Compromising Positions

by Jenna Bayley-Burke

  Then she narrowed her eyes and all her features sharpened. He knew this look. This was the mean Sophie, the nasty side of her he never wished to see. The only part of her he would not miss. Realization washed over him. He’d always thought she did this when she was angry, but it was when she was hurt.

  “You asshole.”

  He was pinned to his chair as her icy blue eyes froze him in place. Her voice was still a whisper, but he could hear the rage.

  “How dare you? I have been spending every waking moment trying to figure out a life where I would be okay with not having children of my own. I thought maybe if you explained why, maybe if I understood, I could be okay with it. I’m willing to change everything I am, and you don’t even trust me.”

  “I trust you,” came out automatically. Should have kept his damn mouth shut.

  “Then why are you doing this? Without even talking to me? This isn’t just your decision, David.”

  “No one makes decisions for me.”

  “Of course not, that’s your job. You know what is best for everyone.” She took a deep breath, her pale throat undulating as she swallowed. “You could change your mind.”

  “I won’t.”

  “How can you have so little consideration for my feelings? You weren’t even going to tell me. I deserve better than that.”

  He set his jaw against the strain in her voice. He was doing the right thing. “Yes, you do.” His eyelids slammed shut as she choked on a sob. This had to stop.

  “I do.”

  He heard her rummaging in her bag. She must be crying, looking for a tissue. Tears wouldn’t change his mind. He needed to do this, should have a long time ago.

  “David.” Her voice was deadly calm, crystal clear.

  He opened his eyes. She wanted to cry, he could feel it. But she wouldn’t, at least not in front of him.

  “I should thank you for making this easier for me. You really are a bastard.”

  He saw the keys dangling in front of his face. She dropped them and he instinctively reached out and caught them without thinking. A profound sense of deja vu swept through him. He’d done that to her when he tried to give her the car. He shook his head. “I don’t want—”

  “I don’t care what you want anymore, David. I deserve better than this game you’re playing with me. I deserve someone who wants to love me without any qualifications. Who’ll be honored, not burdened, to have children with me. Have a nice life, David.” She grabbed his face, kissing him hard and purposefully. There was no romance, no regret, just goodbye. An end so bitter he couldn’t watch.

  “God damn you,” she choked, pushing him away. “You closed your eyes.”

  ———

  “Daddy, wake up,” the familiar voice pleaded. Tossing to his side, David knew he was dreaming. He’d had this dream so many times. Just walk around to the other side of the bed and get in.

  “Daddy!”

  Walk around, he told himself again. But something was different. Usually he was staring at Lance’s sleeping face, but now he couldn’t see anything.

  “Daddy!”

  The dream would go on forever if he didn’t get in the bed. If he couldn’t see, he’d just feel his way in. David stuck out his arms, reaching for the edge of the bed. His fingers touched warm skin and his eyes shot open. There he was, maybe three years old.

  “I went potty all by myself. You have to tuck me in.”

  His hands cupped the little face in awe, focusing on the pale blue eyes. Sophie’s eyes. He pulled the boy as close as he could, the soft skin and fuzzy cotton of the pajamas beneath his fingers, the short cropped hair against his cheek. He pulled the boy’s scent into his lungs until he thought they would burst.

  “Daddy, no. Not with you. In my bed. Mommy said you would.”

  Mommy. Releasing the boy David turned, looking at the other side of the bed. But it was empty. His bed, in his condo. He looked back to where the boy had been, but he was gone too.

  David felt so empty he thought he might vomit. He fell back on the pillows and slammed his eyes shut. It was just a dream, but it had felt so real, so warm. The sheets had been white like Sophie’s, not gray like his. That meant she was there, right?

  It could be real, he could make it real. He could risk it. He could risk anything just to feel that sweet-smelling hair against his cheek. Soap, peanut butter and grass.

  He tried to imagine it again, tried to relive the moment. He tried to concentrate on every subtle nuance of the dream, but the tendrils snapped and evaporated as he wakened more and more. Maybe if he fell asleep the dream would come back. This time he wouldn’t let go.

  ———

  “It’s a girl.” Sophie spoke softly, setting the flowers in front of the grave marker her parents shared. “Kinsey Dawn, but you probably already know that.”

  She rambled on, wishing they were really listening. Wishing there had been someone to hold her as she’d left the hospital room this morning, fresh with the realization her sister had a family that didn’t include her.

  She wanted to kneel, to throw herself on the ground and cry, scream, kick, at how selfish she felt. But the ground was wet from the morning dew, and cold from the November air. She should feel blessed Daphne had a baby a month premature who came into the world pink and screaming. But instead she was envious she didn’t have a family of her own, angry with David for not being the man she wanted him to be, furious with herself for allowing her happiness to rest on other people.

  “I messed up.” Her eyes closed as she purged her heart in the early morning silence. “I’m trying Mama, I’m trying to find that full life you were talking about. But I’m afraid if I run to him because I want to now, I’ll regret it later. I’ll regret not having a baby. When I held Kinsey today, I just ached. She is so pretty and she knows Daphne already. Daphne picks her up and she relaxes.”

