Priestley Plays Four

by J. B. Priestley

  SAM: Let’s stick to the dragon. Would you say it’s a Shovel-tail, a Narrow-tail with a yellow cross, a Horny Short-tail, or a Broad Fishtail with scarlet markings?

  CAPT. P.: Haven’t a clue, old boy. And you can please yourself, but I don’t propose to go and examine his tails.

  SAM: (Gloomily.) Neither do I.

  While SAM still looks at the parchment, CAPT. P. takes a look at the dragon. The puffs are faster and larger now.

  CAPT. P.: (Returning to SAM, lowering voice.) I think he’s getting steam up.

  SAM: (In despair.) Oh – lord!

  CAPT. P.: (Shaking hands.) Well, all the best, old boy. Like to give you a hand but of course it’s against the rules. But I won’t be far. (As he goes.) Good luck, old boy.

  He goes up and out R.. SAM now takes up his enormous sword, and tries a two-handed swing or two, not very successfully. A lot of smoke from the dragon now, great snorting and puffing noises, like an angry train. SAM comes down to take a look at it, and listens in dismay. He returns to his former position. CAPT.P. cautiously peeps in up R..

  CAPT. P.: (In loud whisper.) Anything happened?

  SAM: (Same tone.) Not yet. But he sounds as big as a railway train.

  CAPT. P.: Have to challenge him, y’know, old boy. One of the rules.

  SAM: I wish you’d shut up about the rules.

  CAPT. P.: Take it easy, Sam old boy. Leave you to it now, eh?

  He withdraws. SAM pulls himself together, comes down and round and faces the dragon.

  SAM: (Muttering.) This is going to sound dam’ silly. (Loud but uneasily.) Look here – I’m challenging you to – er – combat. We needn’t make it mortal – what d’you think?

  The dragon should now open one eye.

  Well – what d’you think?

  DIMMOCK: (Inside dragon’s head, no smoke now.) No, Sam. Stop it.

  SAM: (Astonished.) Stop it?

  DIMMOCK: Yes, it’s only me.

  SAM: How do you mean it’s only you?

  DIMMOCK: It’s me – Dimmock.

  SAM: Dimmock? What are you doing inside a dragon?

  DIMMOCK: (Crossly.) I’m not inside the dragon. I am the dragon. And it’s like having an acid stomach ten feet long. (Coughs.) So hot and smoky too.

  SAM: How did it happen?

  DIMMOCK: That enchanter, Malgrim, did it. After he turned the Skipper into the Red Knight, he turned me into a dragon –

  SAM: But I’m supposed to knock you off in order to marry Melicent -

  DIMMOCK: (Hastily.) Now don’t be foolish and hasty, Sam. You and I have always been good friends. None of the firm’s artists have been better treated than you. And if you feel you ought to have a rise, I’ll gladly take it up with the board –

  SAM: You can’t take anything up with the board, looking like that, can you? In the meantime, what am I going to do? I promised to challenge the dragon –

  DIMMOCK: Yes, but not me. Go and find a proper dragon.

  SAM: No, you’re the dragon I’m supposed to overcome – nothing said about any other dragon –

  DIMMOCK: Yes, Sam – but if you have me disenchanted – or whatever they call it – and I’m me again and there’s no dragon, then that’s the same thing. So you go and find that enchanter. Or the other one – the old one. I’ll tell you what, Sam. I’m prepared to offer one of them a seat on the board. I’ll put it in writing. (Calls.) Peggy! Peggy!

  PEGGY enters R. with notebook and file of letters. SAM stares at them both in amazement.

  PEGGY: (Showing no surprise.) Yes, Mr Dimmock?

  DIMMOCK: Take a letter to Mr. Paly. Dear Fred – I’m writing this from a place called Peradore, where I ran into a little trouble – (He breaks off.) Just a minute Peggy.

  CAPT. P. now enters R. and comes down and across.

  Don’t just stand there staring at us, Sam. Go and find those enchanters. It’s just as important for you as it is for me. Skipper – you go with him.

  CAPT. P.: Dimmock, is it? Tell me, old boy, do you feel like a dragon?

  DIMMOCK: I did – very nasty too – but it’s worn off. Now, Skipper, you go with Sam and get me disenchanted – you know what we decided about the company – so if you have to then offer both of them a seat on the board.

  CAPT. P.: Can do, old boy. But in the meantime, we can’t have you staying here, dictating letters. You’re supposed to have been knocked off by Sam. You’ll have to hide in the wood until you’re disenchanted.

