by Lisa Shelby
Sitting here on the couch in my mom’s place, I feel trapped. Even though I’m not alone, I sure do feel it. Jonathan came back last night after his first visit and he played with Ireland. After bath time, he read her a story. By the time he was finished with her, I was falling asleep out here on the couch. When he found me nearly passed out, he didn’t say a word. He just scooped me up, sat down on the couch and held me in his lap. When he first sat down, he took my chin and tilted my head up so that my eyes met his and he whispered. “I am so sorry, Gracie,” and then he brought his lips to mine and gave me the softest of kisses. I could feel some of my anxiety melt away, just from the warmth of his lips on mine.
He then told me to rest and gently guided my head to his shoulder. My face naturally nuzzled into the crook of his neck. He gave me a kiss on the top of my head and then just held me. The comfort his hold brought me and being surrounded by his smell was all I needed to fall into a deep slumber; a sleep that I hadn’t had in weeks. He held me for hours and I didn’t wake up again until I felt him tucking me into the couch. The apartment was dark, and I could only see the silhouette of him as he stood above me.
“I’ll be back tomorrow, baby. You get some rest and let Mick drive you. Make sure Ireland stays home with your mom, okay?”
“Okay, but Jonathan where are you going?”
“I have to go help Mick and the guys try to figure all this out, baby. I want nothing more than to spend all night with you in my arms, but I won’t be able to rest again until we know what’s going on. Just do what Mick tells you and we’ll do everything we can to get your world back to normal as soon as possible.”
“Okay.”
With that he kissed my forehead and left. Needless to say, it took quite some time to fall back to sleep without his arms around me.
Now I’m sitting where he left me wondering why I haven’t heard from him today. I am so confused. He says I’ll see him today, but I haven’t heard a thing from him. I know he’s been through a lot, and he needs time, but where is he?
I’m shook out of my wallowing when there is a knock on the door, and it scares me half to death. The glass of water that I’ve been holding, but not drinking, spills all over my hand and I get up and curse as I walk to the door and wipe my hand on my pants. Since when have I been a person that is jumpy and scared of everything? I hate what this is doing to me. I am not this person and I refuse to let all of this change me. It is some bullshit that a knock on the door—one I am expecting—scares the ever loving shit out of me. This has to end.
Even though I’m sure it’s Mick, I still check the peep hole and am actually very pleased to see that it’s not Mick. It is one handsome looking man from Georgia holding our bags. If only his face looked a little lighter. He looks like he is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, and I’d do anything to help ease that load for him. The problem is that I am part of the reason for that weight being so heavy. Again, I am a pain in the ass.
I open the door and say, “Hey.”
“Hey,” he says, as we stand in the doorway holding each other’s gaze. After a long moment he says, “Mick wanted me to bring over some of your things.”
He looks exhausted.
“Oh, thanks for that. Come on in.”
The moment the door shuts, Ireland comes running to see who has arrived. The smile that spreads across her face is one so authentic and real that it nearly breaks my heart when she yells, “Jonafon!”. She is just as in love with him as I am.
He drops the bags and squats down so that she can jump into his arms and she wraps her arms around his neck to give him a hug. I notice that her right arm is resting on his stitches, and I reach over and move her arm.
“Baby girl, be careful! Jonathan has a boo-boo and we have to be careful with him.” I then turn my attention to him and catch him watching me.
“How are you doin’, Georgia? I can’t believe I didn’t ask yesterday. Things were so crazy and then I just feel asleep on you. I’m so sorry I didn’t ask.”
“Hey, it’s all good. Don’t worry at all. I am healing just fine except for some headaches here and there. I’m on schedule with my recovery and will be back to work soon.”
“I’m glad you’re doing okay. What are you doing for the headaches?”
“Nothing right now. It’s not too bad though. Please don’t worry. That’s my job anyway; to worry about you two.”
Before I can protest and tell him that I don’t want that to be his job—he really doesn’t need any more stress in his life right now—he tickles Ireland and says, “Don’t tell me it’s not my job, Emily, or Ireland here will get more tickles!”
Ireland screams and laughs at the same time while Jonathan goes in for the tickle and I hold my hands up and say, “Okay, I give up. I won’t say anything. Just don’t tickle the poor princess to death!”
“Princess? Did you say Princess?” Jonathan stops his tickling and gets a very serious look on his face. He puts Ireland on her feet and then takes a bow in front of her and says, “Please forgive me, Princess. I should know better than to tickle the Princess of Happy Valley. Do forgive me?”
She giggles but loves when they play princess and says, “You are forgiven, Sir Jonafon.”
In mock relief, he thanks her for her kindness and gives her the backpack that’s filled with all of the things she requested. She thanks him, but suddenly has no interest in all of the things she had wanted from her room. She takes Jonathan by the hand and pulls him to the couch. He follows her lead and takes a seat. She then proceeds to climb all over him while she chats about school, and how excited she is that next month it will be her turn to bring the class goldfish home for Thanksgiving week. A quick look of puzzlement crosses his face, but is gone almost as fast as it arrived.
