Seven Letters

by Sinéad Moriarty

  Adam sat beside her and put his arms around her. ‘I will. I will do all those things.’

  ‘But you’re always working.’

  ‘I’m not going to work so much any more. I’m going to be home to look after you. I’ll learn to cook and do your hair, and I’ll do all the things that Mummy did. We can do this together. I’m here for you, Izzy. Daddy’s here.’

  ‘But I want Mummy,’ Izzy sobbed.

  ‘I know you do.’

  ‘She’s my special person.’

  ‘She was mine too.’

  ‘Everyone has a mummy.’

  ‘Actually …’ Rob walked down the corridor carrying two coffees. He set them down and knelt beside Izzy and Adam. ‘… your dad and I had no mummy. Our mummy died when we were very small. We were very sad in the beginning, but we were OK.’

  Izzy sniffed. ‘Did you have a good daddy?’

  Rob put his hand on Adam’s shoulder. ‘Not even close to as good as your daddy is. Your daddy loves you enough for two people and more.’

  ‘Mummy said she loved me more than the whole world.’ Izzy bunched her fists against her eyes.

  ‘She did,’ Adam said, ‘but she’s still with you, Izzy. She’s here.’ He touched Izzy’s heart. ‘She will always be in your heart. She is you and you are her.’

  ‘And you’ve got so many people who love you and want to help look after you, like Riley and Mia and Johnny and Granddad and me and Ellen,’ Rob said.

  ‘But they’re not Mummy.’

  ‘No one is as special as your mummy. But we’ll all help you through this. You and your daddy,’ Rob said, touching Izzy’s cheek.

  Izzy looked up wearily at Adam. ‘I’m tired, Daddy. Can we go home?’

  ‘Yes, we can. Maybe you’d like to look at photos and videos of Mummy in the car. Remember the fun times.’

  Izzy nodded and took his phone.

  On the way home, Rob drove in silence while Izzy and Adam sat in the back together, watching videos of Sarah – alive, vibrant, beautiful, loving and laughing. Adam felt Izzy’s body relax. She even managed a little laugh at the video of Sarah trying to do cartwheels with her on the beach.

  Maybe they would get through this, maybe …

  50

  Riley stood in the kitchen, hands on hips. ‘So, let me get this straight. We were invited to the house after the Communion, then disinvited, then re-invited to call over at six o’clock when the party is essentially over? I had plans and you’ve called me back home for this?’

  ‘Yes,’ Mia said. Adam had sent her a text asking if she, her father and the others would please come to the house. It would mean a lot to Izzy, he’d written.

  ‘We’re doing it for Sarah, and most of all for Izzy,’ Mia said.

  ‘We’re all going, even Granddad?’

  ‘Yes, because it’s Izzy’s day.’

  ‘Even though Adam is a prick?’

  ‘Language, and yes.’ Mia had wanted to tell him where to shove his last-minute invitation, but when she thought of Izzy in her dress, so hopeful and so sure her mum would wake up, she knew she had to go there.

  ‘Dad?’ Riley turned to Johnny. ‘What do you think?’

  Johnny swung his car keys around his finger. ‘We need to focus on Izzy. It’s up to us to be there for her out of respect for Sarah. If, God forbid, anything happened to Mia, I’d have wanted Sarah to show up for you.’

  ‘Yeah, but you wouldn’t have shouted at her and banned her from the hospital or the house, like Adam has.’

  ‘Who knows how I’d behave if I was in his situation? Lookit, I agree he’s treated Mia and Granddad terribly, but he’s deranged with grief.’

  ‘He’s deranged all right,’ Riley said. ‘Mum, don’t die because I’m not living with Dad if he turns into Adam.’

  Mia finished wiping down the countertop. ‘I’ll do my best. By the way, you were great with Izzy this morning. She looked perfect. Well done.’

  Riley shrugged. ‘I was happy to. I remember my Communion Day as being a really great day and Izzy’s is … well, it sucks.’

  ‘Yeah, it doesn’t get worse than having your mum being in a brain-dead coma on your Communion Day,’ Shocko agreed. ‘I thought mine was bad because my dad got really drunk and started doing Elvis impressions.’

  ‘And he’s so bad at them.’ Riley grinned.

  ‘The worst,’ Shocko said. ‘But after a few whiskeys he actually thinks he is Elvis.’

  ‘Parents can be so embarrassing.’

  ‘Yours are pretty cool,’ Shocko said.

