Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘Don’t worry about it. I can handle Harry.’

  ‘No,’ Zach said, reaching out to squeeze her arm. ‘I’m sorry for everything you’re going through and for the whole Zoë thing. You’re amazing, Riley.’

  Riley’s heart was pounding in her chest. Zach had realized his mistake. This was it.

  Zach leaned towards her. ‘You’re so strong, no one can hurt you.’ He patted her arm and stood up. ‘Gotta go. I’m meeting Zoë to help her train for the Leinster finals this weekend.’

  I hope she trips and smashes her stupid smug face into the ground, Riley thought.

  ‘See you,’ she said, as her heart shrivelled.

  34

  Rob read the last line of the book. He looked down at his sleepy niece and kissed her forehead. She was cleaning her glasses again. ‘They’re clean, sweetie. Let’s put them down here.’

  ‘No, I see a bit of dust.’ Izzy rubbed harder.

  ‘You can clean them again in the morning if you want to. But now you need some sleep.’ Rob took them from her and placed them on her bedside locker. He pulled her pink princess duvet up to cover her shoulders. ‘You’re tired, Izzy. Will I leave the lamp on or switch it off?’

  ‘On, please. I’m having bad dreams about Mummy and I hate waking up when it’s all dark.’

  Poor little kid. Rob remembered having lots of nightmares as a child. ‘When I used to have nightmares, I’d wake Adam up and he’d talk to me until I fell back asleep. You should do that if you wake up. He’s very good at making the nightmares go away.’

  Izzy rolled onto her side and looked up at her uncle. ‘I feel bad waking Daddy up. He’s so tired, it feels mean to wake him.’

  ‘Well, wake me up, then. I’ve lots of energy.’

  Izzy wrinkled her nose. ‘That would feel strange, but maybe. Are you and Ellen going to have kids?’

  Rob smiled. ‘I hope so. We’ve only been married two years, but we definitely want children. I’d be the happiest man alive if I had a gorgeous little girl like you.’

  Izzy smiled. ‘I hope you have babies soon. I want more cousins. I only have Riley. I was a bit worried at first about having a little brother, but now I’m excited. I think it’ll be fun.’

  Somehow Rob managed to keep his face blank. He busied himself placing the book on the locker beside Izzy’s glasses. As he stood up to go Izzy called him. ‘Uncle Rob?’

  ‘Yes, sweetheart?’

  ‘Do you remember your mummy?’

  Rob shook his head. ‘No, she died when Adam was three and I was only a few months old.’

  ‘That’s so sad. Was your daddy able to look after you and make your school lunches?’

  If only you knew, he thought. ‘Well, to be honest, Adam and I did a lot for ourselves growing up. Dad was working. Adam was the best big brother ever. He always looked after me. You know he’ll always look after you, don’t you?’

  Izzy nodded. ‘Yes, but I want Mummy back.’

  Rob came back over and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘Oh, love, I know you do. But just remember, you have a whole big family who love you and are here to look after you. Not just your dad, but Mia and Johnny and Riley and your granddad and me and Ellen too.’

  Izzy’s eyes narrowed. ‘I know, but I want Mummy, and I know she’ll come back to me. She always said she’d never leave me. She’s going to wake up on my Communion Day, I just know it.’

  Rob didn’t want to get drawn into this minefield. He was terrified he’d say the wrong thing. He pointed to the clock on her bedside table. ‘Look at the time! You need your beauty sleep, princess.’ He kissed her.

  ‘Uncle Rob?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I’m glad you came over to help Daddy. He needs someone to mind him.’

  ‘I’m very glad I can help in any way. I owe your dad a lot.’

  ‘Uncle Rob?’

  ‘Yes, pet?’

  ‘Will you look up YouTube and teach Daddy how to do plaits?’

  He smiled. ‘I will. Now go to sleep, and remember, if you have bad dreams, come in and wake me up or, if you prefer, go in to your dad.’

  ‘Night, night.’

  Rob exited the room and prayed his poor little niece got a good night’s sleep. He knew he wouldn’t get a wink of sleep after the hospital that day. He’d spent about an hour in the room with Sarah and Adam, and it had taken every bit of willpower he possessed not to run screaming from the room. Even since he’d arrived in Ireland, Sarah’s body had deteriorated hugely. Today Angela had warned them it was bad, but nothing could have prepared him. Sarah looked like something from a horror movie. It had shaken him to the core. He understood his brother wanted to try to keep Ben alive, but after today, Rob just couldn’t see how any baby could survive in that situation. It was unnatural and deeply unsettling. The thing was, he didn’t think Adam could see it. God knew how that was possible, but Adam kept kissing Sarah’s face and whispering to her, and that was as unnerving as how Sarah looked.

