by Lucy Gage
“So why did you admit it to me? I bet you told Charlie, too.”
“Because you two know Neil. You know he’s not the kind of guy who toys with women. He’d never confess to being in love with me before he headed off to war if he didn’t mean it.”
“We also know he’s had a thing for you since high school. I’m sure it didn’t take much return of affection to make him fall for you.”
“That’s what he said. Why didn’t I notice him before? Why now? When I could lose him?”
Nina shrugged and shook her head. “Do you remember that day, my freshman year, when I found you with him at the gym?”
“Yes. I didn’t know he was the same person until the other day.”
“You’re kidding! What really happened that day, Meggie?”
“Nothing, Nina. No more than what I told you at the time. But I felt…I don’t know, like he could see the real me and not the act. No other guy at school had seen through it. I kept wanting to talk to him again, even though he was a little geeky. He was so sweet.”
“Why didn’t you? God, he’d have been over the moon. He was so infatuated with you.”
“How did you know that?”
“Oh, my God, the boy used to stare at you all the time.”
“I never noticed. I swear. And I watched him after that day.”
“You did not!”
“I did. I wondered about him for years. It never occurred to me that he was Dan’s best friend. I barely knew Dan in high school, and I don’t remember ever seeing Neil with Dan and Charlie later.”
“He always went to Ireland with his mom in the summers. And then in college, he trained for the Army. He went to school in New York and Charlie and I would go down there to see him and Dan.”
“You never dated him? Not once?”
“No, Meggie. Neil is a great guy, but I always see that goofy kid when I’m with him. He looks different, but his personality hasn’t changed. Under those muscles lies the same sweet, geeky boy.”
“He’s amazing,” she whispered, her heart in her throat.
Nina hugged her. “He is. Try to hold on, okay? It’ll be a long, hard year. You need to brace yourself for that. And you need to tell Em.”
Meg sighed. “I know. Just, not yet, okay? Maybe once I know he’s there and he’s safe.”
“It’s your story, not mine. I’ll keep quiet. But don’t wait too long to tell her. It will only get harder to keep it from her. Look, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.”
They hugged again and Nina left. As soon as she shut the door, Meg burst into tears, hating that she’d kept something so big from Em.
And yet, she could not convince herself to reveal the truth. No amount of guilt could seem to change her mind.
**********
Every day, Meg came home and gingerly touched the box that had arrived on Tuesday from UPS. It had Neil’s neat handwriting on it, spelling out her name and address. The return address listed his post in California. She couldn’t say why she’d hesitated to open the box, but she had.
Finally, on Friday night, she sat on the sofa with a glass of wine and steadied herself, then she sliced open the seal on the box with a pair of scissors, cutting through his careful lettering of her name.
She lifted the flaps of the brown box and inside, under the packing paper, she found a note on top of a small stack of letters and a black t-shirt. When she opened the note, a cobalt blue guitar pick fell out. The note said:
Hey, beautiful. This was a last-minute addition to the box. Check the flash drive. When I get home, give me this guitar pick and I’ll play it for you in person. I love you.
Always,
Neil
Meg looked under the letters, and there, on top of the t-shirt, sat a cobalt blue flash drive. She shook her head, smiling at his sweetness.
She set the flash drive aside so she could check it after she had perused the rest of the box’s contents. She placed the letters on the coffee table next to the flash drive and then removed the t-shirt. It smelled like Neil. He had sent her one of his shirts. Meg steadied herself and opened the top letter on the stack. It read:
Meghan,
I’m sitting on the plane to California, thinking about you. I wanted to tell you how much I love you again. Can I tell you that every day? How can I tell you that every day? So I’ll write to you, every single day, and tell you I love you. The post is really slow overseas, so I won’t mail them each day. Instead, I’ll send them in groups, a week or two at a time.