  DIMMOCK: All right. But hurry up with it. (As SAM and CAPT.P., carrying the sword between them, begin to go R..) Where was I, Peggy?

  PEGGY: (Reading.) Dear Fred – I’m writing this from a place called peradore, where I ran into a little trouble – that’s all

  DIMMOCK: (Dictating.) But with a bit of luck everything now might work out for the best. I’m discussing a merger here with a very smart concern – Marlagram and Malgrim – enchanters –

  PEGGY: I don’t think Mr Paly will believe in enchanters.

  DIMMOCK: He mightn’t now – but he will next time I talk to him. Where was I? Oh- yes – enchanters. One or both of ’em might want to come on to the board, which means, first as we’ve often agreed, dropping Wallaby, but also Tooks. When I explain the set-up I have in mind, Fred, you will agree that Tooks would never fit it in – too narrow-minded and has not got the enterprise. We might try one of the enchanters looking after finance and the firm’s taxation problems.

  Light and voice begin to fade together at beginning of this last speech, and scene has faded out by the time speech ends.

  SCENE SEVEN

  Enchanters’ Dining-room. MARLAGRAM enters, sits down at table.

  MARLAGRAM: (As if addressing invisible waiter.) Bowl of porridge.

  It appears magically on the table, and at once he begins eating it. After a moment MALGRIM enters and sits opposite.

  Have a bowl o’ porridge, like me.

  MALGRIM: Great Beelzebub – no! I don’t have to eat slops yet. (Sharply addressing invisible waiter.) Duck and green peas. Flagon of Bordeaux. (Nothing happens. MARLAGRAM watches with a malicious grin.) Didn’t you hear me? Duck and green peas. Flagon of Bordeaux…

  MARLAGRAM: (When it is obvious the magic isn’t on.) He-he-he-he! (Addressing invisible waiter.) Bowl of porridge.

  A bowl of porridge appears in front of MALGRIM. He is furious.

  MALGRIM: (Jumping up, angrily.) This is absolutely intolerable, Uncle. We agreed from the first that no matter what magical moves and countermoves we might have to make against each other, neither of us would interfere with the domestic arrangements. And now look what you’ve done!

  MARLAGRAM: Who started breaking arrangements, lad? You did. As soon as that young man Sam challenged the dragon, you should have changed the dragon back into what’s-his-name. Then there’d be no dragon and Sam could have claimed his Princess.

  MALGRIM: (Sitting again.) Why should you care? She’s given you the Merlin brooch.

  MARLAGRAM: Not she! You ought to know what women are, even young ones. I don’t get that brooch till the King’s given his consent to her marrying Sam.

  MALGRIM: O-ho! No brooch yet – eh?

  MARLAGRAM: He-he! No lunch yet neither.

  MALGRIM: Pooh – I’m not hungry –

  MARLAGRAM: And another thing, lad. Where’s that girl Ninette gone to – eh! He-he-he! Well, you know that flock of geese just below the Castle? He-he-he! Now she’s one of them –

  MALGRIM: (Jumping up, angrily, ready to go.) Why – you unscrupulous old –

  MARLAGRAM: (Cutting in.) Sit down, boy, there’s over two hundred geese there – you’d be all day on it. I’ll turn her back as soon as we’ve finished our business. Plenty of business too. Sam and that Captain Plunket are on their way here.

  MALGRIM: How do you know?

  MARLAGRAM: I’m an enchanter, aren’t I lad? And a better one than you – an’ of course if you have an enchanter son or nephew, you’ll be better than him. Remember, ours is a profession of wise men
. So we have regress instead of progress. That means that as we grow old we’re always the best men in the profession –

  MALGRIM: But at that rate – in a few hundred years –

  MARLAGRAM: They’ll be no better than amateurs – right. People won’t believe what we could do. But they’re here. (Calling.) Come in, come in!

  Enter SAM and CAPT. P.

  Sit down, sit down. What’ll you take to drink?

  CAPT. P.: Two large Malmsleys.

  MARLAGRAM: (Addressing invisible waiter.) Two large Malmsleys – sharp!

  CAPT. P.: (As drinks appear on table.) Service! Couldn’t manage a cigar, could you, old boy?

  MARLAGRAM: Not here. Not for hundreds and hundreds of years.

  CAPT. P.: (Ready to drink.) Well – happy days! (Drinks.) Now, Sam old boy, tell them.

  SAM: (Earnestly.) Look here – you two – you’ve simply got to disenchant Dimmock and make that dragon vanish – or I’m sunk. And, after all, I didn’t know the dragon was Dimmock when I went to challenge him.

