by Lucy Gage
“Good, because I’ve been writing you every day, too.”
“Have you?” He smiled. “I can’t wait to read your letters. You planning to send me any more unmentionables?”
She giggled. “Maybe. I sprayed the letters with my perfume.”
“Good, they’ll smell like you. I carry the bikini picture in my flak jacket so I can have you close to me.”
“As long as I’m not distracting you from your job…”
“I can compartmentalize. Look, I don’t have a lot of time today. There’s a long line of guys who want to call home and talk to wives and kids. Remember what I told you? If you’re worried, call Danny.”
“Okay. I miss you, Neil. I love you, so much.”
“I miss you too, sweetheart. I love you, Meghan. I’ll talk to you again soon.”
“Be careful and stay safe. Come back to me.”
“I promise. Bye.”
She said goodbye and as soon as the call went dark, she cried, both tears of joy that he was okay and she was able to speak to him – to see him, even – and tears of sadness that this was all she had for a long, long time.
Chapter 22
Every couple days, Neil would send her an email, usually short and sweet, to say he loved and missed her. True to his word, a package arrived a week after he’d Skyped with her. Instead of waiting this time, since she knew there would at least be letters inside, she opened it straightaway. Along with a stack of letters, a note sat on top like in the first box, with a beautiful necklace folded inside. The thick, silver chain bore a stunning, solitary pendant of quarter-sized, cobalt-blue stone. The note said:
Meghan,
A piece of where I am for you to have close to your heart so you can think of me. I saw it and immediately thought of you. Yes, it’s really lapis lazuli. No, I won’t tell you what it cost. That’s not important. I miss you. I love you.
Always,
Neil
She had to laugh; he had her number. She took out the letters and began to read. The first week’s worth resembled the ones he sent from California. After he had been there a week, the letters started to change a little. The first one said:
Meghan,
I’m missing you all the time. When I look at the mountains, I think about you and about how enormous this thing I feel for you has grown. How it makes me feel small the way those mountains do. I wonder if you love me as much as I love you. The further I get away from you, the longer we’re apart, I worry that your feelings for me will fade. Mine have not. They grow stronger all the time and I’m afraid I’ll be consumed by them before I can get back to you.
I know part of it is missing home, is being in this place that’s so foreign. But it’s not just that. It’s you. I waited so long to have you. I want you more now that I know you love me and I can’t be near you, than I ever did when you were an idea in my mind, an image of a girl I had always admired from afar.
Do you love me that much, Meghan? Does your heart ache when you think about me the way mine does when I think about you? Am I imagining that this thing between us is more than just wanting what we can’t have right now? Because it doesn’t feel like that. It feels real, powerful and overwhelming at times.
When I think about you, I feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy that a fantastic woman like you wants to be any part of my life. And sad that I can’t be close to you and touch you, can’t make love to you and show you how much you mean to me. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next 8 months without you, but I have to try. Tell me you love me. Tell me you want me as much as I want you. Tell me you still want to wait for me to come home to you. I don’t think I can bear it if you don’t. I miss you. I love you.
Always,
Neil
Meg read the letter three times because the tears were so heavy in her eyes, she could hardly see. He’d perfectly echoed everything she’d been feeling.
Before she sat down to write, she read the other letters. The next one apologized for the drama of the last letter. I wasn’t trying to scare you off by being over the top. I’d debated even sending that one to you and I hope you won’t hold it against me. The next four letters more closely mimicked the ones he sent initially – anecdotes and memories – but they still had an element of need in them that hadn’t been there before. After she had read all the letters a few times, she composed her reply and intended to mail her package to him the next morning.
Dear Neil,
Don’t ever apologize again for telling me in such a beautiful way that you’re in love with me. Do you know how many years I’ve wanted to hear a man I love tell me that? Too many to count. It was worth all those years of waiting for that man to be you. I have never met a more wonderful, amazing man and I’m honored that you love me so much.
My feelings aren’t fading. Like yours, they’re getting stronger all the time. And, yes, my heart aches every day when I think about you, when I think about the fact that I can’t hold you or make love to you for too many months to contemplate. You’re not imagining anything. If you are, then we’re both in this dream together. And that makes it real, anyway. So says the delusional therapist.
I love you, Neil. I love you more as every second passes and by the time I see you again, I’m sure I’ll be overwhelmed by the intensity of it all. And I want you. I want to be near you, to hold your hand, to touch your face, to have you kiss me and make love to me until we’re both so delirious that we can’t function. I’m here. I’m right here, waiting for you to come home to me, to sweep me into your arms and tell me you’ll love me forever, that you want to spend your life with me. Do you still want that? Because I do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. If the rest of my life has to be put on hold for the next 8 months, if that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. I can’t bear to be without you, either.
Thank you for the necklace. I will wear it all the time to feel you close to me. I’ve included my favorite panties (and, yes, I wore them a little for you. You’re welcome.) I hope this gets you through. Be careful and stay safe. Come back to me. I miss you. I love you.
