Dear Everly,

by London Casey

  (Jake)

  I wiped my hands and scrubbed them. Sometimes I couldn’t get my hands fully clean until I showered at home. But today I scrubbed my hands for a long damn time in the bathroom at the garage. I stood there with my left leg stuck out holding the door open because of the fucking smell.

  Finally, Mickey came into the bathroom and shut the water off.

  “What the hell?” I asked.

  “You paying the water this month?”

  “I will,” I said and turned the water back on.

  Mickey crossed his arms. “You’re worried about being clean?”

  “Shut up.”

  I turned the water off and dried my hands. I looked at myself in the mirror. I touched my hair. My face. Scratched at the scruff on my face. I curled my lip. I looked like a slob. A fucking messy slob.

  “What is this?” Mickey asked.

  “I have to go see someone.”

  “The doc? Getting that shit off your chest?”

  I curled my lip at Mickey. “No. I’m going to go visit someone else. Someone I haven’t seen in a while. Need to talk to her.”

  “To her,” Mickey said. “Damn. Okay. To her.”

  “How do I look, Mick?”

  Mickey licked his thumb and rubbed my cheek, just to be a prick. Then he slapped my face hard.

  “You look like shit,” he said. “But she expects that from you. Always. It’s part of your charm, Jake. Now go see her. It’s about damn time.”

  I lingered in the bathroom until Mickey kicked me out. He did so by saying he had to go to the bathroom. When I didn’t move right away, he turned and dropped his jeans, showing off his wrinkly ass.

  That got me out of there.

  I was going to see her… no matter how much it hurt.

  I was on one knee. I wiped away the debris of leaves, sticks, dirt, and overgrown grass and weeds like I used to wipe the hair out of her face. She always seemed to stand with the wind to her back, throwing her hair into her face. I was forever tucking her hair behind her ear, battling it. I think she did it on purpose so I would always be touching her.

  Now she was reduced to a name cut into a piece of stone with two dates and an angel. There was no other evidence of her existence in the ground. The grass was thick and well grown, needing to be cut. And yet, on one knee, I was hovering over her.

  It was fucking creepy and it was fucking infuriating.

  I tossed all the junk away from the headstone. I traced her name with my finger. I lowered my head and fell forward, putting the top of my head against the headstone. I reached up and gripped the top of the smooth stone.

  “I miss you,” I whispered. “Oh God, you don’t know how much I miss you, Everly.”

  I paused as though she would be able to respond.

  “But something is happening here,” I said. “I feel guilty for this. The way time is just shoving me forward. Everyone tells me to move forward. To live for the future. I don’t want to. But it’s pushing me. If you were here, you’d have an answer for me. But if you were here I wouldn’t be in this position. So what the fuck do I do now?”

  Again, silence. Again, nothing but my breathing and my own thoughts.

  I shut my eyes and wished I could smell her. Just one more time.

  “I’m sorry for getting loud,” I said. “I still write you. I told you I would. When I had to say my final goodbye, I said I would write you. I just wonder about what I’ll write next and what you would think. People give opinions. Everyone has something to say to me. I try to block it out. I don’t know happiness without you, Everly. But lately… I’ve been feeling okay. And that’s got to mean something. I know I’ll never get a sign from you. I know that’s not how this works. But I want you to know that when I say I love you endlessly I mean it. I forever mean it. No matter what happens next. I forever mean it.”

  I put my head to the stone again. Then, like a grieving fool, I pressed my lips to the stone. Years of weather, time, and probably more bird shit than I cared to know about has hit that stone. And there I was, kissing it, wishing it was her cheek. Wishing I could catch that whiff of lavender one more time. Touch her bare shoulder and trace lines down her body, making sure she didn’t go to bed without being well taken care of. The way a real woman should have be taken care of.

  The way I took care of Emily… and wanted to do so again…

  I squeezed my eyes shut tight.

  I wouldn’t cry.

  I wouldn’t let a single tear seep into the ground and make its way to her.

