by Ginny Dye
“I bought it for you the way I remembered you,” Carrie finally choked out between her laughs. Thank God they were able to laugh about it. It would be so easy to cry.
“It’s wonderful, Carrie,” Matthew said, controlling his laughter and speaking warmly. “You don’t know the number of times I have longed for something to keep me warm. Thank you.”
“Tell me how you are doing,” Carrie asked, eager to turn the attention away from herself.
Matthew shrugged. “The days are long. The nights tend to be longer. It has become harder in the cold to keep my spirits up. The officers I reside with are wonderful, though. We keep each other from having our pity parties. We spend long hours dreaming of what our release will be like. We regale each other with stories of home. I could probably tell you the life story of every man up there.”
“Ever the journalist,” Carrie observed.
“No,” Matthew said thoughtfully. “It’s more a preservation of sanity. We have to remind each other that there really is another world out there.”
Carrie nodded but realized she had no way of truly understanding what he was going through.
Matthew shook his head. “I really have very little to complain about. I live in paradise compared to the enlisted men. However bad the food may be, they at least give us provisions for three meals a day. The enlisted men only get two. I have a straw mattress to lay on; the enlisted men still sleep on the floor. And we do find ways to pass the time. I find I am becoming quite good at chess,” he said cheerfully.
“You have a chess set there?” Carrie asked blankly.
“Of a sort. It is quite a popular game here at Harwoods. The playing pieces are a bit crude - they are carved from meat bones. But they serve their purpose.” Then he laughed. “One of the officers has become quite fanatical about the game. Last week when he was playing, he became so excited about checkmating his opponent that he fainted dead away. We told him he needed to play a little less and eat a little more.”
Carrie laughed with him. “Have you heard anything about the possibility of your being released?”
“I’m afraid not. But I have not given up hope.”
“Hope becomes our light during our darkest times,” Carrie murmured.
“What?”
Carrie repeated what she had said. “Old Sarah used to tell me that. I find it to be very true.”
“Sarah was right. My hope is what gets me up every morning.” Then he smiled. “And there are things happening to give hope. Our famous Congressman Ely was released yesterday. Seems he was exchanged for one Charles James Faulkner.”
“The Virginian politician who was arrested in the North for disloyal conduct?”
“That’s the one. Anyway, the Federal government released him. The Confederates reciprocated and released Ely since he was also an important politician.”
“How happy he must be!” Carrie exclaimed.
“Yes. And we were happy for him. Not only is he free - we know he will spread the news in the North about what is happening in the prisons. We all pray he will have influence to force some exchange of prisoners.”
Carrie nodded. “I hope so,” she said fervently.
“So, Carrie Cromwell, how are you doing? Still running the plantation by yourself?”
“I’m afraid so - even more by myself than I was before.” Briefly she told him of Rose and Moses escape. “I have great hopes they are with Aunt Abby even as we speak.”
Both of their eyes misted over as they thought about the lady they loved so much.
Finally Carrie cleared her throat. “I am only here for the Christmas holidays. Then I will go back to the plantation and begin to prepare for spring planting. There is much work that needs to be done.”
Matthew gazed at her with obvious admiration then asked quietly. “Are you planning to see Robert while you are here?”
Carrie’s mouth fell open. “Robert is in Richmond?”
“I thought you knew,” Matthew said. “He was here to visit me yesterday.”
“Did he speak of visiting me?” Carrie hated to ask the question, but she simply had to know.
“Well... no, but then, I don’t know he has any idea you are here. He arrived in town just night before last. He spoke of visiting your father today.”
“I’m sure Father will be glad to see him,” Carrie managed even though her heart was spinning.
Matthew leaned forward and took her hands. “I’m hoping things can work out between you and Robert.”
Carrie took a deep breath and regained control of her emotions. Why could she not control her heart and mind when it came to Robert? It would be better if he didn’t discover she was in town. Only time was going to heal her heart. Continuing to see him would do nothing but keep the wound raw. “Thank you, Matthew, but I don’t see that happening. I’m glad he was here to see you yesterday.”
Matthew nodded and just watched her quietly.
Carrie sought for a way to change the subject. Her mind drew a blank. All she could do was sit silently, fighting to control her emotions.
Matthew came to her rescue by relaying stories of prison life. It gave her time to pull her thoughts back together.
“Time’s up!” he guard called into the room.
Carrie flushed. “Matthew, I’m so sorry...”
“Nonsense,” Matthew responded with a warm smile. “It has been wonderful to have you here. You have given me a gift I have longed for. And…” he paused. “I understand unrequited love,” he finished softly.
Carrie stared at him. She hadn’t known about a lost love in his life. “Time’s up!” the guard called more loudly, and then he appeared at the door.
“Merry Christmas, Carrie. Thank you for coming.”
“Merry Christmas, Matthew.” Carrie said with a catch in her throat. “I will be thinking of you.”
