Changeless

by Gail Carriger

Page 35

 

  Only to find Tunstell kissing Miss Hisselpenny, who was apparently wide awake and participating with gusto. Right there in front of everyone.

  “Well, I say!” said Alexia. She had not thought Ivy possessed that degree of gumption. Apparently, she was finding Tunstell’s kisses less damp than she had previously.

  Felicity blinked awake, probably desirous to see what had pulled everyone’s attention so thoroughly away from her own prostrate form. She caught sight of the embrace and gasped, joining Alexia in amazement. “Why, Mr. Tunstell, what are you doing?”

  “That should be perfectly clear, even to you, Miss Loontwill,” Lady Kingair snapped, not nearly so scandalized as she ought.

  “Well,” said Alexia, “I take it you are feeling more the thing?”

  No one answered her. Ivy was still occupied with kissing Tunstell. It appeared there might even be tongue involved at this juncture. And Felicity was still occupied watching them with all the good-humored interest of an irritated chicken.

  The touching scene was broken by Lord Maccon’s fantastically loud yell, which welled suddenly forth from the downstairs front parlor. It was not one of his angry yells either. Lady Maccon would hardly have bestirred herself for one of those. No, this yell sounded like pain.

  Alexia was out the door and galloping pell-mell down the staircase, heedless of the very real danger to her delicate apparel, waving her parasol about madly.

  She crashed into the parlor door, which refused to budge. Something heavy was blocking it. She heaved against it desperately, finally shoving it open far enough to find that it was her husband’s fallen body that blocked her entrance.

  She bent over him, checking for injuries. She could find none on his back, so with prodigious effort, she rolled him over, checking his front. He was breathing slowly and laboriously, as though drugged.

  Alexia paused, frowning suspiciously at her parasol, lying near her at the ready. The tip opens and emits a poisoned dart equipped with a numbing agent, she heard Madame Lefoux’s voice say in her head. How easy, then, would it be to create a sleeping agent? A quick glance about the room showed Madame Lefoux was still unconscious but otherwise undamaged.

  Lady Kingair, Dubh, and Lachlan appeared at the door. Lady Maccon held up a hand indicating she was not to be disturbed and stripped her husband bare to the waist, examining him more closely, not for injuries but for… aha!

  “There it is. ” A small puncture wound just below his left shoulder.

  She pushed her way through the crowd at the door and yelled up the stairs, “Tunstell, you revolting blighter!” In Woolsey Castle, such affectionate terminology for the claviger meant for him to come quickly, and come armed. Lord Maccon’s idea.

  She turned back into the room and marched over to the prone form of Madame Lefoux. “If this is your fault,” she hissed to the still-apparently-comatose woman, “I shall see you hanged as a spy; you see if I don’t. ” Heedless of the others listening and watching in avid interest, she added, “And you know very well I have the power to do so. ”

  Madame Lefoux lay as still as death.

  Tunstell muscled his way into the room and immediately bent over his fallen master, reaching to check his breath.

  “He is alive. ”

  “Barely,” replied Alexia. “Where did you—”

  “What has happened?” interrupted Lady Kingair impatiently.

  “He has been put to sleep, some kind of poisoned dart. Tincture of valerian perhaps,” explained Lady Maccon without looking up.

  “Goodness, how remarkable. ”

  “Woman’s weapon, poison. ” Dubh sniffed.

  “I beg your pardon!” replied Lady Maccon. “None of that, or you shall meet the blunt end of my preferred weapon, and let me assure you, it isn’t poison. ”

  Dubh wisely beat a retreat to avoid offending the lady further.

  “You will have to leave off your tender ministrations of Miss Hisselpenny’s delicate constitution for the moment, Tunstell. ” Lady Maccon stood and strode purposefully to the door. “If you will excuse us,” she said to the assembled Kingair Pack. Then she shut them firmly out of their own front parlor. Terribly rude, of course, but sometimes circumstances required rudeness, and there was simply nothing else for it. Luckily, under such circumstances, Alexia Maccon was always equal to the task.

