by Lisa Shelby
My breath is lost. This beautiful, kind man loves me.
“This time without you has been a misery that I don’t ever want to experience again. Baby, I know that I let you down. I ruined your big night. I know you can’t forget it, but I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me.”
It’s a good thing that I am not allowed to speak because my heart is in my throat once again.
“I know that I’ve used getting drunk as an excuse to deal with my problems. I also know that I should have come to you. Talked to you about things that were bothering me. I should have told you that all I want is to have a family with you and the fact that you don’t want that too hurts. That it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Like you could be with me, but I wasn’t good enough to be the father of your children.”
My eyes fill with tears as I shake my head, and he reaches up and uses his thumb to brush them away.
“Shhh…let me finish.”
I simply nod my submission.
“I realize now that I was projecting my feelings onto you and assuming your reasons for not wanting a family instead of asking you what your reasons really were. We should have talked about it.”
He takes one of my hands and turns it over so his fingers can draw lazy circles in my palm. It’s a motion that I think helps to calm us both. I’ve missed the feel of his skin on mine. The heat that always burns me when we touch has only grown hotter with our time away from each other.
He’s watching his dark skin against my pale skin, and I hope he finds it as beautiful as I do. I have never seen anything that brings me more peace than to see his hands on my body.
He takes another big inhale, and on his exhale, his fingers wrap around my forearm and his thumb has taken the place of his fingers as he gently rubs it up and down my arm.
“I know that I messed everything up, but I hope you haven’t given up on me, baby. I haven’t had a drink since that dreadful night, and I don’t plan on it. I know that I don’t get drunk every time I drink but if there is even the slightest chance that I could hurt you again well…it’s not worth taking the risk. I’ve been going to a therapist, and I’ve realized that I use alcohol to deal with my problems, and I don’t want to be that guy. I also don’t want you to think that I’m only changing for you. I need you to know that I’m doing it for me and because I finally have something worth fighting for. I’ll go as slow as you want but I want you in my life, Cami. I want us. Whatever form that us comes in is what I want. What do you say?”
“I want that too, Liam. So much. I’ve missed you more than you’ll ever know, and I know that with you is where I want to be. I’m really happy to hear that you’re seeing a therapist, and I want you to know that you are more than good enough. If I were to have children, there is no one else that would be worthy enough for the job.”
I’m not sure why I don’t tell him I love him too. He just poured his heart out and told me he loved me more than once. Why am I not saying it back? I know that I want to be with him, but if I’m being honest with myself, I’m still a little scared.
Our server is back and Liam orders crab cakes for starters and then orders me the famous Steak El Gaucho that comes complete with filet mignon, lobster, and asparagus. It’s exactly what I would have ordered for myself. If he’s trying to prove how well he knows me…he’s doing a pretty great job so far.
But I hate to see the continued look of guilt on his face. The pain in his eyes is breaking my heart, and although he clearly messed up, he is not the only one to blame.
“Sweetie, I want you to know that a lot of this is on me too. I know I sometimes act as if I don’t need anyone to take care of me or that I’ve got life figured out and don’t need help from anyone. But the truth is I need you more than I’ve ever needed another person.”
His face stays steadfast just as it has all night, and he doesn’t show me what he’s feeling, so I go on.
“I could tell that things were off after we talked about having children, and I was too scared to face our problems, and I put off starting the conversation too. This isn’t all on you, and I know that if we are going to work you aren’t the only person who needs to change. I’ve always said that I wanted a partner—not some white knight to rescue me, to spend my life with—but I wasn’t much of a partner this time around.”
I make sure I have his attention when I say, “I am sorry for that, Liam. I promise to do better.”
He lifts the back of my hand to his mouth, and I feel his lips for the first time in close to a month. I hate that we’re separated by this table because all I want to do is to kick off my shoes and climb into his lap and feel his strong arms holding me as close as humanly possible to him.
Our crab cakes arrive, and he lets go of my hands. I busy myself with my Bellini. He lifts his glass of water. “Cheers to us, baby. Day by day, minute by minute we’ll get back to where we were meant to be.” He touches his glass to mine. “Now, tell me all about the reaction to the house and when you’re going to stop selling houses and start designing them. I think Holsted Interior Design has a nice ring to it.”
His confidence in me feels amazing, but his toast to us and the way he is moving our night on to happier conversations and not dwelling on the past means everything. I know we’ll talk again, but tonight I just want to be with him and to smile again.
We spend the rest of our delectable dinner catching up. He tells me all about the deal he just closed with a huge real estate firm to build luxury high-rise apartments on the Willamette River and that his house is going up faster than he ever imagined.
I fill him in on my latest home sales and about the offers that have come in since the Avenue of Dreams house debuted. He’s right. I never imagined the offers that would come my way. I’m so overwhelmed, I haven’t accepted any yet. I’ve even been offered a job at a very established and reputable design firm in Seattle. His expression breaks for the first time at the mention of a move to Seattle, but I subtly remind him I don’t want to live anywhere else. I move the subject to Emily, her bedrest, and life in general.
