The Reinvented Miss Bluebeard

by Minda Webber

  Dr. Sigmund gave a brisk nod, quite used to the homage of the masses.

  "Please don't keep me in suspense. Have you read my books also, Dr. Griffin?" Dr. Crane asked, eyeing her delectable décolleté.

  Of course I have, Eve thought smugly, keeping her face a mask of polite interest. To know one's enemy had been a lesson drummed into her at an early age by her father, along with the "Be Prepared" pirate motto. Although these men weren't exactly enemies, they were at least opponents. They held the purse strings to the foundation's coins. Coins she desperately needed to help with her work.

  "I have, and I was quite impressed with your work on the lineage of the weredodo, citing that constant inbreeding has caused these werebirds to have more feathers than wit."

  Ruefully, Dr. Crane shook his head. "Sad but true. In-breeding has left them with madness, bird-wittedness, and an unfortunate few live births. I imagine we will see the extinction of the weredodo before the twentieth century comes to pass. So sad, the loss of any of my feathered friends."

  The conversation progressed into the myriad difficulties faced by wereshifters who were birds, and Eve soon heard the dinner bell tinkle, announcing that the food was ready to be served. As she was about to suggest that they all go into the dining room, the blue salon's doors slammed open against the wall. Dr. Sigmund jumped a little, and Count Caligari sneered.

  "Did you ring?" Teeter asked the room at large. "Heavens! Has Hugo escaped again?"

  Trying to hide the blush starting up her neck, Eve shook her head. "It was the dinner bell, Teeter!" Repressing the urge to add, You old fool, she gave him a look that promised dire retribution later. She should really sack him, but he was good with patients, and nobody was a better gardener than his cousin. And wherever Teeter went, so, regrettably, did Totter, since the two had been raised like brothers by their grandfather.

  "Dinner. Shall we retire to the dining hall?"

  "Jolly good, I'm quite famished," Dr. Crane said calmly. Noting Eve's dismay, he added, "Pray drop your distress, my dear. My own butler is dreadfully correct. Of course, my stable master is a horror—refuses to clean the eaves in the barn half the time. Eaves, where I love to roost on eves of the full moon. I detest messy nests," he groused. "I seriously doubt anyone's home runs like clockwork these days. And as your husband is absent, I'm quite sure you are struggling to stay afloat without him. You must miss a man around the old asylum."

  Eve appreciated his helping relieve an awkward situation, yet wanted to kick him in the shins for the remark about her husband. "How polite you are to relieve my feminine sensibilities!" she said. At the same time she was thinking that tomorrow she would lock Teeter in his room for a month with only bread and water. No, that was too nice. She'd lock him the bell tower with Hugo. Her smile widened.

  Extending his arm, Dr. Crane asked, "Well, my little dove, shall I escort you to dinner?"

  Taking his arm, she nodded. The two of them chatted about the asylum as they led the other guests, following Eve's butler, who lurched into the dining room.

  Once they were seated, it wasn't long before the guests' previously stilted conversation became highly entertaining. Eve was greatly relieved as the doctors discussed various treatments and lamented certain patients. Mesmer's hypnosis therapy was discussed and dissected, a subject she particularly found fascinating.

  Her guests appeared to be enjoying themselves, Eve decided happily. The doctors' wives were rather quiet, but the food was excellent, in spite of the burned bits, and the conversation was riveting. The seas were smooth sailing, with no skulls and crossbones looming ugly on the horizon—with the exception of the soused butler, who continued to totter about the room, his eyes slightly glazed. Eve's mood lightened, and her blue eyes sparkled.

  After the way the day began, Eve had quite feared for the night, but it appeared that her fears were unfounded and she could relax; the ill winds had receded from her sails. If the rest of the night went as well, she would be content. Providing no new disaster arrived, she just might receive some of the funding she needed.

  A strong masculine voice suddenly interrupted the conversation. "Hello, my darling Eve."

  Eve choked a little on her wine. Hastily she set her glass down and glanced up in surprise. Who was this man, and what was he doing at her dinner party uninvited? And how had he known her name? Appalled, and yet at the same time intrigued, she assessed the fine specimen standing just inside the doorway to the dining room.