So, here I am, missing you, thinking about when I first saw you. In 9th grade, Danny met Emily at the library during the summer, and when he saw her at school that fall – remember, he’s a year ahead of me – all he could do was talk about her. We went to a football game and she was there with you, standing near the fence, checking out the football players. Though Danny pointed her out to me, only the girl standing next to her made any impact. Even then, you were beautiful. I remember thinking that your tan skin, brown hair and brown eyes looked sun-kissed, as if you belonged on some Hawaiian island rather than in Maine. I spent that whole school year looking for you wherever I could. Every time I saw you, my heart raced.
Every day, I’ll think about your tan skin, how soft it is under my fingers. How it flushes unevenly when you’re aroused. How your brow and your upper lip perspire just a little when you orgasm. It’s sexy, don’t be self conscious. I know you, you’re sitting there, blushing. I love it. I love all of it. So, tonight, when I go to bed, I’ll think about you and your skin and how much I miss touching it and touching you.
Don’t forget me while I’m away. Promise? I’ll make it hard for you. I’ll write all the time and keep myself in your mind.
I love you, Meghan.
Always,
Neil
Meg sobbed the whole time she read the letter. The letters in the stack followed a pattern. First, he replayed a memory he had of her from his youth, then he’d share something he’d remember about her from their week together: the feel of her hair in his fingers, the way she smelled of strawberries when she came out of the shower, the curve of her back as it transitioned to her butt, the dexterity of her toes, the way her laugh warmed his insides. He implored her not to forget him, signed that he loved her, always.
By the time she had read every letter, twice, Meg didn’t think she could cry anymore, she had cried so much.
She glimpsed the flash drive on the coffee table, then picked up the drive, the t-shirt and the stack of letters and carried them all to her office. As she powered up her computer, she inhaled Neil’s scent from the shirt and smiled. The masculine fragrance of man and a sporty deodorant – with just a little bit of a laundry soap smell underneath – evoked memories of burying her face in his neck. When she inserted the flash drive into the USB port, Meg clicked yes on the autoplay menu.
She couldn’t have been prepared for what she saw and heard.
Sitting on his bed in a black knit shirt and boxers, Neil looked like he had in their Skype call, the shirt identical to the one from the box. In his hands rested an acoustic guitar, his fingers holding the cobalt blue guitar pick he had sent her. His deep voice said, “This is for you, Meghan,” and then he played and sang the entirety of All I Want Is You.
Neil’s voice, beautiful, strong, clear and melodic, soothed her aching soul in a way nothing else could have. By the end of the song, her eyes had blurred with tears. He said, “I’ll sing it for you in person when I get home. Give me the guitar pick then. I’ll count the days until I can see you again. I love you, Meghan.” Fade to black.
She watched it at least a half-dozen more times. What a precious gift from the sweetest, most thoughtful man she’d ever met. That kind boy had grown into an even better man. He would be the ruin of her, would make her fall so deeply in love with him over these letters and messages that she could never live without him. A modern version of a traditional wartime affair over love letters, rendered in vivid hues as a multi-media maelstrom. Ho
w could she help but be swept away by it?
It hit every secretly romantic bone in her body just right.
She took out a pen and her favorite stationery, a heavy, cream paper with cobalt-blue flowering vines snaking around the outside border, and she began to write.
Dear Neil,
You are too much. I don’t deserve you. I finally opened the box. You knew it would take me nearly a week, didn’t you? I was afraid of what might be in there. I thought maybe you’d be sending me a Dear Jane letter or something. But you didn’t; you sent me love letters. Did you know I always wanted someone to send me love letters? They were so beautiful.
I had no idea you had so many memories of me. I wish I had as many memories of you from the past. But I don’t. I wish I knew you better then. Because how many years might I have loved you before this? I don’t know. All I know is that I wanted someone to love me like this and I never thought it would be possible. You make it possible.
And I love you, so very much. I didn’t think I could love you more than when you walked away last Sunday. But I do.
