by Willy, Silly
Q: What is a ghost's favourite position playing soccer?
A: Ghoul keeper!
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one!
Q: What race is never run?
A: A swimming race!
It's been scientifically proven that too many birthdays can kill you!
Q: What did one flea say to the other?
A: Should we walk or take a dog?
Q: Why do dogs run in circles?
A: Because it is hard to run in squares!
Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
Q: Why doesn't the elephant use a computer?
A: Because it is afraid of the mouse!
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
A: Time to fix the fence!
Q: How does an elephant put his trunk in a crocodile's mouth?
A: VERY carefully!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking.
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, everyone thinks I'm a liar.
I don't believe that!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, when I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I snore so loud I keep myself awake.
Sleep in another room then!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!
When did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one!?
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect spinning around.
Don't worry; it is just a bug that's going around!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a needle.
I see your point!
Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, what did the x-ray of my head show?
Absolutely nothing!
Q: Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
A: Because they would crack each other up!
Q: Why was the maths book sad?
A: Because it had too many problems!
Q: What's the king of the pencil case?
A: The ruler!
Q: Have you heard about the mathematical plant?
A: It has square roots!
Q: Which tables do you not have to learn?
A: Dinner tables!
Q: What is 8.65 x 41 +8.6/72 x 945?
A: A headache!
Q: How do you make one vanish?
A: Add a 'g' to the beginning and it's gone!
Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away her W!
Q: What do witches race on?
A: Vroom-sticks!
Q: What is the problem with twin witches?
A: You never know which witch is which!
Q: What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?
A: Broom-mates!
Q: What does it mean if you find a horseshoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
Q: What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
A: One goes quick and the other goes quack!
Q: What's a horse's favourite sport?
A: Stable tennis!
Today I gave my dead batteries away....Free of charge.
Q: What do you call a horse that lives next door?
A: A neighhhhh-bour.
Q: Where do horses go when they're sick?
A: The horse-pital.
Q: There were four cats in a boat, one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None. They were all copy cats!
Q: What is a cat's favourite colour?
A: Purrr-ple!
Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling?
A: Alley cats!
Q: Why do cats make terrible story tellers?
A: They only have one tail.
Q: What's a crocodile's favourite game?
A: Snap!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp!
Q: What's small, furry and bright purple?
A: A koala holding its breath!
Q: Why do mother kangaroo dislike bad weather?
A: Their joeys have to play inside!
Q: How do you make seven an even number?
A: Take the s out!
Q: What do you do if your dog chews your dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!
Q: What do you call a thieving alligator?
A: A crook-odile!
Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A: A watch dog!
Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A: A lawn moo-er!
Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lilly!
Q: How does a dog stop a video?
A: He presses the paws button!
Q: What is the snake’s favorite subject?
A: Hiss-story!
Q: Why does a dog wag its tail?
A: Because no one else will wag it for him!
Q: How do you make a goldfish old?
A: Take away the g!
Q: Why did the lamb cross the road?
A: To get to the baaaaarber shop!
Q: How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
A: Squeaky clean!
Q: What has four legs and goes “Oom, Oom”?
A: A cow walking backwards!
Q: What does a cat say when somebody steps on its tail?
A: Me-OW!
Q: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!
Q: What do you call a cow in a tornado?
A: A milkshake!
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No I deer!
Q: What do you call an exploding monkey?
A: A baboom!
Q: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A: Stuck!
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
Q: How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?
A: Put him in the front seat!
Q: What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A: A car only has one horn!
Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don’t work!
Q: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
A: Take away his shovel!
Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Mooooooove over!
Q: What kind of cat should you never play games with?
A: A cheetah!
Q: What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
A: The banana split!
Q: What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
A: Anything you like, he can’t hear you!
Q: What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
A: With a cow-culator!
Q: What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
A: As far away as possible!
Q: What
fish only swims at night?
A: Starfish!
Q: Why did the elephant leave the circus?
A: He was tired of working for peanuts!