  The room, lit by a dozen or so candelabra, softened the handsome, swarthy face, with its strong chin and patrician nose. The man was dressed in a deep green superfine jacket that outlined his broad shoulders, and his doeskin breeches were tucked into gleaming Hessians and emphasized his taut leg muscles. Although this was not a tall man, perhaps just under six feet, he was well built, with hair the color of polished walnut wood, and his hazel eyes were a mixture of colors, mostly amber. He reminded her of one of her father's pirates, but better dressed.

  He opened his mouth to speak, and Eve's interest was doused like a fire by water: "My dearest, how good it is to see you again! I could barely wait to reach the Towers and see my devoted wife."

  A dreadful silence filled the shadowy room, and Eve's stomach clenched in preparation for a disaster of epic proportions. Her ill winds had turned into a hurricane.

  Chapter Five

  High Anxiety Is a Lying Impostor

  His wife? Eve was flabbergasted. Once she was through being flabbergasted, she was flabbergasted some more. His words were galling, appalling, and preposterously absurd. Suddenly Eve was faced with a wild sense of disbelief mixed with rage. Her senses reeling, she couldn't help but silently ask what in the bloody hell this madman meant. She was no one's wife. Eve's world shrank until she thought she would faint. A madman had invaded her very important party and invented a Banbury tale of biblical proportions.

  She swallowed hard past the lump in her throat. A raving lunatic was loose in her house, among her elite guests. A raving lunatic who didn't live here. She growled in indignation. "Just who do you—" The presumptuous impostor cut off her words, gliding closer like a predator on the prowl. He stopped beside her with a piratic grin, covetous, condescending, and cocky. "My sweet, sweet wife. How I've missed you." Lifting her hand, he leaned over to press a swift, hot kiss upon her palm.

  At first she was too stunned to protest, and then she discovered that his lips were searing and soft—very, very soft. She blinked twice, but the blasted man still appeared a handsome rogue. He moved with the grace of a dancer, and there was deadly power in his movements. Luckily, life in a lunatic asylum had taught her to roll with the punches, just as life on a pirate ship had taught her to keep her balance on a pitching ship. If she screamed foul, then a great scandal would end her party and she would be the talk of the ton. She couldn't explain that this wasn't her husband because she'd never had a husband in the first place; that little admission would be a typhoon of major proportions. She would lose all respectability. Her opportunity to help others would be obliterated, and she would probably lose control of her asylum.

  A long moment of indecision passed while Eve ran through her options, all while her guests were quietly conversing and watching the deranged drama unfold. No, Eve couldn't hang this intruder from a yardarm, because she had no yardarm. He also couldn't be shot in her dining hall, not without the guests all going agog.

  As Eve was busily thinking, Adam Griffin was appreciating the fine view. The sight of her in all her furious glory actually momentarily mesmerized him. For as long as he lived, Adam knew he would never forget his very first sight of Eve Bluebeard. She was magnificent. Her deep amber-hued gown clearly delineated the supple lines of her body. Her hair, dressed in a psyche knot, was glimmering in the candle light which revealed a myriad of hues of red, brown, and gold. At her neck she wore a three-strand necklace interspersed with emeralds and topaz. Her face was remarkably lovely, even with its current worried expression. With reluctance, he released h
er wrist.

  Eve snapped her hand back out of reach, deep in thought. Her mind had always been an agile thing, as fleet as a ship with a brisk north wind. Yet, tonight she had been broadsided, hit by a large ship and unable to quite find her bearings. Nearby, she could feel the heat of his body as he held her hand. How dared this mad, pirate-looking man kiss her hand?

  Forgetting her guests in a momentary fit of rage common to Bluebeards, and unheeding of the scene sure to cause tongues to wag, Eve raised her hand. She wanted to slap the man's grinning face, remove his expression that seemed to dare her to protest his inappropriate actions.

  Surprisingly, she found herself being outmaneuvered. The stranger pulled her agilely up and to his side, like in a choreographed dance, and addressed the room in general. "My apologies, but I have lately arrived from Transylvania and haven't seen my wife in some great time."

