My Forbidden Desire

by Carolyn Jewel

  His eyes narrowed, but they remained neon blue. “You don’t have any idea what would happen to you if you did it with someone like me—and I don’t, either.” He draped a hand over his raised knee. His fingers were long and slender. “You think that talisman came back to you because the laws of physics just decided to take a vacation? You pulled, Alexandrine. Magic. And it worked for you. Considering that when I come, I won’t be thinking of protecting myself from you… Well, there’s only one way I’m doing a witch.”

  “Oh.” She studied his face. He was serious. And what’s more, she realized, he wasn’t saying no, was he? He was setting out parameters that worked for him. “What way is that?”

  “If I’m in complete control.”

  She tried to make sense of that. Some fun images popped into her head, which meant that couldn’t be what he was talking about. “I assume you don’t mean tying me up.”

  Xia released her hand. “What the hell have we been talking about all this time? Fuck, Alexandrine, you’re not an idiot. I mean in control.” He tapped his index finger on her forehead. The contact zinged through her. “Totally and completely in control of you and your magic.”

  “You can do that?” She’d read about it, of course. Talked about it with others like her who were trying to learn on their own and sift out the lies from the truth in what they’d heard or read. But she’d never believed it could be done. Hell, she hadn’t believed magehelds existed, let alone that there were free beings like him.

  He rocked forward, pressing his fists into the mattress until she ended up on her back with him stretched over her. Her reaction to him went from zero to completely turned on in the time it took her to inhale. He slid a hand under her chin and pressed a finger just under the edge of her jaw. “Baby,” he said in a low voice, “you’d be amazed what I can do.” His gaze burned into her, gorgeous neon blue. And his mouth. Wow. So incredibly kissable. “Want a sample?”

  She put her arms around his shoulders. Lord have mercy. The man was nothing but muscle and warm skin. “Maybe.”

  “Yes or no?” He settled his pelvis against hers, and his voice was all low and spicy dark, and that was just so unfair. “I need permission for this.”

  “Fine, then.” She arched up, feeling his erection. All of her—mind and body—longed for that. “Yes.”

  He touched her forehead again, and this time the tap became a hum and then a sense of pressure on her skull, and then he was in her head. Really and truly there, and it wasn’t what she’d anticipated. This was different from before. She was suffocating, panicking, because she existed in one tiny corner of her mind and no more.

  Xia had the opposite reaction. “Alexandrine,” he whispered. His eyes cycled through a million shades of blue, ending with white irises with the faintest of blue streaks in them. “That’s good. You feel so good.”

  He lowered his pelvis to hers again, and though she knew her body was aroused, Xia had control of her reactions. As he eased up, she was more at home in herself. Yet not alone. If she could act on what she was feeling, it was only because he allowed it. The thing was, he liked it; that was obvious. He liked being in control, and she wasn’t comfortable knowing he could make her do anything at all without her deciding to go along. Anything. He withdrew his psychic presence from her, and she fell back, shuddering with the aftereffect.

  “Oh, my God,” she said. He went in for a kiss, and this time it was her putting up her hands to stop things. “No, that’s…” No way. No way could she take even five minutes of that. “I don’t… I can’t.”

  He moved away. “Let me know when you’re ready to do it like that, and I’ll risk Harsh killing me for daring to lay a hand on you.”

  “Why?” She sat up. Her arms trembled, and she tried to cover it by wrapping them around her raised knees. “Why would it have to be like that?”

  One corner of his mouth curled. “I’m never letting a witch get that close to me ever again. Never.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t care how fucking turned on I get. If you want us to do this, it’s on those terms or not at all.”

  She rolled off the bed on legs that hardly held her upright.

  “I thought so,” he said under his breath.

  Her heart shrank. “I’m sorry, Xia. Really sorry.”

