by London Casey
“Hey, Sadie,” she said so softly.
My heart ached so bad. So fucking bad. I used to think about this shit. What it would be like if me and Everly ever got caught in bed by Sadie. How it would play out. How we’d get her back to bed. If we’d keep going for it. If we’d laugh.
Instead, I watched Emily coax Sadie.
“Daddy,” Sadie said in a weak voice.
“Sweetheart,” I said. “I’m here. I came to pick you up. You were sleeping.”
“I want to sleep in my bed, Daddy.”
I looked at Emily.
She threw a weak smile.
“Come here,” I said to Sadie.
She walked to me and I scooped her up. Her head went down on my shoulder. Her arms around me. Bo hanging from her right hand.
“I guess I better get going,” I whispered.
“Don’t forget your painting, Jake,” Emily said.
“I never would.”
“Jake.” She touched my arm. She slid her hand down to mine. “Are you really going to hang that up?”
“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks of me. I only give a shit about what Sadie thinks. And how she feels. And how I’m supposed to guide her through life and a world that I don’t understand.”
I watched Emily hesitate for a second. Then she popped up to her toes and kissed my cheek.
“Thank you for trusting me today.”
“Thank you for bailing my ass out.”
“If you need me to bail your ass out again, I will.”
She was flirting. I was flirting. I was also holding my sleeping daughter.
Fuck.
I walked to the front door, Emily following.
My head raced with more thoughts than I was able to control.
I got to the front porch and paused.
Emily touched Sadie’s cheek.
“You know, there was this moment,” she whispered. “When Sadie fell asleep. I tucked her in on the couch and I wanted to kiss her cheek but wasn’t sure if it was appropriate.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that.
My hand spread wider across Sadie’s back. Protection mode.
“I shouldn’t have said that,” Emily whispered.
“It’s okay, Ev. The situation…”
I stopped. I shut my eyes.
I just called her Ev. Short for Everly.
I saw the look on Emily’s face.
“Shit,” I whispered.
“Let me know if you need anything else,” she said.
Emily quickly went into her house and shut the door.
I stood there for a few raw seconds.
Alone again. Carrying my daughter through the darkness of night.
How fitting for the life I lived…
Dear Everly,
I took her to school today. I had to tell her it was school to ease her little heart. She’d been talking about it for a long time, Everly. The place is really nice. I know you’d love it. I was getting lost for a little bit and Mickey came over and made me come to the shop. I did some work. I had Sadie with me. But I got to a point where I saw these guys near our daughter and just knew it wasn’t what I wanted. The smells. The music. The way they all talked. I couldn’t imagine not having her near me all the time but I had no choice.
See, that’s part of this thing… I have to move on. I don’t have a choice. I have to move on. There’s a house. Bills. Taxes. Food.
The first cable bill I got I ripped up. The second one, I lit it on fire and watched it burn to ash. Then they sent a warning letter that I hadn’t paid. I threw that one out too. Then they shut everything off. Right in the middle of a show. Everything fell silent. The TV screen went black. I had no internet connection. Nothing.
So I sat there in silence and wanted to drink. I wanted to go to a bar and drink.
But I couldn’t do that.
Sadie is the thing that keeps me steady. I don’t care how sad that sounds. It’s the damn truth.
She deserves something greater than all I’m trying to carry for her.
I sat her down and talked to her about going to school. I didn’t want to call it daycare. I didn’t want to call it a children’s center or some dumb thing. I wanted it to be school. Because she knew that kids go to school. So she got excited. She’s not happy there’s no school bus for her though.
The first week she was fine with it. Then came the questions. Damn, Everly, she’s you. Always has to have every little detail planned out. Everything needs to be so perfect. Her heart and mind are just so big. Even at her young age. I don’t think she knows what to do with it all. I wish you were here to help her with those emotions that creep up.
Sadie asked me about food, snacks, friends, teachers. She wondered about fire exits! You believe that. She saw it on a show where they were talking about emergencies. A kids cartoon with that shit. I guess in some ways it’s smart, but damn, why can’t kids be kids?
Well, then again, look at what Sadie has gone through. What fucking innocence does she have left?
I promised her we’d get her everything we needed. The place even let us take a private tour. Sadie got to see her desk and meet her teacher. Her eyes lit up when she saw the room for the first time. It’s amazing. The books. The posters. The letters. It’s exactly what she needs. No more having me worry about who’s going to say the word fuck or light up a cigarette too close to her little lungs.
So I took her to the store and guess what kind of backpack she picked out? Unicorn. Between you and her with the unicorn thing, I still don’t like them but I appreciate them. That’s all you’ll get from me on that.
I got her a pencil case, pencils, colored pencils, markers, crayons, and construction paper. Of course, everything I bought for school I had to buy for home. You know why? Because Sadie worried about homework. Under it all though she was worried about school. Going. Being accepted. I could tell. All this newness for her. All this change.
Call me what you want, but I caved and cleared out the aisle of supplies. You would have sworn I was going to supply an entire school with supplies for the kids.