  Not a fucking chance in hell.

  I saved all my tears for when I got back into my truck.

  “Would you like-a a spicy-a meat-a-ball?” I asked, clapping a set of tongs together, speaking in an Italian accent that was just plain horrible.

  Sadie giggled and covered her mouth.

  “What?” I asked.

  “Daddy… stop that…”

  “No, I won’t-a,” I said.

  I looked over at Emily.

  Sitting in her chair.

  I blinked, chasing away anything that resembled a comparison.

  “Well?” I asked Sadie again.

  “Two, please,” she said. “And did you cut my basketti?” (Her version of saying spaghetti and it was just too cute to correct, at least for now.)

  “Yes I did cut your basketti,” I said.

  I put two meatballs on her plate.

  I carried the pot down to Emily.

  “So, Emily,” I said. “Are you ready for the ultra famous top of the line special meatballs?”

  “I’m not sure,” she said. She looked at Sadie. “How do they taste?”

  Sadie took a bite. She put all her fingers together on her left hand and kissed the tips of her fingers. She opened her hand and exclaimed, “Perfecto!”

  Emily burst into laughter.

  “Where did you… never mind,” I said.

  “I’ll take some of the super famous best ever meatballs, sure,” Emily said to me.

  I leaned down as I served her the food. Goddamn, right then, I had the urge to kiss her. But I didn’t want to do anything in front of Sadie. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

  I chased the thoughts away again.

  “Emily,” I said. “Serious question.”

  “Okay…”

  “Do you want me to cut your basketti?”

  Emily smirked. “I think I can survive without.” Then she mouthed asshole to me.

  I took my seat.

  There was a bowl of spaghetti on the table. A pot of sauce. A pot of meatballs. A green salad. Croutons, two dressings, bacon bits, tortilla strips, parmesan cheese, and drinks.

  An actual dinner.

  A family dinner.

  A fucking family dinner.

  I forced the thoughts away yet again and focused on my food.

  The thing with kids is that no matter what you do, when it comes to pasta and sauce, they’re going to make a mess that seems impossible. I’m talking sauce in their hair, spaghetti looped around an ear, streaks of food down clothing, finger painting with sauce on the table, and always a fresh stain on the carpet.

  Sadie looked like she had dipped her face and head into the sauce and then into the pasta bowl.

  But I didn’t say a word.

  Someday I’d miss cleaning up a huge mess.

  When we were done eating, I took the three plates.

  “What’s the verdict?” I asked Emily.

  “The super greatest funnest best-est most-est good… ever.”

  “Right,” I said with a laugh.

  Emily was quick to jump up and start to help me.

  She carried the bowl of salad into the kitchen, along with the dressings. I watched as she put the salad bowl down (too close to the edge for my liking) and she opened the fridge. She put the dressings away (in the wrong fucking spots).

  “I got this,” I finally said. “I’m… I’ll clean up.”

  I felt my nerves getting jumpy.

  “Okay,” Emily
said. “What can I do to help?”

  “Daddy, I need a shower,” Sadie said. “I’m covered in sauce.”

  “Gee, I wonder how that happened,” I said. “Let me finish up here and then I’ll get you in the shower.”

  “Daddy! I’m dirty. I want a shower now!”

  “Sadie…”

  “I can help her,” Emily said. She touched my arm. “I mean, if that’s okay?”

  “Yay!” Sadie yelled. She grabbed for Emily’s hand, smothering sauce up to Emily’s wrist.

  “Sadie,” I snapped. “Don’t touch anything or anyone.” I looked at Emily. “Yeah, fine. Go take her.”

  “Jake…”

  “Just go,” I growled.

  “Come on, Emily,” Sadie said.

  “You go ahead,” Emily said. “Don’t touch anything though, okay? Just your clothes.”

  Sadie scurried away.

  “You okay?” Emily asked me.

  “Yeah. Great. Fine. Yeah.”

