by Cole Lepley
I know I can’t.
Mack and Zander showed up about an hour ago and things didn’t go well. Mack locked herself in her room and refuses to talk about it. She also informed us that she has broken up with her new boyfriend, Judah—whom I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet.
Zander is eyeing me cautiously from his seat across from me in the living room. I nod to him.
“What’s up? You look like you want to say something.”
He laughs nervously. “I can’t believe you’re here. I mean, I thought you might come, but you really did.”
I smirk. “Did you miss me, Zander?”
He blushes a little. I can tell when someone is cock-gazing. I was in prison after all.
“You know you’re cute,” he says casually, lighting a cigarette. He takes a drag and his expression darkens. “Sean is going to be a problem and Mack won’t let us help her.”
I clench my fist. “Well, she doesn’t have a fucking choice. I spent almost two years behind bars and it wasn’t so bad. I’ll do it again.”
Zander’s eyes widen. “Yeah, but next time you could go away for life. You almost killed him.”
I shrug before throwing my arm over the back of the couch. “Yeah, so?”
“So? Regardless of your thug tendencies, Mackenzie needs her brother. She’d never recover if she lost you.”
The tightness returns to my chest. I worry about Mack all of the time. She acts strong on the outside, but I see through it. She wanted so desperately for Sean to love her, but he never really did. I guess we both have issues when it comes to seeking approval. My dad wanting me to be a contribution to society instead of a burden, and wanting Mack to be the next Mrs. Tom Brady. This new guy could be worse. He’s a quarterback, too. A wet dream for my dad, trouble for my sister.
I light a cigarette of my own and nod to him. “Tell me about this guy—Judah? What’s he like?”
Zander grins wide and I laugh.
“I don’t want to hear about what a fucking dreamboat he is either. I’m talking integrity. Is he a nice guy? Does he treat her with respect?”
Zander laughs. “Okay, aside from being totally hot, he’s a good dude. He cares about her, looks out for her. I think he’s the real deal.”
My jaw ticks. The level of trust I have for new people is minimal. “Well, I need to meet him.”
Zander’s face falls. “I hope you do. I think Mack’s just embarrassed right now. Sean really fucked things up.”
I give a hard smile. “Don’t worry. I’m going to fix it.”
I don’t elaborate further and Zander looks scared. Good. Everyone should be. I’ve been pushed to breaking point and I need to release some aggression.
After Zander passes out, I snoop through their apartment. I find a few things I may need and come across some photos in frames scattered throughout. Most of them are of Mack and Zander and a random friend or two, but one catches my eye. Mack is sitting on this guy’s lap—probably Judah, and they look happy. It’s been so long since I’ve seen her smile light up her face like that. I hope he is as good as Zander claims, or he’s next.
I’m rifling through the kitchen drawers when my phone rings. My heart catches in my throat when I check the display. I’ve been overwhelmed since I got here, and honestly don’t know what to say.
“Hey.”
I settle on casual and vague despite the pounding in my chest.
“You were supposed to call me when you made it there safely. I was worried.”
Tess sounds stressed and I feel like a dick. I’m not sure how to talk to her now. So many things are running through my mind, and for the first time, I’m nervous.
I sigh. “I’m fine. I got here too late and missed the game. Mack’s new boyfriend apparently kicked his ass for me, but I’m not sure that’s gonna settle it.” A knife with a wooden handle catches my eye. I know first hand how much it sucks to get stabbed.
“Please don’t do anything stupid,” she breathes. She sounds off, more than just tired.
I smile. “Have you been doing a little drinking?”
There’s a ruffling in the background. “I had drinks with Sloan.”
I drop the knife in the drawer with a clang as my heart sinks. I’d almost forgotten all about Sloan. The notion of her accepting my proposal vanished almost as quickly as I said the words. With a quick look around, I make sure I didn’t wake anyone.
I laugh, trying to keep of the façade of being aloof. “Why?”
“She came to me because she was upset about you.” She sighs. “Apparently I’m her bestie.”
This time when I chuckle, it’s out of pure amusement. Sloan and Tess besties? No fucking way.
Even so, I’m beyond curious what that talked about. “What did she say?”
“She talked about you, dumbass. When you were you going to tell me you proposed marriage to that succubus?”
I grip the back of my neck. “It all happened so fast. I just blurted it out.”
“So, you didn’t really mean it then?”
I remain quiet for a moment. I pick the knife back up and run my finger along the blade. When I said those words, I meant them. I do love Sloan, and I always thought we would end up together. But I’d be blind not to see how much things have changed. We’re different.
I’m different.
“I did.”
More ruffling. I can picture her shoving the fifty comforters she insists on sleeping with onto the floor. “Perry, you can’t marry her.”
“She said no.” My voice is small as I watch a trickle of blood run down my finger.
“What if she changes her mind, like she’s done a million fucking times? Are you going to marry her then?”
“Why not?”
There’s a pause and I hold my breath. I want her to give me the reason I’m hoping for. The one I’m too afraid to ask for.