  Slipping closer toward the idiot standing boldly beside her, she stood up on tiptoe to whisper fiercely in his ear, "You're a lunatic." She intended to foil his pretensions immediately. No more wrist kissing.

  "No, I'm not," he whispered back provocatively. He knew a reprimand when he heard one, and he knew, smart man that he was, that he had many more coming his way. He relished the challenge.

  "That's what all lunatics say."

  "Then I must be in the right place." He smiled wickedly at her, then turned back to the room. "Forgive me. My name is Dr. Adam Griffin, and you are… ?" Dr. Crane was glaring at him, looking very much as if he had eaten crow, rather than the tasty bit of Barcelona hen he had just consumed.

  "You…" Eve began softly, not wanting her very important guests to realize that something was wrong in the house of Bluebeard. She made the introductions in a somber tone. The interfering impostor who was standing by her side listened to the introductions of the esteemed assemblage, bowing slightly. Still in shock, Eve's mind again refused to cooperate, its usual razor-sharp edge dulled. Who was this cunning charlatan, and how had he gotten here?

  "Are you having an identity crisis?" Eve whispered, halted by more introductions and her mind's inability to absorb this absurd Shakespearean farce. "You aren't—"

  "Yes, I know darling, you missed me terribly, as I did you," the fraudulent fiend interrupted. He held up his hand to protest her protestations.

  She glared at him, hissing, "Blast it! That wasn't what I was going to say. You deserve a bloody good thrashing. Just wait till my guests leave!"

  Clearly undaunted by her fierce mutterings, he leaned down to whisper in her ear, "That's no way to speak to your long-lost husband. Do you want your guests to think you're a shrew, darling? Do you want me to tell them about the marriage ceremony in Vienna that never was? Do you want to deny me, and force me to explain who Adam Griffin really isn't? I'm afraid, my dear, your charade is at an end. Mine begins."

  "It's my charade, and you have no right to steal it," Eve hissed. "Besides, having a husband is the last thing on my mind." Somehow she managed to keep smiling politely.

  Looking to lash out, Eve stepped on the impostor's boot-clad foot. The result was negligible, since slippers with tiny rosebuds sewn on the top just didn't have the same painful impact as her old pirate boots.

  He merely grinned at her feeble attempt, noting her narrowed mouth with perverse satisfaction, and replied, "I didn't steal your fantasy; I just stole into it. The perfect dream lover comes to life. Many women would envy you."

  "I was right. You are utterly mad."

  Ignoring her hiss, the man turned toward Teeter. "Teeter, I'm dashed hungry. Set me a plate, please."

  "Delighted to serve you again, sir."

  Serve him again? Teeter had never met this sly schemer. Stupid drunken ogrish butler, Eve thought, shooting the servant a look of pure annoyance.

  Glancing at the wine bottles on the cabinet, Adam said, "I'd really prefer a glass of port with my meal. And if your guests will excuse it, I should like to remain dressed as I am."

  Dr. Sigmund agreed wholeheartedly—not unexpectedly, since trolls weren't much for dressing up. "Never did like to stand on formality, Dr. Griffin. You've had a long trip and you're hungry." Dr. Sigmund's wife demurred as well, as did Countess Caligari.

  Before Eve could voice a complaint, her inebriated butler, beaming moronically, walked to the door to the left of the large china cabinet. Unfortunately, this door led only to the small informal dining room, and not where he needed to go.

  "Ahem. Teeter, I do believe the wine cellar door is located near the kitchen," Adam said.

  Teeter looked confused.

  "I do believe the kitchen door is the one over there," the stranger who was absolutely not Eve's husband continued, pointing. Eve's jaw tightened in disbelief.

  Teeter bowed slightly to Adam. "Of course, sir. Be right…" Then he hiccupped and found the correct exit. With starched politeness he said, "Be right back with your port."

  With his ham-sized fist, Teeter threw open the door, causing it to slam with its usual force against the dining room wall. Then, turning crookedly in the doorway, he added with an attempt at pomp, "May I be the fi—hic—rst to say that we are p-proud to have you home, sir. Dr. Eve has mis—hic—sed you something fierce."