On the topic of the class goldfish, the conversation about snack foods begins as he reminds her that fishies are the best snacks ever. She disagrees and says that Teddy Grahams are the best. He agrees that they are in the top five, but that the number one will always be Goldfish. They go on and on like this for what seems like forever, just like they always do. I never thought I would be jealous of my daughter, but in this moment, when I’m feeling so unsure of where things stand between the two of us, I do feel a twinge of jealousy. I hate to feel it, but she is getting all of his attention, and I feel like I am left floundering with all of my emotions about to bubble over.
Finally, I try to come to his rescue, and mine.
“Baby girl, let’s give Jonathan a break. Tell him thank you for bringing our things over for Uncle Mick, but he probably needs to get going now.”
He looks up at me, and I feel the blush flooding my cheeks. I hope that he can’t read my mind, and that he didn’t hear the sharpness that came out in my tone. It wasn’t intentional, but I heard it. I just hope he didn’t.
While they were having the chat of their life, my mom came home and has just walked back into the room when Jonathan stands form the couch and addresses her.
“Hey Cheryl, do you mind if I borrow Emily for a little bit?”
“I don’t mind a bit, Jonathan,” mom replies.
“Is it okay if we leave Ireland with you while we go for a walk?”
“Of course not, you two take your time. Ireland and I are gonna have a little snack and start a movie.”
He turns his attention to me and asks. “Do you mind if I steal you for a little bit?”
Suddenly I feel scared to death but in a totally different way. I can tell he wants to talk, but after he basically just sat here and ignored me I’m wondering what he wants to talk about. I want nothing more than to be alone with him, but I’m afraid to hear what he has to say.
“Sure, let me go grab my coat and we can go for a walk?”
“Sounds good.”
I walk over to Ireland, give her a high-five and tell her to listen to her grandmother. Jonathan is right behind me and helps me slip my hoodie on. Always the gentleman, he opens the door for me.
&nbs
p; The moment we’re outside and the door is shut, he pulls me into a huge hug and he holds me so tight I can barely breathe. After several minutes of holding each other without speaking, he releases me and then cups my face like he always does before a kiss. As I am preparing to feel his lips on mine, he surprises me when he says, “I want nothing more than to kiss you until you can’t breathe, but we need to talk first. I have some things I need to say.”
He lets go of my cheeks, takes me by the hand and we start walking. We don’t say anything for quite some time. He leads us across the street to a little park, and we find a somewhat private picnic table to stop at. We both sit on the top of the table and Jonathan takes my hand in his. We turn to face each other and I give him my full attention. I don’t speak because I can tell this is something that he feels he needs to do, and so I let him guide us through this.
He looks to the side and exhales a big breath before returning his eyes to mine. Even with the uncertainty that is on his face, he is still the most beautiful man I have ever encountered, and I cannot believe I’m fortunate enough to have him in my life. He gives my hand a squeeze and begins.
“Emily, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for pushing you away. I was a mess. Hell, I probably still am, but I thought I was doing what was best for you and Ireland. When I found out that Bob was killed on that call, everything that happened with Matt came rushing back, and with that came all the feelings about not being there for my mom. Bob was yet another person that I let down. Knowing I was going to have to face his wife and look into her eyes knowing that she knew it was my fault that her husband wasn’t here anymore, was more than I could handle. I was drowning in guilt and self-pity. I kept telling myself that I didn’t deserve you in my life, and that if I let you in I clearly wouldn’t be able to take care of you like you deserved to be. I seem to let down everybody I care about.”
I try to step in and speak, but he doesn’t give me the chance before he continues.
“I know I was wrong to push you away without an explanation, but I was a mess. You had finally made all my dreams come true, told me you loved me, and what do I do to thank you? I push you away and then drink myself into oblivion. I told myself that if I truly loved you I would remove myself from your life. I would do anything for you, even if that meant walking away from you. I was wrong. I can’t walk away from you. The thought that I wasn’t with you when you were being terrorized by this scumbag is something I will never forgive myself for. I would give my life for you and Ireland. I hope you know that? I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I know I was wrong. I also know that when I’m without you, I’m miserable. You are it for me, Emily, I just want you. I don’t care about anything else but you and Ireland. I love you so much and I am so sorry.”
By the time he’s done talking he’s no longer looking at me. He’s looking down at our joined hands. I can tell he feels almost worthless over all of this, and it is breaking my heart. It’s my turn to make sure things are clear from my end for a change.
“Are you done?” I say with all the confidence I can muster. His eyes pop up to mine, clearly surprised by my reaction. With a nod of his head he tells me he’s done talking, but he looks a little scared to hear what I have to say.
“Good, it’s my turn now.” I say locking eyes with him. I want to be sure he hears what I have to say. “These last couple of weeks you may have been a mess, but guess what, Jonathan? You’re my mess. Isn’t that what we said? I am yours and you are mine. You are my mess and it’s my job to help you get through the tough times. You have been helping me get through all of this crap going on with me, and it’s my job to do the same for you. You have made me see myself for the very first time, and to realize that I do deserve to be loved and cared for. By you. You have made me trust somebody besides myself for the first time in a very long time, baby. You say you’re a mess but I think you are a kind, amazing, funny mess that makes me and my little girl feel safe, cared for and most of all happy.” With a wink and a careful smile, I add. “You aren’t too bad to look at either.”
