by London Casey
She emailed me as I was getting ready to go to the carnival.
The email was simple.
You’re getting there. Your heart is opening. Keep cutting, Emily. Don’t be afraid of blood. It’s where life comes from.
Also, I’m taking two of these for submission. I won’t tell you which ones. Great paying opportunity.
I didn’t respond.
It would be great to see new stuff published. It had been over six months since something appeared in print. My last book sold modestly but wasn’t as well received as my first. I needed a follow up… and the so called keep cutting wasn’t working all that well.
Those were my thoughts as I left the house. Instead of staying home, I was going out. But going out meant exploring people, life, and finding inspiration.
There was one thing I really didn’t expect.
To be set up on a date that I didn’t know about.
“You have to get the funnel cake,” Julie said. “I know, it’s terribly unhealthy, but that doesn’t matter tonight. Susie makes the best. I don’t know what she does but it’s perfect. From there, go see Terri at her lemonade truck. To die for.”
“Funnel cake and lemonade,” I said. “Noted.”
“And… behind you.”
“What?”
“Bobby.”
“Bobby?”
Julie nodded. “Friend of a friend. Went through a divorce. He’s single. You’re single.”
“What did you do…”
“Funnel cake and lemonade is on me,” she said and smiled a guilty smile.
“I’m not…”
“Just go talk to him for a minute.”
I looked back. Bobby gave a wave. So he saw me. He knew who I was. Which meant I couldn’t just walk away.
So I went to the picnic table next to a baseball field and sat down across from Bobby.
He had short blonde hair, blue eyes, a clean cut face, and several other small and nonsense features that meant nothing to me and my life. Interestingly enough, I couldn’t believe how cold I felt towards this stranger. As though he was wrong for looking at me. Or that I was wrong for even sitting there. My eyes casually looking around as though someone was going to catch me and yell at me.
Jake.
I didn’t want his name involved…
“I’m sorry about Julie,” Bobby said. “She’s been trying to do this to me for two years now.”
“It’s her way of caring, I’m sure.”
“I know that,” Bobby said. “I also know you’re uncomfortable sitting across from me.”
“Okay, fair enough,” I said. “I came here to walk around and take it all in. I’m the new kid in town.”
Bobby laughed. “Born and raised. Played baseball on the field behind you. Made out with my girlfriend in the dugout behind you. That girlfriend became my wife, the mother of my two sons, and now she’s my ex-wife. So if you need to know anything about Chenton, the little town nobody knows about, let me know.”
I thought of Jake again.
What about Jake? What about Everly? That was her name, right? Did you know them? What… well… what happened to her?
“You look like you want to ask me something.”
I covered my ass. “Your divorce…”
“Right,” he said. “That’s always topic numero uno on a date.”
A date? Sorry, bud, this isn't a date. This is a picnic table at a carnival.
“The divorce,” he said, wiggling his fingers. “By now, the stigma is gone. I don’t care.”
“I didn’t say there was a stigma,” I said.
“Well, what about you. Why are you single?”
“I took care of my sick grandmother until she died. I had no time for a relationship.”
I couldn’t believe I just blurted that out.
Bobby raised an eyebrow. “That’s commendable. Better than my story. We simply didn’t work together. And instead of letting it become years and turn into hate, we agreed to split. We try to be as kind as we can. In fact, she’s here right now with the kids. I’m going to bring them back tomorrow night for my time.”
“I guess that’s good,” I said.
From the corner of my eye, I saw something.
Someone.
I saw Sadie.
I saw Jake.
They were standing at a ride.
A train.
My eyes couldn’t look away.
The gate opened. Sadie walked away from Jake. Then she hesitated. A few moments later Jake walked forward. He threw tickets into a bucket.
Then he took Sadie’s hand and walked her to the train.
I stood up.
“Emily? Are you okay?”
I ignored Bobby.
I watched in amazement as Jake climbed into the tiny train car with Sadie.
I felt a smile creep across my face.
“Emily?”
I looked at Bobby. “What?”
“I was, uh, just saying that since my ex has the kids, I’m free tonight. Right now. I’m not sure how interested you are in actually being at this carnival. I mean, I’ll go win you something… or maybe…”
I pointed at Bobby. I felt a spark inside me I couldn’t remember ever really feeling.
“I have to go,” I said. “You enjoy your time tomorrow with your kids. I have something to do. Tonight. Right now. I’m busy.”
I was never that forthright and in your face. But fuck it. I couldn’t waste anymore of my time in life.
I all but ran from the picnic table to the train ride and watched as Jake sat in the train car. He looked so funny in it. He was so big to begin with but put him on a ride made for kids…
Jake took his phone out and shocked me even more by taking a selfie with Sadie.
I laughed, watching him in his element. Not knowing I was watching. Not needing to put up the tough guy wall and the seriousness he carried like dead weight slapped over his shoulder.
He was just being Jake. Being a father. A damn good father at that. Hell, that train ride alone was more than my father ever did for me.
The train then came to a squeaking stop.
I debated on my next move.
