by Lucy Gage
“N-no. He’s…he’s not. Dan said they did surgery in the field. He’s at Bagram Air Base right now having surgery again. They won’t know if…if…if he’ll make it until he gets out.”
“Oh, Meg! What can we do?”
“N-nothing. We can’t do anything right now but wait.”
“Oh, honey. Why didn’t you tell me you were in love with him? How long has this been going on?”
“Since Ch…Charlie’s wedding.”
“Did you go home with him?”
“He…we…yes. That night. Then he came back with me.”
“To Gorham? Didn’t you have a conference?”
“I…lied. Didn’t want to deal with the Wicked Witch.”
“And so, what, you spent some time with him?”
“Yes. The whole week. He stayed the rest of his leave. I love him, Em. So much. We’ve been writing.”
“Email?”
“And love letters. Skype calls. Care packages.”
“Oh, Meggie. I’m so, so sorry I haven’t been there for you! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to judge me. I was too worried about Neil. Didn’t want to justify my feelings for him.”
“Why would you think I’d judge you, Meg?”
“I never have serious relationships. Not since Nico.”
“Oh, honey, that doesn’t mean you can’t!”
“I know. But you joked about my sex life.”
“When?”
“When you called to tell me you were engaged. I hadn’t heard from Neil since he left.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You know I love you, right?”
“I know, Em.” She sighed, her breath hitching. Meg inhaled deeply. “I just…couldn’t tell you. You were so happy. And I was so scared. I couldn’t bear having to justify how I felt about Neil.”
“You really love him, don’t you?”
“More than life, Em. I don’t know what I’ll do if…if…”
“He’s going to make it. He is. I just know it. Okay? We’re not supposed to fly back until next week, but I’ll come home early if you want me to do that.”
Meg shook her head. Not that Emily could see. “No. No. Either me or Charlie will keep you updated.”
“Charlie knows? Of course Charlie knows. Dan is Neil’s best friend. And Nina. I bet she knew, too.”
“Yes.”
“Why did you tell them and not me, Meg?”
“Because they know him. They didn’t question if it was real. He said he loved me, Em. Before he left here, I told him that I loved him and I’d wait.”
“I would have believed you, Meg. You never say you love anyone. Ever. You’ve never really been in love before. If you told me you loved him and he loved you, that you were willing to wait for him to come home from war, I’d have known it was real.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just lean on me, okay? Please? I’m still me. I’m still your best friend.” Emily started to cry, too. “I missed you. I didn’t know what I’d done wrong. Why you wouldn’t talk to me anymore.”
“I just couldn’t. I will now. Okay? I promise.”
“I’m here for you, Meggie. Always. Neil will make it through this. And I’ll pray for him. I’ll tell everyone I know to pray for him.”
“Thanks,” Meg whispered. “I think God is getting kind of sick of hearing from me.”
“Can you tell me about it? About you and Neil? Will that hurt too much? Or will it help you?”
“It…it might help. What do you want to know?”
“Why don’t you start at the beginning?”
“Okay. At the wedding, I was standing by the dance floor,” she took a deep breath,” and he came up to me. He said, ‘I’d ask you if you want to dance, but I’m probably too short for you.’ It made me laugh and he…he was so hot in that uniform.” She laughed. “God was he sexy. I couldn’t say no.”
“Even though he didn’t meet the height requirement.”
“Right. We danced for a while. He’s a good dancer.”
“Oh, then I bet he has great bedroom skills,” Em said knowingly.
Meg laughed. It felt good to laugh. “Well, I didn’t know that the first night. I was too drunk. But later…”
They talked for a long time. Meg cried a lot more – every time she had to talk about things like the letter Neil wrote on the plane or the necklace he sent or the video of him singing her favorite song, she choked up or outright sobbed.
Emily gave reassurances, and even though Meg couldn’t look past her worry at the moment, having her best friend soothe her made it a little easier to believe. Had Em really ever let her down before? No.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before.”