“Because she’s not the one for you.”
I laugh bitterly. “Oh, yeah. Who else is going to want to deal with all my baggage? Who knows me like she does?”
Tess doesn’t respond. I run the blade under the sink and toss it back in the drawer. Murder would be fun, but Zander’s right. Mack needs me and so does Tess.
“Bishop? You still there?”
It goes another beat. “Sloan is asleep on my coach.”
I laugh again. “What I wouldn’t do to be there for that epic sleepover.”
“She’s leaving the morning you get back from Cornell to go to a medical conference with Johnny. She said she’ll have her answer by the time she gets back.”
My head is starting to spin. I take a seat on the chair at the small table.
“So, she might say yes?”
“She might.”
“And you think it’s a bad idea?”
Tess laughs. “It’s been a bad idea since the moment you met her. This is on you. I can’t make this decision for you.”
Her response it expected. Tess would never tell me to leave Sloan if she felt like it’s what I wanted. Her support for my happiness has always been as unwavering as mine was for hers. A part of me wonders if we both sacrificed our hearts when we didn’t need to. That all of this pain could have been prevented if we’d been a little more selfish.
I drag my hand down my face, exhaustion taking over. “Okay, looks like I have a week to decide if I should really go through with it or leave Sloan once and for all.”
“It will be just you and me next week,” Tess says in a small voice. “Plenty of time to talk about things—see how you’re feeling and stuff.”
“I don’t deserve you, Bishop.”
I can’t see her right now, but I picture her smiling. Those pale blue eyes against the deep, dark hair. She holds me with her smile. No matter what the situation, I always feel better. Like everything just might turn out okay.
Please let it be okay.
“Get some sleep,” I say. “I’ll see you in two days.”
“Perry, promise you’ll come back,” she sa
ys, a thickness in her voice that wasn’t there before. “I can’t lose you again.”
I fight through my own emotion, clearing my throat. “I won’t do anything that could separate us. I promise.”
“Okay.” She pauses and then adds, “I love you, Perry.”
I smile. “And I love you.”
I found Mack’s boyfriend slumped outside her door the next morning. Poor bastard. I’ve been there more times then I’d like to admit. We had a nice chat and I’ve decided I like him—for now. One fuck up and he’s as good as gone. I’m done with second chances, especially when it comes to Mack.
Before I leave, I make a quick stop at a garage in the shadier part of town. Judah told me about my sister’s car and I met a few guys on the inside who can help. Since Mack is too proud to get her car fixed—even though our fucking dad owns a car dealership, I decided to do it for her. I set it up so she won’t even notice it’s gone.
I get in the car I borrowed from the dealership and take one last look at the apartment building. I see Judah jogging down the stairs. He comes to a stop at my window, so I lower it.
“I tried, man,” he pants. “She won’t talk to me.”
I shake my head. “Give her time. She’s stubborn as fuck.”
Judah laughs. “I know that.” He pauses, eyeing me carefully. “If she won’t let us help, you can get rid of him right?”
This causes me laugh. “One step at a time my friend.” I lean in closer. “And if I told you that, I’d have to kill you too.”
Judah takes a small step back and laughs. “I like you, man. Can’t ever tell if you’re really serious or not, but I like you.”
“I like you too,” I say. I take a long drag. “Take care of my sister. I’ll be seeing you around.”
He nods and I start to back out of the parking space. With the problem seemingly under control, I know I need to go home and face an even bigger one. I’ve barely thought about Sloan since I left. I think it’s because I already know it’s over between us.
My problem now is accepting what I really want, and finally having the courage to go for it.
28
Thinking Out Loud
Perry- Then
I’m helping Tess pick out her wedding dress today. This is a job usually reserved for the mother of the bride—or girlfriends even, but here I sit in an over-stuffed chair in a room that is stark white and sparkly. Tess’s mom isn’t so much against the wedding, it’s that she feels like she’s too young to settle down. She did just graduate three weeks ago.
So, instead of making a big deal out of it, Walker and Tess are running off to the courthouse and then having a reception at the lake. Actually, it’s kinda perfect for them—and romantic.
I slump lower in my chair, bored as fuck, until the curtain is pulled back. Tess fusses with the length of the white, V-neck dress as she tries to move forward. I choke on my own air. She looks like an angel. Her dark, almost black hair flows in waves to one side and her porcelain skin practically glows in contrast to the dress.
When she finally makes it in front of the floor-length mirrors, she eyes me in the reflection with a shrug. “Well, is it okay?”
I grip the sides of the chair, pushing myself up to stand. I walk over behind her and smile. “You look amazing. Walker will love it.”
She dips her head a little, unable to stare at her own reflection for too long. “There aren’t many choices in my price range and I have to get something off the rack.” She turns back to me, uncertainty in her eyes. “Should we wait? I mean, are we rushing into this?”
