Recipe for Temptation

by Gina Gordon

  The desperation in her eyes faded away. She looked up at him with a mixture of fear and sorrow.

  “Do you want to hear about how I had to steal in order to eat? That I had a mother who was too interested in fucking men for money that she forgot to buy groceries? That the reason I can’t talk dirty is because I’d fall asleep to the sounds of disgusting men talking to my mother like a whore, saying those same things?” He laughed. “You know the funny thing about all that? She was a whore.”

  She stepped back. Pulled away from him, folding her arms across her abdomen as if keeping in the disgust.

  Just as he’d suspected.

  “It’s not your fault,” she whispered. “None of it.”

  “I know that,” he barked. “But that doesn’t change what happened.” He kicked the weight hard, hoping it would make him hurt less inside, but even the sharp pain exploding in his foot didn’t curb the ache in his soul.

  Cole’s body collapsed at the thought, and he sank down onto the bench, dropping his head in his hands. His throat tightened. Not because he was fighting to hold back tears. Not because the bile rising from his stomach threatened to spill out with one forceful heave.

  Every molecule in his body told him not to look up at Penn. If he did, he’d never be able to look her in the eye again. Never be able to erase the memory of the horror that would surely be in her expression. But he did it anyway.

  She was hanging on to one of the stationary bikes. Her shoulders were hunched forward, tears running down her cheeks. But she wasn’t looking at him. She was staring at the floor. It wasn’t horror etched on her beautiful face. It was shock and…devastation.

  Their gazes met, and she opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  “Oh, Cole,” she whispered.

  He saw it in her eyes. Pity. As clear as he’d seen her desire for him all week.

  That was his picture-perfect childhood. His formative years. Devoid of love and affection. Of healthy relationships. Of anything resembling normalcy.

  Not until he was a teenager did Vivian find him and show him love. But that love also came with an expiration date. She had died much too young, much too early in his life. It had been a hard lesson, having the only love you’ve ever known ripped away from you.

  And he wasn’t making that mistake again.

  “It’s a lovely story, isn’t it?” he mocked. “Poor Cole, taken away from his own mother after too many years of neglect. Poor Cole, even his own mother didn’t love him enough to straighten up. How can I expect anyone to love me, to put me first, when my own mother couldn’t even do it?”

  He stood defiantly, shielding himself behind the impenetrable wall he kept between him and the rest of the world. Penn had chipped away at it all week, and if he had been any weaker, he might have let her kick it down completely. But what purpose would that serve? Without the barrier, he was a black hole of darkness, capable of pulling everyone into the chaos with him.

  So he steeled his emotions. Slammed them down, once again, under lock and key. Never to be toyed with again.

  Finally, Penn spoke. “Vivian Madewood loved you. Like you were her own child.”

  He nodded sadly. “And I loved Vivian. I loved everything about her. She was caring, humble, and most of all, forgiving. She forgave me every time I lashed out and made her feel like shit.” He look into Penn’s eyes. “Kind of like with you, Penn. Don’t you see? That’s all I know how to do—lash out and reject, make others feel worthless. Because that’s all I am.”

  More tears streamed down Penn’s face. “You’re the furthest thing from worthless, Cole. Please…” She whispered his name over and over, shaking her head.

  It killed him. Her pain. He knew with every breath she ached for him. He wanted to reach out and wrap his arms around her, feel her embrace him, and surround him with her love and her goodness. More than anything he wanted to hear her whisper that he meant something, anything, to her, and that everything would be all right.

  But he kept his hands at his sides. Because even if she might care, she didn’t care enough to change anything. Even Penn couldn’t fix him.

  And he loved her too much to put her through the inevitable.

  It was true. Everything he’d done for her this week was because he loved her. He knew that now. She probably deserved to know that he loved her. But more than that, she deserved to know there was no future between them.

  “It’s best if we just go back to the way things were before we came here.” He took a deep breath. “We’re coworkers. Friends, I guess. That’s it.”

  She choked out a sob. “Please,” she cried, reaching for him, but he pulled away.

  He had to be strong.

  “You don’t want to be promoted because you’re sleeping around the company, and I don’t want my personal life, past or present, splashed around the tabloids.”

  Reporters were ruthless. Cunning. They’d posted a sex tape of his brother online, for fuck’s sake. He couldn’t risk the world finding out how he’d grown up, speculating and reading into his relationships to see if his past carried into his present. He loved her, but right now, the thought of his past being public knowledge scared him more than the thought of losing her.

  She collapsed against the bike, wrapping her arms around herself.

  He had to walk past her on his way to the door. When his arm brushed hers, he lowered his head and whispered, “When you go back to your room and look in the mirror, remember who it was that crushed your beautiful spirit. Remember that the next time you think you and I would ever be a good idea.”

  With a heavy breath, and an ache in his heart too profound for words, he walked away. Just as the memories of his past haunted him, he’d carry the heartbreaking sound of her sobbing with him for the rest of his life.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Penn stared at the empty closet in Cole’s hotel room. She’d convinced a maid to let her in, pretending there was an emergency.

