by Lucy Gage
Neil nodded. Okay. Now he was really fucking confused.
“How the hell would I have any idea what it was like, then? I’ve never done that, ever, but in my dream, that’s what I was doing. It felt so fucking real, I didn’t even realize I was in a dream until I woke up.”
“Shit. Who were you screwing in the dream?”
“Remember the girl I told you about before? The one I had a thing for in high school?”
“Yeah. Meghan? Is that her name?” Neil nodded. “Shit, you were fucking that girl up the ass in a dream? Jesus, Murph. You ever dream about her like that before?”
“No. Not…not like that. I’ve had sex dreams about her before, but never where I’ve done anything unusual with her. It’s all been pretty standard stuff and she’s just the girl I’m with in the dream. This felt different. More real.”
“You think it wasn’t a dream?”
“No way. It had to be a dream. I’ve only spoken to her twice. I certainly don’t know what her ass feels like in my hands, let alone what it’s like to stick my dick in there. The thing was, it didn’t seem like a dirty thing. It wasn’t like I was bending over a stranger and doing that. It was as if I was making love to my girlfriend, just not where you normally put it, you know?”
“That’s trippy.”
“Tell me about it.”
“This the same girl? The one sittin’ next to your bed when you woke up?”
“One and the same. That’s why it’s so disturbing.”
“Christ, Neil, that’s fucked up.”
“I’m so damn confused, Jack. No one wants to tell me anything. I keep having these weird dreams and thoughts that are just bizarre, but no one will be straight with me. It’s getting old.”
“I wish I could help you. I really do. But you know, I was out in Russia and Kazakhstan for a while last year. Oh, well, maybe you don’t remember that. But I was. I didn’t even get to talk to you after that wedding. Whose was it again?”
“I can’t remember the wedding. But it was Danny’s wedding. My best friend from childhood. He married his high school sweetheart.”
“Yeah. Right. Well, just before you went to that, I left for Russia. Then we were incommunicado there for a couple months. And when I got back stateside, they had me runnin’ all over the damn place. I think that was one of the reasons Sarah started drinkin’ so heavily again. Anyway, I wasn’t around much and I didn’t get back to L.A. to talk to Sarge until just before you got hurt. He told me ‘bout the bomb, kept me posted on your progress. But I really can’t help you, buddy. I wasn’t much of a friend this past year. Too busy drownin’ in work and dealin’ with Sarah’s bullshit to be much use to anyone else.”
“You going to go back to her, Jack?”
“I’d say hell no, but I said that before. What can I do? The heart wants what it wants. And damn it if I don’t still love her. I wish I didn’t. It’d be easier to stay away.”
Neil’s chest hurt again. He rubbed it. Something just felt…wrong. “Jack? Can I ask you a question?”
“It ain’t gonna be about another sexual position is it? ‘Cause I don’t wanna tell all my secrets. I need to stay mysterious or you won’t want me anymore.” Jack smirked.
“Prick. I’d still want you, sexy bitch. No, seriously, it’s not about that. Do you think Danny maybe was telling the truth when I woke up? Do you think when he said she was my girlfriend that it was true and not him teasing me?”
“What do you think?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t fucking treat me like I’m precious.”
“Hey, it was an honest question. I don’t know if it’s true. No one told me anything. Like I said, I’ve been a real shit friend the last year. But do you think it’s true?”
“Wouldn’t I remember if the girl of my dreams finally became my girlfriend?”
“I don’t know. Hell, when I got back from Iraq, I was lucky I knew my own name. And I wasn’t thrown forty feet into the air or placed in a coma to save my life. My coma was self-induced madness.”
“Don’t talk that way. You know it’s not that simple.”
Jack looked down. “Sure as fuck doesn’t feel that way sometimes. Feels like it’s pretty damn obvious that it was my fault. All of it.”
“No way. He’d never want to hear you say that. And you have to stop letting her make you think that way.”