  Sophie wiped a tear away with her glove. “I don’t understand why it feels like this. I shouldn’t hold my sister’s baby and want her to be mine. I should be happy after all they went through. I shouldn’t have wanted him to be there with me. But I did. How long does that last? How long until I can have a moment where I’m not wishing he were with me, that he actually loved me the way I loved him?”

  She huffed out a breath. It was ridiculous to be looking for answers here. Opening her eyes, she blinked away the tears until she could see clearly again. Her heart stalled in her chest as she saw him, so far away he was merely a figure atop a hill. She knew it was David as surely as she knew she should go. She’d ended it, she’d decided it was too much and walked away. But as she watched him drop to his knees, her legs had a mind of their own. She’d handle the rejection somehow. She needed to get to him, just in case he needed her.

  Her eyes never left him as she made the hike. It was barely eight in the morning, her footsteps the only sound. He didn’t turn as she neared him, stayed on his knees rocking slightly. Sophie carefully stepped closer, until she could read the headstone in front of him. Natalie Davidson Strong. Her eyes stalled on the date. Today, Kinsey’s birthday, David’s birthday.

  He didn’t move as she stepped closer, didn’t flinch as she laid her hand on his shoulder. “David?”

  His hand covered hers. “Are you real?”

  Sophie pinched his earlobe with her other hand. He laughed, pulling that hand forward and kissing it. Looking down, she realized he was kneeling on one of the yoga mats she sat on so she could see when she drove the truck.

  “Did my dad tell you where to find me?”

  “No, I came to congratulate my folks. They’re grandparents today.”

  His head nodded slowly as he tightened his grip on her hand.

  “You’re officially mid-thirties now.”

  How did she know not to say happy birthday? “I’ve missed you.”

  “You saw me two days ago.”

  It felt like years had passed since that morning at the doctor’s office. “I’m not doing it. You were right, I changed my mind
. You changed it.”

  She stepped closer, so close he could press his head back against her stomach, feel the buttons on her long wool coat.

  “That wasn’t why I was upset. I should go.”

  He tightened his grip on her hand. He wouldn’t let her go this time. “Just listen and let me try and explain. It feels like you are always with me, like what would make me happy would make you happy, so I never think to ask. It’s hard for me to think of you as separate from me. But I promise I’ll try.

  “From that first night we spent together, I changed. I became the man you wanted me to be, and I’m still getting used to the feeling. It scares me to trust you, because when I trust people they disappoint me. My father has a real knack for it.”

  “He does mean well, David. He just goes about it wrong.”

  “I know, and this isn’t about him. Remember that night in your bed when you said we matched? You were right. You can feel it when I need you, like at the clinic and today, and I can feel it when you’re hurt or happy. We can’t let that get away.”

  “David.” She was crying in that silent way she did, so he pulled her arms tighter around him.

  “Have you decided anything yet?”

  He felt her struggle to control her breathing. “You can have the club.”

  “You know that’s not what I meant.”

  “I want my truck back.”

  Laughing, he let one hand go so she could wipe her eyes. Taking the glove off the hand he had left he splayed her fingers between his. Even with her fingers stretched out her hands were smaller than his palms. He’d wondered about that.

  “Don’t laugh. There’s no point in you selling it so I can buy it again. But I want to pay for it.”

  “It’s in the south parking lot. You want it now?”

  “Why are you driving it?”

  “The Corvette is my mother’s. I never drive it today. When women I love leave me they seem to leave me their car. It’s very bizarre.”

  She must not have heard him.

  “Your mom’s maiden name was Davidson. Is that where they got your name?”

  “We don’t know my name.” He took a deep breath and reveled in how easy the words came. He never talked about it, never explained, not even when his father pressed, or to the shrink as a kid. “She wanted it to be a surprise. Dad looked everywhere to see if she wrote it down, but never found it. Davidson was all he could think of.”

  She hugged him close, which wasn’t why he’d told her, but he liked it anyway. Liked it so much he held her tight as she tried to pull away. “I won’t let you go.”

  “I won’t let you treat me like I don’t matter.”

  “Good.” He pulled her around in front of him. “Teach me. Teach me to love you like you deserve to be loved.”

  Her mouth twisted up as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. Pressing his head against her chest until he could hear the pounding of her heart.

  “I should go.”

  “No, not yet.” He couldn’t let her go, not now, not ever. “Tell me.” Anything to keep her talking, to keep her here. “Tell me about the baby.”

  Her breath was catching in her throat as she tried to calm down. “She’s tiny, but perfect. They named her Kinsey Dawn. She’s almost five pounds and eighteen inches long, what there is of her hair is red.”

  David looked up and stared into her big blue eyes. “Red hair, Craig will like that. I thought you said they were having a boy.”

  “I dreamed it was a boy, but Daphne always knew she was a girl.”

  “You dreamed about our boy.” He held tight as she tried to wriggle away. “I did too.”

  “It was just a dream, David.”

  “Make it come true.”

  Sophie sank to her knees and kissed him softly, pushing away when he tried to deepen it. “It’s not about babies, David. I need to make my own choices, have my own life. You have to let me.”