  CAPT. P.: Quite right. I was there. Who’d have thought that was Dimmock – a thing that looked like the Flying Scot with scales and knobs on. I say Sam behaved like a hero – so he is a hero. But he won’t be if that dragon hangs about dictating letters to a secretary.

  MARLAGRAM: You needn’t argue with me. I want to get on with company business. So I want Dimmock here and no dragon, just as much as you do. But it’s all a bit tricky, Captain – (He hesitates.)

  MALGRIM: (In grand but smooth manner.) Gentlemen, I’ll explain what it is my uncle shrinks from admitting. He can’t restore Dimmock to his ordinary shape without my help.

  MARLAGRAM: If I’d time I could –

  MALGRIM: Possibly. Possibly not. But you haven’t time.

  SAM: (Urgently.) That’s true, we haven’t. That dragon ought to have gone now.

  MALGRIM: Now you can only have my help on my terms. First – a half share in the Merlin brooch. Secondly a seat on the board of the new company. Thirdly, Uncle, you take Ninette out of that flock of geese.

  MARLAGRAM: That’s easy. It’s the other two I don’t like, especially the one about sharing Merlin’s brooch –

  SAM: Master Marlagram – please –

  Enter MELICENT, who can be wearing a cloak over her dress for final scene. She enters so quickly, speaking as she does, that we suspect that magic is at work.

  MELICENT: Yes, Master Marlagram – you’ve been helping us, and we’re grateful – but don’t spoil it now –

  MARLAGRAM: Now just a minute! How did you get in here?

  MALGRIM: Exactly what I was about to ask. You didn’t do this by yourself –

  MARLGARAM: Nobody could, without permission. After all, we are enchanters –

  MALGRIM: So who did it?

  MELICENT: (Coolly, smiling.) Well, if you must know, a second cousin of mine has just arrived the Castle – and she’s a girl who was taught by Morgan le Fay –

  MARLAGRAM & MALGRIM: (Together.) WHAT? (They now speak very urgently to each other.)

  MARLAGRAM: Nephew, we’re having no young sorceresses on the job here –

  MALGRIM: At the last conference in Avalon we were definitely allotted this territory –

  MARLAGRAM: But you know what women are! Look, lad, we must clear up here – Dimmock, dragon, company business and all –

  MARLGRIM: Right, Uncle – and then we’ll see who’s working the magic round here –

  MARLAGRAM: Excuse us! (They hurry out together. MELICENT laughs.)

  MELICENT: I thought that would set them off. Here isn’t any second cousin who’s been with Morgan le Fay. I walked straight in here. I think the invisible demon who looks after them is sulking about something. Wasn’t I clever, Sam darling?

  SAM: (Rather dazed.) Yes, you were, Melicent darling.

  CAPT. P.: Fact is, old boy – and this is where you want to watch it – they’re all sorceresses when they want to be. I think I’ll try this invisible demon. (Calling as MARLAGRAM did.) I’ll have another large Malmsey.

  A glassful of wine, from the darkness above, descends on his head. Ghostly laughter from above, in which MELICENT joins as CAPT. P. makes spluttering sounds.

  MELICENT: (Solemnly now.) Sam darling, as soon as my father’s given his consent, we must decide – first – where the wedding ought to be – and then of course what I ought to wear –

  SAM: You’ll have to decide what you’re doing to wear –

  MELICENT: (Calmly decisive.) Don’t worry, darling, I intend to –

  SAM: As for the wedding, I think it ought to be mixed – I mean to say, both worlds are getting rather mixed now, so both worlds ought to be in it.

  CAPT. P.: Dead right, old boy. Help the company too.

  MELICENT: What company?

  CAPT. P.: Just business, my dear. Leave it to us.

  The enchanters come bustling back, talking as they come.

  MARLAGRAM: (Hurriedly.) All fixed. He-he-he! Dimmock’ll be here in a minute. We’ve left a dragon’s head that the King’s inspecting. He’ll give his consent. We’ve fixed that too. He-he-he!

  MALGRIM: So we’ll trouble you for that brooch, Princess. I know you have it with you.

  MELICENT: Well, I suppose I must. (She puts the brooch on the table.) And now I can tell you there isn’t a girl sorceress at the Castle.

  MARLGRAM: (Chuckling.) No, we know there isn’t. But you’re only a day out. There’s one coming tomorrow –

  MALGRIM: She’s seen Sam in a magic mirror –

  MELICENT: (Horrified.) What? (She takes SAM’s arm possessively.) Then he won’t be there. But I will – and if she thinks she’s coming here – (She is interrupted by the entrance of DIMMOCK, who looks hot and flustered.)