“It’s okay. My life hasn’t exactly been simple this last year. I didn’t make it easy for you to confide in me.”
“That’s no excuse. The issues were all mine. You gave me so many openings to tell you what was wrong. But nothing was wrong, you know? Not with Neil. He was perfect. On the other side of the world, but perfect. I think I didn’t want to explain it because I couldn’t. I fell ass over tea kettle and I can’t really tell you why except to say that,” her voice broke, “he is the most amazing man I’ve ever met.” Meg recovered a little. “So much that I’m willing to overlook his obvious deficiencies.”
Em laughed. “Such as his height and serious muscles?”
“Exactly. But he likes me in high heels. And if you could see what those muscles look like naked or what they’re capable of doing…”
“Don’t tell my husband I’m imagining, okay? Because I totally am. And oh, my God.”
Meg chuckled. “Okay, I won’t tell Rob if you won’t tell Neil that I used to fantasize regularly about your husband.”
“Deal. He’s going to be okay, Meg. I just know it. Know how?”
“How?” Meg asked, tears in her voice.
“Because you’re the best friend I’ve ever known and you deserve to have someone love you with everything they are. It sounds to me like Neil is that someone. So he has to be okay, because the universe couldn’t be so cruel as to give you your soul mate only to take him away so fast.”
“Thanks, Em,” Meg whispered.
“I love you, Meggie. Let me know how he’s doing, okay? And anytime you want me home, I’m there as soon as the plane can fly me to Maine from L.A. Got it?”
Meg agreed and they hung up. Assurance from the doctors would be better, but having her best friend in her corner again went a long way to fortifying her.
Now if she could only get some good news from the other side of the world.
**********
It came half a day or so later, as the late evening news reported on an incident that surely had been the one which injured Neil. A routine sweep turned into an unexpected firefight. From his vantage point, Neil warned his team and they were evacuating the area when one of the guys in his unit tripped an IED. That soldier lost his legs but was in otherwise stable condition. Neil, who was hit by the impact of the blast, had suffered serious internal injuries and according to the most recent statement by the Army, he remained in critical condition.
Before Meg could even work up a sufficient tortured reaction of sobs, the Peanuts theme rang on her phone. She didn’t even say hello before Dan said, “Ignore the news. Aidan just called. He’s out of surgery. He still has a long way to go and they’re expecting another couple surgeries will be required, but he’s no longer considered critical. They stopped the internal bleeding and for now, he’s stable.”
“Oh, thank God.” Meg sighed in relief. “So, what happens now?”
“Aidan said they didn’t give him any more details, yet. They have to wait and see over the next 24 hours. If he remains stable, they’ll transport him out of Afghanistan to Rammstein for his next surgery. I don’t know why; Aidan said something about a specialist available there or something. The goal is to eventually get him back to Walter Reed for his
recovery. Right now, he’s in a medically-induced coma. We’ll know more by this time tomorrow, hopefully. For now, just know he’s alive, he’s out of surgery and he’s stable. If anything changes, I’ll let you know immediately, okay?
“Okay. Thank you, Dan. You’ve been a rock.”
“I couldn’t dream of being anything else, Meg. He’s like a brother and I know how much he loves you. He’d haunt me for the rest of my life if I didn’t take care of you like he asked, but he didn’t need to ask. I’d be there for his girlfriend, whoever she was, if he asked it. But for you, I’d go the extra mile. Is Nina bringing you up here?”
“In the morning. I’ve been making arrangements for my clients to see other therapists for the short term. I want to be with Siobhan and Aidan as much as I can and I want to go down to Maryland as soon as he returns stateside.”
“I’m sure they’ll be glad to have you with them. They adore you. I’ll see you when you get here. And Meg? Don’t be surprised if the media calls. If it’s a problem, Em said to let her know and Rob’s team would take care of it.”
“Thanks. Did Charlie call Em or should I?”