“I know. It’s one of the reasons I left.”
“Try to stay gone this time. It’s no good. For either of you.”
“Easier said than done, my man. Love’s a bitch that way.”
Neil’s first thought was, Yes it is. But how the fuck would he know? He’d never been in love. Not really. He’d had a thing for Meghan since he was a skinny, geeky teenager, but he’d never really felt that way about anyone else. Just her. Where the hell did that come from? You don’t know her well enough to be in love with her, you idiot!
He sighed and pushed his plate away, sank in his chair, head back.
“This. Is. Getting. Old.”
Jack clapped him on the shoulder, somehow understanding that Neil had been in his own head a moment before. “I hear ya, man. Wish I could really help.”
“Thanks, Strongman. I wish you could, too.”
**********
The phone rang and Meg recognized the number from when Owen had called before. Her pulse raced. Though not a no-news-is-good-news situation, Meg couldn’t be sure that the news would be positive, either.
“Hi, Owen. Did something happen?”
“Hey, Meghan. Um, sort of. Jack said that while I was on my run this morning, he and Neil talked. Neil dreamed about you last night.”
“Is that unusual?” God, she dreamed about him every single night when her eyes closed.
“No. No, I guess he’s had lots of dreams about you in the past, even recently. This one disturbed him.”
“Was it a bad dream?”
“Uh, no. I think he’d probably say that it wasn’t. He, uh…woke up…uh…”
“Just spit it out, Owen. I’m a therapist. You’d be surprised at some of the things patients tell me.”
“Right. Uh. Well, he had a wet dream.”
“Okay, well, I assume he’s been celibate for a while now.”
“Yes! He has. I know he’d never have cheated on you while he was deployed and he didn’t even look at girls at the bar last night. Actually, a few came over to our table and Neil asked them to stop by some other time, because we were catching up and weren’t really looking for company.”
Meg smiled a little at that. Leave it to Neil to be polite about turning a girl down. “I believe you, Owen. Did Jack say why the dream bothered Neil so much?”
“It was…pretty graphic.”
“Graphic how?” she asked. Her heart began to race.
Owen hesitated.
“Graphic how, Owen?”
“I don’t…I don’t want to offend you, Meghan.”
“Just spit it out, for Christ’s sake!”
“You were having anal sex with him.” He said it so quickly, Meg almost didn’t catch it.
“And that disturbed him?” she asked after a moment, her heart beating a million miles per second.
“Yes. He said he’s never done that before, but the dream felt so real, he didn’t even know it was a dream until he woke up.”
Meg’s breathing sped up and she had a hard time holding in the sob that wanted to escape.
“Meghan? Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she whispered.
“It wasn’t a dream, was it?”
“No,” she replied, barely audible. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she closed her eyes, afraid they’d never stop if she didn’t try to hold them inside.
“He’s starting to remember. Really remember.”
She inhaled long and deep, then replied, “I think so, yes. That was…the first time for either of us. It’s a pretty powerful memory for me. I’m sure it is for him, too.”
“Do you think he’s
ready for us to tell him?”
“No. I can’t be the one to make that call. His therapist has to decide that. If it were only up to me, I’d have run back to him after they had kicked Beth out of his room and kissed him until he remembered. Which would have been the wrong thing to do. As a therapist, I know we still have to give him time. But as his…” she couldn’t even say it, what they were. She was more than his lover, more than his girlfriend, but it wasn’t official. She had no ring, no right to claim him.
But he was hers.
“He wants to remember, Meghan. Desperately.”
“He will,” she whispered. She cleared her throat. “Can you keep me updated?”
“Of course. I didn’t mean to upset you…”
“No, Owen. Thank you for telling me. I’m…I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable to talk about sex with me like that.”
Owen laughed. “I’m not uncomfortable talking about sex. Trust me. I just wasn’t sure if I’d offend you.”