  “Okay…”

  I dropped the plates into the sink and turned around. Emily just stood there. Challenging me. In my way. In my face. Right up in all of my business.

  “Jake,” she said. “You could tell me if something is not okay. I don’t have to help Sadie. I don’t even have to be here.”

  I sighed. “Right. Well, my daughter is upstairs covered in spaghetti sauce. Unattended. So either someone goes to help her or I’ll be doing laundry all night and looking up how to get sauce stains out of sheets and stuffed animals.”

  “You know, Jake, it’s really sexy when you talk like that.”

  I smiled. “Yeah, right.”

  “I’m serious. It’s really sexy.”

  Emily closed in on me. I looked down at her. Her body pressed against mine.

  She got up on her toes and kissed my chin.

  “I’ve been waiting to do that all night,” she whispered.

  “Yeah?” I asked. “What about this?”

  I grabbed her by the waist and lifted her up. I spun around and balanced her on the edge of the sink. She let out a little yell and grabbed the edge. But face it, I’d never let her fall and get hurt or let her ass get soaked in the sink.

  My lips crashed to hers faster than my mind could keep up.

  It felt good. It felt normal. It felt okay to do.

  Emily let out a sigh as we kissed harder.

  Time slipped away only to be brought back by a small voice.

  “Not again.”

  I pulled away from the kiss and turned my head to see Sadie standing in the dining room with a dry towel around her body.

  “Sadie,” I said.

  “Emily got something in her eye again?”

  “Yes,” Emily said.

  “Yeah,” I added.

  “I don’t know how to turn on the shower,” Sadie said.

  “Right,” Emily said and she slithered to put her feet on the floor. “Let’s take care of that.”

  “Hey, Emily?”

  “Yes, Sadie?”

  “Maybe you should get glasses,” Sadie said. “To keep stuff from getting into your eye so much.”

  Emily looked back at me. Her cheeks were red.

  Fucking beautiful.

  I faced the sink and washed the dishes and loaded up the dishwasher as the shower ran upstairs. When I was done I stood at the bottom of the stairs and listened. I heard Sadie giggling. I heard Emily trying to make funny voices and noises. It was everything I ever wanted for Sadie. Everything she needed. Shit, in less than ten years Sadie would start to become a woman. Then what? I’d have to explain to her how to take care of herself? But a woman like Emily…

  She’s not her mother. It’s a big thing to deal with. It’s a life of constant doubt for both of them if this thing gets any more serious…

  I made a fist and bit it.

  My heart and brain and body were in this battle where there would be no winner.

  And my soul was just floating around, living in the past.

  I could fix it all though.

  Just go upstairs and grab Emily. Kiss her. Tell her how I felt. Tell her everything. And then…

  I took the first step into a new kind of fate.

  What waited for me when I got to the top of the stairs would change my entire relationship with Emily.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  In the Rain, In My Heart

  (Emily)

  I stepped out of the bathroom as Sadie was getting ready to get out of the shower. I know we were both girls, women, whatever, but I didn’t want to overstep the privacy thing at all. I had been sitting on the floor while Sadie showered, talking, telling funny stories and jokes. It was so… relaxing. I felt like I was at home. Which was strange because I was in someone else’s home.

  As I stood outside the door, I heard the sound of Sadie drying.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  “Fine,” she said.

  A moment later she opened the door. A towel around her body. She frowned.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Will you brush my hair?”

  “Of course. Why don’t you get dressed and I’ll brush your hair.”

  Sadie walked down the hall to her bedroom.

  So far I had seen Sadie’s bedroom and that was it. If the house was anything like mine, then behind me down the hall was Jake’s room. A room that used to be something else.

  Curiosity won the best of me and I started to walk down the hall. I regretted it the second I did it. But I couldn’t help myself. I went down to the door and reached for the doorknob. Behind the door was the master bedroom. Where Jake slept. Where Jake grieved. Where I wanted Jake to… heal. To love. To laugh. To…

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  I let out a yell and jumped.

  I spun and Jake was a foot away.

