by Lucy Gage
xo Neil
PS Read the letter. I know you haven’t yet.
Meg had to laugh. He’d only truly known her for a week and he’d already figured out her weaknesses. Half her relationship failures were directly related to her resistance to let anyone in enough for them to know her. She had an hour before her next client arrived, so she shut her office door and took out the letter she had been keeping in her purse since Neil handed it to her at the airport.
Dear Meghan,
How many days did it take you to open this? I’m guessing at least three. Either that or you waited for me to remind you to do it. You’re surprised I know you so well already, aren’t you? I can see you smiling. And I do know you. I know how you like to pretend you’re so rough and mean, but really, you’re sweet and so very soft. I always saw that in you.
I can’t believe you remember that day in the gym lobby. I’ve never forgotten it, either. You were so sincere and so sweet, it made me like you even more than I already did. I knew I’d seen the real you that day, and I felt privileged that you would let me in like that.
When I saw you walking down the hall just before Danny and Charlie’s wedding, I almost stopped breathing, because you were even more beautiful than I remembered. I smiled when I realized that the stilts you were wearing made you taller than me. I thought, “I bet she doesn’t date guys who can’t let her wear high heels.” That’s why I teased you when I asked you to dance later. It got you to laugh. And, oh, do I love to hear you laugh. I wanted to keep making you laugh all night long, just so I’d have something good to hear in my head while I was gone.
And then you let me kiss you. And you let me touch you. And I thought I’d died and gone to heaven, because I’d wanted to do those things for the better part of a decade. You probably don’t remember that much from after the reception – you were good and drunk. But you let me be with you, and I had to take what I could get. I didn’t think I’d ever have anything more than that, and it would be enough for where I was going.
I was so glad you were willing to try again in the morning, and when I disappointed both you and myself the first go round, I feared I’d pushed things too far. I don’t know why you changed your mind, but I am so glad you did. You stole my heart then, and I wanted to make sure you didn’t regret giving me another chance.
I didn’t expect it to be intense and perfect this week. I didn’t expect to feel such love for you when I left. I thought we’d make some nice memories to fill the nights while I was in Afghanistan and that would be it. But it was so much more than that.
When you said you loved me the first time, my heart soared. It had never felt so full. I meant it when I said I love you, too. I do. So, so much. There is no better gift to take with me.
I promise you, I will do whatever it takes to come back to you, Meghan. I want to spend my life with you, if you’ll let me. When I come back, I’m going to ask.
In the meantime, know that I will love you, always, and that you gave me a perfect week of memories to take with me. I hope it will help sustain you while we’re apart. I know it will help me.
I love you.
Always,
Neil
Meg kept wiping her eyes every few seconds because she couldn’t see through the tears to read the letter. Why, that day in the gym lobby, she had let him see who she really was inside the smart ass exterior she had been projecting for years, she couldn’t say. But he had understood and had appreciated it. And given how that one day had impacted the rest of her life, to know the circle was complete was so powerful. How many times over the years had she thought about him? To be given a gift like that, to have found him again, to have fallen in love with him without even knowing he was the one person she’d wondered about her whole adult life…anyone who’d experienced this kind of thing and didn’t believe in the existence of a higher power was a cynic at heart.
She loved that Neil knew, instinctively, that she adored her heels and wouldn’t date anyone who wasn’t man enough to be okay with her being taller than him. Toby Hill had been that kind of guy, and it was a big part of why Meg didn’t usually date guys who were less than 5′11″ else she had to skip wearing her two favorite pairs of shoes, which were five-inch stilettos.
She remembered that Neil had come up to her at the reception and said, “I’d ask you if you want to dance, but I’m probably too short for you.” She’d laughed and couldn’t say no to the sexy man in the uniform, despite her aversion to beefcake. And he had been a good dancer. It wasn’t awkward at all, being a little taller than him because it allowed them to dance cheek to cheek and she could feel that scruff on his face, which made him all the more delicious.
She had to take a break from reading the letter when she read the part where he said he wanted to spend his life with her. Because she knew exactly what he meant, and it made her break down in tears.
After Toby Hill, all her relationships had been about one thing: sex. With the exception of Nico, every guy she’d ever dated wanted one thing and one thing alone – not that she gave it to them, but that had been their goal. No, Nico had been the exception, but even with him, the reason they’d stayed together so long had been their sexual compatibility. At least, that had been her reason. His love for her hadn’t been enough to sustain them both.
But other than Nico, love never entered the picture. At first, it had been bad judgment on her part. She picked guys who didn’t look like Toby so that she’d avoid the douchebags, but appearances didn’t reveal which guys only wanted to get between your legs and nothing else.
What was it Gail used to say to Emily? Don’t confuse sex for love. No, Meg never did that after Toby. She took charge and she took what she wanted if and when she wanted it. She had sex on her own terms and didn’t worry too much about it being more. After all, she’d made the mistake of giving Toby her heart and he’d crushed it before he trashed her reputation.