Two nights before Christmas found Carrie on her father’s arm as they swept up the stairs leading to a gloriously lighted home. Carrie gazed at the elegant three-story mansion as they approached. Candles were burning in every window. Festive greenery adorned every door, window, and sash. A large tree, resplendent in its Christmas finery, was the center of attention as they entered the house.
A doorman was waiting to take their wraps. Music played in the background as the guests entered. Carrie looked around her. Would Robert be here tonight? Quickly, she pulled her attention back to her father and the hosts they were waiting to greet. She was being silly! She simply must stop looking for Robert everywhere she went. What good had her decision been if she was going to pine over him for the rest of her life? It was high time she focus on other young men. Maybe that would keep her mind off Robert.
When Carrie stepped into the ballroom, her plan was perfectly formulated in her mind. She would have so much fun and meet so many new men tonight that she would have no time to think of Robert.
“The first dance belongs to you, Father.”
Thomas turned to her with a bright smile. “I was never in doubt of that, daughter. I was simply going to turn the young men away until I had had my fill. By the way, have I told you how ravishing you look in your Christmas gown?”
Carrie laughed. “Yes, you have. I still think you are trying to make me feel better about wearing last year’s gown.” Then she laughed again. “Not that I care. I’ve always thought it was silly to wear a gown once and then retire it and search for another. I loved this dress when I bought it. I still love it,” she said firmly. She knew she looked her best in the sweeping red, satin gown with the green velvet trim. Robert had loved her in it... Too late she remembered her vow. When the music started, she moved into her father’s arms. The music and dancing would claim her attention. She would make sure of it.
Laughter and chatter filled the ballroom as the music swept its way through the room. Carrie put all thoughts out of her mind and fell into the spirit of the evening. Hard things were to be ignored - to be banished from significance. This was a night for enjoyment. One willing pa
rtner after another swept her through dance after dance. The music swirled around and through her.
“May I have this dance, Miss Cromwell?”
Carrie felt a tap on her shoulder and smilingly turned to meet her new partner. “Why of course...” The words died on her lips. She struggled for control and then managed to say quite naturally, “Hello, Robert.”
He continued to look at her and almost seemed to drink her in with his eyes. She blushed but didn’t look away. Then he held out his arms, and Carrie moved into them. The magic that had engulfed them the first night they had danced together at the Blackwell ball swallowed them once again. Carrie lost touch with everything around her. All she could see was Robert. All she could feel was the beating of her heart. The music faded into the background as they swirled around the room.
When the music stopped, he said nothing, just watched her quietly. When it started up again, almost immediately he swept her once more onto the floor. They were one as they glided from one dance to the other. Carrie had no need to talk. She didn’t want to break the magic. She didn’t want reality to dash her hopes one more time. She was giving herself a Christmas present.
Finally the music died away. They had completely ignored the call to the supper table. All around them they could hear guests calling for their wraps and carriages.
Carrie, breathing hard, stepped back.
Robert stepped back as well but didn’t release his hold on her shoulders. Finally he spoke, his voice registering an intensity she had never heard. “I would like to talk to you. May I come by tomorrow morning?”
Carrie nodded. The magic of the evening still had her in its grip. Perhaps it would continue.
Robert continued to watch her, and then his mouth tightened with frustration. He took her hand and led her through the throng of people.
Carrie followed willingly.
Robert pushed open the door to the study and pulled her into the dimly lit room, cozy from the heat of the flickering fire. Still not speaking, he led her to the large window overlooking the city. They stood silently for a few moments as they watched sparse snowflakes dance in the lights along the street.
Finally Robert turned her to face him and gazed down at her. “I’ve missed you, Carrie.”
Carrie met his eyes. “And I’ve missed you, Robert.” She knew her face was saying much more. She didn’t care.
Robert continued to stare at her and was obviously unsure of what to say. Carrie sympathized with him. What was there to say? She had turned down his proposal of marriage. It would be insane to deny the magic that still pulsed between them, but it hadn’t been enough before. Why should it be now?
A sudden spark from the fire exploded and shot up the chimney. Robert glanced toward the fire and then seemed to make up his mind. Drawing her toward him gently, he watched her closely.
Carrie did not resist. The magic of the evening held her captive. She closed her eyes and leaned forward slightly as Robert’s lips claimed hers tenderly. Her whole body trembled as his hold on her tightened. His lips sent trails of fire down her spine. She could no more control her response to him than she could control what was happening in her country. She shuddered slightly as her arms reached up to encircle his neck and her lips sent their own message.
A sudden noise in the hallway startled them. They drew apart simultaneously and then just looked at each other. Carrie fought to control her trembling. She knew she needed to regain control before someone walked in on them. The sound of footsteps heading toward the study said that would be soon.
Robert bowed and moved away, still holding her with his eyes. “I’ll see you in the morning,” he said gravely. Then he turned and walked away.
Carrie turned away from the window in disappointment.
Thomas watched her from his window chair. “He’ll be here,” he said comfortingly. “Something must be holding him up.”