  Rob went into the living room carrying a tray of drinks and a plate of cheese and crackers. The room was painted and furnished in soft, soothing colours. Everything blended in. Beige, taupe and olive green sat side by side, complementing each other. Nothing jarred the senses.

  ‘I love this room. I spent so many nights cuddled up on the couch with Sarah, watching movies and drinking wine.’ Adam sounded so wistful.

  Rob handed his brother a large gin and tonic, and Adam took a long sip. ‘Bloody hell!’ he spluttered. ‘Is there any tonic in this?’

  Rob sat down beside him on the couch. ‘I thought you needed a strong one.’ He knocked back half of his in one go.

  ‘You clearly do,’ Adam said.

  ‘I’ve got to be honest with you, Adam, I was shocked when I saw Sarah today. Like, really shocked.’

  Adam’s jaw clenched. ‘I know it’s hard, but she’s still fighting so I have to fight too. I will not give up on Ben.’

  Rob remained silent and took another gulp of his drink.

  Adam sipped his gin and tonic. ‘I’ve been avoiding alcohol. I’m afraid if I start drinking, I may never stop.’

  ‘Don’t worry, I won’t let you overdo it.’

  ‘What if I have Dad’s genes and end up an alcoholic?’

  ‘Adam,’ Rob said gently, ‘you’ve always been able to have a few drinks without going overboard. You’re never going to be like Dad.’

  Adam pulled a cushion from behind his back. It was edged with little fabric bobbles. ‘Sometimes, lately, in very dark moments, I kind of envy Dad. He just disappeared into a haze of booze. He felt no responsibility to anyone. He only thought about and loved himself. Maybe he had the right attitude – life would be easier if we didn’t love or have to take care of others. There would be no pain or grief.’

  Rob kicked off his shoes and placed his feet on the velvet footstool. ‘He was a selfish, pathetic, shallow old bastard, who left this world without one person mourning him. Would you really want that? I know you’re in Hell right now, but you loved and were loved. You have Izzy, who adores you and whom you adore. It’s not what you wanted, it’s not what you had, but it’s still something good.’

  Adam took another swig of his drink and let the numbing effect of the alcohol wash over him. ‘I’m not a good dad, Rob. I can’t even make her bloody lunch. She needs Sarah – I need Sarah.’ He began to cry.

  Rob silently handed him a tissue.

  ‘Sarah was our family. She was the centre. She was the most important person. I was so busy working all the time that I left raising Izzy to her. I should have been home more. She asked me – she made me promise that when our son was born I’d be home every night for dinner. I should have been here more, Rob. I wasn’t a good husband or father.’

  Rob put down his glass and sat forward. ‘Hold on a minute here. You are a good husband and father. You provide for your family. You’ve given them a beautiful home, security, love and a good life. OK, so you weren’t home every night, big bloody deal. I’m no
t home every night either. Ellen is always complaining that I work too hard. But they don’t get it. We have to work hard! It’s the only way we can feel safe. When you come from nothing, you never feel you have enough. You crave financial safety and security, but it’s never enough.’

  Adam nodded. ‘You’re the only one who really understands. No one else knows what it’s like to live each day not knowing if there’d be food in the house, if Dad would be awake or unconscious. Oh, Rob, what am I going to do about the baby?’ Adam asked, his voice breaking.

  Rob chose his words very carefully. ‘I can’t tell you what to do. You have to look at the facts and make that decision yourself. Weigh up what the doctors are saying and make the decision that’s best for your whole family – all four of you.’

  Adam buried his face in his hands. ‘I know what’s happening to Sarah is awful, but my boy’s heart is still beating. Sarah would have done anything for her kids. She once said she’d give up her life for Izzy.’

  ‘You don’t have to make a decision today or tomorrow. Take a breath.’

