The dream he never thought possible could have come true with her. Until he ruined it. She worries about his enemies, yet the real danger lurks within him. “Why would you want that with me? What if I hurt them too?” He shakes his head, refusing to allow the images of her as his wife holding their baby to undermine his resolve. “No, I have to keep you safe, and you’re not when you’re with me.”
“Please don’t push me away. I’m not afraid. I swear.”
She lies to herself as well as him. Her earlier resistance to come to him proves her wrong. In her cardigan and long dress, he fears what else she’s hiding. “Did I hurt you any place else?”
Shaking her head, she curls the sleeves of her sweater around her fingers, resting them against her chest. “No.”
Grateful yet not relieved, he gulps for air. The bruises on her arms are enough to make him want to put a bullet in his head. He can’t take much more. “I need to know what happened.”
“Knowing won’t change anything.”
“If you won’t, I’ll make Max tell me. So you might as well do it.”
She sits back on her heels, smoothing out her dress across her lap. Almost a minute passes before she opens her mouth to speak, her brow furrowing as if she attempts to choose the right words. “You didn’t know who I was, or want me there.” Hesitation fills her soft voice while confusion churns in his mind. Her words make no sense. She’s the one person he always wants, the only woman he’s ever needed.
With trembling hands, she squeezes the soft, pink fabric between her fingers. “You thought I did something with Shae and grabbed my wrists, trying to make me tell you what I did to her. Max pulled out his gun…”
His mind races, trying to fathom how he could have been so out of control. With her. Enough to make Max threaten him.
She shakes her head, a faraway look in her eyes, remembering something only she can see. “I couldn’t get through to you. You were so furious. I was afraid you were going to…”
“What?”
Her eyes widen, and her hands fly to her mouth at the realization of what she was going to say.
Fire engulfs his body at the explosion in his head, darkness overcoming everything he sees, everything inside him dying at the words she’s too scared to speak. “You thought I was going to kill you.”
Memories pummel him like hail. His mother cowering in fear as his father grabs her arm over the phone message she forgot to give him. Flipping the table and chasing after her when his dinner wasn’t hot enough. Begging Nick to play quietly while his father napped. Wearing long sleeves and pants, even on the hottest days, to hide the evidence of the torture.
Battered from his own hands, she sits before him, desperate to ease his guilt. But her sweetness can never absolve him of what’s he’s done to her. Or what he’s become. “I’ve turned into my father.”
She shakes her head and reaches for his hand. “No! That’s not true. You’re nothing like him.”
His fingertips press against the grout, unwilling to let her grasp his fingers. “He terrorized my mother and made her life hell. Now, I’ve done the same thing to you.”
“It wasn’t like that. You weren’t yourself. You couldn’t help it.”
“I can’t take a chance it could happen again.”
Tears roll down her beautiful face as she stands in front of him, fisting his shirt in her hands. “Why are you doing this?”
“Don’t you understand? My worst fucking nightmare has come true.” An involuntary gag shudders through his body, strangling his voice to a whisper, “I hurt you.”
“I thought you loved me. I thought you wanted to marry me. You said what we had was real.”
I thought. He’s finally ruined everything he worked so hard to build between them. Just like he knew he would. “It was, until I destroyed it.”
Her eyes widen, as if a realization occurs. “You don’t really love me, or you would want to make this work. We could get through this if you would try.” She releases the fabric and swipes at her tears with trembling hands. Her face flushes before she steps backward. Outrage flashes in her eyes. “Why do you get to make the decisions? I’ve put everything into this relationship. Now, you decide it’s over, and I’m just supposed to walk away?”
Her eyes glaze over as she holds the sides of her head. A blank expression crosses her face, and she retreats into her own mind. “I was such a fool. You swore you loved me and you’d never hurt me. I believed you, and it was all a lie.”
Her accusations test all his strength not to deny, not to take her in his arms and soothe her pain. Only anger will make her walk out the door and away from him.
She shakes her head while she wanders around the room, stuffing her phone and water bottle into her bag. “Everyone warned me, but I wouldn’t listen. I didn’t care, because all I wanted to do was be with you. How could I have been so stupid?”
As if he’s not there, she berates herself. Months of welled-up uncertainty unfurls at the demise of their relationship. “I almost lost everything, and it was all for nothing.” Her head drops down, a ragged breath shuddering her body, destroying him with her defeat. “Was any of it true? Did you even really love me?”
Max and Jacks walk in the room. Their conversation instantly ends as Max looks from Shae to Nick. “What’s going on?”
It’s finally over. He forces himself to say the words he never thought he could accept. “She’s leaving.”
Her chest heaves up and down as she meets his gaze, his own pain reflected back in hers. “I wish I’d never met you.”
He should think the same thing, but can’t. He never will. Not when perfection stands in front of him for the last time. His only glimpse of heaven before she’s gone. He points toward Max. “Take her home.”
Both men remain motionless.
“Get her out of here!”
Max nods to Jacks. “Take her downstairs to the limo. I’ll be there in a minute.”
She never looks back as Jacks escorts her out of the room. Once the door closes, Max turns to him. “What the hell have you done?”