  ‘Thanks, Shocko.’ Johnny patted his shoulder. ‘Although I’m not sure Riley agrees with you.’

  Riley dipped a biscuit into her tea. ‘You’re not the worst.’

  ‘Gee, thanks,’ Mia said.

  Riley grinned at her. Mia smiled back.

  ‘We should go.’ Johnny looked at his watch.

  ‘Why don’t you come too, Shocko?’ Mia suggested.

  ‘Oh, no. I don’t want to crash the party.’

  Johnny held up his car keys. ‘The more the merrier, and Riley’s always happier when you’re around.’

  ‘It’s not me that makes Riley happy, it’s Zach.’

  ‘Zach?’ Mia spun around.

  ‘Dude!’ Riley hissed.

  ‘Sorry, I thought they knew.’

  ‘So Zach’s the guy?’ Johnny asked. ‘Is he your boyfriend now?’

  ‘No … Well, kind of.’

  ‘Are you a couple?’ Mia asked.

  ‘See?’ Riley glared at Shocko. ‘Now I’m going to get interrogated.’

  Shocko held up his hands. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s still very early days and I don’t want to talk about it,’ Riley said.

  ‘Is that who you were with this morning?’

  ‘I was with Shocko too.’

  ‘Threesome!’ Johnny winked.

  ‘Dad!’

  ‘Joking, love.’

  ‘I don’t think I could do a threesome with another guy. Two girls, definitely,’ Shocko said.

  ‘Is he in school with you?’ Mia was determined to get as much information as possible before Riley shut down.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Is he nice?’

  ‘Yes, Mum.’

  Mia looked at Shocko.

  ‘Yeah, and he’s sporty,’ Shocko told her.

  ‘Now we’re talking.’ Johnny rubbed his hands together. ‘Rugby? Soccer?’

  Silence.

  ‘Tennis? Basketball?’ Johnny continued listing sports.

  Shocko grinned. ‘What is it he’s into again, Riley?’

  ‘He’s into high jump,’ Riley muttered.

  ‘High jump?’ Johnny repeated. ‘As in high jump?’ He tried to suppress a chuckle.

  ‘Yes, Dad.’

  ‘Right. Not the most macho of sports, but good enough.’

  ‘It’s actually really skilled and he trains all the time and he’s really fit and good at it.’

  ‘Good for him. It shows he’s focused and dedicated,’ Mia said. ‘Kids who are good at sports tend to stay on the straight and narrow.’

  ‘Oh, Mum, you’re making him sound like a nerd now.’

  Silence.

  ‘He’s not a nerd. He’s actually quite cool.’ Riley crossed her arms defensively.

  ‘Really?’ Johnny sounded doubtful.

  ‘Yes, really.’

  ‘He sounds lovely, Riley.’

  ‘Mum, don’t say lovely. When parents say a boy is lovely it means he’s a total loser.’

  ‘True for girls, too. My parents told me their friend’s daughter was “lovely”. She was five feet tall and five feet wide, with a face like a slapped fish,’ Shocko said.

  ‘Fine. He sounds nice,’ Mia said.

  ‘That’s worse.’ Riley groaned.

  ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake, sporty, cool, whatever. Can we please go now?’ Mia huffed. ‘We’ve more important things to be doing. I want to see Izzy and make sure she’s OK. She went to see Sar
ah this morning and I’m really worried about her.’

  ‘Let’s go,’ Johnny said, putting his arm around Mia.

  Riley linked Shocko’s arm. ‘You’re coming, too, to protect me from Mum’s inquisition about Zach.’

  They walked out, Mia praying Adam would behave and not start another argument. She didn’t have the energy for it.

  51

  They all stood at the doorstep.

  ‘What do you think this is about?’ Charlie asked. ‘An olive branch?’

  ‘I think Izzy went to see Sarah and is traumatized and he wants us to be there for her,’ Mia whispered.

  ‘I cannot believe he let her see her mother like that. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him.’

  ‘I agree completely, Dad, but to be fair to him, Izzy was absolutely insistent.’

  ‘Well, if he says one rude, insensitive thing, I’m out of here,’ Charlie said.

  ‘Quite right, Charlie, and I’ll be behind you,’ Olivia said. ‘If he even looks at you sideways, I’ll start the car.’

  ‘What if he looks at him sideways by accident, like, not in a dodgy way, just in an oh-look-there’s-Charlie way?’ Shocko asked.