Always,
Meg
She sprayed the letter with perfume, then added it to the stack and tied the letters with two ribbons, one cobalt blue and one chocolate brown. Then she packed the letters into a box and added a silly little friendship bracelet she made with some cobalt blue and chocolate brown embroidery floss she found in her craft supplies.
She included a bunch of photographs of herself from over the years – some sexy, some funny – plus a photo Charlie sent from the wedding and one she took that week with a sign that said I love you, Neil. On top of the photo stack, she placed one of them at the head of the Lakes trail, a picture the photographer had snapped of Neil kissing her cheek, love evident on both their faces. She could never repay that woman for capturing their love as solid and tangible.
And last, she added her favorite pair of lacy, cobalt blue panties, which she’d worn for an hour so they’d smell like her without being too disgusting. She packed the box with paper, sealed and addressed it, ready to ship to the other side of the world in the morning.
As Meg finished her package, Queen sang at her with Freddy Mercury’s cheery voice. She sighed. Drained from the emotion of reading all of Neil’s letters, she had little energy for Emily’s happy life at the moment. Unable to blow off her best friend, she answered.
“Hey, Emma Bean. What’s happening?”
“Uh, hi, Meggie. You, um, you going to be free this weekend?”
Dating a guy currently on the other side of the world tends to free up most of my days and nights, socially speaking.
“Sure, why?”
“I need you to come stand up for me.”
“Stand up? You mean like be your maid of honor?”
“Yeah.”
“Em, why are you getting married this weekend? You’re barely engaged. What, are you pregnant?”
Emily sighed. “Yes.”
“Holy
shit.”
“That’s what I said.”
“How did that happen? When did that happen?”
“After we got engaged, we celebrated and forgot a condom.”
“And you’ve never been on the pill. Oh. Well. You happy?”
“I was freaked out at first, but yes, I’m happy. I wanted to have his babies, just not before we were married for a couple of years.”
“Of course. That will be one gorgeous kid. You ready for this? Not the motherhood thing, but the fact that the insane horde will descend upon you in greater numbers than ever? So says a former member of said horde’s devoted followers.”
“Former member, huh? Has Rob convinced you that the celebrity culture is a big joke?”
“Something like that. You can’t live for it forever. There are more important things happening in the world, you know? World politics, peace in the Middle East, famine in Africa, that sort of thing.”
“You sound like Liam,” Emily said, laughing.
“Odd point of view for a celebrity’s bodyguard.”
“Well, he and Rob have been friends for a long time. And he used to work for the CIA. He loves to talk politics.”
“Well, good on him, then. I’ll be there, Em. Just tell me the when and where and I’ll show up.”
“Can you be at the new house on Friday afternoon and again on Saturday?”
“Will do. I’ll clear my schedule.”
“Thanks. And don’t tell anyone, okay? We’re keeping it quiet to avoid the insane horde as long as humanly possible.”
“Yes ma’am.” She choked up at the last bit, since it reminded her of Neil and he was so present in her mind after reading all his letters in the last couple hours.
“Meggie? You okay?”
She brushed it off. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. You’re getting married! Yay! And having a baby! Yay! And you’re doing both those things with the hottest guy on the planet,” she said, as if the hottest guy on the planet didn’t temporarily live halfway around the world. He probably held a sniper rifle pointed at some bad guy as they spoke.
“I love you Meggie. Just…call if you need to talk, okay?”
“Will do. Talk to you soon, Emma Bean. And congrats again.”
Meg had no idea how she could keep this up, pretending every time Emily had some BIG, IMPORTANT, MONUMENTAL news. Each time, she died inside because she couldn’t be genuinely happy for her best friend.
As she set her phone on the table, an email alert pinged from Neil. As always when she heard from him, her heart raced.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: Bad news
Hey, beautiful. I wanted to make sure you knew I’d be unable to email for a bit. I have to miss our planned Skype call on Friday, too. Can’t tell you why, just that it’s the case. I’m sorry, sweetheart. You have no idea how much I looked forward to seeing your face and hearing your voice. I’ll contact you as soon as I can, okay? I miss you. I love you.
xo Neil
She replied immediately.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: Disappointed
Hey, sexy. If I said I wasn’t disappointed, I’d be lying and you’d be bummed. I know you don’t have control over it. I’m sending you a package tomorrow, so I hope you get it soon. I’ll be thinking about you. Be careful and stay safe. Come back to me. I miss you. I love you.
xo Meg
His response appeared seconds later.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: You’re the best
Hey, beautiful. I can’t wait for the package. You made my day. I miss you. I love you.
xo Neil
It boosted her mood to know that she’d lifted his spirits. If she could help him get through this, then maybe she could get through this.
One day at a time.
Chapter 23
On Friday, she drove to Harpswell for the pre-wedding gathering at Emily and Rob’s new house. Not long after Meg arrived, poor Nina received the shock of a lifetime when her boyfriend learned he’d soon be a father with Rob’s assistant. His former girlfriend had forgotten to mention the whole pregnant thing. Much as she wanted to ream Liam a new one, that drama took a back seat to Meg’s worries about Neil.