Defeated from fighting his own demons, he slides down to the floor again. “Fixed my mistake.”
* * * *
Her forced smile evaporates at the click of the bedroom door behind her. She doesn’t have to pretend with Carrie and Nathan anymore that everything’s okay. That she’s okay. Tears roll down her cheeks as she drops the handle of her suitcase and climbs into bed. A cruel trick by her imagination, she can almost smell Nick’s citrusy cologne on her pillow from the last time he was here. The day she moved into his house, blissfully unaware of the looming pain from coming back.
Ignoring Max’s pleas to give Nick a chance to calm down, she’d packed her things and asked Jacks to drive her home. Take her back to her old life. Now, with four of Nick’s men standing guard outside her house, she’s safe like he wants. If only he could have cared about what she wants.
* * * *
A single lamp burns in the darkened bedroom, reflecting the emptiness of the space. And of his life. She’s gone and not ever coming back. A note on the nightstand bears his name written in her flowing handwriting. He crumples the paper before dropping it into the trash can and pouring himself a glass of whiskey. It doesn’t matter if it’s drugged or not. Nothing matters anymore.
Chapter Fifteen
Shae rolls over, blinking from the sunlight framing the edges of the blinds. A new day supposedly means a fresh start. Yet her old life beckons, even emptier than before. One without Jason and soon to be separated from Carrie and Nathan once they get married. Everyone moving on with the person they love. Everyone except her.
“Shae?”
Carrie’s whisper implies the possibility she might be asleep, that she hadn’t huddled in bed all night watching the minutes tick by in the darkness. Checking her phone a thousand times. Listening for his car outside. Praying it’s all a bad dream, yet realizing her nightmare occurs in real life.
She pulls th
e covers from her face and clears the frogginess from her throat. “Yes?”
“Do you want some breakfast? I made French toast.”
Shame fills the emptiness in her chest. While she hides, Carrie cooks her favorite breakfast, attempting to distract her from the pain. Yet, no amount of syrup and powdered sugar can lessen the heartbreak. “Thanks, but I’m not really hungry.”
“Are you sure? I can make something else if you want.”
“No, I’m good. Thanks anyway.”
“Okay.”
The door handle clicks shut, and she’s alone. A familiar feeling she thought she’d never experience again. Fooled by the intensity of Nick’s love, she let herself be lulled into believing they would always have each other. Now he’s gone, taking her new little family with him. Marta, Max, Jacks, all ripped out of her life by two simple words.
It’s over.
The hollowness of his face as he told her floats behind her closed eyelids. Damaged by his father more than she realized, he sacrifices his own happiness trying to ensure the cycle of abuse ends with him. Unwilling to accept the fact that the desire to inflict cruelty upon the woman he loves never existed in him to begin with.
“Shae?”
“Yes.”
“It’s beautiful outside. Do you want to go for a run?”
Usually the perfect remedy to clear her mind and ease her tension, a marathon couldn’t help her today. “Not right now. Maybe this afternoon.”
“It is afternoon.”
“Oh, okay. Maybe tomorrow.”
Carrie’s deep sigh fades down the hallway as she walks away. Her friend doesn’t deserve this, shouldn’t be burdened with having to worry over her. Yet she can’t force herself to get up and go after her. Nothing can be said to make either of them feel better.
Closing her eyes again, she imagines the feel of Nick’s arm around her waist, his lips on her shoulder. The tickle of his hair from nuzzling her neck as they cuddle. How with just one touch, his moan would vibrate in her ear, and he would slide off her negligee, making her laugh before stealing her breath as he made love to her. Tender yet insistent, his restrained passion always burning under the surface, yet forever gentle in his touch. Consuming her with his love, stirring her desire and answering her need. All the moments she took for granted, not knowing she would soon be back in her own bed without him.
She jostles slightly at the covers rustling next to her, but doesn’t open her eyes. The tart scent of green apple Jolly Ranchers drifts across the pillow. Carrie. “What are you doing?”
“Max is here. He wants to talk to you.”
Her heart constricts. Another friend caught in the middle. Another reminder of her loss. “I can’t. He’ll want to talk about…” She chokes back a sob, unable to say his name. “What happened.”
“We’re worried about you. Please get up.”
The tears she’s been fighting finally win and roll down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. It just hurts so much. I can’t do this. I don’t think I can take not being with him.”
Carrie curls around her, stroking her hair, just like Nick used to. “I know it seems that way now. But you’re stronger than you think. You got over Evan. You’re doing all right after your mom. You’ll be okay.”
“Why did he do this? He said he loved me.”
“He’s hurting just like you are. Max said he’s a mess and needs you.”
Even in her frustration, all she wants to do is wrap her arms around him and ease his pain. Her presence used to bring him comfort. Now, he won’t let her near him. “If he needed me, he wouldn’t have pushed me away.”
“It doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes, we do the opposite of what we really should.”
“Then tell me what I should do.”
“Talk to Max. He’s your friend too. You don’t have to do anything else, but at least listen to what he has to say.”
