Wine and Whiskey (Surviving Absolution #1)

by Nikki Belaire

  “Please just let me go. Everyone’s watching. Do you know how humiliating it is they all know what a fool I’ve been?”

  “I don’t give a damn what anyone else thinks. All I care about is you. That you believe me. I didn’t sleep with her.”

  “You were in her bed.”

  Her defeated tone churns his gut. A few minutes of weakness he’d kill to take back. Seeking relief from his self-torment, Jessica’s harshness made him long for Shae even more. “Nothing happened. I couldn’t go through with it.”

  “It doesn’t change the fact you wanted to.”

  What he wanted was to erase the image of Evan making love to the woman he was too stubborn and stupid to hang onto. The thought of her smiling up at him, welcoming his touch, crying out his name, drove him over the edge. “I was upset you were with Evan.”

  Her body stiffens, and she whips around to face him. “Well, I guess we’re even then.”

  “No, it isn’t like that. It wasn’t about revenge.”

  “Then what was it about?”

  That she was over him already. Her feelings for him were gone, and she had moved on with someone else. “I couldn’t believe you wanted to be with him.”

  “I didn’t!” Frustration pulses in her voice. “I wanted you, but you rejected me. I was only with him because I’m…”

  “You’re what?”

  Her eyes grow wide, and she drops her head before wrapping her arms around herself. “Nothing. Forget it.”

  She hiding something from him. Another one of that idiot’s schemes he talked her into. “No. I want to know why you were going to marry Evan.”

  “I was never going to. He just thought that, but I couldn’t marry him because I’m in love with you.”

  Her declarations of love have only come during times of distress. He would give anything to hear her tell him while wrapped in his arms. Only the two of them, the rest of the world ceasing to exist. “Just like me. I can’t be with anyone else but you.”

  "You hurt me. I hurt you back. You hurt me again. That’s not how love is supposed to be. Maybe we aren’t meant to be together.”

  Her voice as raw as her words, she has no idea the devastation she causes with her suggestion. He has to make her understand they’re worth fighting for. “No. You just came back into my life.” He gently touches her arm, crossed over her body, as if protecting her heart. “I won’t lose you again.”

  She tilts her head and gives him a small smile, contrasting with the tears glistening in her eyes. “You don’t need me. You have your girlfriend and your daughter.”

  Max steps closer to Nick. “We need to take this inside. It’s not safe for them to be out here like this.”

  Nick nods, but doesn’t turn away from her. “Will you please come in the house? We need to talk about this.”

  “Hurry up, Nicky,” Jessica whines behind him. “Emme’s getting hungry. I need to feed her and put her down for a nap.”

  Nick glances back at her, using every ounce of willpower to keep his voice steady. “Go inside. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  When he turns around, Shae stares at the ground. “It’s been a long day. I’m tired and want to go home. You go ahead and take care of your daughter. That’s what’s important right now.”

  “I’ll never see you again, will I? Do you know how much it kills me to have you run away from me after everything we’ve been through?”

  “After what we’ve been through? Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me?” She rubs her hands over her face before pressing them against the sides of her head. “For three weeks, all I did was pray and hope you would come back to me. But I never heard from you. Not a text or a phone call. You never showed up at my door. I was devastated. It was so bad Carrie had to take care of me because I was so upset I couldn’t take care of myself.”

  Redness creeps up her cheeks as her eyes widen and voice grows louder. The first time she’s ever yelled at him. “The only thing keeping me going was thinking there was a chance we could get back together. That I could somehow convince you that you wouldn’t hurt me. But now, I realize the truth. I didn’t hear from you because you were just fine. You weren’t upset. Or sad. You just didn’t care. You moved on with someone else and never gave me a second thought.”

  Each accusation hits him like a bullet to the chest. “That’s not true. None of what you just said is true.”

  Tears run down her cheeks as she ignores him. “Please, Carter, can we go now?”

  “Shae?”