Customer: “Do you have alligator shoes?”
Store person: “Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?”
Q: Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
A: Catfish!
Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A: A phew!
Q: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
A: Plug its nose!
Q: What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?
A: Sir!
Q: What do fish take to stay healthy?
A: Vitamin sea!
Q: What do you call a mad elephant?
A: An earthquake!
Q: Where do baby apes sleep?
A: In apricots!
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?
A: Time to get a new bed!
Q: Where does a ten ton elephant sit?
A: Anywhere it wants to!
Q: Where are sharks from?
A: Finland!
Q: What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?
A: A coat of arms!
Q: What does a calf become after its 1 year old?
A: 2 years old!
Q: Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
A: Because his feet stink!
Q: What’s a dog’s favorite food for breakfast?
A: Pooched eggs!
Q: What do you give a pig with a rash?
A: Oinkment!
Q: What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?
A: Use a pen!
Q: What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?
A: A computer mouse!
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: The chicken wasn’t around yet!
Q: What do you call snake with no clothes on?
A: Ssss-naked!
Q: Where do cows go on Saturday night?
A: To the mooooooovies!
Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: A try and try and try-ceratops!
Q: What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?
A: A kitten!
Q: What’s a puppy’s favorite kind of pizza?
A: Pup-peroni!
Q: What do camels use to hide themselves?
A: Camel-flauge!
Q: What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A: Is that you Mummy?
Q: What is a frog’s favorite year?
A: A leap Year!
Q: Why do pandas like old movies?
A: Because they are black and white!
Q: How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?
A: I don’t know. I didn’t think sheep could knit!
Q: What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?
A: A dino-sore!
Q: When should you buy a bird?
A: When it’s going cheep!
Q: Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?
A: Because he was caught tweeting on a test!
Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweet-ment.
Q: How do chickens get strong?
A: Egg-cersize.
Q: What robs you while you’re in the bathtub?
A: A robber ducky.
Q: What do you call a sad bird?
A: A bluebird!
Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
A: Fsh.
Q: What kind of math do Owls like?
A: Owl-gebra!
Q: Why wouldn’t they let the butterfly into the dance?
A: Because it was a mothball!
Q: Who comes to a picnic but is never invited?
A: Ants!
Q: What letter can hurt you if it gets too close?
A: Bee!
Q: Why are A’s like flowers?
A: Because bee’s come after them!
Q: What do you call a fly without wings?
A: A walk.
Q: Why was the ant so confused?
A: Because all his uncles were “ants”!
Q: What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?
A: A centipede on its back!
Q: What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?
A: French Flies!
I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
Q: What goes 99 thump, 99 thump, 99 thump?
A: A centipede with a wooden leg!
Q: What’s worse than a worm in your apple?
A: Half a worm!
Q: What do you get when you cross a ghost and a cat?
A: A scaredy cat!
Q: What do you get when you cross a fish with an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks!
Q: What do you get when you cross a lemon and a cat?
A: A sourpuss!
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and an elephant?
A: Big holes all over Australia!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a witch?
A: I don’t know but she will need a very large broom!
Q: What do you get when you cross a fly, a car, and a dog?
A: A flying car-pet!
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a snake?
A: A jump rope!
Q: What do you get when you cross a porcupine and a turtle?
A: A slowpoke!
Q: Why did the sun go to school?
A: To get brighter!
Q: How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?
A: When it’s full!
Q: Why don’t monsters eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!
Q: What is an astronaut’s favorite key on the keyboard?
A: The space bar!
Q: What did the alien say to the cat?
A: Take me to your litter!
Q: What do you call a crazy spaceman?
A: An astro-nut!
Q: Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?
A: Because there was no atmosphere!
Q: Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
A: A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary!
Q: How do you make a fire with two sticks?
A: Make sure one is a match!
Q: Why can’t you say a joke while standing on ice?
A: Because it might crack up!
Q: What is at the end of everything?
A: The letter G!
Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