  DIMMOCK: (Breathlessly.) Sorry – gentlemen – but what with suddenly not being a dragon – and then being shot here out of that wood – I can tell you –

  MELICENT: Let’s go, Sam darling, then you can ask my father for my hand, and then we can decide about the wedding –

  They go out. DIMMOCK sits at the table as he speaks.

  DIMMOCK: Before we get down to business, I must tell you I could do with a drink –

  MARLAGRAM: Certainly –

  CAPT. P.: Hold it. I’m against this invisible demon service. Isn’t there any other way.

  MALGRIM: Why not? (He clasps his hands. BARMAID suddenly appears.)

  CAPT. P.: (Seeing her.) That’s more like it. Two large whiskies, Queenie.

  BARMAID: (Calmly.) Two large whiskies. Turned out nice again, hasn’t it?

  She goes, returning at some appropriate moment with the whiskies without speaking. The four men are now very much in conference.

  DIMMOCK: Who’s in the Chair?

  MARLAGRAM: I am. He-he-he. Senior man present.

  MALGRIM: Well, Mr Chairman, you’ve agreed to the following conditions. One – that Messrs Marlagram and Malgrim are invited to join the board of Wallaby, Dimmock, Paly and Tooks. Two – that Wallaby and Tooks should be asked to resign and their voting stock transferred to Marlagram and Malgrim. Three – that the new concern be known as Marlagram, Malgrim, Dimmock and Paly –

  DIMMOCK: (Cutting in.) No, Mr Chairman, I’ll accept your seniority, but I’m too well-known in the advertising world to follow Mr Malgrim, for all his exceptional ability. I propose that the new agency be known as Marlagram, Dimmock, Malgrim and Paly.

  MARLAGRAM: I’ll accept that, so no need to vote on it – he-he-he! Now you want Captain Plunket to be general manager of the subsidiary tourist agency company, to be called Marlagram, Malgrim and Dimmock – eh?

  DIMMOCK: How did you know?

  MALGRIM: After all, we are enchanters.

  CAPT. P.: And it’s going to be tricky running an expense account with you fellows.

  MARLAGRAM: (Very briskly.) We split fifty-fifty on all English and Peradore business. But I take seventy per cent of anything from Scotland and the Orkneys – I’ve got a good connection up there –

&n
bsp; MALGRIM: And I want at least sixty-five per cent of all commissions from Wales and Lyonesse –

  DIMMOCK: There isn’t such a place –

  MALGRIM: There is now and here –

  DIMMOCK: But it’s going to take some selling at our modern end –

  MALGRIM: On the contrary, to visit a place that’s vanished – what could be more attractive –

  CAPT. P.: I agree with Mr Malgrim. A three days visit to Lyonesse – full board and all excursions –

  MARLAGRAM: Chair, chair, gentlemen!

  DIMMOCK: Now look, Mr Chairman, what I say –

  MALGRIM: Mr Chairman, I only want to point out –

  During these last speeches, the light has been fading, but not the voices, which if anything are louder and louder. Silence when light finally goes. Light comes up at other side of stage for TV ANNOUNCER, either man or woman.

  ANNOUNCER: After the news there will be our usual Cooking For You – tonight it is How To Boil An Egg. Then in tonight’s Hot Spot programme – by special arrangement with the Malagram, Malgrim and Dimmock Travel Agency, we shall be taking you over to the Princess of Peradore and Sam Penty combined Two-world Wedding Feast –

  As light fades, great burst of brassy music.

  SCENE EIGHT

  The Wedding Feast. Brilliant lighting. The whole company is seated at table. In the middle are MELICENT, wearing gorgeous medieval costume, and on her L., beginning the modern half, is SAM, in a dinner jacket. On SAM’s L., are the modern characters. On MELICENT’s R., is first the KING, then the other medieval characters. (Where there has been doubling, the most important character should be in its own half.) There must be the sharpest possible contrast between the two halves, not only in the gorgeous medieval costumes and rather dingy modern evening dress but also in what is on the table, for in the Peradore half the table is loaded down with gigantic and opulent medieval dishes and confections – boar’s head, peacock, swan, barons of beef, a castle of sweetmeats etc and flagons, tankards, etc, etc – while in the modern half everything is very meagre indeed, in the meanest style of public dinner. If it is possible, understudies and/or supers should furnish two or three gorgeous medieval serving men or maids at one side, pouring out enormous helpings of wine and ale, and on the other side a miserable waiter and waitress gingerly filling tiny glasses with something pale.