Then came the first day.
Which is right now, Everly.
I’m writing this as I sit in my truck outside the building.
Her teacher joked with me and said I was allowed to sit as long as I wanted. Mickey told me to take as much time as I need. I’m trying to convince myself not to go in and get her.
Not because she’s crying, Everly.
She was a champ.
I walked her to the door.
I was told that’s where I have to let go. That if I go into the room, even once, it’ll become a hard habit to break.
So I crouched down. I kissed her. I hugged her. I told her I’d be there for her soon enough.
She smiled.
Not an ounce of fear in her little dark eyes.
She turned and walked right into the room.
I stayed crouched, rubbing my jaw.
Sadie walked right to her desk. She took off the backpack and put it on her chair. She sat down and went right to work, coloring a picture.
Then the door shut.
I heard her teacher’s voice but couldn’t see.
I stood up and walked away, realizing what I had just done.
I put the trust and care of our daughter into someone else’s hands. If you were here you’d tell me it was going to be fine. That it was part of life. Then you’d cry. I’d hold you for hours. We’d go through all the pictures of her. The pictures of us.
Instead, I’m sitting in my truck.
I’m holding it together, Everly.
I don’t know if I’m doing good or right, but I’m holding it together.
Everyday is some new change in this madness.
And everyday I keep reaching to my right, looking for your hand.
And everyday I just feel air. Cold, lonely air.
I love you endlessly,
Jake
Chapter Sixt
een
Choo-Choo, My Lady
(Jake)
I reached with my right hand and closed my hand around Sadie’s. It felt so good to have her back after a long day. The garage was a fucking mess. Paul was a no show after a night of drinking. A car that came in for a simple oil change turned into a shit show when the customer picked up the car, drove out of the lot, and popped the front tire on the curb. That apparently was our fault for having high curbs.
And that was just the beginning.
But none of that mattered when I felt Sadie’s hand in mine.
“Did you have a good time at Miss Lisa’s?” I asked.
“Not really.”
“No?”
“No,” Sadie said.
“Why not?”
Sadie tugged at my hand. We were halfway down the sidewalk. I looked down at her.
“Daddy, come here,” Sadie said.
I crouched down. My heart sank. I thought about all the crazy stories on the news about kids in daycare or at a babysitter’s house. Being a parent was thinking the worst. Being a single parent was thinking the worst, living most of it out, and never having someone to balance out the bullshit anxiety.
“What’s wrong? What happened?”
“I don’t like it there,” Sadie said.
“Why?”
“I like Emily better,” she said.
I sighed. “Sadie…”
“Emily is nicer. She gave me popcorn. She let me use glitter. And glue. And she didn’t get upset when I spilled my drink on her table.”
“Sadie, Emily is not a babysitter.”
“She can be.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Just give her money. Like you do with Miss Lisa.”
I laughed. I wrapped my arms around Sadie and picked her up. “Let’s just leave this go, Sadie.”
“But Daddy…”
“Sadie,” I said, my voice a little more stern.
Her bottom lip instantly popped out.
The heartstrings were pulled. Hard.
I rubbed her back. “Sweetheart, it’s been a long day, okay? I want to go home and make some dinner and spend time with you.”
“Fine,” Sadie said.
I got her into the truck and drove away, looking back every few seconds, wondering if she was hurt. If she was mad at me. If she was carrying anger and guilt like I was.
I sighed under my breath and looked at my phone in the cup holder.
Days had gone by since my fuck up when I called Emily the wrong name.
On the way home, Sadie’s attitude changed when she saw that the yearly carnival was being set up in the parking lot of the fire department. The boney structure of the ferris wheel was being erected while the rest of the rides and games were folded down, tucked in like sleeping beasts.
“Daddy!” she yelled. “Daddy! Can we go? Can we go?”
“They’re not open tonight, Sadie,” I said.
“But when they open! Can we go? Can we?”
I glanced in the mirror again.
What better way to drop fifty bucks and come home with a piece of junk toy that gets thrown out the next trash day?
“Of course we can,” I said.
Sadie let out a yell of happiness.
She ate dinner without a fight. She took a bath and told all her bath toys about the carnival. She made me make up a story about a carnival at bedtime.
Just when I thought the day was finally over, Sadie hugged me, gave me an extra kiss on the cheek, and she whispered, “You should invite Emily, Daddy. She’s alone, like you are. You two should be together.”
“Glad I got the small one,” I said to Sadie.
She looked up at me with blue lips and blue around her mouth. Even the tip of her nose was blue. She handed me the mostly full stick of cotton candy and touched her stomach.
“I’m full.”
“Great,” I said.
I held her sticky hand as we walking through the lot. The smell of funnel cakes and burgers, the sizzling of fries, the smack of the metal gates, bells ringing, whistles whirring, kids charging around, yelling and laughing.
I hadn’t been to the carnival since…
“Daddy! Look at the train!” Sadie cried out.