  She shakes her head and climbs into the car, never looking at him as Carter backs out of the driveway and drives down the street.

  “Nicky? Are you coming?”

  He puts his fists to his eyes. “Yeah.”

  Max moves her car out of the way, and the gates open. Nick follows behind Jessica as she marches to the house. Emme lifts her head and looks at him, her inquisitive blue eyes studying him. None of this is her fault. He has to get his temper under control for her.

  Inside the house, Jessica rummages through the refrigerator and pulls out slices of cheese. Emme’s eyes light up, and she reaches on tiptoes, trying to grab them from her mother’s hand. “Just a minute, Emme. I’m trying to find you something else.”

  His jaw clenches at Jessica’s shortness. “Here, I’ll get them for you.” He swipes the small stack from Jessica’s hand, and Emme waddles over to him. He scoops her up and sits her on the table edge in front of him. Tiny toes curl against his stomach as he tears off bite size pieces and lays them flat in his hand. She grasps them with her thumb and forefinger and quickly shoves them into her mouth, making him laugh. “I guess we can confirm you like cheese.”

  Her delicate pink fingers pat his, reminding him his improvised plate is empty. He tears off more, and she gobbles them up. “Are you a kid or a mouse?”

  Jessica hands him a plate with banana slices. “She loves these too.”

  Smashing the pieces in her hand before stuffing them in her mouth, Emme starts to slow down on the fifth bite. She rubs her heavy eyes, getting tiny pieces of fruit on her long lashes.

  “How old is she?”

  “She was one last week.”

  A whole year of her life without him. If she’s really his, he’s missed out on so much. “How could you have kept her from me?”

  “When Kevin and I broke up, he made her take a paternity test, and it wasn’t him.”

  Disgust rather than jealousy courses through him. He knew she had numerous lovers before him, but never expected any of them to be simultaneous. “You were cheating on me when we were together?”

  “Not that you cared. You didn’t even notice.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I left hints, trying to make you jealous, but you were oblivious. Even if you knew, you probably wouldn’t have cared.” She strokes Emme’s hair as she talks. “I did everything I could so you would want me for more than just sex. But it never worked. You always took off as soon as we were done. Or, when I was here, I knew you were always trying to figure out how to get rid of me.”

  Now, he pays the price. All those years of living without concern for himself or anyone else comes back to haunt him. “I’m sorry I was a dick. But I didn’t know until the end you wanted more. I thought you were happy with just sex.”

  “I was at first. But then I fell in love with you. You would hold me so close in bed and make me feel like you wanted me so much. Then afterward, it was like we were just fuck buddies going our separate ways. When I told you how I felt, you broke up with me.”

  The first time he’s ever seen Jessica let down the hardness she’s built around herself. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just didn’t feel the same way, and I didn’t think we should be together knowing we weren’t just…‘fuck buddies’ anymore.” Emme yawns and reaches for Jessica. “You must be a good mom. I can tell how much she loves you.”

  “She’ll love you too, once she gets to know you.”

  They
always used a condom. Always. Never once did he forget. But it’s difficult to deny how much Emme looks like him. “I don’t want to argue, but we need to do the test. I have to know the truth.”

  “Okay. When you find out for sure, what are you going to do?”

  Be a better father than his ever was. Protect her with the same level of security he has for Shae. Make sure her life is perfect. “Take care of her. I want her to be a part of my life. We’ll set up a schedule or something. Maybe she can stay here on weekends. And I’ll make sure you’ll never have to worry about anything.”

  “That’s it?”

  “If she’s mine, she’ll know I’m her father. I’ll never let her think or feel otherwise.”

  “What about me?”

  He meets her gaze, so she has no doubt of his intentions. “Whatever you need, it’s yours.”

  “But not your love.”

  Only another argument can come out of this discussion. He drives his hand through his hair. “Jessica—”

  “We could move in and be a family.” Her free hand reaches for his. “The three of us. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about visiting her. She would always be here.”