Run. Or stay.
I stayed.
I watched Jake wrestle his way off the train then he took Sadie’s hand. They walked from the gate and Jake looked right at me. He stopped, looked away, looked at me again.
I gave a wave.
“Emily!” Sadie yelled. She broke away from Jake’s hand and ran toward me.
“Sadie!” Jake bellowed.
Sadie was then attached to my legs. I touched her hair, feeling a swell in my throat. I put my head back, swearing to myself I wouldn't lose it.
Not now, Emily. Not now…
I looked forward and Jake was right there. He reached for Sadie.
“Sadie Elizabeth,” he growled. “You do not pull away from me, ever. You do not run away from me, ever. Not in a crowd. Do you understand me?”
“But it was Emily!” Sadie cried out. “I didn’t run…”
“Sadie,” Jake said again.
Sadie closed her mouth and her cheeks turned bright red. Then her eyes filled with tears.
“Hey,” I said, knowing it wasn’t my place to insert my thoughts. “Sadie. Your Daddy is right. Okay? I’m happy you saw me but next time maybe wait, okay? I wasn’t going to go anywhere. I promise.”
I glanced at Jake.
His lip looked ready to snarl. He then cleared his throat. “Let’s forget about this. Okay, Sadie? You hold my hand.”
“Can I hold Emily’s?”
“Emily is here with…”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Came sort of alone. Heard this carnival was the best.”
“It is!” Sadie yelled. “I’m going to win a goldfish this year. Right, Daddy?”
“You get five bucks,” Jake said. “That’s it. Every year.”
“Emily, will you come watch?” Sadie asked.
“Oh, Sadie…”
&nb
sp; “That’s up to you,” Jake said.
“I could use a guided tour around here. Sure.”
“Yay!” Sadie yelled.
Next thing I knew she had my hand in her right hand and Jake’s right hand in her left.
We were walking Sadie, together.
Anyone looking could easily assume it was mother, father, and daughter.
After just a handful of steps, Jake took his hand away from Sadie and rubbed his jaw. I then pulled my hand away, casually, and touched Sadie’s back. Before anything could happen or be said, we stopped at the goldfish game. The game everyone has seen and probably played. Throw a ping pong ball into the bowl and win a goldfish. I was totally convinced the fish bowls were rigged to never let a ball go in.
Jake handed Sadie a five dollar bill.
Sadie proudly walked to the man working the game and gave him the money. He was chewing on an old cigar that looked like a shortened tree root.
“Here you go,” the man said in a rough voice.
He handed Sadie a bucket of ping pong balls. She threw the first one and missed.
Jake then turned and looked at me. “Are you following me?”
“I can’t come to the local carnival?”
He gritted his teeth. “Look, about what happened…”
I touched his arm. “Jake. I’m not mad. I just don’t know anything about it. What happened. Her name is beautiful. “Ever-”
“Don’t,” Jake growled. His nostrils flared. “Don’t ever speak her name. Ever.”
Sadie threw her third ball. Another miss.
“You could talk to me about it, Jake. I’m not going anywhere. We’re neighbors. We’re… something like friends. We could be…”
“What?” he asked. “Tragedy friends? Huh? Is that what you want?”
“Oh, look at that!” the man yelled. “She got the rim! Come on, little lady. Two more to go! Let’s give away a fish right now!”
“If I hurt you or something, I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m just trying to figure out my place.”
“Your place is next door,” Jake said. “Not in my… not in my business. Heart. Nothing.”
“Your heart?” I asked.
“Last one, little lady!” the man yelled.
“Daddy,” Sadie said. “I’m not going to win again.”
Jake reached for Sadie. “Give it your best shot, sweetheart.”
We both watched.
Standing side by side, watching Sadie line up her last shot.
“You both have gotten to my heart too,” I whispered to Jake. “I can’t help how I feel.”
At that exact second I felt Jake’s fingertips touch mine.
Sadie threw the ball.
It bounced from one bowl to another to another and then sank into a bowl.
“I won!” Sadie screamed.
“Look at that!” the man said. “The little lady did it on her final shot!”
“Great,” Jake said. “Now I have a pet to take care of.”
“Daddy! I won! I won! I won!”
Sadie jumped up and down.
“Good job,” Jake said. “Finally, right?”
“Finally!” Sadie squealed.
“Here you go, little lady,” the man said, handing Sadie a clear bag with clear water and a goldfish swimming back and forth, confused.
Sadie turned and held up her goldfish.
I felt Jake’s fingers still touching mine.
I looked at him.
One second he’s pissed. The next he’s holding my hand.
What did any of it mean?
“Daddy, why are you holding Emily’s hand?” Sadie asked.
Jake then crouched, taking his hand from mine.
He ignored his daughter’s question with one of his own. “What are you going to name the fish?”
“Emily,” Sadie said without hesitation.
“What?” Jake asked.
“Emily.”
I laughed. “You’re naming your fish after me?”
“Of course,” Sadie said.
“Why?” Jake asked.
“So it’s like Emily is living with us. So we can be a real family again.”