Carrie shook her head. “It’s almost noon. He must have changed his mind about coming.” She tried to hide the bitter disappointment in her voice. She turned and took a seat far from the window. She had been silly to hope again. Silly to lie awake most of the night, dreaming things would have changed. Silly to dance each dance over and over in her mind. Silly to relive their magical kiss.
Determinedly, she brought her thoughts back to the room. “I’ve had a wonderful Christmas with you, Father. Thank you so much.” The clock struck noon, and she rose to head for the stairs. “We will have to leave soon if we want to get all our visiting done. I will get my wraps.”
Thomas played along. “The Clays are expecting us for dinner around five o’clock. We should have plenty of time to make all our stops.”
Carrie nodded and moved toward the stairs. Just then there was a sharp rap on the door. Carrie started and then held her breath as Micah came from the back to answer it. She had not heard a carriage. Hope began to flutter once more.
“I have a message for Miss Carrie Cromwell,” a strange voice said.
Carrie moved to the door. “Thank you, Micah.” Then she turned to the young boy in uniform standing before her, his face intense with his mission. “I am Carrie Cromwell. What can I do for you?”
The boy looked at her admiringly and then held out a thin envelope. “Lieutenant Borden asked me to deliver this,” he said. He hesitated a moment and then blurted out, “He said the prettiest girl in Richmond would be the one to claim it. He was right!” Then he flushed crimson.
Carrie smiled gently and reached out to take the envelope. Already, her hopes were withering. “Thank you,” she said graciously. “And Merry Christmas.” Then she closed the door, stood in the entryway, and stared at the letter.
“What is it?” Thomas called.
Carrie walked woodenly into the parlor. “A note from Robert.” Her father said nothing, but she knew he was waiting. Slowly she tore open the envelope and pulled out the single sheet.
My dear Carrie,
It is with great disappointment and sorrow that I write this letter. I have been called away to join Jackson on the front. I am leaving early in the morning. My heart longs to talk with you, but I’m afraid that is impossible. Thank you for a wonderful evening of magic. I will carry you in my heart. Merry Christmas.
Love,
Robert
Carrie read the first three sentences out loud to her father and then carefully folded the letter and put it in her pocket. “I believe I hear the carriage being called. We’d best be on our way.”
It wasn’t until late that night that Carrie let the tears come that had been choking her throat all day long. Somehow she had managed to hold them back all day while she smiled brightly as they visited from house to house. The effort had left her exhausted. After kissing her father goodnight, she had escaped to her room. Too exhausted to prepare for sleep, she had fallen across her bed. It had taken only moments for the hot tears to push past the barriers she had erected. Finally, too drained to even cry any more, she lay quietly on her bed, her heart squeezed with pain.
She heard the clock chiming midnight before she moved again. She walked over to the desk in her room and found a piece of paper and pen. She began to write.
Dear Robert,
I have a confession to make. I love you with all my heart. In spite of the fact you have hatred and anger in your heart toward the black people I love so much - I love you. I have tried not to. I have told myself that I didn’t. But the truth is inescapable. You are the only man who has ever captured my heart, and I will love you forever.
I am convinced, however, that marriage between us would never work. The tensions and misunderstandings would someday destroy the love that burns so brightly between us now. I could not stand that. I would rather endure the pain I am suffering now than watch that happen. My heart could not stand it.
I have searched my heart deeply tonight. And I have come to accept the truth. I merely thought I had let you go. I didn’t really. I was sure you would change your mind - that your heart would change and we could be
together. I have been living my life - but not as fully as I should because I have been waiting for you. I cannot continue to live that way.
I have reached a decision tonight. Once again I have completely given you up. It is the only way I can live. Given enough time, I am sure my heart will move past its love for you. I love you too much to continue seeing you. Please do not make any attempts to communicate with me. If you love me, you will heed my wishes.
I hope for you a wonderful life.
Love,
Carrie
Carrie wiped the tears away from her eyes as she finished the letter and carefully sealed and addressed the envelope. Unbidden, a picture of Robert on the front, suffering cold and fatigue, sprang to her mind. For several long minutes, she held the letter in her hand and stared it.
Then she stood and moved toward the crackling fire that still flickered in her fireplace. Kneeling, she held the letter to the flames and then stepped back as the letter that had poured from her heart crumbled into ashes.
Then she prepared for bed and fell into a troubled sleep.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
January 1, 1862 dawned clear and unseasonably mild in Winchester, Virginia.
Robert took deep breaths of the fresh morning air and stretched as he came out of his tent. All around him there was movement as the eighty-five hundred men Jackson had mustered for his winter campaign prepared for the march to come that day. Spirits were high, and confidence was strong that their campaign to take control of the western portion of Virginia would be successful.
Robert splashed water onto his face to wake himself up and then moved over to the cooking fires. It took him only a few minutes to cook a piece of beef on the tip of his sword. Hardtack and a cup of coffee finished his breakfast. As he ate, he pondered what was to come.
“Good morning, Lieutenant,” a voice said cheerfully.