After we finish our Bananas Foster, we head to the front doors of the Benson hotel that is home to El Gaucho, and he hands his ticket to the valet.
I am dreading the end of the night, but I don’t say anything. The rest of the night has gone pretty well, so I’m going to continue to follow his lead and see where it takes us.
The valet delivers his car and as always, Liam holds my door open for me before the valet can do the same thing. I take my seat, and before he shuts the door, he leans in and whispers in my ear. “Nobody gets the door for my girl but me.”
There is no stopping the smile I flash him, and no way he could miss how happy I am. When he sees the effect his words have on me, I hear him say to himself, “Now that’s what I’m talking about,” as he shuts the door. My heart flutters, and seeing him smile like that causes it to somersault. I can’t help but giggle when I repeat his words in my head.
He takes us on a short drive down to the river. As he always seems to, he finds rock star parking in the roundabout by The Harborside. Knowing the drill, I stay put until he comes around the Rover to open my door.
He holds his hand out to me and says, “Are your feet up for a short walk with me in those heels?”
“Yep, I’m good. Thanks for asking first, though.”
He simply nods and offers his hand to help me out. We hold hands on the sidewalk next to the marina that overlooks the water. It’s a warm August night, and neither of us have said a word since we left the car, but it doesn’t feel necessary. We’re here, together, and we’re going to give us another try.
We reach the rails that overlook the marina. I step up to the rail, but he doesn’t join me at my side. Instead he comes up behind me and puts both of his arms around me and presses our bodies together.
Nothing has ever felt more right.
I take in the masculine smell of him. The smell that has haunted my dreams every night while I sleep becaus
e it’s on the clothes he left at my house. The clothes I’ve slept in every night we’ve been apart.
But nothing can replace the way it feels to be held by him.
He feels like home.
My home.
And there is no place I would rather be.
We stand like this for quite some time before he finally says, “Let’s get you home, little lady.”
The moment his arms are no longer around me, I miss him. I miss him, and he is less than a foot away. He takes my hand, and we start the short walk back to the car.
“I don’t want the night to end yet, Liam. I feel like I just got you back, and I’m scared to let you go.”
He lifts our hands and kisses the back of my hand like I love. “Baby, you don’t need to be scared. I’m not going anywhere, but I am going to take things slow. I don’t want to make any more mistakes, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, to prove it to you.”
This man doesn’t seem to realize that my heart is his.
Undeniably his.
But as much as I would love to sleep in his arms tonight, he’s right. We shouldn’t jump right back into things. We need to take our time and get this right.
“Thank you, Liam. I’m glad to hear you say you aren’t going anywhere because I don’t ever want to feel what I’ve felt this past month ever again.”
We stop in front of the car, and I turn to face him so I can hold both of his hands and look into the eyes that I love so much. Eyes that show everything he’s feeling even when he’s trying so hard to school his features. Eyes that are telling me that right now he feels unworthy because he knows that I have been miserable this past month. Seeing his eyes that usually sparkle with mischief not shine at all is intolerable.
I need to make him realize that he is more than enough. More than worthy.
“Hey, don’t look like that,” I say as I cup his face in my hand. “I didn’t say that to hurt you, I said it so you know that our time apart has taught me something.”
“And what’s that?” he says, closing his eyes and leaning his face into my palm, using his hand to hold mine in place. He’s savoring my touch, and I know exactly how he feels. This simple action of him wanting to hold me in place so I don’t stop touching him melts my heart, and I know in this moment I will never love another man like I love Liam Fanua.
“It taught me that I don’t want to live without you. That I am more confident with you by my side and that I need to let you fill that role. I’ve learned that I may be capable of doing things on my own, but I don’t have to, and I don’t want to.”
He slowly opens his eyes and lifts an eyebrow. The corners of his mouth twist into a smile, and he turns that smile into my palm that was holding his face and places a warm kiss in its place as I continue.
“As much as it kills me to admit that we should take things slow…I think you’re right. We need to take our time and make sure we don’t rush things. But, honey, I hope you know that we’re both going to make mistakes again. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. Mistakes will happen. It’s how we deal with them that’s important. It’s how we make it through to the other side that matters. You know that, right?”
He opens my car door for me and says, “Yes, ma’am, and I will do everything in my power to make it through to the other side of those mistakes without adding any additional damage to your heart or mine. I promise you that.”
This man makes me swoon. I always wondered what that word really meant, but since Liam Fanua came into my life, I know exactly what it means. It’s feeling your heart pound in your chest and flutter around in your tummy all at the same time. It’s wanting to sigh out loud when he says things like he just did, and it’s not being able to sleep at night because the thought of him won’t let you.
“But Cami?”
“Yes…” I answer him all a flutter.
“Don’t think I didn’t just hear you admit that I was right.” He pulls out his phone. “I’m putting this momentous occasion in my calendar right now.”