“When Aidan first mentioned issues with reporters, Charlie called her straightaway to ask what they should do. Call her if you want, though.”
They said goodbyes and Meg took the first deep breath she’d inhaled since Dan called the night before. Neil was alive. The most important thing, at first, was that he survived the first round of surgery. Now she had to keep praying that they could heal whatever damage had been done, and then get him home as soon as humanly possible.
Because she needed to see him more than almost anything right now. Every day until then would feel like torture.
Chapter 29
Six weeks passed before Neil returned to the U.S. After the first 24 hours, the doctors said he had remained stable long enough that he could be moved to Germany at any time. Since the surgery he needed wasn’t an emergency, he had to wait for a transport to take him there, which took a week.
The Army transferred him to Rammstein, Germany, where a specialist successfully repaired the damage which had occurred as a result of the emergency field procedure that had saved Neil’s life. Once the minor swelling in his brain receded and he stabilized, they took him out of the medically-induced coma.
They waited three weeks for Neil to wake up on his own, but despite the fact that he showed normal brain function, he remained unconscious.
The doctors had intended for Neil to be transferred stateside to Walter Reed for his rehabilitation as an ambulatory patient, or at least an alert one. But when the fourth week of unconsciousness rolled around, the doctors decided he should be sent home so that his family could be with him. They hoped the familiar voices would help him come back. It took a week to arrange transport, but once the plan went into action, Meg, Dan and the Murphys headed to Maryland to wait for Neil to finally come home.
When the day arrived, the four of them drove to the hospital as soon as they received the call that the plane had landed. While the staff settled Neil in a room, they all met with the doctors who would be in charge of his case at Walter Reed.
Major Lewis, the doctor, explained that Meg didn’t have a legal right to make decisions about Neil’s care, but if his parents wanted her to have unlimited access to him, they would allow it. Later, Siobhan assured her that nothing would be done for Neil without her input. Even if the doctors and the Army couldn’t give her the right to have a say, they could. Neil would want her there every step of the way. He’d made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that he planned to marry Meg when he returned. Touched and relieved, Meg expressed shock that Neil had informed his parents of his intentions, but thank God he had.
The time arrived to see him, and Meg’s heart sat in her stomach. She’d been waiting almost eight months to see him in person again, but she needed to see and touch him to know he was really okay.
Any sort of stimulation could help – familiar smells, sounds, touch – Major Lewis explained. Obviously, pictures weren’t an option, but he said describing a place they knew well might trigger something, too. Meg, in the back of her mind, knew all of this from school due to classes on cognition, but it still felt surreal to be living it.
There had been a debate for the past week over who should get to see Neil first. Meg had insisted that Neil’s parents were the ones likely to help him most quickly. With no indication as to why his brain still kept him in the coma, his oldest memories might be the ones that helped him wake first. Neil’s parents maintained that, while they’d known him longest, his love for her created a very powerful motivator to wake up. After all, he had been in love with her to some extent for nearly 13 years. In the end, the doctor had agreed with Neil’s parents that Meg might have the most impact because his memories of her were more recent and therefore, easier to recall.
She walked into the room with an involuntarily sharp intake of breath. He looked so frail compared to the last time she had seen him on Skype. His stature, his broad shoulders, his muscle tone – though diminished a little – were all the same, but his skin had the sickly pallor of a person who’d been inside for six weeks straight.
His hair, usually kept meticulously short, had grown a little, and he had a five o’clock shadow, which Meg found disturbingly sexy. His skin had recovered from the sun exposure she’d noticed in their calls. His lips looked dry, but she recalled her grandmother’s lips being dry in the hospital, too. He had a few minor scars healing on his face, arms and hands. He breathed normally, so he didn’t need a respirator or even oxygen. With the exception of the IV drip, he appeared to be sleeping.
Exhausted, but sleeping.
Meg made her way slowly toward him and her breath hitched. She had promised herself she wouldn’t break down, but she caved. Her body took control and she collapsed against the wall, wracked with sobs. She forced herself to calm the tears – he didn’t need to wake up to a sobbing woman.