  But there was no emergency. Just the sick, heavy lump of regret that had settled in her stomach.

  She’d needed some time to collect her thoughts after he’d laid the truth at her feet. Apparently, it was just enough time for him to pack his bags and leave without a good-bye.

  His past had been worse than she’d ever imagined. As long as she lived, she’d never forget the sight of him standing in that gym. For such a solid man, broad shoulders and tall frame, he had shrunk into himself. It was the moment he walked out on her that she realized she loved him. Or it was the moment she was brave enough to accept it, because she’d probably always loved him.

  But how he grew up and where he came from didn’t matter to her. She knew he had a dark side. She knew he’d had a difficult childhood, and she had loved him anyway. For the boy he’d been. For the man he’d become.

  They had finally crossed that invisible line. The one where he lowered his defensive walls and let her in. But as soon as he’d told her everything, he’d built them right back up, stronger and thicker than ever.

  Now he was gone.

  And it was all her fault.

  She couldn’t live like this anymore, letting her fears control her. She raced out of his room toward the elevator and down through the lobby to find her family.

  She’d let her fear of their disapproval control her, to the point that she wasn’t brave enough to stand up for Cole when he needed it. Maybe if she had fought for him, if she had told him how she felt, he would have had a reason to stay. But she’d stayed silent and let him suffer her father’s accusations. He’d spent the entire week trying to get her to open up to her family because he believed in her, supported her, flaws and all. And she’d betrayed him by not returning that favor.

  She should be sad. She should be crying in the corner like a little girl because her heart was broken. Instead, she was angry.

  Blood-boiling angry. At herself.

  And there were a few people she needed to set straight.

  She walked with determinati
on through the hotel complex toward the beach. The waves, the wildlife, and the chatter of the other guests had all morphed into a buzzing noise that echoed in her ears.

  She stopped at the edge of the sand. Just in front of her, her family was having a great time celebrating their version of a closing ceremony with a bonfire, but she had nothing to celebrate. She had lost more than just a trophy. She had lost the man she loved.

  If she hadn’t been so angry, she would have admired that the hotel staff had dug out a pit in the sand and formed a seating area around the small fire with soft cushions and pillows. They’d even set up a table with all of the fixings for s’mores.

  “Penn, there you are,” Christine said, while putting her roasted marshmallow on top of chocolate and graham cracker. “We’ve…” Christine’s face fell when she looked up at her. “What’s wrong?”

  So she had her angry face on. Good.

  Andy ran up from out of nowhere and yanked on Penn’s arm. “Aunt Pennie, will you build a sand castle with me?”

  She looked down at her nephew, excitement and innocence in his eyes. Immediately, she thought of Cole. Of what his life must have been like at Andy’s age. Going hungry. Having to endure strange men coming into the one place that was supposed to be safe. Her chest tightened, and she wiped away a tear that fell from her cheek.

  She pulled Andy closer into a tight hug. “In a little while. I have to talk to the adults first.”

  When she approached the bonfire, her parents and siblings were engaged in conversation and barely noticed her arrival.

  Until Dave snickered. “Where’s Celebrity Chef?”

  Her hands fisted at her sides. “He had to go home.”

  “Kitchen emergency?” Dave slapped his knee in amusement.

  “They probably had to serve frozen chicken instead of fresh,” Ian said, getting in on the Cole bashing.

  Penn looked over at Pete, trying to ground herself.

  Keep your cool, Penn.

  “Madewood restaurants serve sub-par food.” Beth joined in, too. “News at eleven.”

  Penn crossed her arms over her chest. “You really shouldn’t trash talk someone who’s not here to defend themselves.”

  “What’s Celebrity Chef going to do?” Dave held out his arms as if welcoming a confrontation. “Force feed me cheesecake until I puke?”

  She tried to take her brother’s joking in stride, but all she saw was red.

  “No, you douche,” she spat out the words. They rolled off her tongue so easily.

  Damn that felt good.

  “I will.” She eyed her family, one by one, taking a deep breath before saying, “Because I love him.”

  “I knew it!” Beth yelled out, jumping from her seat.

  With the exception of her, the rest of the family was silent.

  “I love him.” The more she said it out loud, the more her heart tightened because she knew it was a lost cause.

  She stepped forward, wanting to make sure the next words out of her mouth were heard loud and clear, but the flames were damn hot. She settled for moving to the outer edge of the pit, opposite Beth.

  “I shouldn’t have lied about us. Although, we weren’t really an us, still aren’t an us, but I don’t want to lie anymore. Not about Cole. Not about who I am. Never again.”

  “I don’t like this one bit, Pennie,” her father said. “That boy—”

  “That boy is kind,” she interrupted. “Ambitious. Selfless and supportive. He likes me just the way I am, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you.”

  She’d thought she’d made some progress with her siblings the other night at the club. She’d thought she’d given them enough to realize on their own that she wasn’t the little girl they thought she was. But it hadn’t been welcomed.

  These were the people who were supposed to love her no matter what. And it was damn time they started.

  “If you love each other so much,” Dave retaliated. “Why did he leave you, Pennie?”

