Kenra didn’t stay around to hear any of that though.
“Look, I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you and my sister—heavy shit apparently—but you guys need to figure it out and quick. She won’t stay forever, and I won’t have either of you making Kalani uncomfortable with the bullshit tension Kenra trying to create.” He eyes me. “I love my sister, but she’s not acting right. This is your home just as much as it is Kalani’s. If Kenra keeps this shit up, you’ll need to be the one to tell her to go.” He looks off before sighing and glancing back. “We can’t help her if she doesn’t wanna be helped, man. But we can’t let her come in here and fuck up the good thing we’ve all got going, sister or not.”
I look off, nodding.
He’s right. Completely.
But, right or not, I know myself, and I could never deny her.
He sees it, and his shoulders sag as he turns to walk back the way he came.
I get where he’s coming from. He doesn’t want his sister to hurt. He has no clue what she’s up against, but he does know what it’ll do to Lolli if things here change. He won’t stand for that.
I know exactly what Kenra’s doing. She thinks she’s sly, but I see. All this—the love and support and just flat-out good living we’ve got going, the relaxing on the beach and bonfires and everything—it’s getting to her. She’s remembering what life is supposed to feel like, desperate to be a part of it instead of sitting on the sidelines, watching.
And she has no idea what to do about it.
“He says he’s excited about the baby,” Payton whispers, pulling the large hoodie that must belong to Deaton over her knees. “Says we’ll figure it all out.” Her voice cracks with her last word, and she drops her head, crying into her hands.
“Hey now.” I wrap my arm around her, trying to pull her closer to me, but she shrugs away.
It’s just her and me out here, sitting on the last step of the patio, looking out at the waves.
“I don’t want to have to figure anything out. I had it all figured out before this happened! My showcase senior year and then college. Deaton was going to a go to school that was only an hour or so away, and we’d see each other every weekend and evenings we had free—kind of like Nate and Lolli do. A baby will ruin everything.”
“I don’t know much about it, Peep, but that can’t be true. I know the timing isn’t ideal, but things like this usually happen for a reason, right?”
She lifts her head to glare at me, her nose red from crying. “What, did you suddenly start going to church when you left? Are you really feeding me fate lines right now?” She scowls. “Our mother shamed our father from being who he really was and convinced him to stop loving us because of it. Mom fed you Adderall and pumped you with performance enhancers for years—before your body was ready for the shit she gave it, almost causing you to have a heart attack. She literally taught me how to be bulimic because image was everything.
“You think she’ll let me keep this baby and not find a way to groom it from birth to be all the things we’re not? She’ll either give it away or take it away.” She cries, and I stay silent. I’ve got nothing good to say, and flipping my shit over my mom forcing a sixteen-year-old girl to have an eating disorder is not what she needs right now. “And there’s no telling what she’ll do to Deaton for ‘ruining me.’”
“Look, Peep, I’m sorry, but straight-up? Fuck her.”
Payton rolls her eyes and looks off.
“Do what feels right, Peep. Only you know what that is.”
She cries for a few moments before finally turning and letting me hold her. “I’m not ready for this, Parker. I’m not ready.”
“I know, Peep. I know.”
She sniffles, and we both turn when the sliding glass door opens.
Deaton steps out, shutting the door behind him as he slips his hands in his khaki slacks. He gives her a soft smile, and she sighs beside me.
I tap her knee, grab a beer from the ice chest, and head down the steps to give them some privacy. Instead of heading for my hammock, I make my way down the beach, stopping when I reach the old dock I’ve noticed goes unused.
An hour or more goes by before the sun starts to set, and the waves grow stronger. Right when I’m about to head back, I hear her footsteps behind and decide to sit still.
“Can I join you?” Kenra asks, but she’s already dropping down beside me. Sitting Indian-style, she bends forward to peek over the edge that my legs are dangling off of.
Neither of us says anything for a while, but it’s her who breaks the silence.