Meg laughed, too. “No. I wasn’t exactly an innocent girl before I met Neil. We still had a few things to teach each other, but I was no snow-white virgin when he slept with me the first time.”
“I don’t think he ever slept with you. Not to hear him tell it. He never gave me details, but I know he felt like he was privileged to have been in your company.”
Meg smiled. “I bet he said it just like that, didn’t he?”
“Pretty much. He has a way with words.”
“He does. Thank you again, Owen.”
“Anytime, Meghan.”
**********
A little while later, after she’d cried a big puddle, Meg’s phone played Queen.
“Hi, Emma Bean,” she said with a sigh.
“Meggie, are you okay?”
“No,” she whispered. “Not really.”
“What happened?”
“Neil remembered something.”
“He did? That’s great! When? What did he remember? How did you find out about it?”
So many questions. Sometimes, they were never-ending. Meg took a deep breath and answered, telling Emily about her conversation with Owen.
“Okay, let me get this straight. He had a very vivid dream about having anal sex with you and you’re saying it wasn’t a dream? Are you sure?” Em knew what Toby had asked her all those years ago, so it wasn’t surprising that she’d question it.
Still, Meg laughed. “Seriously, Em, do you think I’d have done that and not remembered it afterward? Especially if I was having sex with a man I’m in love with?”
“Oh. So, you’re saying that you, um, that you actually did that. With Neil.”
“Yes, Em. I did that with Neil. Why is it hard to believe?”
“It’s not. Okay, well, maybe it is because of what happened with Toby. I just didn’t know you’d done that before.”
“I hadn’t. Not until Neil and he hadn’t, either. That’s probably why it’s such a powerful memory for him.”
“Right. Because the first time you do that is um, memorable. And, you know, it takes a lot of trust.”
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“M-maybe. Are we at the point where we talk like that again?”
Meg smiled. “I guess we are. It’s not like I’d talked about this with anyone else before. Just Neil.”
“Oh, thank God,” Emily said with a huge sigh of relief. “I have so many things I’ve wanted to tell you for ages.”
Meg laughed. “Such as?” she teased.
“Where to start…”
They had talked for a while and it had felt good to laugh with her best friend again. Emily grew somber at one point.
“Meggie, can I tell you something serious?” Em asked.
“What, you don’t think talking about kinky sex is serious?”
“I’m not kidding, Meg. I need to tell you some important things. I think…maybe it can help us heal. Our friendship, I mean.”
“Tell me whatever you need, Em. I’m here to listen.”
“Okay. But you have to know that I’ve been sworn to secrecy and by telling you, I’m breaking more than one person’s trust.”
“Juicy gossip?”
“Meg…”
“Just teasing, Em. Who am I keeping this secret from?”
“Secrets. The first one is about my mom, so don’t tell her that you know, but it’s not as big a secret as the second one.”
“Why is that?”
“Because the second one is about Rob and I swear, Meg, if you ever tell another soul, it would cause big problems in my marriage. I’m telling you to show that I trust you as much as I ever have. I haven’t been able to confide in you, or at least I didn’t think I could or should. But I want that to change, and this is the first step.”
“Okay. Therapist hat on. Protected by the oath and all that. Shoot, Emma Bean.”
Emily sighed. “Um, well, you know that Jenna is Rob’s assistant.”
“Right.”
“She wasn’t always just his assistant.”
“This sounds good. Keep going…”
By the end of their conversation, they’d been talking for hours. Meg had already needed to plug her cell into the charger. “I promise I won’t let anyone in your circle know that I’m aware. I’ll just keep going like I’m as ignorant as I was before. But seriously, Em, how can you live with that? With knowing they used to…you know, be intimate?”
“Because I know he loves me, Meg. It nearly killed him when I left before. He didn’t have to come back to me, but he chose me when he did. Now that he has me and Maeve and we’re a family, he won’t walk away. Not willingly. He loves with his whole self and he only loves one woman at a time. As soon as he fell in love with me, he was over her.”