Sadie started to pull me. I hurried to toss the cotton candy and grabbed for my back pocket. I pulled out tickets for Sadie to ride the train. Mind you, it was a small train with three cars. It made a circle that was smaller than our backyard.
But for Sadie…
“Here you go,” I said to the ride operator.
He lifted an orange bucket with a, jagged cut hole at the top. I had to put the tickets into the bucket myself. He pushed from his stool and groaned as he opened the metal gate. He gave a nod to Sadie. She took two steps and looked back at me.
“Daddy…?”
“I’m right here,” I said. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll get some pictures, okay?”
Sadie took another step. I saw her right hand twitching. She was looking for Bo.
Dammit.
Somewhere in my mind I pictured Everly breezing right by me. Scooping Sadie up and taking her on the train. Because that’s what she used to do. I used to stand there and watch mother and daughter share moments that could never be replaced and never be taken away. But what could be taken away was the promise of a future of moments.
“Daddy… will you come too?”
The rest of the train was starting to fill up.
The operator looked at me, obviously annoyed that my kid was the one holding up his ride.
“Do you mind?” I asked him.
“Two tickets, brother,” he said.
“You’re kidding?”
“Two tickets,” he said.
I ripped two more tickets off the twenty dollar booklet and tossed them into the bucket. I promised myself I wouldn’t say a word about paying four freaking dollars to ride in a circle for two minutes.
I plastered a smile on my face and took Sadie by the hand. We climbed into the train, which was made for kids. I was hunched over like a giant. My ass didn’t fit in the seat. My knees pressed hard against the train car in front of us. I managed to get an arm around Sadie and I pulled her close.
The operator climbed into the front and blew the weak sounding train whistle.
The ride started to move with a jerk, the cars gently rocking left to right, making me wonder if we were going to tip over. Then again, the thing was barely moving. I could have picked up the train and carried it faster.
I looked over at Sadie and she looked up at me. She smiled.
“Choo-choo,” I whispered and winked.
She held on to me tight.
The train kept going.
“I like this,” she said. “We’re safe from monsters, right?”
“Of course we are, my lady,” I said in my terrible English accent. “No dragon nor evil knight will be able to hurt you now. We will arrive at your castle in approximately-”
“Daddy?” Sadie cut in.
“Yeah?”
“That’s enough. You’re starting to ruin it.”
I laughed.
I tickled Sadie and she let out a laughing cry.
We made our first lap around the tracks and had two more to go.
“Hey, how about a picture?” I asked. “I usually take your picture when I’m standing over there. But now I can take one here.”
“A selfie?” Sadie asked.
I raised an eyebrow. “You know what that is?”
“Of course I do. My friend in class, Madison, she has a camera. Really.”
“Wow,” I said. “Good for Madison.”
“I want a camera.”
“Well, maybe we should take that up later in life. With Santa.”
“He’ll bring it. He always brings what I want.”
I nodded.
I took out my cell phone and Sadie and I got even closer.
Of all the things I had done in my life and thought I would do, I never tho
ught I would be taking a selfie with my daughter in a train at a carnival.
Just thinking that made my head spin.
The weirdest feeling was being around so many people yet feeling so alone. Half the people knew me, knew Sadie, knew the situation. Half of those people wouldn’t even look at us, as though we had done something wrong. The other half of those people only looked at us with sad eyes.
Fucking people.
The train began to make its final time around the tracks.
I took a deep breath.
We still had a long night out, walking, playing games, riding rides, me eventually carrying Sadie because her legs would get sooooo tired. All in a day’s work for me and nothing I would give up.
Except the feeling of reaching to my right and not feeling someone’s hand.
Being alone in a crowd was a low damn feeling.
What I didn’t know was that someone was watching me - the one person who had the ability to change the course of my life again.
Chapter Seventeen
One Ball, One Fish
(Emily)
Julie insisted that I go to the local carnival. Carrie was working a double and chances were unless they were serving booze at the carnival she wouldn’t have gone anyway. Julie told me that it was a good chance to meet people in town and run into the kids and parents outside of the center.
A good thing.
That’s what she called it over and over.
For me, I needed it.
Living next door to Jake had proven to be something more than I ever thought. I blamed myself for getting emotionally attached to Sadie. More so, I was emotionally attached to Jake. To the story I didn’t know. To the tragedy I didn’t cause and I couldn’t fix. I couldn’t bring back what he lost. I couldn’t fix him. There was no timetable on grieving. Hell, I still caught myself more than once yelling for my grandmother. Or catching the entrance theme to the six o’clock news and feeling my throat tighten.
The last few days had been a pleasant distraction as I had caught up with my editor – Alison - who wanted to read some of my poetry. I sent over scanned copies of everything I had been writing. Alison was a woman who turned sixty and refused to accept that time existed. She was vegan, did yoga for hours at a time, and honestly, she looked twenty years younger. When it came time to dive into my writing, she was honest, sometimes ruthless, and always gave me a heads up when things were going to get bad. Sometimes she even sent me certain teas that were meant to calm my soul. Other times, she sent chocolate as an apology for being so honest with my work.