The song was exquisite, Neil. You have such a gorgeous voice and I miss it. Will you sing to me every day when you come home? I want to hear you sing, even if it’s just little snippets in my ear, for only me to hear, like at the wedding – yes, I remember. I bet you sing in the shower, don’t you? I want you to sing for me in the shower while you make love to me, our skin all soapy and slippery.
I miss your skin, too. How it flexes around your muscles, your white butt next to your sexy, tan back and legs, the sweat on your back when you’re making love to me, a dampness that tells me your body temperature is rising. I love that I can make your body temperature rise.
I’ll write to you every day, too. You’re a week ahead of me, so I have some ground to make up. Even if it’s just a little note to tell you I love you, I’ll write, I promise. I won’t forget you. I can’t. You snaked your arms around my heart and I don’t want to break free. I want you to love me forever. Will you? Because I’ll love you forever.
Thank you for the shirt. I’ll sleep with it next to my pillow, in your spot, and try to trick my brain into thinking you’re here. You will be in my dreams, anyway. I love you, Neil. Be careful and stay safe. Come back to me.
Always,
Meg
In her bedroom, she sprayed the letter with her perfume, folded it and started her own stack of letters.
Chapter 21
Emily returned from Minnesota the day before Labor Day. She met Meg for dinner at their favorite Japanese restaurant to toast Emily’s engagement and her new home with some sake and sushi.
Meg arrived first, so she had time to sit and stew while she waited for Emily at the sushi bar. She’d sat for fifteen minutes, thinking about the fact that it had been over two weeks since she’d spoken to Neil. No package of letters, no email in her inbox, no Skype call planned, and Meg worried that it could mean something bad had happened. Yes, he had said it could be a week or two, but that didn’t reduce her concern.
So far, nothing worrisome had appeared on the news, so Meg tried not to freak. She often caught herself biting her nails, and on each occasion, she’d smile, hearing Neil’s voice telling her to stop. By the time Emily arrived at the sushi bar, Meg had chewed her nails to nubs.
Emily arrived, hugged her and sat at the bar. “Hey, Meggie! How have you been?”
Should she give the honest answer? This could be her opening, her chance to come clean about Neil and be up-front with her best friend.
But she couldn’t do it, so she lied.
“Oh, you know, busy.”
“Work got you down? Want to talk about it?”
Point, Emily.
“Uh, well, you know, can’t really divulge and all that.”
“Is that all? No personal issues? I ask because you seemed down lately, and I wondered if Justin had popped up again.”
Em 2, Meg 0.
“No. Nothing to do with Justin. He’s old, old news. If he tried to speak to me again, I’d probably threaten bodily harm. Actually, given that I did threaten him with bodily harm when I dumped his sorry ass, he’ll probably never dare speak to me again. I wouldn’t be surprised if he ran out of a room if he saw me somewhere.”
Emily laughed. “As he should. If I were him, I’d be scared of you, too. You can follow through on those threats. You’ve always been the badass.”
Meg wanted to scream, But I’m not always the badass!
Sometimes, she was the soft marshmallow, easily squished into oblivion. Sure, she could bounce back, usually, but that didn’t mean she didn’t get crushed in the meantime.
And this pain, this ache for Neil, flattened her at the moment.
Had he been blown to bits on some covert op when he arrived? Not knowing crippled her emotionally. Despite the lack of news, she figured when your boyfriend was a Special Ops sniper, you wouldn’t hear the details on his position from Diane Sawyer.
“Meggie, what is wrong? I know something is bothering you. Tell me about it.”
She couldn’t do it. Why is this so hard? Was she afraid to tell her best friend because Emily had such a distinct vision of her personality? Was she afraid to shatter that illusion with the person she had always felt knew her better than anyone? Maybe Meg feared that the girl Em knew had always been a fraud.