Her question catches me off guard. I mean—sure, I agree they’re young and should probably wait a little longer so that they can be stable, but I know how much they love each other and if I’ve learned anything over this past year, it’s that life is short. We never really know how much time we have left and I know I would want to spend it with the person who meant the most to me.
So, instead of giving her an answer, I gently turn her around toward me. I place my hands on her shoulders. “Do you love him?”
She nods.
“Then that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter how you do it or when, it matters that you both feel confident enough in your feelings to take this step.” She smiles wider and so do I.
Turning back around to the mirror, she inhales an unsteady breath. “Okay, this is the one.”
It’s a bittersweet moment for me. I want Tess to have all the happiness in the world because I can’t think of a single person who deserves it more than her, but selfishly, I feel like I’m losing her too. She won’t be up late on the roof of her garage talking to me until we can barely keep our eyes open anymore. She’ll be with her husband, at their home, starting her new life. I’ll still be in a tumultuous relationship with Sloan, waiting for the day she decides that I just might be good enough to spend her life with.
If that day ever comes.
The reception is nothing fancy, and it doesn’t need to be. We’re here to celebrate a love that started and will hopefully continue to grow here. It’s already after nine, but there are no signs of the party winding down. The best part about getting married so young is that most of your friends are still around. The older you get, the farther people tend drift apart.
Sloan’s been uncharacteristically quiet most of the evening. We haven’t broken up in a couple months and I was hoping we were finally past that fucked up stage in our relationship. Her demeanor tonight suggests otherwise.
I throw my arm around her shoulder and kiss her temple before whispering in her ear, “Take a walk with me?”
She tilts her head back up me and nods. I take her hand and lead her through the yard down by the lake. There’s a trail that runs along the perimeter that is lit by small pole lights.
I give her hand a squeeze. “You okay? You seem quiet.”
She keeps her eyes forward as our feet crunch along the gravel. “Can you see us doing this?” she asks.
I laugh. “What? Get married?”
“Yes.”
“Of course, baby. I love you.”
When I glance over at her, the expression of her face is clouded in sadness. “I love you, too. But, I’m not sure that I can.”
My eyebrows knit together and I pull her to a stop. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
She pulls her hand from mine and shrugs. “I don’t know, it’s just something I feel. I can’t picture what a future would look like for us.”
Her words make me instantly angry. “Then what are we doing? Why are we even together if you can’t see a future with me?”
“I can’t let you go.”
I laugh bitterly, running a hand through my hair. “You can’t let me go, and yet, you don’t see yourself spending your life with me? That’s so fucked up.”
Sloan lets out a harsh laugh of her own. “God, Perry. What do you expect from me? You’re basically a drug dealer. Sure, you work for your dad, but what kind of life would that be for us? I wait at home every night just praying you don’t get stabbed again, or get arrested, or worse…”
Her voice trails off and she turns away from me, covering her mouth with her hand. I sigh and wrap my arms around her from behind, resting my chin on her shoulder.
“It won’t be like this forever,” I say softly. She scoffs, but I keep going. “I have to finish what we started and then I can walk away. I’m going to work with Walker, doing tattoos and stuff. Maybe I’ll even go to college. Who knows?”
She turns around in my arms. The look she gives me is one I’ve seen too many times to count. I know what’s coming.
“We’re not in high school anymore. You may think I was acting like a bitch all those times I pushed you to do more, to be the person I knew you could be, but I wasn’t. I know that can’t be my life and I wanted you in it.”
The only person I can blame for her reaction is myself. I knew that going along with this whole thing when Jeremy first suggested it was wrong, and I knew when Walker want
ed to take it further that it was even worse. It was always a choice I had. In the end, I didn’t choose Sloan. I think I knew that all along.
I swallow hard. “So, that’s it then? You want to end this now instead of dragging something out that isn’t going to last anyway?”
She wraps her arms around herself, keeping her distance from me. “I don’t know what else to do.”
I nod firmly. “Fine. If that’s what you want, I won’t beg you to stay.” I take a step closer. “But don’t ruin this evening for them. We’re going to walk back up there and pretend like everything is perfect.”
“Okay,” she says in a small voice.
I grab her hand even though I really don’t want to. As angry as I am at her right now, I’m more angry at myself. I let this happen and now I have to deal with consequences.
When we make it back to the party, Sloan excuses herself to use the bathroom and I find Tess chatting with a few friends from school. I walk up beside her and grab her hand.
“Sorry,” I say to the girls she’s standing with. “I didn’t get a chance to dance with the bride yet.”
Tess smiles as I pull her away from the crowd. “Is there even a slow song playing right now?”
I spin her around once and pull her against my chest. “Does it even matter?”
She laughs, wrapping her arms around my neck. “No, it really doesn’t.”
We sway along for a moment, and I can’t even tell you the song that is actually playing. I’m just happy to have this time with her away from everyone else. I’m usually pretty good at hiding my emotions from everyone, but she senses my mood immediately. She looks at me with those big, blue eyes.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m perfect,” I say with a smile.