“I had cards made for you and Nate, little candy leis, too.” My brows pull in, but I keep my eyes on the ocean. “The cards were giant ones, and each sang a song. Nate was such a cocky brat for so long, so his song was”—she laughs quietly—“Number One’ by Nelly.” I chuckle, and she bumps my shoulder with hers. “Perfect, right?”
“Yeah, Kens. It is.”
“Wanna know what yours was?” she whispers.
I clench my teeth, my chest tightening. “I don’t know,” I answer honestly.
“Can I tell you anyway?”
My body shakes with a small laugh, and I nod, glancing the opposite way from where she sits.
“Daughtry …” She trails off, and I squeeze my eyes shut. “‘It’s Not Over.’”
My head snaps her way, and our eyes lock.
“The cards,” she whispers, “they were for graduation. I was supposed to be there. I had it all planned. I’d surprise my mom and dad, and we’d go together and watch Nate graduate, watch you graduate. And, after, I was gonna find you. Hug you. Tell you how much I missed you,” she cries. “I was coming home, Parker. For good. For you.”
I hop to my feet, and she’s slow to follow.
Forcing my breathing steady, I shift to face her. “You were coming home?”
She nods her head, tears spilling over her cheeks. “I was coming to you.”
I rush to her, my hands casing in her cheeks, my eyes rapidly flicking between hers.
“Parker”—her brows squeeze together, her hands shooting up to cover mine—“don’t do it.”
“I have to.” I know it’s wrong, but it’s also more right than anything else.
I slightly bend at the knees, touching my forehead to hers. Her chest heaves against me, her heartbeat blending into mine. My nose brushes hers, and a sharp breath leaves her.
“Please …” she pleads but sways closer.
My body’s vibrating as I pull her against me, step in even more, and then my lips are on hers, and if I didn’t know it already, this was the sign—nobody could ever take her place.
Her soft lips melt against me, her body sagging into mine. Our mouths open at the same time, and when my tongue sweeps inside, tasting her for the first time, a shiver rakes through both entire bodies.
Her hands slide up my chest and around my neck, and mine glide across her back, pulling her against me, one slipping into her hair at the base of her neck, gently tilting her head so that I can kiss her harder, show her what she does to me.
She pulls back gasping for air, a deep flush making it’s way up her neck and cheeks. She leans forward, sliding her shaky lips across mine before burying her face in my neck.
I cradle her to me, overcome by a calmness I’ve never known.
We stand there, holding on to one another, both lost in thought for a while before finally making our way back. The house is clear when we return, everyone hidden away in their rooms, and silently, we make our way to our own.
She glances at me, a small smile on her lips, before quietly shutting her door, and I do the same.
I drop onto my bed and stare up at the ceiling.
This can’t be like all the times before. I can’t let her go.
I need her to stay.
Everything inside me burns. Heat and hope and hate all teeter at the edge of my skin, making me ready to explode.
He kissed me and I didn’t stop him.
And I’m engaged to be married.
And I don’t feel the least bit sorry for it.
It was everything I’d thought it would be, overpowering in the best way. I could hardly even breathe, my heart rate went crazy, and I was sure I’d pass out. But his large hands slid up my back, opening up my lungs, recharging my body with a sensation I couldn’t control or explain. I felt his longing meet mine, and everything clicked into place for the first time.
I brush my hair out and dig to the bottom of my makeup bag, finding the one and only rubber band I own—the one I use to tie my hair back when I wash my face.
With a deep breath, I gather all my hair and tie it up, but it’s so foreign to me anymore that I frown at it in the mirror, pull it out to try again. And then I try for a messy bun, and it looks even worse.
With a groan, I pull out the tie and brush through it once more. I snatch my keys and purse from the bed, and sneak toward the front door.
“Leavin’?”
With a small yelp, I spin around and smooth my shirt down. “I …”
Parker’s shoulders drop a few inches, but his face remains blank. It makes my chest ache.
“No.” I shake my head and pull myself from the door, making my way to him.