I see the first smile I’ve seen since our words of love in the hospital, and I can see some of that weight lift off of his shoulders as I continue.
“Let me be there for you like you’re always there for me. Next time don’t walk away from us. You and me, remember? Life is always going to throw us curve balls, and it will be hard, but you can’t walk away. Honey, what you have been through is more than any one person should have to deal with, but let me help you when you feel it’s all too much. I love you, Jonathan, like I have never loved anybody else. I need to know that you aren’t going to walk away. That is something that I can’t live in fear of. I have always built up my walls to avoid being left because I have always thought that I wasn’t enough. You make me feel like I’m enough, Georgia. We can get through anything as long as we walk through it together. Promise me that if we do this you aren’t going to walk away again.”
I can tell that this isn’t what he was expecting. Was he expecting my rejection? I hate that he really thought I would quit on him or us. I can see in his eyes that he really didn’t expect the words that I have just given him. I see my words slowly sink in and his face starts to relax.
“Gracie, I need to kiss you…now.”
With the words on his lips he leans forward, and in the way he knows I love, he gently strokes his thumb over my cheek. With his big hands engulfing my face, he finally kisses me! He starts gentle, but within seconds the gentle is gone. We are both kissing each other with a fierceness that is unlike anything we’ve experienced before. Without even realizing it, my legs are wrapped around his waist and I am in his lap. After a while we both need to come up for air, and while we gather ourselves he places small kisses on the corners of my mouth, my forehead, my chin, my nose and both cheeks. I have never felt so cherished.
“Baby, I promise you I will never walk away again. I will never hurt you again as long as I live. I don’t know if I am worthy of your love or your forgiveness, but it makes me feel like more of a man than I have ever felt to know that you are giving me both. I love you so damn much, Gracie. I love you so much it scares the shit out of me. I don’t ever want to let go of us.”
“Don’t let go then.”
And there it is…one of those precious dimples pops out and I feel like all is right in the world again.
“I don’t plan on it.”
We sit on our bench and watch the October sun set. We lean on each other like we should have been doing these last couple of weeks.
We continue to talk, and Jonathan says that he finally realizes that he needs to see somebody about losing his mom and Matt, and also about this recent shooting. He plans on making an appointment to talk to somebody in the morning. He also says that he thinks he should apologize to Ireland for being MIA these last couple weeks, but I tell him to stop beating himself up and that she’s four. She knew he had been hurt and was recovering. Although it does mean a lot that he would think to offer this to her, but there is no need to confuse her when she really had no idea that there was anything wrong to begin with.
We finally head back to my mom’s once the moon is shining above us and we get home in time for Ireland’s bedtime routine. We have both agreed that we have to take things slow and not jump right into sleep-overs again. We need to show respect to my mom and then Mick once we’re back at his place. It’s something that I know is important, but it’s hard when all I want is to fall asleep in his arms every night. But knowing he’s out there, that he’s mine, and if all goes well he will never walk away again, is enough for now.
After Ireland is in bed and Jonathan has gone for the night, I finally take the time to unzip the bag that Jonathan brought me from Mick’s. As I unzip the bag, I catch a glimpse of colorful ribbon. I reach in to find that there are several little gift bags with what looks to be a card on the very top. I take the envelope out and it isn’t a card but a handwritten note from Jonathan that says…
Gracie, I
am so sorry that I missed your birthday.
I just want you to know that you are perfect to me.
I know you don’t need a man by your side to make you strong, but I sure hope to have you by my side so you can make me stronger.
You are the smartest person I have ever met.
You have a compassionate heart.
You are independent and capable.
Your smile lights up every room and you make everybody around you feel better just by being in your presence.
You have a grace about you that I cannot explain in words.
You are such a good momma and such a great friend.
You are beautiful inside and out.
You are perfect.
Happy birthday to the most perfect woman I know.
All my love,
Georgia
Once I gather myself and wipe away the tears, I reach into the bag and pull out the first of many gift bags.
Wrapped in plastic, to keep them fresh, is a bouquet of a dozen birthday cake cake pops! They’re put together like a bouquet of flowers with ribbon tying them together. He had to have gone to multiple Starbucks to find all of these. I love it! The next bag has the most beautiful mug with a dragonfly on it. Next is an assortment of every kind of sticky note that you can even imagine. Every shape, size and color. It seems silly, but all of these little things just shows how well he knows me and that he gets me.
There is also a Portland Police Department t-shirt with a note that says he would rather I wear his shirt instead of my brother’s, and that now I have a shirt to alternate with the USMC shirt I ’stole’ from him way back when. He also gifts me a bag of fishies, because everybody needs fishies in their life. It’s kind of adorable that he has adopted Ireland’s name for his favorite snack food.