  Chapter 10

  It was Friday now, if Xia had the calendar right. He didn’t follow human time unless he had to, so he wasn’t always sure what day it was. He lay on the couch staring at the ceiling, his feet hanging off the opposite end while he tried to center himself. None of Alexandrine’s furniture accommodated a six-and-a-half-foot man, so he wasn’t very comfortable. What a fucked-up week this was so far. Ever since the fighting ended—for now—all he thought about was getting Alexandrine underneath him again with him in her head and her magic wide open to him, and him doing her hard while she begged for more. Not a fantasy likely to come true.

  About eight in the morning, he heard her on the phone, calling in sick to work. She made another call after that, but by then he was in the kitchen, looking for something to eat and really trying not to listen. There wasn’t any food that he could find. Seriously. Total food haul: one can of butter beans, a dusty box of rice, and two shriveled carrots. That was it, and in his human form, he needed to eat now and again.

  By one o’clock, Xia was starving and out of ways to keep his mind off last night’s near disaster with the witch. Hunger only added to his unpredictable psychic and physical state. Since Alexandrine wasn’t going in to work, there wasn’t any way he could get a quick bite, and he couldn’t leave her alone while he went shopping. He didn’t hear her in the shower until one-thirty, and when she was done, she went straight back to her room. By two, he was ready to lick glue off the walls. He thought about calling Iskander or even Kynan to get a connection going, because he was just not in a good state of mind for dealing with Harsh’s sister.

  A hour of Dropkick Murphy at full blast didn’t help much. He kept thinking about helping Alexandrine get naked and how he’d slip into her head and get them both extra juiced before they did it. His stomach rumbled. He turned off his iPod and tuned the television to a channel showing Cops. His favorite show. Damn, but he needed a drink, only he knew from looking that her fridge was a total stranger to beer. There wasn’t so much as a bottle of wine. How the hell did anyone living two hours from the wine country not have even one bottle of wine in the house?

  He needed to relax and stay on his game. He needed to stop thinking about having sex with a witch and start thinking about how he was going to keep her alive when he didn’t have any of the kin around to help him recharge or bring him down off his high from last night’s business. He grabbed his bag and rummaged through it until he found a custom-folded envelope of glossy white paper small enough to fit on his palm. He was unfolding it when Alexandrine came out of her room.

  “Is that Cops?” she said, all perky and shit.

  “Uh-huh.”

  She had on jeans, a ratty blue sweatshirt, and no shoes. Her hair was styled away from her face, but a few platinum strands dangled down her forehead. Despite the banging-around clothes and untidy hair, she managed to look blistering hot. She’d never let him lay a hand on her again, and even if he did get lucky that way, like maybe if she lost her mind or had some kind of temporary amnesia that also turned her into a nympho, she’d recover and Harsh would cut his balls off. He wasn’t getting laid anytime soon.

  “I love Cops.” She came close enough to see him and stopped dead. Her gaze focused on his hand. Specifically, on the envelope there. He should have known a witch would react this way. Her expression went blank. “No drugs in my house,” she said.

  “I noticed that.” He kept unfolding the paper. He wasn’t in a great mood, and now he was face-to-face with the witch who was cranking him. “No alcohol, either.”

  “Absolutely not, Xia.” He got a shot of magic from her that sent his heart racing. But she sputtered out pretty quickly. Hell, she faded
so fast he didn’t even need to pull to make sure he stayed safe. “Not here.” Her voice was low and intense. “Not around me. And not in my house.”

  Her magic rippled the hair across the back of his neck. The way she looked, you’d think he’d just told her he ate babies for breakfast and was about to truss one up and slather on some butter right now. “It’s not cocaine, if that’s what your deal is.”

  She crossed her arms over her stomach like it hurt. “What is it?”

  “Nothing you need to care about.” If she was pretending not to know, he’d find out pretty quick.

  “I do care. This is my house,” she said. The way she kept her voice so freaking calm bugged the hell out of him. Just like her brother. Ms. Calm and Rational. “There’s no drugs here. Ever.”

  “It’s not a drug.” He kept the paper creased and shook three dime-sized yellow triangles onto his palm. “Not that kind of drug, anyway.”

