A bit freaked out, actually.’ Mia filled her in on the journalist.

  Angela was furious. ‘Bloody scumbag. How dare he try to get a story out of this? Don’t worry, I’ll talk to all the staff here and make damn sure that no one says a word.’ She squeezed Mia’s arm. ‘Now you go in there and be with your sister and I’ll sort out some sugary tea for you after that shock.’

  Mia wanted to weep with gratitude. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘The occupational therapist has just left, and Adam has gone off for a meeting with the consultant neurologist, so it’s a good time to go in.’

  ‘How is Sarah today?’

  ‘I wanted to mention it before you saw her. She’s a little swollen, but it’s just fluid, so don’t be alarmed.’

  ‘Is it affecting the baby?’

  ‘The baby seems fine, but the doctors will be keeping a close eye on it.�
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  Mia put on the protective gear and went into the room. She was glad Angela had forewarned her: Sarah’s whole body had swollen. Mia gasped at the sight of her. Sarah would hate to look puffy. She was always so careful not to put on weight. Unlike Mia, who was always thin and never put on weight no matter what she ate, Sarah had always had to be careful with her diet. Mia reckoned their different metabolisms were down to her being a worrier and Sarah being laidback. Mia worried her weight off, while Sarah’s positive attitude made her less nervy and thus more prone to gaining pounds.

  But Sarah had incredible willpower so she ate very healthily, exercised every day and only allowed herself a few treats now and then. She baked brownies, cakes and scones that everyone else ate. Mia didn’t know how she did it. She herself had tried to give up alcohol once and lasted three days. Life’s too short: I want a beer or a glass of wine after work and I’m not going to feel guilty about it, she’d told herself on day three, as she’d popped the top off a bottle of beer.

  Mia took a deep breath and sat down. ‘Don’t worry, Sarah. You’re only a little bloated, still gorgeous,’ she whispered. She took her sister’s hand in hers. ‘I wish you were here to go through this with me. Everything is such a mess. I need you.’

  Sarah remained stock still, the machines breathing for her. Mia sighed and took out the diary. She still hadn’t told any of the others about it, but she felt that Sarah wouldn’t mind her keeping this one thing for herself. She turned to the back of the book and read Sarah’s last entry. What were her sister’s last thoughts?

  April 2018

  ‘I’m having a son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  ‘I had the scan today, and it’s a boy! Oh, thank you, God, for this beautiful baby. I know it’s going to bring such joy to our family.

  ‘Adam didn’t make it to the scan and I was furious, but he was so emotional when I told him he was going to have a son. I’m so happy to be able to give him this. Our family will be complete. A beautiful little girl and now a boy too. I can’t wait to hold him in my arms. I hope he looks like Adam, dark hair and gorgeous hazel eyes.

  ‘Izzy is so like me, blonde and blue eyes, and I’d like Adam to have his own mini-me. He is already talking about teaching our baby football and taking him to rugby matches and watching Star Wars with him. It’s so lovely to see him so excited.

  ‘I can’t wait to go shopping for baby clothes. I know you shouldn’t tempt Fate, but I have a really good feeling about this baby. I just know everything is going to be OK.’

  Mia covered her mouth with her hand. To read her sister’s words and feel her joy leap off the page was agony. She reached over and touched Sarah’s cheek. ‘I’m so sorry – this should never have happened. You should still be here, enjoying this pregnancy and this baby. It’s just not fair.’

  Mia looked out of the window. Rain was coming down in sheets. Black clouds covered the sky. It was weather for ducks and shattered dreams. She shuffled around in the chair and tried to get comfortable, but a body racked with grief is never still.

  ‘I wanted to go shopping this morning, but I got a rotten headache. I’m too scared to take any painkillers for it but it’s pretty bad. I actually had to pull over after dropping Izzy to school because my eyesight got blurry.

  ‘I’m in bed now resting and it’s getting a little better. I’m probably low on iron. I’ll pop into the chemist on my way to collect Izzy and get some.

  ‘I’ve had a few bad headaches with this pregnancy. I didn’t have any with Izzy, but I felt much more nauseous on her pregnancy. I was constantly retching into the sink when I was pregnant with her. But it passed after fifteen weeks. I’m sure these headaches will pass too.

  ‘Anyway, who cares about a few headaches or nausea or any of it? I have a beautiful daughter and I’m going to have a gorgeous son. It’s so worth it. I hate hearing women moaning about being pregnant – how hard it is and how they hate being “fat”. It makes me so cross. First of all, you’re so lucky to be pregnant, it’s a blessing and not everyone is lucky enough to have children, and second of all, you’re not fat, you have a baby inside you.

  ‘Mind you, shifting Izzy’s baby weight after she was born was a struggle. I used the excuse to eat for two when I was pregnant, and it took me a year to shift that extra stone. I’m going to try to be healthier in this pregnancy.

  ‘I loved my bump with Izzy. This one isn’t showing yet, but I can’t wait until it is. I’ll walk around sticking it out proudly. Dad is so thrilled. His eyes were all watery and he kept saying, “A grandson, imagine that.”