  “I will, as long as you choose me.”

  “You’re not a choice. You’re a part of me. I need to go, to think, okay?”

  He nodded slowly, reluctantly releasing her. Watching as she put her glove back on and turned to go. “I love you, Sophie. Remember that when you’re deciding.”

  He watched her feet stop, waiting before she made her way down the hill. He watched every step as she became smaller and smaller, fading away behind a hill. He turned back to the headstone and did what he did on this day every year. Planned the rest of his life.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Sophie had said she wanted the truck, so he brought her the truck. To the last class of the Sensational Sex series. Even though she’d told him not to come. He’d promised to finish out the classes, and he didn’t disappoint. She might be angry he was there when she’d told him not to be. But he couldn’t sit still thinking someone else might be putting her in the Perfumed Garden positions.

  He’d taken the Kama Sutra manual she used to plan the classes from her apartment when he snuck in to set up for tonight. The Perfumed Garden was a fifteenth century North African guide to sexual fulfillment. There were eleven numbered postures, but David couldn’t tell which Sophie had chosen to focus on in class.

  Reading about the first posture had made his decision for him. The basic man-on-top position was designed for couples with significantly different builds. It was very straightforward, lacking the creativity of the positions she used for the class. Still, he wondered if she’d planned to include it.

  Making his way to her office, he heard voices and paused. Lance and Tessa were already there, running through the format with Sophie. She wouldn’t look at him, but from the way her shoulders tensed he knew she felt his presence.

  “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  Lance and Tessa both turned to him, their eyes widening. David hadn’t spoken to either one of them since his father’s forced confession. He was still angry, but in a twisted way he understood. They just wanted him to be happy.

  Sophie looked at the clock and at her hands, anywhere but at him.

  “Dad, why don’t you go check out the studio. I already set it up.”

  She finally looked at him, narrowing her eyes. He waited until Lance and Tessa left before responding.

  “I’m not running things. I just wanted to talk to you.”

  Her face relaxed as she leaned back in her chair.

  “I figured some things out and I wanted you to know what I learned.” He pulled the bag from behind his back and set it on the table.

  “You like presents, easy fun presents like fruit and chocolate.” From the bag he handed her the box of chocolate-covered strawberries. Her smile was wide, dimples pressing into her cheeks.

  “You want to have the fun of picking out major purchases like a car,” he handed her a toy truck, “or a house.” Pulling the folder out of the bag he handed it to her.

  “What is this?” She narrowed her eyes again. Not good.

  “I think we need to buy a house.”

  ”David.” The warning in her voice was as blaring as a ship’s horn.

  “I’m not going to just lie down and let you run my life either. I want a partnership. If you don’t think we need a bigger place, then we’ll argue about it.”

  Sophie slowly shook her head and cracked the folder.

  “And if you are still trying to figure things out career wise I have some ideas too. I need someone to handle Deliver-Ease full time when it rolls national. You could stay on here, or work in the accounting department at SGI.”

  “David,” she warned again, slamming the folder shut. He’d pushed too far.

  He held up his hands. “Whatever you want, I just want you close.”

  “That’s good to know.” He knew that smile. It was her teasing smile, the one that always pulled him in.

  “What positions are we doing tonight?”

  “The Perfumed Garden.”

  “I know, but which ones?”

  “I’ve already gone through them
with Lance and Tessa. You don’t need to worry about it.”

  “We should do the first posture.”

  Her lips twitched as she eyed him. “There’s not a lot to learn about a bent-knee male superior.”

  “It’s designed for people of different sizes. I learned a lot from it.”

  ———

  Sophie didn’t want David to stop being in control, she just wanted him to share the control with her. It had been almost impossible for her to walk away from him yesterday, but there was still a power imbalance she wasn’t comfortable with. But maybe, if he understood about the postures, he might understand her too.

  The Perfumed Garden postures were all male dominant, so it might be hard to show him, but she would try. She would teach him there’s more power in giving up control than in maintaining it.

  “We’re going to do something a little different tonight because it’s our last class,” Sophie began after the warm-up and the couples were together on their mats. “This is our last chance to make sure every one of you takes away something from the course.”

  Walking around the room, she handed each pair two note cards and pens. “Completely anonymous, I want you to write down a problem you’re having sexually, maybe the reason you are here or a physical compensation you need to make. We’re going to try to answer that problem with a position from The Perfumed Garden.

  “Texts like The Kama Sutra and The Perfumed Garden were written centuries ago to answer questions just like the ones you’ll be writing. The works have endured because the solutions work.

  “While you are thinking about it, I’ll give you an example. As you may have noticed, David is a couple of inches taller than me.” Sophie hoped the laughter from the class meant they were warming to her idea.

  “In The Perfumed Garden the first posture compensates for this.” Sophie returned to the raised platform and lay on her back, pulling David down with her.

  “In the first posture, the woman lies on her back with her knees pulled back. The man kneels between her legs, his hands at her sides. She then presses her calves on either side of his hips. Because he is on his knees there is less pressure on her body to support his. The man also has a lot of control over the depth of penetration. Thinking about what makes your partner comfortable will help you relax and perform better.”