Then she met Neil. Or re-met him, discovered the man of her dreams inside a sweet, geeky boy she’d vaguely known in high school, the boy who had changed her life, who had never really left her mind, who had captured her heart. Adult Neil, the supposed antithesis of what she had imagined when she thought about her ideal man – basically anyone unlike brawny Toby – exactly, perfectly embodied all she had ever wanted. She stopped listening to the stupid voice in her head that judged the book by its cover as being unfit for consumption and when she did, she found the best novel she’d ever read.
For now, that book had to be returned to the library. It only belonged to her in her mind and in her heart. But, God willing – and she was a big proponent of the man upstairs these days – Neil would come home in nine months and that book would become a permanent part of her collection, the only one worth reading ever again.
He’d revealed his intentions in the letter so that she could read it whenever the sadness overwhelmed her and she missed him. So she would know his heart was hers, that he would be coming home to her and planned to ask her to marry him when he did.
It could be enough. It had to be enough. Because right now, no matter what he wished, he couldn’t give her anything more.
**********
Later that day, her phone blared Queen’s You’re My Best Friend, which indicated Emily. The melancholy from missing Neil weighed heavily on her mind, so Meg took a deep breath first, to steady herself, and then answered the phone, trying to be cheerful.
“Hey there, Emma Bean.”
“Hi, Meggie. How was the conference?”
Oh, right, the conference. She had only attended her presentation, the dinner and the panel, so she couldn’t really say for sure.
“Uh, fine as conferences go.”
“Have you talked to anyone since you came home?”
You mean outside my clients who are my livelihood?
“Nope. Been too busy. Why? Is there another bomb that was dropped and I was left out of the loop?”
“Nothing dropped yet, but there is news…”
“Okay. And th
at would be…?”
She heard Emily take a deep breath. “I’m engaged.”
“No friggin’ way! When did that happen?”
“After the wedding. It’s not about Annie and Josh.”
“Why would it be about them? Like you’d ever get engaged to spite your sister.”
Annie, on the other hand, would do just that.
“Right. You know me better than anyone. We’re keeping it hush-hush for now. Mostly so that we can keep the stupid photographers from bugging us more. We were staying with Nina all last week to avoid them.”
“We? We who?”
Emily explained how she, Rob, and their bodyguard, Liam, had bunked at Nina’s house. Apparently, her cousin and Liam were hot and heavy, which Meg hoped made Nina happy. She deserved it.
Her best friend went on to reveal that they’d also bought a house in Harpswell – a former inn – using Nina as their Realtor. Though her newfound financial status had thrown Em for a loop, being engaged suited her just fine.
“Who’d have thought, when you reamed Josh a new one because he implied you should get married after five years together, that you’d be engaged less than a year later.”
“Not me, that’s for sure. I thought I’d be like you and stay married to my career, become a single lady again, rack up some new sexual partners or something. Not that I’ll ever catch up to you!”
Silent, Meg thought, That’s how men always saw me too. Except Neil. She should explain to her best friend about meeting the love of her life, that he’d leave soon for a war zone and she feared she’d lose him.
But the comment, though free of malice, bothered her.
Em had remarked the same thing numerous times over the years and Meg knew her best friend meant no judgment. Though Meg had certainly been with more men than she had, Em knew the real score. Truthfully, it had always been a joke between them, that Meg had been with countless men. But the joke fell flat now that Meg had someone important and special in her life.
Someone who meant the world to her.
Em sensed her unease. “I was just teasing, Meggie.”
“Oh, I know. Sorry. Got distracted by an incoming email,” she lied. “Look, I have to go. I have a client coming soon and I need to answer this email.”
“Sure. No problem. We’re signing papers for the house on Friday morning at Nin’s office and then we leave for Minnesota for a week. I’ll call you when I get back and we can get together to celebrate. Sound good?”
“Sounds great. Congratulations, Emma Bean. This has been a big year for you.”
“Thanks, Meggie. You’ve been a rock. I love you.”
“Love you, too.”
She hung up and dropped her head into her hands. She never, ever kept things from Emily. They had shared everything their whole lives. And yet, she couldn’t share this. Neither Neil nor her feelings about him brought any shame, quite the contrary. But she thought that if she told Em she’d get the expected reaction – disbelief that Meg wanted to settle down – and Meg had no idea if she could handle it, knowing that Neil’s life would be in danger and her best friend couldn’t even take her feelings for him seriously.
She called up the email Neil sent her earlier and crafted a reply.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
Re: RE: Skype schedule
Hey there, sexy. I miss you. I’m looking at the clock and wondering how much scruff is on your face right now. I wish I could rub my palm against it. Then you’d be here.
I really wish you were here.
I read the letter. You were right. I waited until you reminded me. Not that I forgot; I couldn’t bear to read it yet, just in case you were planning to tell me you’d changed your mind about wanting me to wait for you. Turns out, not so much, huh? I’d ask if you mean it, but I know you do. And I’ll be sitting right here, waiting for that day to come. I love you, Neil. Be safe, okay? I’m praying for you, every day.
I love you,
Always,
Meg
PS What’s the J for?
She closed her email and shut down her computer. Thankfully, she had lied to Em about the client. At the moment, being someone else’s ear would be impossible when she needed to talk to someone herself.