  She sat on one end of her sissy black velvet couch with one leg curled under her and one foot touching the floor. Tapping her toe on the hardwood. He crowded her on the sofa. He could tell she didn’t like him being so close to her; witches never did want anyone to get close when they weren’t sure they had the mojo to control someone like him. He ought to know. He was an expert in that department.

  “Stop staring at me,” he said.

  “Is that hashish?”

  Gave him the creeps the way she sounded so serious and shit. Well eff that. He didn’t have to do what a witch told him to. Not anymore. Not ever again.

  “It looks like hashish to me.”

  “I told you, it’s not a drug.” That wasn’t exactly true. She grabbed his wrist just as he was about to take the first pill. The contact burned. If she felt it, she didn’t show it. He pulled but kept his magic on tap. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he said. All along his back, his skin rippled. His dick got hard, too. “You keep touching me, and you might just end up with me inside you.”

  She didn’t let go of his wrist, and now he was getting tingles up his arm as a result. Her gaze was so intense that his skin itched from the base of his spine to his head. No way was she stable. The problem was, he was quickly reaching a point of instability himself.

  “Baby,” he whispered, and he didn’t think he sounded entirely nice. “I want it bad. You ready for that with me?”

  She let go of him, but his case of the hots didn’t diminish nearly enough. “In case I didn’t mention it last night, I was pretty messed up for a while.”

  “I remember.” He plucked one of the pills from his palm and held it up, watching for signs that she knew what it was. “It’s copa.”

  “Copa.” Her mouth moved as if she were tasting the word. She looked relieved by the strangeness of it. “Never heard of it.”

  “You sure about that?” He needed to get himself relaxed, or he was going to find himself on a high ledge with no way down. He didn’t exactly have a record of making the best choices when he was at the edge.

  “I saw drugs every day of my life back then.” The tip of her tongue did a rapid swipe along her lower lip. “Coke. Meth. Dope. All the pills you can think of. You name it, I saw people killing themselves with it.”

  He put back the pills and stared at her. “You use, too?” He grabbed her arm and turned her palm faceup. She didn’t stop him from pushing up her sleeve. “No scars.”

  Her eyes stayed on his face. “Wanna check between my toes, too?”

  “You weren’t a junkie. No way were you a junkie.”

  Alexandrine pulled both legs underneath her and kept her gaze on her lap. “No. Not a junkie the way you mean.” More unfocused magic bubbled up from her. He was sure she didn’t know she was pulling, but he was getting a buzz on from her all the same. If she did know, then she didn’t know what to do about it. Lucky for them, he did. “But I was headed for serious trouble.” She shrugged. “Practically a given when you live like that. My friend Maddy found me and introduced me to other mages. Mages like me, I mean, and I got myself straightened out.”

  Xia turned on the couch to face her. He tried to imagine her as one of those magekind kids on the streets, throwaways manifesting without any guidance and ending up prime bait for kin who couldn’t control themselves or for mages who wanted to pull out what magic was left. He’d been sent after a few in his day. Some dirty, drugged-up teen abandoned by his own kind for not measuring up or just some street mage unable to deal with the magic. If she’d slapped him, he couldn’t have been more shocked. “For real?”

  “What you decide to put in your body is your business, Xia, but please.” She left her sleeve up when he released her. “I would really, really appreciate it if you didn’t use in my house.” She licked her lips, and Xia got some really disturbing images about what he’d like her to do to him. “I can’t be around that.” She met his gaze straight on. “I don’t want to be around that. Not anymore.”

  “Does Harsh know what you were like then?”

  “He wasn’t around.” She tugged on her hair and wrapped white-blond strands around a finger. “I thought he was dead. So, Xia, if you’re going to use, you have to leave. I think even Harsh would back me up on that.”