  “Jake.”

  “You can’t go in there,” he growled at me.

  “Jake… I wasn’t… I was…”

  “Emily?” Sadie asked, popping out from her bedroom.

  “Sadie, go into your room,” Jake said.

  “Emily is going to brush my hair,” she said.

  “No she’s not,” Jake said. “She has to go.”

  “Jake…”

  “Right?” Jake said with gritted teeth.

  My back was stiff against the door.

  “Sadie, I’m sorry,” I said. “I forgot I had something to do. I’ll make it up to you. Okay, sweetie? Go into your room.”

  “Fine,” Sadie said. “This night used to be fun.”

  The door shut.

  “Jake.”

  “Get out,” he said. “Just get out right now. You don’t get to come into this house and act like you own it.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You sat in her chair,” Jake said. “You put the dressings in the wrong spot. You tried to help so much. Just stop it. And now the room?”

  “Your room,” I said. “I wanted to… I don’t know. I like you, Jake. I just wanted to see where you slept.”

  “I don’t sleep in there,” he said.

  “What?”

  “I haven’t gone in that fucking room since…” Jake turned and faced the wall. He put two fists to the wall and shook his head. “Go home, Emily. Right now.”

  “Jake… I don’t want to…”

  “I didn’t ask,” he said. “I’m telling you to go.”

  “I didn’t mean to sit in her chair,” I said. “I would never do anything to hurt you. To hurt her memory.”

  “Don’t say it like that,” Jake growled. He opened his hands and spread them across the wall. He put his head to the wall. “Don’t say it… like she’s gone… forever…”

  “Jake, what do you think…”

  “Emily,” he said. “Just go. This is what I warned you about. Get the hell out of my house before I call the police.”

  Both of my eyebrows went high in the air. Threatening me with the police?

  I slowly crept
by Jake. I thought about putting my hand to his back but I held back. I just walked down the hallway, looking at Sadie’s door. My heart ached and ripped into two. I wanted to stay and fight back at Jake but I didn’t want to make things so bad that I wouldn’t see him or Sadie ever again.

  Remember when Jake brought me breakfast to make me not feel like I was dirty? I didn’t feel dirty then. I felt alive. Vibrant. Happy. But as I walked through his house, alone, knowing he and Sadie were hurting, that’s when I felt dirty.

  During the walk across the lawn to my house I started to feel myself choke up a little. I went into my house and turned on the light in the living room. I had a house. I had stuff in that house. But I didn’t have a home.

  I felt like I was going to be sick.

  I fell to my knees and grabbed my stomach.

  It’s happening again… I’m going to lose everything I love…

  We begin to see the horizon, little fingers pulling, climbing, your touch to my back. Shivers are

  everywhere we go we reach for hands that are hopefully empty. Hands that we

  can hold me forever through the sunrise and beyond. The day is new but these feelings are

  from yesterday while flirting with tomorrow. As soft as a feather with air ripping above and below, holding… holding…

  holding… everything in place. I finally, oh finally, I feel it. I feel

  steady

  because of

  you.

  I stood and walked to the door and opened it. I threw the notebook and pen to the table. I was done writing. I felt so empty and wasted even though I was far from drunk.

  There was a little breeze outside and I had felt a few droplets of rain hit me. Little tears falling from the night’s sky. I couldn't see a single star because of the cloud cover. But I could see Jake’s house.

  I didn’t know what else I could do.

  I didn’t know how to just let go either, if that was possible.

  My mind tried to go back in time… to when something happened…

  I shut my eyes and grabbed my beer.

  I felt a little lick to my cheek and touched it, feeling the wetness from the raindrop.

  Checking my phone I saw there was rain coming.

  Of course there would be rain. Why not pack on the emotions even more. I was supposed to brush Sadie’s hair. I wanted to watch her bedtime routine with Jake. I wanted my heart full. I wanted to go downstairs with Jake and have him alone. See him in his own home. See him comfortable. All the little things we both wanted so bad.