Since every letter had been sprayed with her perfume, she wore it in hopes that the scent would remind him of her and would rouse him, but it garnered no immediate response.
Reaching her fingers slowly toward his hand, as soon as her skin met his, a jolt of memory surged through her. She thought of his hands touching her in so many ways – cupping her hand as they danced; caressing her face or holding it in his palm; running over her breasts, fingers pinching her nipples; sliding between her thighs into a body wet and willing. She swallowed hard.
With her other hand, she rubbed the back of her fingers against the scruff at his jaw. For months, she’d waited to feel that again, and her touch memory had remembered it correctly – rough like sandpaper, but so sexy. Her breath hitched and her girl parts clenched at a memory of that roughness rubbing against her inner thigh.
Finally, she leaned down and gently kissed his lips. They were a little chapped, but they were still Neil’s lips and it nearly undid her. She wanted it to be like in the fairy tales, when the only thing required to revive a sleeping person was True Love’s Kiss.
But that didn’t happen.
She found her voice and as she sat down next to him, holding his hand, she lay her head on his arm and whispered, “Hi, sexy. Dan’s arms just aren’t big enough to feel like yours, Neil. You have to wake up so you can hold me again. I need you to hold me and tell me you’re going to be okay. You know I need to be reassured and that I’m not the badass I pretend to be. Your parents insisted I come see you first. I tried to tell them they might have more luck, but the doctor agreed that recent memories might more easily trigger something. I’m going to be right here, by your side, waiting for you to wake up no matter how long it takes. I love you.” The tears had choked her voice.
She cleared her throat. “I’m going to let your parents have a turn. And Dan is here, too. But I’ll be back. They’re letting me be here just like if I was your wife because your mom insisted. You know how she is. She told them that if you were awake, you’d want me by your side. That th
e only reason I wasn’t your wife yet was because of bad timing. I didn’t know you’d told them. I knew you told Dan, but I didn’t know you told your parents. So you have to wake up. Because your mom is going to be pretty mad if you don’t hurry up and marry me and give her some grandbabies. I’ll be back soon, okay?” She kissed him again, wishing he was awake and could kiss her back. She squeezed his hand, walked out the door, brushed away her tears and took a deep breath.
When she returned to the waiting area, Neil’s parents and Dan stood, a look of hopeful anticipation on their faces. She shook her head. They didn’t think it would happen straightaway, but they all had a sliver of hope that it could. Siobhan and Aidan both hugged her, then made their way down to Neil’s room. Dan pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. She laughed through the tears.
“What’s so funny?” Dan asked as he stepped back, smiling at her.
“I just told Neil that he had to wake up because your arms weren’t big enough to be his.”
Dan laughed. “Nope. Not since he left for Basic. He look pretty bad?”
Meg sighed. “Not as bad as I had expected or as good as I had hoped. You’ll see. He still looks like Neil, but he looks so…weak. I’ve never seen him looking weak. But he’s alive. And he’s here. And I can touch him again.”
“You didn’t…”
“Dan! No!”
“He’d probably respond to that, you know.” The wry grin said he was only half joking.
“Very funny. We’ll see how long this takes. I might get desperate enough to try anything at some point. But I swear, if you tell anyone I even mentioned it, I’ll make sure you never get to have kids. Capisce?”
“Okay! Okay. My lips are sealed. It’ll work. Eventually, something will work.”
Meg nodded. Eventually. She just had to hang on in the meantime and be thankful she could finally touch Neil again.
**********
For two weeks, they lived the movie Groundhog Day – day in, day out, lather, rinse, repeat. They’d wake early and eat breakfast together. The four of them would go to the hospital and take turns sitting with Neil. Stories were shared, memories of times they had spent together. Meg didn’t have as many tangible memories as Dan and his parents, so her tactic had been to keep as much physical contact as she could while she read letters.