  ‘I think he would have liked a son. I know he adores Mia and me, but sometimes there were just too many women in the house for him. I’m so happy he’s happy. He said he couldn’t wait to tell Olivia. He really likes her. More than we realized. I’m glad he’s happy, but she can be a little annoying. She doesn’t bother me that much and she’s nice to Dad, which is all that really matters, but Mia can’t stand her and, being Mia, she doesn’t exactly hide it. She can be quite rude at times. I know it bothers Dad. I said it to Mia, but she got all grumpy and said I was being fake-nice and she didn’t do fake.

  ‘She’s so stubborn at times. I told her it was better to be fake-nice and not hurt Olivia’s or Dad’s feelings than always to say exactly what she thought. I reminded her that she has to be diplomatic in her job at school and she should try using those skills with Olivia too.

  ‘I know why Mia hates Olivia so much – she’s not Mum. Mia can’t stand the thought of Mum being replaced. But Olivia isn’t replacing her, and she never will. Mum was Mum. Olivia is just someone who is nice to Dad and keeps him busy.

  ‘But Mia doesn’t want Dad to move on: she wants the house to remain exactly the same. But Dad deserves to be happy. We all do. Mia needs to get over herself.’

  Mia bristled. ‘Get over myself! Huh. Thanks, Sarah. I’d like to see how you’d have reacted if the situation was reversed. I’d like to see how blasé you’d have been if Dad had died first and Mum had rocked up with some silver fox, who was all over her. I don’t think you’d have liked it one bit, and you’d have found it a lot harder to be “fake-nice” to him.’

  ‘I’m worried about Izzy feeling left out. She’s mentioned one or two things about the baby taking up all of my time and wondered whether I’ll love her the same when he’s born. I’ve really tried to reassure her. I want her to know how loved and cherished she is. I want her to love her brother and not resent him. It’s so important that they bond well. I don’t know what I’d do without Mia. Even if she drives me nuts at times, and I know I bug her too, she’s my person. No one in the world has my back like Mia and I’m the same with her. I’m allowed to give out about her from time to time, but when Adam does, it makes me furious.

  ‘He finds Mia too strident – they clash all the time. I’ve tried to suggest to Mia that she doesn’t pull him up on everything he says that she disagrees with, and I’ve said the exact same thing to Adam, but they can’t help themselves. They disagree on so many things. If Mia says black, Adam says white.

  ‘Adam told Mia last week that she was way too strict with Riley and that all her controlling was going to achieve was to push Riley away. He told her to chill out and let Riley live a little or she’d ruin her relationship with her daughter. He meant it in a nice way, because he loves Riley, but it came out a bit strong and preachy. Besides, no one wants to be told how to raise their kids, especially not Mia.’

  Mia remembered it well – it was only a few weeks ago. She’d been furious with Adam for telling her how to raise her child. She remembered exactly what she’d said: ‘You have no idea what it’s like to have a teenager. Just you wait until Izzy is fifteen. Then you’ll see how bloody hard it is. It is my job to keep Riley safe from all the pitfalls out there and I don’t appreciate your criticism. Keep your opinions to yourself.’

  Adam was an authority on everything. He knew best. Well, he sure as hell didn’t know what it was like to deal with an emotiona
l, cranky, self-centred teen. Mia had watched her lovely smiley child turn into a sulky stranger who lashed out at her all the time. Mia had been to the talks and listened to the experts and read books about how to raise happy teens, but the reality of the day-to-day grind of dealing with Riley’s moods, trying to keep her safe but giving her some independence, was the most challenging thing she’d ever faced.

  Well, she’d thought it was the most challenging thing until now. Sarah had brought a whole new meaning to ‘challenging’. It was amazing that in one moment your life changed. In just one tiny second, it can shatter until it’s unrecognizable. One minute you’re worried about your teenager getting drunk at a party, and the next your sister collapses and dies. Just like that. It all seemed so ridiculous.

  ‘I felt bad for Mia. Adam and I don’t know what it’s like to have a teenager and I can see that Riley is challenging, but she’s still the sweet girl underneath all that angst. Mia is tough on her. I know she worries she’ll go off the rails with drink and even drugs, but Riley’s got her head screwed on. Mia raised her to be strong-minded and not someone who will follow the herd. She’s tough like Mia on the outside but all soft and kind and loving like Mia on the inside.

  ‘Hopefully it’s just a phase and they’ll find each other again soon. They were such pals when Riley was younger – they need to find their way back. I know they will. Mia loves Riley more than anything and Riley adores her mum. They’ll figure it out. I’m going to tell Mia to be more patient. It will definitely help things if she stops reacting so strongly to Riley’s moods. I know Mia is stressed and under pressure now, with Johnny losing his job, but I also know that Mia will be happier if she can reconnect with Riley.’

  Mia laid the book on the bed and propped her elbows on her knees, cradling her face with her hands. ‘You’re so right, Sarah. It would really help if I could get back on track with Riley. I miss my daughter so much, the funny, lively girl I used to know. I’ll try to be more patient, I promise.’