  Olivia regarded him for a moment. ‘Are you Riley’s boyfriend yet?’ she asked.

  ‘Steady, Olivia,’ Mia said. ‘Shocko is her best friend, you know that. Her boyfriend is a boy called Zach. Apparently he’s very good at the high jump.’

  ‘Shut up, Mum,’ Riley said, making a face.

  ‘High jump?’ Charlie didn’t sound impressed.

  ‘Yes, Granddad.’

  ‘Pity it isn’t football.’

  ‘Too right,’ Johnny said. ‘Or rugby.’

  ‘Oh, yes, that would be nice.’

  ‘Can you all please stop picking on Zach?’

  ‘Can you pick on someone if they’re not actually, like, present?’ Shocko asked.

  ‘I don’t think so,’ Johnny said.

  ‘Well, stop dissing him, then.’

  ‘What’s dissing?’ Olivia asked.

  ‘Dismissing,’ Mia explained.

  ‘Why don’t you just say that?’ Olivia asked Riley.

  ‘Because dissing is more street,’ Shocko said.

  ‘What in God’s name is he talking about?’ Olivia asked Charlie.

  ‘I think he means it’s more modern,’ Charlie said, smiling.

  ‘Oh, you lot with your LOLs and your FOMOs, I can’t keep up,’ Olivia huffed. ‘Why can’t you just use proper English?’

  ‘Correct English,’ Riley said.

  ‘What?’ Olivia asked.

  ‘It’s actually “pardon”, if you’re so keen on manners.’ Riley smirked.

  ‘Are you going to let her speak to me like that?’ Olivia glared at Mia and Johnny.

  ‘I think you mean “allow her to”,’ Mia said, with a grin.

  ‘Well, I never –’ Olivia’s huffing was interrupted by the front door opening.

  Adam stood in front of them. His shirt was hanging out and he looked like hell. ‘Thanks for coming,’ was all he said, as he stood aside to let them in.

  They trooped past him into the kitchen. The counter was laden with party food that lay untouched. The bouncy castle in the garden was deflated. The chocolate fountain was turned off.

  ‘What happened?’ Mia asked.

  ‘I couldn’t go through with it,’ Adam said.

  ‘Oh, thank God. So Izzy didn’t see her?’ Mia said.

  ‘No.’

  ‘You made the right decision,’ Charlie said.

  Adam nodded. Rob came in with Izzy. She was in a pink unicorn onesie. Her eyes were red and swollen from crying.

  Mia’s heart melted. She rushed over and hugged her. ‘How’s my little pet?’

  Izzy shook her head. ‘I had a real bad day.’

  ‘Oh, Izzy.’

  ‘Mummy is gone. She’s – she’s not coming back. The machine was just making her breathe, but Mummy is not there.’

  Mia looked up at Adam. He nodded sadly.

  ‘Well, when I look at you, all I see is Sarah. Your mummy is in you, Izzy,’ Mia said gently.

  ‘Daddy said she’s in my heart.’ Izzy began to sob.

  Mia nodded. ‘He’s right, Izzy, she is. She’s always in your heart, but also in your eyes and your hair and your smile and your gorgeous personality, too.’

  Johnny handed Mia a tissue. She wiped Izzy’s eyes and then her own.

  ‘Sarah would be very proud of you,’ Charlie croaked.

  Izzy’s eyes were bright with more tears. ‘I’m proud of her too. But I wish … I wish she wasn’t gone. I thought she was going to wake up for my special day. I really believed it.’

  ‘It was the same with Granny Penny. Sometimes when you get super-sick you just can’t fight it.’ Mia held Izzy close. ‘But your mummy loved you more than anything or anyone. You were her world and she’ll always be watching over you, minding you, guiding you and protecting you.’

  ‘And you can still talk to her,’ Charlie said. ‘I still talk to Penny all the time.’

  Olivia stiffened. ‘Do you?’

  ‘Uh-oh,’ Shocko whispered.

  ‘Yes, and she gives me great advice,’ Charlie said to Izzy.

  ‘Does she?’ Izzy said. ‘Can you hear her voice?’

  ‘In my head and my heart. If you listen, you’ll hear Sarah.’

  Izzy stayed still. ‘I don’t hear her.’

  ‘It won’t happen all the time, but at night when you’re lying in bed, talk to her and see what happens,’ Charlie told her.

  ‘If he’s talking to your gran in bed, he mustn’t be shagging Olivia,’ Shocko whispered. ‘I mean, that would be way too weird.’