  She proceeded on to another unpardonably rude offense. Leaving Tunstell to see her husband comfortable—which he did by dragging the earl’s massive frame over to another small couch, then folding him onto it before covering him with a large plaid blanket—Lady Maccon marched over and began stripping Madame Lefoux of her garments.

  Tunstell did not ask, only turned his head away and tried not to look.

  Alexia did this carefully, feeling about and checking every layer and fold for hidden gadgets and possible weapons. The Frenchwoman did not stir, although Alexia could have sworn the woman’s breath quickened. By the end, Alexia had a fine pile of objects, some of them familiar: a pair of glassicals, an aether transponder cable, an encephalic valve, but most of them unknown to her. She knew Madame Lefoux normally boasted a dart emitter, because she’d said she used it during the fight on board the dirigible. But none of the objects in the pile looked to be such a device, even disguised as something else. Had it been stolen? Or had Madame Lefoux used it on Conall and then contrived to hide it somewhere else?

  Lady Maccon slid her hands under the sleeping woman. Nothing there. Then she tucked them down Madame Lefoux’s side where it rested against the back of the settee. Still nothing. Then she looked under and behind the couch. If the inventor had hidden it, she had done so quite thoroughly.

  With a sigh, Lady Maccon set about putting the Frenchwoman’s clothing back together again. It was odd to think, but she had never before seen another woman’s naked body until now. She must admit Madame Lefoux did have a rather nice one. Not so well endowed as Alexia’s own, of course, but trim and tidy with neat small breasts. It was a good thing the inventor opted for masculine garb, she reflected, as it was much easier to manage. Once the task was completed, Lady Maccon’s hands were trembling slightly—from embarrassment, of course.

  “Keep a close eye on her, Tunstell. I shall return directly. ” With that, Lady Maccon stood and marched out of the room, shutting the door behind her and ignoring the Kingair Pack, still milling about confusedly in the vestibule. She went immediately upstairs and inside her bedchamber. Angelique was already there, rummaging about.

  “Out,” she said to the maid.

  Angelique bobbed a curtsy and scurried away.

  Lady Maccon went directly to the window and, standing on tiptoe, reached around for Conall’s precious little oiled leather package. It was well beyond her reach, stashed behind a jutting brick. Impatient, she balanced on the sill precariously, bemoaning her overly skirted state, bustle squeezing up tight against the side of the window. Despite the hazardous position, she managed to grab hold of the package without mishap.

  Unwrapping the little weapon, she stashed it under her ridiculous lace cap, nested among her copious dark curls, and marched on to Ivy’s room to retrieve her dispatch case.

  Ivy was lying in half-faint, half-flutter on her bed.

  “Oh, Alexia, thank goodness. What am I to do? This is such a terrible crisis of apex proportions. Such palpitations of the heart. Did you see? Oh, of course you saw. He kissed me, right there in public. I am ruined!” She sat up. “Yet I love him. ” She flopped back. “Yet I am ruined. Oh, woe is me. ”

  “Did you actually just utter the phrase ‘woe is me’? I’m just going to, uh, check on those socks. ”

  Miss Hisselpenny was not to be distracted from her majestic problems. The removal of the dispatch case, not to mention her friend’s militant expression, went unnoticed.

  “He told me he would love me forever. ”

  Lady Maccon flipped through the various stac
ks of papers and rolls of parchments inside her case, looking for her muhjah letter of marque. Where had she put the bedamned thing?

  “He said that this was the true, the one, the only. ”

  Lady Maccon gave a noncommittal murmur at that. What else could one say to such folderol?

  Miss Hisselpenny, unconcerned by a lack of response, continued to bemoan her fate. “And I love him. I really and truly do. You could never understand this type of love, Alexia. Not such true love as ours. Marrying for practical gain is all very well and good, but this… this is the real thing. ”

  Lacy Maccon tilted her head in sham surprise. “Is that what I did?”