Whatever the reason, she couldn’t share with Emily right now. To avoid a strained conversation that would raise red flags, Meg decided to leave, lest Em press Charlie and Nina for answers. She couldn’t handle the fallout while she fed the anxiety about Neil’s safety.
“Look, I have to go. I know we said we’d celebrate tonight, but I have stuff I need to do. Can we take a rain check? Maybe get together some other night this week or next?”
“Yeah, of course,” Emily said, hugging her again. “Meggie, you know you can always tell me anything, right?”
“I know. I have some stuff on my mind. It’ll pass. Congrats, Em. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”
Tossing a twenty on the bar, she waved to her best friend and walked swiftly out of the restaurant. She barely made it out the door before she burst into tears. She couldn’t stand here, crying, in case Emily decided to leave straightaway. Meg crossed Commercial Street, then zigged and zagged through people and streets until she arrived in the parking garage at her waiting car. Collapsing into the driver’s seat of her Honda Accord, she wept until her eyes felt dry.
She did that all the time, lately.
Tempted to call Dan or Charlie and maybe probe whether Dan had heard anything from Neil’s parents, Meg heard an email alert on her phone. She swiped the screen, hoping Neil had finally contacted her, but a picture had come from Emily.
The photo featured Rob and four guys – two who she assumed were his brother and father, one who must be Liam, since he looked like the guy she’d seen with Nina at the wedding, and a dark-skinned man who must be his brother-in-law. All the men stood beside a lake, wearing swim trunks and glistening with water. The message said she hoped the eye candy would cheer Meg up, she’d find a new man soon.
If only Emily knew.
Meg was reaching to stow her phone in her purse when a second email alert sounded. She thought it might be Em again, but just in case, she looked at the phone. Neil. Her heart began to race. It said:
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: I’m alive
Hey, beautiful. I know you’re worried because you haven’t heard from me yet. I’m fine. We’ve been busy getting settled and they just authorized external communication. So, I hope you’re near home, because I can Skype you in one hour. I’ll be praying that you’re there when I call. I miss you. I love you.
xo Neil
She replied quickly so she could get on the road in rush hour traffic and be there in time.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: Thank God!
xo Meg
Finally. She could breathe a sigh of relief. Meg inserted her ear buds and dialed Emily’s number before she started driving out of the garage. Emily picked up at the second ring.
“You okay, Meggie?”
“Yeah, sorry about earlier. I had a lot on my mind. I wasn’t really in a celebratory mood. I promise I’ll try harder next time to bring the confetti instead of the clouds.”
“It’s okay. You can have bad days, too. You know you can tell me if something is wrong, right? I’m here for you. That’s what best friends are for. You were my rock last winter. It’s the least I owe you to do the same if you need it.”
And yet, Meg still couldn’t find the words.
“I know. Thanks. Look, I have to go. I’m in traffic. I’ll call you soon. Say hello to your man for me. Thanks for the eye candy photo.”
“My pleasure. I love you, Meggie.”
“Love you too, Emma Bean.”
If only she could be honest with her best friend about what had bothered her for the last two weeks.
**********
Less than an hour later, Meg anxiously awaited the alert that said she had a Skype call. When it finally came, her heart raced. All of a sudden, he appeared, so handsome with his five o’clock shadow, it made her girl parts tingle.
“Hey, beautiful.” The deep voice warmed her insides.
“Hi there, soldier. You’re looking pretty sexy yourself. How much privacy do you have?”
“Not enough. I miss you.”
“I miss you more. My package came.”
“Did you like it?”
“I loved it. I cried.”
“I wasn’t trying to make you cry. My voice that bad?” he joked. As if he didn’t know he sounded like an angel.
“Your voice is amazing. I’ve listened to the song a dozen times every night since I finally opened the box.”
“Took you most of the week, didn’t it?” She nodded. “I knew it would. You’ll get another one soon. I’m not sure how slow the post will be, but you’ll have a couple weeks worth of letters. And this one will have my mailing address on it.”