  Eve's eyes widened, and she found herself being seated back in her place at the table. She was dumbfounded, her mind whirling. How did this rogue know where the kitchen door was, as well as her wine cellar? This was beyond strange, and heading into the totally bizarre, which most likely meant that her infernally interfering father was involved. She would bet a treasure chest of jewels on it. She was going to keelhaul her father and boil this heinous not-husband in oil. How dared either of them trap her like this?

  "Carpe diem," she mumbled. But first she had to seize the tricksters.

  Seating himself, her husband leaned over to whisper in her ear, "Seize the day. I believe Virgil said it best—fortune to the bold." When she remained stubbornly silent, deliberately ignoring his presence, he added outrageously, "Oh, my sweet, we're in agreement! This bodes well for our future, don't you think? How fortunate we are that great minds think alike."

  Glaring at the seductive stranger now seated next to her, she said in a softly menacing voice, "I'll feed you to the fishes, make you walk the plank!"

  "The only plank I'm walking is one that leads to your bed," he replied, hiding his grin behind a napkin.

  Teeter suddenly appeared, wearing a similar smirk. "I took the liberty of bringing you the port from Provence."

  "Thank you, Teeter," said Adam. "You always know just what I want and when I want it. Remarkable quality in good help."

  The butler sighed, his squinty eyes tearing up. "And young love is a fine sight to behold."

  Eve stared at both men as if they'd grown four heads. Her butler hadn't met this conniver before tonight; how could he? Serve him just what he wants? Ha! She'd serve his liver to the eels!

  "Transylvania? It must be lovely this time of year. All that snow," Dr. Crane spoke up.

  "Of course," Adam agreed, addressing the whole table. "But I must say that I am glad to be in England again with my beautiful wife. I hate to admit it, but I had almost forgotten what Eve looked like." Turning back to her, he smirked. "You were just a portrait before I came here tonight. And I must say, I'm quite impressed. Also with what you've done with the Towers. Quite the thing, you know." Turning to the others, he added playfully, though with a most sincere expression, "What else is a good wife for but to run the asylum?"

  Dr. Sigmund concurred, and his own dear wife gave him a speaking glance.

  With lightning reflexes, like a participant in a fast country dance, Adam switched his attention back to Eve. "Have you missed me more than I missed you, or vice versa, I wonder? I will be bold and say I missed you more."

  Her eyes hard, Eve maintained an insincere smile. "How could I miss you when you're always in my mind?"

  "How romantic." Countess Caligari sighed, then looked at her fat, balding husband with mild disgust.

&n
bsp; "And Adam Griffin is a man of many faces," Eve continued. Then, in a whispered aside to the impostor: "And all of them are scheming and crooked."

  "Temper, temper," he replied in her ear, pretending a kiss. "What would the good doctors think? How would polite society feel about you lying all these years? How would your patients feel to know that their doctor had been telling tall tales, falsifying a marriage, and lying through her pretty white teeth?"

  Honesty was paramount in building trust. Measuring her opponent's size and mettle, Eve revised her earlier punishment. Walking the plank over shark-infested waters would be too good for him.

  "The plate, Teeter," Adam reminded the servant, lifting an aristocratic brow at the butler, who was leaning heavily against the buffet. "I find I am rather hungry after my long and difficult journey back to my bride."

  Eve had just decided nastily that perhaps a little revenge could be served hot, lifting her foot to give the odious man a kick, when her guests' gasps made her switch her attention. Teeter was attempting to make a half bow. Swaying once or twice, the butler's big frame threatened to topple over. He said, "I shall get your plate, Dr. Griffin, as soon as the room stops spinning."

  Eve held her breath for the umpteenth time on this horrid, horrid night. The big souse was going to land straight on the table by the stewed prunes!

  Eve managed to remain seated, though she wanted to howl in misery. How had her life become this farce? In one fell swoop, she had found that she had a traitor for a father, a drunk for a butler, and a liar for a husband who was probably also a confidence man, scheming his way into women's lives and robbing them blind.