Shae nods, unable to refuse at her friend’s deep frown or the worry burning in her gaze. The covers slide down her body as Carrie sits up.
“You still have your dress on from yesterday.” Pity laces Carrie’s voice.
Yes, she is pitiful and feeling sorry for herself. Changing clothes and taking a shower too much of a bother when you’re busy trying to hold the pieces of your heart together. But she can’t take it out on Max.
Carrie climbs off the bed, and a few minutes later, a knock vibrates against the wood before the door opens. “Can I come in?”
Max’s hesitant voice stabs her heart. He stands awkwardly by the doorway, holding a white box, taking care of them even when they’re the ones to make the mess. She pushes herself up and leans against the headboard, wrapping the blanket over her shoulders. “You can sit down if you want. I promise not to freak out on you.”
“It’s okay if you do. I’d understand.” He sits on the end of the bed and lays the package next to him. “These are for you.”
The scent of sugar accented with more sugar fills the air as he lifts the lid. Chocolate covered long johns with whipped cream peeking out of the ends lay side by side like decadent soldiers. “You remembered.”
He winks and holds up a finger, mimicking her proclamation of pastry rules during their first visit to the bakery. “No custard. Has to be the real stuff.”
“Thank you. But you didn’t have to bribe me. I would have let you in.”
“I know, but I was in the mood for them, so this was my excuse.”
She can’t help but smile at his pretend ploy, trying to ease some of her heartache. “Ah, I see. So, you’re just using me to get your fix.”
He grins too before nodding, then his face falls slack. “How are you?”
Devastated. Shocked. Broken. But, she can’t say any of those without making the tears start again, without making him feel worse than he already does. She runs her hand across the bedspread and takes a deep breath. “Why did you want to talk to me?”
“Nick’s upset you left the house. He wants you to move back in.”
Her heart skips a beat. He’s sent Max for her. He wants her back. Yet, doubt hums in her subconscious. Nick would talk to her himself if he wanted to get back together. “I don’t understand.”
“It’s not safe for you to stay here.”
“He doesn’t want to be with me, but he wants me to live with him?”
He maintains his perfected emotionless expression, but his eyes reveal the embarrassing truth. “Not with him. He’s going to stay at the hotel I arranged for you when you almost broke up before.”
Humiliation stings her cheeks. She’s a pathetic fool. He loves her enough to protect her from his enemies and the unwarranted need from himself, yet not enough to be with her. “So, now that we’re really broken up, he’s moving out, and I get to live alone in his house. That’s crazy.”
“He’s not making much sense right now, but this I agree with. The threats from Juan and Spencer are still there. We can protect you better at the house.”
“No, I can’t go back there.” Not without him. “Besides, they won’t care about me anymore. I’m sure…” Her voice wavers at the thought. “Ex-girlfriends don’t rate high on the list of targets.”
“I don’t want to take the chance and find out. Please come back.”
Worry lines his face, but the guilt rolling through her is not enough to make her change her mind. Not powerful enough for her to endure any more pain from living without Nick. She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. You can guard my house or whatever you want to do, but I’m not going back.”
“Okay. I’ll make arrangements to increase the security here and when you go out.”
They sit in silence as Max rubs the back of his neck. The dark circles under his eyes reflect the strain all of this has been on him too. “He checked himself out of the hospital against doctor’s orders.”
Her chest throbs. Nick punishes himself for no reason, and she’s not there to take care of him. “Is he okay?”
“No. Marta’s trying her best, but you
know how he is.”
Yes, she knows. Stubborn, protective, loving. All the things that make her love him and him hate himself.
“I was hoping you would try to talk to him. He might listen to you.”
If that were true, she’d be with him. Helping him recover. Making sure he doesn’t push too hard. Instead of here, alone and miserable. “He said everything that needs to be said yesterday. He doesn’t want me.”
“We both know that’s not true.”
“I'm not sure of anything anymore.”
He blows out a deep breath before standing up and bending over to hug her. “I’d better go. I’m sorry about all this.”
Her eyes sting with tears as her voice is stolen from the sob bubbling in her throat. “Me too.”
“I guess we’re not good?”
She shakes her head. The one thing she knows for sure. “We’re always good. You and I are still friends, no matter what.”
He nods and closes the door behind him. She presses against the headboard, fearful it’s the last time she’ll ever see him. Anger courses through her. Nick’s blind stubbornness hurts all of them. She has to get through to him. Grabbing her phone, she taps on the screen.
Can we please talk? We can work this out. I want to be with you. I love you.
I love you too.
Her breath catches at his response. A sliver of hope swells inside her.
Then please talk to me.
Nothing left to say. We don’t belong together.
She refuses to give up. They have too much to fight for.
Yes, we do. You’re all I want.
No. Anyone but me.
Nausea rolls through her stomach at his suggestion.
Really? That’s what you want? Me with another man?
Yes. Marry Evan like you were supposed to. He’s the man for you. You’ll be safe and happy.
Not happy. I’m miserable without you.
You were never mine to love. We shouldn’t have been together. You know it’s true, or you would have told me you loved me.
Wine and Whiskey (Surviving Absolution #1) Page 28