He eyes me, standing taller, the more I near. “No?”
Again, I shake my head but slower this time with my eyes on his. “No, I’m not. I’m going to Ari’s. But I’ll be back.”
“You’ll be back.”
My head lowers, and I fight a grin as I look back to him. “Yeah, Parker, I will be back.”
He swallows, cutting his eyes away. “Okay.”
“Okay.” I stare at him, and he chuckles lightly, bringing his eyes back to mine.
“I’m gonna stand right here, right in front of you, Kens, so if you’re going, you’re gonna have to be the one to move.” He smirks, and I laugh, backing up toward the door.
“I’ll see you in a bit, Safety.”
He winks and watches me until I pull the door closed, and goddamn that wink.
As I walk to my car, anxiety starts to build.
There’s so much still not right, so many things still in the way, but recklessness is inevitable at this point.
Everything’s likely to blow up in my face at the end of this, but I’m not sure I have it in me to care right now.
“Hey, fuckface.” Lolli gives me a small push in my hammock and then moves to sit on her swing.
I grin as she squints her eyes at it a moment before readjusting the cushion she’s added to the seat.
“Saw you and the vagina-yielding Monroe walking up the beach last night. She looked a little sad … but you, my dearest best friend, looked mighty … settled.” She raises a playful brow and stares at me over her coffee mug.
“Settled you say?”
“Don’t fuck with me before I’ve had my coffee.”
I laugh lightly and look out over the ocean. “Sometimes, we’ve gotta break a few rules, right, Lolli Bear?” I repeat her earlier words to me.
She’s quiet a moment, and I know she’s got me. I did something that, under normal circumstances, I’d never even consider. My mother cheated on my dad for years, trying to sleep her way to a richer fortune; the six-figure monthly income my father brought in wasn’t enough for Ava Baylor.
But our situation is anything but normal.
This is me and Kenra. Nothing could trump that.
“Tell me something, Hero …” She trails off. “Say she stayed, that she and her dick of a dude split, will you ever be able to fully trust she won’t leave again? I mean, would that fear ever really go away?”
My eyes pinch at the edges as I consider her question.
Could I? Would a time ever come when I wouldn’t be worried I’d wake up, and she’d be gone?
I sit up to face her. “I have no idea, Lolli Bear.”
She sips her coffee, her earnest gaze free of judgment and full of understanding. “I still wait for the floor to fall from under me. Every day, every time Nate leaves, the entire time he’s gone, I feel tension in my chest.” She looks off. “Like I’m constantly expecting my phone to ring, and someone on the other end will tell he’s not coming back. I hate it. Don’t know how to get rid of it.” She looks back to me, and I offer her a soft smile. “Me and you? We’re accustomed to bad shit. I think, even in the good, we’ll expect the bad.”
“I think you’re right.”
“So, we just … deal with it … right? Nothing we can do?” Her forehead creases as she stares at the sand, and my brows dip.
I shift to stand and go to kneel in front of her. It takes a second, but her eyes shift to mine, and I see the turmoil there.
“What’s goin’ on, Lolli?”
“We’re supposed to be talking about you right now,” she whispers.
I chuckle. “Yeah, but that question wasn’t just about me and Kenra. We’ll cover me later, promise. But right now?” I level her with a knowing look. “Talk to me.”
“Nate has to go back to school tomorrow for a few days. A two-day camp, and then he’ll be back, he says.”
“Okay …” I slowly coax her, and her eyes snap to mine.
“Nate won’t stop talking about Payton and the baby,” she rushes out. “He’s like … really excited about it.”
Oh shit.
I swipe a hand down my face, studying her. “Lolli.”
She jumps off the swing, twisting her hair into a ball on top of her head, her sweater hanging down to her knees. “I mean, was I supposed to think about this stuff before? Like, were we supposed to have a conversation or something? Because, fuck me, I—”
“Stop,” I interrupt her, and she clamps her mouth shut, frowning my way. “I don’t think whatever you’re about to say is for me to hear before Nate. You need to talk to him.”