“And you’re sure about that?”
“Positive. Liam thinks so, too.”
Meg groaned, “Like that matters.”
“I know you’re not Liam’s biggest fan, but he has been my rock, Meg. Even if we were speaking more at that time, I couldn’t have told you. Then, I wasn’t sure what would happen if I did. But now, we’re in that place again. And while Jenna might not trust anyone outside the circle, I do.”
“I’m glad to hear it, Em. I needed you back in my life. Can I tell you a secret, too? Something I’ve kept from you for a long time?”
“Of course.”
“I’d met Neil before the wedding.”
“When? Did Charlie introduce you?”
“No. In high school. Remember that day senior year when you went to the art museum and I had to get a ride with Auntie Hannah?”
“Of course, you said you put Toby in his place.”
“Neil was there. I left that part out. We talked and I was really honest with him. He was so sweet, Em. I didn’t know him at all, but I was blown away by him. It stayed with me. He’s…he’s the reason I went away to school.”
“Because you wanted to stay away from him?”
“No, because he made me feel like I was a good person, and I knew if I was ever going to be that girl, I had to leave and start over again. Those stories from high school were false.”
“I know that, Meggie. I always knew that.”
“Some of those guys, I never even spoke to them. But I let them talk about me as if I was some super-slut.”
“Oh, Meggie, people didn’t really think that!”
“They did, Em. Especially the guys. The ones I dated expected me to put out on the first date, and when I wouldn’t, they’d lie and say that I did. I felt like I couldn’t ever get out from under it. And then when I talked to Neil that day, he made me see that it was possible. That there were still guys out there who could look at me like he had, as if I was kind and nice and worth their time outside the bedroom.”
“You were always that girl to me.”
“But not to the guys we knew, Em. If I’d stayed around home, if I’d gone to UMaine with you, I wouldn’t have been able to escape that rep, not with Amy there, too.
As it is, whenever I see someone from school, they still assume I’m like that. Which was why, when I met Neil at the wedding and he said he’d gone to high school with us, I was shocked that he wasn’t instantly trying to get me into bed. God, when I think about how he was adamant that he didn’t want to take advantage of me, it’s no surprise that I fell in love with him then.”
“Was it because you knew he was the guy you met that day?”
“No. Believe it or not, I didn’t know he was that boy until after we’d said we loved each other. When I finally realized it, everything made so much sense. I’d watched him the rest of that year, Em. I kept wanting to talk to him again, but we didn’t know each other at all. And I didn’t want his reputation to be tainted by me speaking to him.”
“He’d never have thought that.”
“No, I realize that now, but I didn’t then. I thought about him all those years, wondered how he’d turned out, what he looked like, what he was doing. It wasn’t constant, but I was a little in love with the idea of him. I didn’t know his last name, and I didn’t think I had any way to get in touch with him, even if I did. I probably could have asked Nina, but I don’t know, it seemed odd.”
“You don’t remember seeing him with Dan?”
“Not really. I didn’t pay attention to Dan before he dated Charlie. It actually took me a couple years to realize that he was the guy who had a crush on you his freshman year in high school. And I was gone all the time while I was in Florida in undergrad. I hardly came home. I talked to Neil about it before. I think we figured out that we’d only been in the same place twice before the wedding.”
“When? Where?”
“At Dan’s college graduation party and at LAX last Christmas. We didn’t speak at the graduation party, and we barely said a few words in passing at LAX.”
“And you didn’t recognize him?”
Meg laughed. “Em, I don’t know if you remember what Neil looked like in high school, but he may as well have been a different person. At the airport, I was attracted to him, but he had a girlfriend then. When I first saw him at the wedding, I was convinced he was the guy I’d seen at LAX. I was as drawn to him as I was the first time, and I knew I had to talk to him. Lucky for me, Charlie sat us side by side.”
“And then you fell head over heels. What was it like, once you realized he was that boy?”