  He unfolded the envelope again and stared at the pills. He knew he could be a jerk. Hell, he managed to piss off his kin often enough. But there was another hole in the wall of hatred he had for Alexandrine that hadn’t been there two minutes ago. Resisting that kind of life. He was almost in awe, as a matter of fact. He shuddered a little at the knowledge that any of those times Rasmus had sent him out for some fucked-up, immature mage, he could have snatched her just as easily as any of the ones he’d actually brought back. “More information for you, okay?” he said. He hoped he wasn’t making a mistake telling her this. But, shit, he really needed something to take his mind off all the things he wanted to do with and to Alexandrine Marit.

  “All right.”

  “The kin…”

  She looked blankly at him.

  “Fiends, okay? Demons if you want to be lazy about it. People like me. We need to connect with each other.” He touched his temple. “Psychically. If we don’t or if we can’t, things get rough on us. It’s harder to focus and stay controlled. Harder to do everything, and sooner or later everything just… hurts.” He met her eyes. He needed her to understand what was going on with him. “There’s a cost for me staying in human form. And for damn sure I’m paying for being around your magic. There’s no kin here, Alexandrine. No one to help me down, and it hurts. If I’m going to keep us both alive, I need a way not to be so fucking uptight.”

  She gazed at him like she was trying to read his mind. “I had no idea.”

  He let his head hit the back of the couch. “I know that.” He drew in a breath. “That’s why I’m telling you.”

  “You’re hurting now?”

  Xia turned his head to look at her. “Alexandrine, I am way too uptight around you.”

  “I can’t help that. And I’m not going to let you blame me for it, either.”

  “No blame, baby.” He sat up and damn near touched her. No touching the witch. Touching the witch would be bad. Very bad. “It’s not your fault that I want in your pants and that I’m cranked because I can’t have what I want.”

  “I appreciate you telling me.” Alexandrine crossed her arms over her stomach. He gave her a look, and she flushed. “About the copa, I mean, not about your state of sexual frustration. I thought you were trying to get high.” She gestured at him, then returned her arm to her waist. “How bad is it for you?”

  “Not that bad. I can get along.” Lie. Major lie. But what was the point of telling her that? He’d deal because he had to.

  She gave a tight shake of her head. “If you need to take that, you should, Xia.”

  “You sure?”

  “I don’t want to die. Do you?”

  “Well. Since you put it that way. Thanks.” Xia picked up the envelope and took two of the pills, quickly, then refolded th
e envelope and put it back in his bag. Please, let the stuff work fast. Really, really fast.

  “Does it do anything to humans?”

  Xia gave that careful thought before he answered. “If you’re vanilla, no.”

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “And if you’re not?”

  Guess there wasn’t any way of dodging the bullet speeding straight for his forehead. He decided to get it over and done with. “Mages take it, too,” he said. He was already feeling the effects of the pills—a faint and pleasant sense of well-being. But not nearly enough to cut into his heat for Alexandrine Marit.

  “But we don’t connect psychically the way you do,” she said. “Why do they take it?”

  “It’s different for magekind than it is for us. For a while, it lets a mage pull more than he might otherwise.”

  Her attention was all for him. And here they were, sitting on the couch, all cozy, and he was feeling a whole new respect for her. She had totally turned around her life, and even a monster had to respect that. He brushed a thumb along her eyebrow and got a sexual sizzle from the contact. She drew back, but not far. He knew she wanted him. On a purely physical basis, they both wanted the forbidden. How screwed up and sick was that?

  “Magic is unpredictable for humans,” he said. “Even for us, it takes time to learn how to pull and then to know when you’ve pulled too much or when you haven’t pulled enough. Mages having trouble that way, well, copa can get them regulated so they can pull. But most of them take it so they can pull more.”

  “There’s always a downside,” she said.

  He tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear and left his hand cupping the side of her head. Oh, yeah. He was getting hot for her all over again. “A lot of the more powerful mages abuse it; they want the extra jump it gives them. And some of them keep taking it until it kills them. Rasmus smokes it. I kept hoping he’d overdose, but he’s always careful about when and how much and how often.”

  “Like I said.”

  “S’okay, Alexandrine. I should have told you from the start.”