What a shitty way to start the weekend! And she could have been talking to Neil right now. Except, she still hadn’t heard anything from him. She debated calling Charlie and Dan. She had an excuse, right?
“Hiya, Meggie. What’s shaking?”
“Hey, Charlie Brown. When will you guys get here tomorrow?”
“Early. I think we’re leaving here around 7 a.m. We’ll be there at nine-ish. Why? What’s going on?”
“Did you know Em’s getting married tomorrow?”
“I assumed so, given that she invited Annie and Josh and insisted they attend.”
“She’s preggo.”
“Hot damn!”
“Let her tell you. Guess who else is preggo?”
“Don’t say you or I’ll cry. I’ve been trying since my honeymoon.”
“No, not me. Liam’s girlfriend.”
“What? Nina is pregnant? Why didn’t she tell me?”
“Not Nina.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Exactly. Rob’s assistant showed up earlier with a huge belly and Liam fainted when he saw her. I think most of us quickly put two and two together. Nin thinks that he’ll leave her now.”
“Oh, poor Nina. This is awful. You make sure she calls me.”
“I will. She says she’s not in love with him, but she talks about him the way I’d talk about Neil if I was the gushing, girly type.”
“Have you heard from him recently?”
“No. He’s incommunicado for at least a few days. He said he’ll contact me as soon as he can, but I’m worried, Charlie.”
“I can tell you that Dan hasn’t heard anything from Neil’s parents. If there is anything to report, good or bad, they have a rule to inform Dan right away. Neil told him you two are dating. He’d contact you if something happened, I promise.”
“Okay, thanks. That helps, at least. Neil told me to call Dan if I was worried, but I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass.”
“If we hear anything, we’ll call immediately.”
“Thanks. I’ll have Nina call you later. I don’t know how long we can stay here today. And enduring the wedding tomorrow would be hard enough for me as it is, but now it’ll be torture for Nina too.”
“Missing Neil?”
“Every day and all the time. It’s worse when I don’t know what’s happening with him.”
“He’s okay, Meg. Have faith.”
“I’m trying.”
After a couple hours of awkwardness at Emily’s house for lunch, Meg decided she and Nina should leave. Her cousin came to Gorham for the night, and attempted to stay distracted from her own troubles by asking about Neil, how things were going with them, had he sent her anything. Meg told her about the love letters, showed her the necklace she constantly wore, and admitted about the song he sung for her. Nina insisted that she play the video and they both sobbed.
When Diane Sawyer reported a mortar attack in Afghanistan, Meg nearly had a heart attack. She spent the rest of the night either pacing, surfing news sites trying to find information, incessantly checking her email or jumping every time the phone rang or she had an alert. Nina tried to tell her she should talk to Emily about it – surely this would affect her mood tomorrow – but Meg brushed it off.
**********
During the long drive to Harpswell in the morning, Meg and Nina both silently stewed about the issues weighing on their minds. Meg’s gut twisted with worry because Neil hadn’t initiated communication since that attack had happened yesterday in Afghanistan.
Dan bumped her hip. “How are you doing?”
“In gene
ral?”
“You know that’s not what I’m asking. I know you haven’t told Em, but I’m fully aware of your relationship with Neil. He’s my best friend. Besides, he’s had a thing for you since junior high. He was drooling over you as soon as he saw you at the wedding.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“I saw him. I’ve been telling him to talk to you for years. I guess he figured it was now or never, you know?”
“Oh, God, Dan. Is he going to be okay?”
“You saw that news report, didn’t you?” She nodded, tears in her eyes. He embraced her tightly. “Meg, Afghanistan is a huge country. That was nowhere near the base where he’s stationed. Siobhan and Aidan would have told me if anything had happened.”
She pulled back to look at him, stepped away and hugged her arms. “You’re close to his parents, huh?”
Dan nodded. “You should come meet them sometime. They’d love to meet the girl Neil has talked about since junior high.”
Meg blushed. “Maybe. That’s kind of intimidating.”
Dan smirked. “You’ll have to meet them at some point if you’re going to marry him.”
Meg’s brows shot up. “He told you?” She couldn’t help the grin.
“Yeah. That hug was from him. You know he always planned to be career military, right?”
Meg nodded. “I love him too much to walk away because of that.”
“Good. Because I think you’ll crush him if you walk away now.”
“It’ll crush me if he does the same.”
“No worries there. He’s so in love with you he can’t see straight.”
“I hope it doesn’t distract him from his job…”
“He’ll be fine. He’s good at his job. I promised him that I’d take care of you and keep you in the loop if anything ever happened. I’ll call you immediately if there is anything to know, Okay?”
Meg sighed in relief. “Okay. Thanks, Dan.” He hugged her again. “One more hug from Neil?”
“No, that one is from me. You’ll get through this.”