I get in the car and put my seat belt on as he stands on the sidewalk marking the moment in his phone’s calendar. Did I say that he makes me swoon? Well, I should have said he makes me crazy.
Crazy and I love it.
He’s a smart ass, but he’s my smart ass.
“Laugh it up, funny man, and enjoy it while you can. You never know when this might happen again.”
I stick my tongue out at him, and he shuts my door. As he rounds the front of the car, the childlike smile that lights up his face brings me more joy than my heart can take. I love to make this big man happy.
Our conversation on the way home is lighter than the rest of the night has been, and it feels good. We laugh all the way to my place where he walks me to my front door. I take two steps ahead of him and am almost as tall as him when I turn around on the stair. I wrap my arms around his neck and hug him while my fingers play in his short and always perfect hair.
“Thank you for a wonderful night, Liam. I’m really glad you called,” I whisper into his ear.
He pulls me closer. “I’m sorry it took so long,” he whispers.
“You’re here now. That’s all that matters.” I pull back to look at him, but my eyes are drawn to his lips. Lips that are mere inches away. Lips that I want to ravish but…we’re taking this slow.
“Cami, would you mind terribly if I gave you a goodnight kiss?”
Oh boy, when he says we’re going slow he means we’re…going…slow…
I answer him by closing the inches between us and taking the lead for the first time tonight. My hands go to his chest and brace myself there as I lean in and take what I’ve been waiting for all night.
As soon as our lips meet, he takes control once again, and with my face in his hands, he savors each and every second we’re connected in this way. He doesn’t seek entry, and our tongues don’t meet, but this is still the most passionate and meaningful kiss I have ever had. It’s a kiss that says everything we’re feeling without saying a word.
With this kiss, he says he’s sorry. He’s thanking me for giving him another chance. Telling me that he missed me, and most importantly, showing me that he loves me.
Yes, without a doubt this kiss has just taken the top spot on my list of best kisses. I hate that he pulls away. The moment is over. His forehead meets mine, and we stay still for several heartbeats.
“I think you better go inside now. It’s important to me to do this right, and I know what’s about to happen if we don’t call it a night.” He kisses my nose. “Dream of me?”
“Always.”
I turn to my door and let myself in. As I close the door, I see the small smile on his face, and I hope it means he’ll dream of me too.
Chapter 20
Liam
“Shit!”
I am such an idiot. It’s not like this is my first time using a damned wrench.
“You okay?” Cami asks from her spot atop her island counter.
“I’m good. The wrench just slipped and got me in the head. I don’t exactly fit under here.”
“Sorry, I don’t mean to be a pain in the butt. I started to work on it myself, but I knew that I would mess it up if I kept going. I have no idea how to fix a leaky garbage disposal. I guess I should have googled it, and you wouldn’t be down there dropping wrenches on your head. I really do appreciate you coming by to help. A girl can’t live without her garbage disposal, you know.”
“I hope that’s not all you can’t live without. I’d hate to think you’re just using me for my mad plumbing skills.”
“Nah, you’re big and strong and can carry heavy things. I’m using you for that too,” she says, and I can hear the smile in her voice even though I can’t see her face—my favorite face.
I make the last adjustment with my wrench and pull myself out from under the sink. As I stand, I stretch out the soreness that comes with lying in such a cramped space. When I do, I am met with the cutest v
ision of Cami in her Uso Construction baseball shirt, her legs swinging like a little kid on top of the big island counter with her hands tucked under her legs. It goes without saying, she is cute as a button, but not so cute she isn’t still sexy as all get out. Especially, with her in that shirt representing something I love so much.
“Liam!” she exclaims as she hops down from the island and steps up on her toes in front of me, reaching for the spot on my forehead where I dropped the wrench. “Here, let me get something for that.” She reaches for a paper towel and wets it.
“I’m fine, Cam. You don’t need to do anything. It’s no big deal.”
She hops back up onto the counter. “Get over here.”
“Bossy as ever,” I say but I do as instructed.
I step between her legs, and my hands naturally go to her hips. It’s obvious why she jumped back up to her spot on the island. It makes her taller, and when I stand in front of her, she can reach the minuscule scratch on my forehead that much better.
“You wouldn’t want me any other way, Liam Fanua,” she says as she gently dabs at the scratch that I’m pretty certain didn’t need any extra attention, but I’ll take it.
Yes, we talk and text every day, and we have seen each other for lunch, dinner, and even bowling in the last week, but we haven’t taken that next step. We’ve had some small chaste kisses here and there and every time we say goodbye, but that is as far as we’ve taken it. The fact that her stubborn, independent butt called for help—even if it was for her garbage disposal—is a step in the right direction, and standing here while she finds a reason to take care of me isn’t something that I am going to complain about either.
“Truer words have never been spoken, Cami,” I whisper in response.
She kisses my scratch and says, “All better.”
I hate that my reason for coming over here is finished, and I don’t want to leave, so I continue to hold on to her hips, pull her closer so that we’re touching, and lean my forehead against hers.