For some reason, even though she couldn’t talk to Emily, she felt like she might be able to confide in Charlie.
“Meggie! What’s happening, sister?”
“Hiya, Charlie Brown. You busy?”
“For you? I can take a break. What’s wrong?”
“Is it that obvious?”
“This is me you’re talking to, of course it’s that obvious. Em too involved in being blissfully happy to get that you’re down?”
“Something like that. Can I tell you a secret?”
“Always. Something juicy?” Charlie loved hearing gossip, but she never spread it. She’d make a good spy.
“Yeah. I guess. You know Neil?”
“Neil? Dan’s best friend Neil? Neil Murphy, he of the big muscles and sexy uniform?”
Smiling, she said, “Right. That Neil.”
“Well, of course. I’ve known him since he was six. Did you hook up with him at the wedding?” she asked, sounding excited.
“I did.”
“And…? Is he a god in bed? I always thought he would be.”
Meg laughed. “Charlie, you just got married!”
“So! I’m not dead. And Dan knows I think Neil is hot. You think he didn’t see me drooling after his best friend as soon as Neil came home from basic training? He left a scrawny little boy and he came back a hot, beefy man. Who wouldn’t drool?”
Meg had to admit, she’d have done the same in Charlie’s shoes. She drooled when she thought about him now, though that reflected how she felt about him and what she knew he could do to her.
“Yes, he’s definitely drool-worthy. And he has skills.”
“But? I hear a but.”
“No but. It’s just…he came home with me last week.”
“After the wedding? What, for the night?”
“No, Charlie, he stayed with me all week.”
“I thought you were going to a conference?”
“Uh, sort of. It was in Portland and I only had a few things that were required of me. I lied to avoid dealing with the Wicked Witch.”
“Oh, well, probably a good thing; she was on a tear between Annie’s engagement and Em encouraging Rob to crash the wedding. So…what happened with Neil? I thought Dan said he went back to California to ship overseas.”
“He did. He left Sunday morning.” Meg felt her voice break.
“Oh, Meggie, you really like him.”
She sniffed. “Yeah, it’s a little more complicated than that.”
“Don’t tell me you’re in love with him…”
“Mmm. Yes.”
“Aw, Meg! He’ll be gone for what, a year? And even after that, he’s stationed out in California. Who knows where he’ll end up next.”
“He’s gone for nine months. He told me he loves me, Charlie.”
“He did?” Charlie responded with such sincerity, Meg couldn’t help but cry for real. “Oh, Meggie! This is awful! What are you going to do?”
She sniffled and took a deep breath. “I’m waiting for him.”
“Waiting for him? You mean like, waiting-for-him-to-come-back-from-the-war waiting for him? Like going-to-be-celibate-for-the next-year while he’s off fighting?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t mean to sound judgmental, Meg, but are you sure that’s what you want? It’s just…it’s not like you. None of it is.”
“I know. That’s how I know I really love him. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, ever again.”
“Wow. So, this is for real? Permanent? You’re all in?”
“I’m all in. He…wrote me a letter. He told me that he’s going to propose to me when he gets home. And I’m planning to say yes.”
“Oh, my Go
d. You’re serious.”
“I am. He makes me feel worthy of loving and being loved. I’ve never felt that.”
Charlie sounded teary herself. “Meggie, you’re worthy. Don’t ever think you’re not.”
“I know. But no man ever made me feel that way until Neil. I love him. I’m terrified that something will happen to him and I’ll lose the only man I’ve ever loved before I even get a chance to really love him up close.”
“Don’t think that way. Think positive, okay? He’ll be fine.”
Meg sniffed again. “I hope so. I hate this. I hate that he’s gone.”
“He’s in the Army, Meg. It’ll always be like that. He’s planning to be career military. Are you really up for being a military wife?”
“If that’s what it takes, then yes. I’d do it. I’d follow him anywhere. I wish I could follow him now.”
“They don’t let you follow them into a war zone.”
“No, they don’t. But if he was going back to his stateside post, I’d follow him there.”
“Going over there will change him.”
Meg sighed. “I know. We talked about that. I’m a therapist. If I can’t handle it, who can? Besides, he said he’d still love me. That’s what counts.”
“More than anything else, yes. Listen, I have to get back to work. Deadline looming and all that. But you ever need to talk, you call me, okay? I take it you didn’t tell Em yet?”
“No. She’s just…she’s so happy right now, Charlie. And you know she doesn’t mean it to be hurtful, but she thinks of me as the girl with the exciting sex life. She doesn’t quite get that I’m also the girl who never fell in love. I feel like she won’t believe it. I can’t deal with that right now. I’m too worried about Neil to expend any energy trying to justify my feelings for him.”
“Well, you’ll let her know eventually. Give it time. This whole thing is new for her. She’s too wrapped up in her world to see much outside it right now.”
“I know. Thanks for listening, Charlie Brown. It helped.”
“Anytime, Meggie. I’ll talk to you soon.”
They hung up and Meg did feel a little better. At least now she didn’t feel alone, holding her feelings inside so that only she and Neil knew anything about them.
