by Justin Clay
“I came here looking for answers,” I finally say.
“And?”
“And I’m still lost as ever...”
“It takes time, Rian,” he tells me softly. “I’m still not over losing my family and it’s been years now; it may never heal.”
“It won’t; I know it won’t.”
“But you have to try your best, Rian; it’s what June would want, right?”
“I guess,” I whisper. “I’m just tired of this life, Aidan. I want to go away. I want to leave this place. They killed my sister; they’re responsible for this...They were supposed to save her and what happens? They cost me the one thing that kept me going...Now what?”
“You can’t blame them, Rian; they had no idea we were there, and even if they did, it was too late...for everyone...Think about it; what if those aircrafts had never showed up? Do you honestly think we would have survived that? That Infected onslaught? The truth of the matter you have to accept, Rian, is that they saved our lives.”
“By taking away June’s!?” I shout the words before I realize it, my mouth trembling as I continue to look at her grave. “It doesn’t make any sense, Aidan. I wish I was dead instead.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I don’t know anymore.”
“I do.”
“What? What do you know Aidan?”
“I know you’re struggling, Rian,” he says. “You’re trying to understand what happened: why you lost your sister. Some things can’t be understood; we just have to keep moving forward.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“Well that’s up to you Rian,” he says, “but I think you’re better than that...Better than just giving up.”
“There’s no one left alive who cares about me...So why shouldn’t I give up?”
“I care about you Rian.”
“You barely know me.”
“That’s not true.”
“Then tell me, Aidan...Who am I? Who is Rian Prime?”
There’s a weighty pause as I watch Aidan look off, thinking before he answers. “Rian...Rian you’re the strongest person I have ever met in my life...You’ve been through quite a lot and that hasn’t stopped you and neither will this. You’re going to keep on going; you’re going to keep on living despite the pain...Rian, you’re fierce, you’re smart; you’re both kind and independent...You don’t take any shit from anyone...You’re brave...A little rash at times, but you’re alive and that means something.
“You can’t just throw that away,” he tells me with gravity in his voice. “You can’t do that June...Not after everything you two have been through...You can’t do that to her. You have to do what you have been doing all along...Keep living for her...Keep living for June.”
My eyes are closed again; I’m crying, sobbing uncontrollably and I feel Aidan’s embrace around me and I collapse into him, clutching onto him tightly. I don’t let go for a long time. I just remain there, my head buried into his shoulder. I feel like I’ve become one the statues that belong to graves like this. Perpetually heartbroken.
“Come on, Rian,” he encourages me. “It’s time to go.”
“Okay,” I mutter and as we separate, I wipe the last few tears from my face. It’s difficult to think clearly for the pounding headache. I need to get out of here...but something else stronger holds me where I am, unmoving. It causes me to look back onto June’s grave one more time.
I can feel Aidan’s confused stare lingering on me without even having to glance at him. “What is it Rian?” he asks me, concerned.
“It’s just something’s been bothering me,” I tell him, my lips pursed, and hands pocketed.
“What?”
“It’s just this all seems so strange,” I tell him blatantly. “We somehow managed to live through the explosion, albeit me without both of my legs, and somehow survive, yet my sister who I remember was in my arms...I didn’t let go of her, Aidan. She was in my arms; I remember.”
“Okay,” he says, his brow furrowing. “I’m not really sure what you’re getting at, Rian.”
“I just have a hard time believing that she is dead, that’s all,” I tell him, frowning. “That her body is here when neither of us saw her buried, considering we were both unconscious, right?”
He only nods.
“I mean, they just told you they buried her right?”
“Like I told you, Rian,” he says, recalling a couple days after my violent reaction to June’s death; that whole course of events is still a blur in my memory, like unfocused headlights of cars passing too quickly and then out of sight. “After I woke up, they questioned me about you and then your sister June; if I knew you both or what have you and I told them, I did and gave them as much information as I could and then they ended up telling me June had died in the explosion due to head trauma and they had already buried her.”
“It’s just not sitting right with me, Aidan,” I tell him adamantly. “Something’s not right here and I want to figure this out...I need to talk it out; get it out of my head; it’s been there for far too long...I keep looking at June’s grave...The unmarked cross...The fact neither of us saw it happen. Something is just telling me that my sister is still alive and I believe that these people, these Carriers are not telling us everything...
“That maybe they’re holding her against her will somewhere, hidden; that my sister is held captive somewhere in this prison...And she’s alive and she’s scared and she needs me...Am I making any sense? Does this sound crazy to you?”
“Well, yeah, a little,” Aidan tells me the answer I don’t want to hear. “But, as crazy as it sounds, you could be right Rian...It’s just why would they want to hold a little girl captive like that? Why would they want to cover it up and lie to us? That doesn’t make sense, Rian.”
“Yeah,” I agree, sighing, and my eyes look up to the overcast sky as I’m wondering, “that’s just what doesn’t make sense to me either...That’s what I’m still trying to figure out...The reason...Maybe, I should just let this bizarre notion go.”
“Maybe, but Rian,” Aidan says with encouragement, “you should do what feels right to you...If that’s what you want to try and figure out, you will no matter what... That’s the Rian, I know. But if it’s true, it could be a risky path to go down on...It could be very dangerous.”
This time I look dead into Aidan’s eyes, a fire I could feel, beginning to flicker in mine, determined. I think of June and despite of everything, I smile.
Finally, I have some sort of answer. Thank you, June. I now know my path. I now know what I must do.