She starts frantically shaking her head, panic I haven’t seen from her in months beginning to flood her blue eyes. “I can’t. What if … no, I can’t.”
I grab her hand and pull her in. Slowly, she hugs me back, but I can feel her labored breath as she fights against her anxiety.
I pull my phone from my pocket and quickly text Nate.
Me: Swing. Now.
He’s the only one who can help with her panic attacks. As far as I know, this is the first one she’s had in months.
“His family, Hero, they’re different. They … held hands and sang songs as kids, had bedtime stories, and made cookies and shit for Christmas. They loved different than my parents did.”
I see over her shoulder when Nate steps off the porch and frowns our way. He starts toward us.
Her body starts shaking, and I squeeze her tighter.
“I don’t know how to be that. I can’t tell Nate—”
“Kalani,” Nate rumbles, and she freezes against me.
I step back, and he steps in, bending at the knee to swoop her up, and then they’re gone.
Payton and Deaton are just coming down the steps as they pass, and their gazes swing from them to me.
“Hey,” she calls, trying to read what’s happening. “What’s wrong with her?”
I sigh and then smile at my sister. “Nothing. She’s just having a bad day, is all.”
Payton frowns and looks off.
I know she doesn’t like it when I give her roundabout answers she doesn’t understand, but it’s all I’ve got for her in situations like this.
“Whatever. Ari and Cameron asked us to come over for lunch. Guess Kenra’s over there already. Wanna come?”
I try not to focus on the movement but can’t help but notice how she gently pushes Deaton’s hands away when they land on her lower stomach from behind.
“Yeah, I’ll come.”
Payton nods and looks off before starting ahead of the both of us.
Neither Deaton or I take a single step until she’s a good fifteen feet down the beach, and then we move to follow behind.
“She won’t talk about it,” he speaks quietly.
“I think she’s scared.”
“I know she’s scared. I’m scared, but she’s pregnant with my child, Parker. I need to talk about it.”
“What’s your plan exactly, Deaton? You’re seventeen years old, dude. ’Bout to start your senior year in high school. I don’t know a damn thing about you, so I don’t even know if I should like you. History tells me no.” I stop, and he does, too, facing me with confidence. “I hear you’re not him, but tell me that for yourself.”
He locks his stare with mine, intensity rolling off him. “I am not my brother. I am not my father, and I sure as hell am nothing like my mother. I was on the path toward all that, yes. I was numb to what was right and didn’t give a damn. Looked for the prettiest, smartest girl I could find, one I could groom, just like my mother had instructed. Payton was exactly the type of girl my mother wanted me to pull in. Except she wasn’t. She was so much more. As fucked up in the head as I was, we fought all eighth grade year. Then, when she was pulled and moved schools, after you moved, I convinced my mother I needed to switch, too, to keep her. Took me two weeks to fall for her and took me a year to get her to trust me enough to show her. I would give up everything I have for her without a second thought. Instantly. Always.”
I eye him, and damn if I don’t believe him.
“I’m all alone in this, just like she is. It’s just me and her. We both know our parents will toss us when they realize we plan to live our lives for ourselves. We’re okay with that. This baby though, it’s spooked her, and I’m trying to be patient, but I need to hear her say we’ve got this. Because I know we can do it. It’ll be hard as hell, but we can do it.”
With a sigh, I clamp a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t know how to help you, but I believe you.”
He lets out a chuckle, but it cracks. “Well, at least you’re not feeding me bullshit.”
I laugh lightly, and he grins.
We make it to the others beach house, and he turns to block me from walking up the steps.
“Look, Parker, it’s obvious there’s history between you and Kenra, and for what it’s worth, I know my brother doesn’t deserve her. I have no respect for him and what he’s pulled to keep her. I hope she leaves him.”
Defenseless Hearts (A Tender Hearts Novel Book 2) Page 15