Imagine being in this carnival. This crowd. The lights and sounds. The rides. The games. The people.
But right then it was complete and total silence.
Jake looked back at me.
I had no idea what I was supposed to say.
I wasn’t there to replace what they lost. They weren’t there to replace what I lost - recently with my grandmother and years ago.
But what if… what if we were all there… together… to create a future?
Chapter Eighteen
Emily in a Bowl
(Jake)
I caught Sadie a split second before she dumped the entire container of fish food into the bowl. I knew better than to jump, yell, and scare her. So I casually walked into the room and showed her how to take a small pinch of food.
“It smells bad,” she said.
“It’s fish food, Sadie. It’s supposed to smell bad.”
I couldn’t believe the goldfish was still alive. Of course we had to get it a fancy bowl. And pink rocks. And a small treasure chest for the bottom of the bowl. Taking Sadie to the pet store was almost as bad as taking her to the toy store. At least toys didn’t come with responsibility. Being in a pet store with her was hard. She wanted everything. In her little, precious mind she could take care of a bird, love a hamster, feed the goldfish, and pet the kitty to make it purr.
In reality, she was lucky to feed the fish.
I crouched in front of her and wiped the corners of her mouth. She had dried toothpaste there.
I checked her hair, clothes, everything else that was needed for the day.
I then picked her up and walked her to the bathroom. I put my foot on a pink princess stool and had her balanced on my knee.
“Ready?” I whispered.
“Ready,” she said.
I looked in the mirror at the reflection of me and her.
“Say it, Sadie,” I whispered.
“I’m Sadie,” she said. “I’m pretty. I’m beautiful. I’m strong. I’m not afraid of anything.”
“You’re not afraid of anything, Sadie,” I said in a deeper voice. My serious voice. “There is nothing out there that can stop you, sweetheart. You’re so smart. You’re so good at everything you set your mind to. You color in the lines, right?”
“And I use scissors,” she said. “And glue.”
“And glue,” I said. “That’s right. Say it again, Sadie.”
“I’m Sadie. I’m pretty. I’m beautiful. I’m strong. I’m not afraid of anything.”
I hugged Sadie and kissed her head, making sure she watched me. I wanted her to remember that reflection. Her words sticking in her brain and heart, but her eyes and memory capturing that I was standing behind her. Because I would forever be behind her, her ultimate protector.
We went downstairs and I grabbed her bag, her lunch, her snack. I was on a personal record of no peanut butter, something that Miss Anderson teased me about but truthfully it was Emily who made sure of it more than me.
Speaking of which…
I opened the front door and barely made it to the edge of the porch before Sadie bolted. Down the steps and down the sidewalk.
Emily was walking to her car, coffee in hand, bag slung over her shoulder.
We shared a quick good morning glance.
Sadie ran to Emily.
Emily put her coffee on the roof of her car. She hurried to open the passenger door and tossed her bag to the seat. Then she hugged Sadie. I couldn’t remember the last morning Sadie didn’t hug Emily.
She connected with her. There was nothing I could do about it.
“Morning,” I called out as I walked to my truck in the driveway.
“Morning, Jake,” Emily said.
“Can Emily drive me to school today?” Sadie asked.
It was our morning routine.
&n
bsp; And each morning I had an excuse ready to go.
This morning? I was tired. Flat out. Straight up. Honest heart. I was tired. I tossed and turned most of the night. I kept thinking about the carnival. Among other situations with Emily. When I did sleep, all I did was dream of a life that could never exist.
“Daddy?” Sadie called out.
I looked at Emily. I raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t mind,” Emily said. “I’m running a little late myself.”
“Fine,” I said. “Sadie… you can go with Emily.”
“Yay!” she screamed.
Without hesitation, Sadie darted to Emily’s car and opened the back door. She climbed up into the booster seat that was still there and buckled the seatbelt.
It was a strange sight.
I walked from my driveway across the grass, over the little white fence, and onto Emily’s grass.
I held out Sadie’s bag.
“How’s the fish?” Emily asked with a smile.
“Kept me up all night,” I said. “Needed to be fed every two hours.”
Emily laughed. “That’s cute.”
“You’re running late, huh? You never run late, Emily.”
“Have you been watching me?” she asked. “Seeing when I leave and come home?”
“Maybe I have been.”
“That’s stalker stuff, Jake. Or maybe you’re just jealous. Worried I’ll give someone else attention.”
I laughed. “No jealousy here, Emily.”
“No?”
“You couldn’t walk away from me if you tried,” I said. “You like giving me attention. There’s nobody else like me.”
“That I agree with,” Emily said. “I really have to get going.”
“Then go. Nobody is holding you here.”
Emily had a hand on Sadie’s bag. So did I. We were in this dumb flirty tug-o-war thing with my daughter’s bag for daycare.
I couldn’t believe the words on the tip of my tongue. I couldn’t believe my own restraint. I couldn’t believe my own fear. Yeah, fear. The one thing I refused Sadie to have. I was a hypocrite.