  ‘Sssh,’ Riley hissed.

  ‘I’ll do it tonight, Granddad.’

  ‘That’s my girl.’ Charlie kissed Izzy’s head.

  ‘We’re all here for you, pet,’ Johnny said. ‘If you feel sad or want to talk to Riley or Mia or Granddad or me or anyone, just pick up the phone. Anytime.’

  ‘Thank you, Johnny.’

  ‘We love you, Izzy. We love you so much. We’ll always be here for you,’ Mia said.

  ‘But that’s what Mummy said and now she’s gone,’ Izzy whispered.

  Silence.

  Riley wiped her eyes with her T-shirt and sniffed. ‘Well, I’m not going anywhere. Come on, this is supposed to be a good day for you. Let’s turn on that chocolate fountain and eat chocolate marshmallows until we puke. OK?’

  Izzy half smiled. ‘OK.’

  Shocko took out his phone and put on some music.

  While Riley and Shocko distracted Izzy, Adam asked the adults to come into the lounge. They sat on the two couches, facing each other, and waited for him to speak.

  Adam stood in the middle of the room, Rob beside him. From outside the door they could hear Riley saying, ‘No stopping until we puke,’ and Izzy giving a little laugh.

  Adam smiled. ‘She’s great with Izzy.’

  ‘Yes, she is,’ Mia agreed.

  ‘First, I owe you all a big apology. I’ve behaved really badly and I’m sorry. I – I’ve been so terrified, angry, upset and freaked out since Sarah collapsed. I can’t sleep or eat. I thought I was doing the right thing. I really thought keeping Sarah alive was the best thing to do. I was clinging to a screed of hope, like a drowning man. I felt so alone. I needed to believe I could salvage something from this horror. But when I went into that room this morning and I looked at Sarah through Izzy’s eyes, I saw – I saw what she’s become. I saw … I saw that she was gone, really gone. Not an ounce of that person is my wife. I finally saw the reality and … and I knew that no baby could survive in there. If he was older, if she’d died when he was twenty-four weeks or even more, then maybe he could have made it.’ Adam began to choke up. ‘But I see now that it’s hopeless. I have to give up on my baby boy. I’ve lost them both. All I have is Izzy.’ His face collapsed, and he sobbed the tears of a broken man. A man who had had his heart ripped ou
t. Rob put an arm around him and cried with him.

  Everyone was crying. Mia stood up and went over to her brother-in-law. ‘You have us and Rob. We’re your family. We’re here for you,’ she said, as she put her arms around him and patted his back.

  ‘Why did God have to take them both?’ Adam wept. ‘One was bad enough, but both of them? It’s just too much.’ He cried into Mia’s shoulder.

  Mia heard the door open and close and open again. ‘Here you go, mate, sit down and have a drink of this,’ Johnny said.

  He led Adam to the couch and helped him sit down, then handed him a glass of whiskey. ‘Drink it. You need it.’ Rob patted his shoulder.

  Adam swallowed it in one. ‘Thanks.’

  Charlie stood up and went over to sit on the arm of the couch. ‘Look, Adam, you’ve had a terrible time. We all have. But if I’ve learned one thing from losing Penny, it’s that you need your family. Don’t push us away. We want to help you. We’ll all help with Izzy. There will be days when you can’t get out of bed for the grief. On those days, call us. We’ll take Izzy to school or mind her for the day. There’ll be days when the pain of loss will bend you double. Let it flood you, don’t fight it. It will pass … and I know this is impossible to believe now, but it will slowly, very slowly, get a bit easier to bear.’

  ‘Thank you, Charlie.’ Adam squeezed his father-in-law’s hand. ‘I really need to cling to that hope because, right now, I can only see and feel pain. Every time I look at Izzy, I want to put my fist through the wall. I’m so angry for her. She deserves to have a mother. She deserves to have Sarah in her life. The person who adored her most in the world is now gone. It’s just not fair. She’ll never see her grow up. I’m so angry for her and for Sarah. She was the best mother.’ Adam began to sob. ‘Who is Izzy going to talk to when she’s a teenager with girl problems?’

  ‘Me.’ Riley stood at the door, carrying a tray laden with some of the uneaten food, coffee and wine. ‘I’ll help her. I’ll talk to her. I’ll have her back. I promise.’

  Adam dabbed his eyes with his soggy tissue. ‘Thanks.’