  Rob was really worried that Adam was going to crack. He was teetering very close to the edge. His big brother had always been the strong one, the determined, driven, confident one. He had always been there for Rob, through thick and a lot of very thin. Adam was his hero, the person he looked up to and admired most. But now, looking at that broken man, Rob knew he had to be the supportive one. He had to be strong for Adam. If his brother wanted to keep Sarah alive, Rob would back him. Just like Adam had always backed Rob. No matter what curveballs life threw at them – and there had been many – they always had each other’s back.

  After seeing Sarah, Rob had called Ellen and sobbed down the phone. It was such a shock to see her in that terrible state. Ellen said she thought it was wrong and they should turn the machines off, but Rob said it was Adam’s decision and he had to support him no matter what. They’d ended up arguing about it.

  It was the ultimate impossible choice. Rob’s heart broke for his brother. You’d think life would give Adam a break. Seriously, what kind of God lumps this on a man who has already had to claw his way through childhood? Rob drank deeply and enjoyed the burning sensation as the alcohol slid down his throat.

  ‘I don’t like fighting with Charlie and Mia, but it’s my son.’ Adam looked at Rob with eyes full of anguish. ‘Dad gave up on us, and I won’t give up on my Ben. If that means falling out with the others, then so be it. If I can’t trust them, they can’t be near Sarah. It’s as simple as that.’

  Rob knew it was very far from simple. ‘Why don’t I try to talk to Charlie and Mia, smooth things over? I’m with you, all the way.’

  Adam wiped the tears from his face. ‘Thanks, Rob. I feel like I’m going mad. My only sanity is you.’

  Rob picked up his drink and knocked it back. He wanted to sleep, to pass out, to wipe out the gruesome image of Sarah’s distended and distorted body. But he knew he had to get up tomorrow and face it again.

  35

  Johnny walked into the bedroom and placed a cup of tea on the bedside locker. ‘Come on, up you come and drink your tea.’ He placed his hands under Mia’s arms and lifted his wife into a seated position. ‘You’ve had an evening and a morning in bed crying. Time to get up now.’

  Johnny gathered up the mound of tissues on the floor beside Mia and threw them into the wastepaper basket. He opened the curtains.

  Mia winced as sunlight flooded the room. ‘Stop, Johnny, it’s too bright.’

  He opened the window. Fresh air flowed into the room. ‘Sunlight and fresh air are good for you. Drink your tea.’ He handed her the mug. It had ‘Number 1 Mum’ on it. Riley had given it to her for Mother’s Day when she was nine, still sweet and compliant.

  Mia sipped the tea. ‘Sugar?’

  ‘I put some in to give you energy.’

  ‘Nice.’ Mia sipped again. Her head ached.

  ‘I know you want to pull the covers over your head and stay there, but it’s only going to make you feel worse. You need to get up and go to see Sarah. Talk to her. I know she looks awful, but hold her hand, talk to her, make your peace with her going and say what you want to say to her.’

  ‘I’m not allowed near her, remember?’ Mia said bitterly. ‘Adam was very clear on that last night.’

  ‘To hell with Adam. He can’t stop you seeing your own sister. Besides, I checked. Angela’s on duty this afternoon and Adam will be picking Izzy up from school, so you can slip in then. It’ll make you feel better to see her. It’ll help you get your head straight.’

  Mia put down the mug of sweet tea. She reached up and pulled her husband close. ‘I love you, Johnny. You’re the best man there is.’

  ‘Even unemployed?’

  ‘Even unemployed.’ She kissed him on the lips. They held each other for a minute, each enjoying the closeness and comfort of the other’s arms.

  Johnny pulled back first. ‘Much as I love you and enjoy your hugs, you need a long shower. I’ll make you something to eat and then drive you to the hospital.’

  Mia smiled. ‘Thank you. Thank you for marrying me even though I can be short-tempered, bossy and a pain in the arse.’

  Johnny grinned. ‘I like being bossed around and you aren’t a pain in the arse, you’re just very … uhm … decisive.’

  Mia laughed. ‘How tactfully put.’

  Angela came straight over to Mia when she spotted her putting on an apron and mask.

  ‘How are you doing, Mia? Yesterday was a very tough day. All the doctors were upset about the meeting and having to give such awful news.’

  Mia sighed. ‘It was very grim. Adam didn’t take it well. He’s banned me and Dad from seeing Sarah.’

  Angela glanced around and whispered, ‘He’s told us all to keep you away.’

  Mia rubbed the disinfectant soap into her hands and looked into Angela’s eyes. ‘I need to see Sarah, even if it’s the last time.’