  At the sound of her nickname, something snapped. All of the anger she’d been holding back exploded.

  “For the last time, my name is not Pennie!” She spit out the nickname with as much contempt as she could muster.

  Dave jerked back at her outburst. A gasp sounded on the opposite side of the bonfire. She didn’t blame them; she barely recognized her own voice.

  “It’s Penn or Pennelope.”

  She wanted to believe it was the use of her nickname that had sparked her outrage, but if she was honest, Dave’s comment had hit too close to home. She did love Cole, and he’d left her.

  Her failure to stand up and fight for him had forced him to relive his traumatic past. How was she ever going to get him to trust her, love her, after that? She only hoped that when she returned home, they might be able to salvage some kind of a friendship.

  “Look at me. I am not the chubby, nerdy, uncoordinated wallflower I was when I was fifteen years old. I have a tattoo. I own fifty-six pairs of stilettos that probably cost as much as a year’s college tuition. I dance on tables. I’m the bad influence.” She looked over at her father, trying to prove a point. Her behavior had nothing to do with Cole.

  She glowered at them. Maybe just at Dave and Beth.

  “And I like to say fuck.” She held her arms out and let her head fall back. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

  “Aunt Pennie said a bad word,” Andy yelled out.

  “Yes, Andy. I did.” She turned to look at the little ones who were off by themselves away from the fire. “And one day, you will, too.”

  “Penn, really.” Ian thrust up his arm and let it fall down to his knee with a thump. “Do you have to encourage my child to swear?”

  “I’m just telling it like it is.”

  Other than Pete and Christine, the rest of her family stared at her in shock. Dave’s mouth was practically on the sand. Her father’s jaw twitched. He was holding in his anger. She could see it clearly even through the dancing flames. She couldn’t decipher the look on her mother’s face.

  “That was five F-bombs,” Dave yelled, then turned to her father. “So fifty pushups, right, Dad?” His current expression was the same one she’d seen on her brother for her entire life. The look of a man seeking approval.

  “Tell me something, Dave.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Does it make you happy doing everything Dad tells you to do? He wanted you to be a teacher, so you did. He wanted you to play football. So you did. He wanted you to get married and have a family. And you did.” She held out her hand, gesturing to Beth, who now paced the edge of the pit with Hannah in her arms.

  “You think that just because I didn’t follow the path Dad wanted me to that I’m unsuccessful. You tease me. You dismiss me and my work.” She choked back tears. “I’ll have you know Cole and his brothers help thousands of kids a year, Dad. In different ways than you do, but they’re changing lives just like you are. All of my work, everything I do, supports their efforts. So I am helping kids. I am making a difference. But I’m doing it my own way. Not yours.” She took a deep breath. “I don’t want to be a drone. A damn carbon copy of the rest of you.”

  When this was all over, she was going to have to apologize to Pete and Christine. She didn’t have the same harsh feelings about them as she did the rest of her family, even though Pete had toed the Foster line his entire life.

  She just hadn’t been able to swallow the identity pill that would make her exactly like the rest of them. She wanted to do something completely different. Achieve it all on her own. On her own merit and determination. Which was why her job with the Madewood family was so important. Which was why, if she got a spot on the board, she didn’t want it to be tainted because people found out she’d had a sexual relationship with Cole.

  “Are you quite finished making a scene?” Her father looked behind him. Probably making sure that no one was paying attention to her inappropriate outburst. But the only people on the beach were a few couples who were too engrossed
in each other to care about her freak out.

  She narrowed her eyes, thinking about it, staring at the blank faces of most of her siblings. She’d said her piece. She’d tried. The ball was now in their corner.

  With a heavy breath, she grabbed one of the s’mores sticks and began poking the fire. “Yes, thank you.”

  “What I don’t understand is where this is all coming from,” her mother said, shooting a disapproving look at her father. Interesting.

  “It was the only way to make you actually listen.”

  Which was true, but it had everything to do with being angry that she’d fucked up with Cole. His departure was the straw that broke the camel’s back, forcing her to be true to herself.

  “You all know nothing about me. Yes, it’s my own fault. I should have told you I was changing. But I didn’t dare, because I was afraid of being criticized or laughed at, and—” She’d hidden herself from her family out of fear. “I was afraid that you wouldn’t love me anymore.”

  “That’s preposterous,” her father scoffed.

  “Not entirely, dear,” her mother responded.

  The stick Penn was holding caught on fire when she froze at her mother’s words.

  “What are you saying?” Her father had a furious look on his face.

  Penn shoved the stick into the sand, putting out the flame, and quickly returned to the scene between her parents.

  “You made it very clear that if any one of our children didn’t excel at sports or follow in your footsteps, they weren’t good enough. You showered our sons with love and affection because they could throw a ball through a hoop. But Pennelope? Not so much.”

  Penn still couldn’t shoot a free throw to save her life. And the surfing fiasco the other day had proven her aversion to water sports was warranted.

  “I—” Her father gaped. “That’s not—”

  “Forty years. We’ve been married for forty years, and I have always stood by you. But I’ve always thought you pushed the children too hard.”