  Ivy continued without acknowledgment. “But we cannot possibly marry. ”

  Alexia continued to rummage. “Mmm, no, I see that. ”

  That made Miss Hisselpenny sit up and look daggers down at her friend. “Really, Alexia, you are not being even remotely helpful. ”

  Lady Maccon remembered she had transferred her most important papers to her parasol after the first break-in and quickly snapped the dispatch case shut, locked it, and tucked it back behind Ivy’s stack of hatboxes.

  “Ivy, my dear, I am terribly sympathetic to your plight. Honestly, I am, most sincerely. But you must excuse me. Necessity demands I handle a situation downstairs rather hurriedly. ”

  Miss Hisselpenny flopped back onto the bed, hand to her head. “Oh, what kind of friend are you, Alexia Maccon? Here I lie, in crisis and abject suffering. This is the worst evening of my whole life, you realize? And you care only for your husband’s lucky socks!” She flipped over and buried her head in the pillow.

  Alexia departed the room before Ivy could come up with further histrionics.

  Most of the pack still stood outside the parlor door, looking confused. Alexia glared at them with her best Lady Maccon glare, opened the door, and shut it once more in their faces.

  She handed the gun to Tunstell, who took it but swallowed nervously.

  “You know what this is?”

  He nodded. “Tue Tue Sundowner. But why would I need it? There are no vampires here, or werewolves for that matter. Not with the way things currently stand. ”

  “They are not going to stand like this for much longer, not if I have anything to say about it. Poison does not work on a werewolf, and I intend to see my husband wide awake sooner than it would take for that stuff, whatever it may be, to run its course through a human system. Besides, that deadly little gun will work just as well on daylight folk. Are you authorized to use it?”

  Tunstell shook his head slowly. His freckles stood out starkly on his white face.

  “Well, you are now. ”

  Tunstell looked like he would like to argue the point. Sundowner was a BUR position. Technically the muhjah had no real say in the matter. But his mistress was looking dreadfully belligerent, and he had no wish to try her patience.

  She pointed an autocratic finger at him. “No one is to come in or out of this room. No one, Tunstell. No staff, no pack, no claviger, not even Miss Hisselpenny. Speaking of which, I really must insist you refrain from embracing her in public. It is most discomforting to watch. ” Her nose wrinkled slightly.

  Tunstell flushed at that, his freckles fading under the red, but he kept to the main point. “What are you going to do now, my lady?”

  Lady Maccon glanced up at the grandfather clock ticking sonorously in the corner of the room. “Send an aetherogram, and soon. This is all getting terribly out of hand. ”

  “To whom?”

  She shook her head, hair falling down now that she wore no cap. “Just you do your job, Tunstell, and let me do mine. I will want to know immediately if either of them awaken or worsen. Understood?”

  The redhead nodded.

  She scooped up the large pile of Madame Lefoux’s gadgets, stuffing them into her lace cap as a kind of bag. Her hair was loose about her face, but sometimes one must sacrifice appearance to cope with trying circumstances. Grasping the cap of booty in one hand and her parasol in the other, she exited the parlor, pulling the door firmly closed with her foot.

  “I am afraid I must inform you, Lady Kingair, that no one is to go in or out of that room, including yourself, for the foreseeable future. I have left Tunstell exceedingly well armed and with strict instructions to fire on any who attempt to enter. You would not want to test his obedience to me, now, would you?”

  “Under whose authority have you done this? The earl’s?” Lady Kingair was shocked.

  “My husband has become”—Alexia paused—“indisposed at the moment. So, no, this is no longer a BUR matter. I have taken it under my own jurisdiction. I have tolerated this shilly-shallying and hedging of yours long enough. I have pandered to your pack problems and your pack ways, but this is outside of enough. I want this plague of humanization lifted, and I want it lifted now. I will not have anyone else shot at, or attacked, or spied upon, or any further rooms ransacked. Things are getting far too messy, and I cannot abide a mess. ”