  ‘Of course you do. You slip in there now and I’ll keep an eye out. If I hear him coming, I’ll warn you. We don’t want a scene in ICU, but I know how much you love your sister, and sure how could I deny you or poor Charlie seeing her?’

  ‘Thanks, Angela, I really appreciate that.’

  ‘Go on in now and I’ll keep watch.’

  Mia paused. ‘Does she … is she … worse?’

  Angela nodded. ‘I’m so sorry, but yes. It’s happening faster all the time. We can’t prevent it, even with all the medication. You’ll find it hard to look at her.’

  Mia pulled her mask up over her mouth and took a deep breath. She braced herself as she walked in.

  Sarah looked truly horrific. Mia closed her eyes to block out the awful sight. Part of her wanted to run away, but then she remembered what Johnny had said: ‘Hold her hand and talk to her.’

  Mia walked over to the bed. It was like another world in here. A separate universe where all the anger, angst and arguing were left behind. Here, she could talk to her sister in peace. Except for the whirring of the ventilator and the beep of the machines every now and then, it was like an oasis of calm away from the storm raging outside, with all of the people who loved Sarah fighting about her.

  Mia sat down and took her sister’s hand. Avoiding looking at her bulging eyes and bloated face, she concentrated on Sarah’s hand. She took the lavender hand cream she’d brought with her out of her bag. She squirted a drop onto Sarah’s right hand and began to massage it into her sister’s dried-out fingers. The scent of lavender filled the room.

  ‘I miss you so much, Sarah. We all do. Things are a bit tricky, I’m afraid. Everyone’s so upset and emotions are running high. I know you’d hate to think we were fighting and arguing about you. We’re all heartbroken. We love you so much and each of us wants the best for you and the baby, but we don’t agree on what that is.’ Mia didn’t want to tell Sarah that her husband had gone crazy and was behaving like a total tyrant, treating her and Charlie like dirt.

  ‘You’ll be glad to know
that Rob came over from Toronto to be with Adam. He hasn’t left his side. I’m so sorry things have turned out like this. I know how much you wanted a baby. We’re all just devastated. To be honest, Sarah, my head aches from trying to know what the right thing to do is. So, I’m going to give us both a break and just sit here and read you your diary.’

  Mia flicked through the diary. ‘Let’s choose a happy memory. Oh, here, look! It’s your wedding day.’

  ‘I cannot believe I’m marrying the man of my dreams! I’m going to be Mrs Adam Brown. Mia thinks it’s silly to take your husband’s name. She still calls herself Mia Wilson, but I want to take Adam’s name. I want to be Mrs Brown. I can’t wait to be part of a married couple. I want to make Adam the happiest man ever and have lots of mini-Adams and mini-mes to look after. I think four kids would be perfect. Two boys and two girls. I want my daughter to have a sister. Sisters are the best. Mia always has my back. She’s always been there for me, looking out for me and helping me and, yes, bossing me around too. I don’t mind Mia’s bossing, though, because she does it out of love and concern.

  ‘I’m so happy I met Adam. He’s perfect. I know that he will protect me and keep me safe and love me for ever. He’s so good to me and he always makes me feel like the most gorgeous, precious thing in his life. I’ve never had a boyfriend who makes me feel this good about myself or so safe and loved and cherished. I feel like I could literally fly with Adam by my side.

  ‘I’m so happy I could burst. I almost feel weepy about how happy I am. I have the best parents, the best sister and, in a few hours, I’ll have the best husband in the world. I am one lucky girl.

  ‘Oh, and the best flower girl. Riley looks adorable in her little dress. She is such a cutie although I can see Mum and Mia’s personality in her. Riley knows what she likes and doesn’t like and she’s only seven! I reckon Mia will have her hands full when she’s a teenager.’

  Mia snorted. ‘How right you were, Sarah. Riley is one big handful.’

  ‘Mum always says that Mia was far more challenging than me as a teenager. But she always smiled when she said it. Mum adores Mia and loves that she challenges her and argues with her and debates all kinds of subjects with her. I think I’m too boring and placid for Mum. Don’t get me wrong, Mum adores me, but she enjoys being with Mia more. I don’t really get het up about things like Mum and Mia do. I just want a quiet, easy life. I know that may sound selfish and you should really go out and march for causes and all that, but to be honest, and I can only admit this here, I just want to be at home with Adam, snuggled up on the couch.