  “You know it won’t work. We can’t get along well enough to live together.”

  “You’re a real asshole, you know that?”

  And the Jessica he knows is back. “Yeah, I know. What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to love me. I want you look at me like you look at Shae.”

  He ignores her pleas. Answering will only anger the beast. He nods toward the little head resting on her shoulder. “You’re welcome to let her sleep here, but I have to go out.”

  “You’re going after her, aren’t you?”

  He stands up and gestures toward the living room. “I don’t know when I’ll be back. You can stay as long as you want. Marta can help you with anything you need.”

  Her red face pinches in anger. “Fuck that shit. I’m leaving. I’m not going to fucking sit around and wait for you.”

  “Fine. I’ll take the test, and we’ll go from there.”

  “Fuck you, Nick. All you need is right here. You would never have to chase after me. I hope she’s worth it.”

  She is. “I’ll talk to you on Monday.”

  They walk outside in silence, except for her huffs and sighs. After she buckles Emme in her car seat and drives off, he climbs into his car. No Max or Carter this time. Only he can fix this.

  When he gets there, Shae’s SUV sits in the garage, but the other two bays are empty. He manages a half-wave to one of the security guys while he jogs up the sidewalk to her porch. All his thoughts circle around finding the right words to convince her of his faithfulness.

  The last time he chased her here, he proved how much he loves her. This time won’t be so easy. After no response to his knock on the front door, he pushes it open and steps inside. “Shae?”

  The living room, kitchen, and deck are all empty. Guilt rolls through him for being in her house without her permission, but he has to see her. He walks down the hall to her bedroom, the open door revealing the emptiness. He taps on the bathroom door. “Shae?”

  “Nick?”

  Although muffled, he can still hear the sadness in her voice. “Yeah, it’s me. I’m sorry for barging in, but I need to talk to you.” No answer. At least she doesn’t tell him to leave. “Please, sweetness? I need to tell you something.”

  After a long minute, she replies, “What?”

  He starts to turn the knob, but forces his hand back. She didn’t say “come in.” With the door closed, she keeps a barrier between them. Hopefully, his words will be enough to break it down. “I know I brought all of this on myself. I deserve everything you said. But you have to know what the last three weeks have been like for me, without you.”

  Her pink robe lies across the foot of her bed. He fights the urge to pick it up and lose himself in her flowery scent. “When I found out I hurt you, I think I went out of my mind. Every time I closed my eyes all I could see were the…”

  He can’t bring himself to say the word. “So, all I did was drink. I wanted to be numb and not feel the pain of you being gone. I probably would have drunk myself to death if Max and Carter hadn’t stopped me. The only thing keeping me going was the need to keep you safe. You were all I could think about during the day and all I would dream about at night.”

  Fury wells up in his chest at his own stupidity. “When you left the party with Evan, I lost it. I hated myself for telling you to be with him. The thought of the two of you together pushed me over the edge. I got drunk and made Jacks take me to Jessica’s. I just wanted to feel something that didn’t remind me of you. Something the exact opposite of you.”

  He leans his forehead against the door, the coolness of the wood a welcome relief from the heat burning his face. “But it didn’t work. You were all I could think about, and I realized I couldn’t be with her or anyone else. So, no matter what happens, I can’t live with myself if you think for even a second you weren’t everything I thought about and who I wished I was with. It’s always been you. No one else but you.”

  His sanity hangs by a thread. She has to believe him. “Please, sweetness. Tell me you know how much I love you.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Shae claws at the fingers digging into her cheeks, fighting their merciless grip over her mouth. Cool, smooth metal presses against her temple, clashing with the hot adrenaline racing through her trembling body. Unaware she’s not alone listening to his heartfelt words, Nick reminds her of what she already knows. Now, she may never have the chance to tell him what he deserves to hear.

  “I said get rid of him.”

  She winces at the hardness of the voice in her ear before nodding. At the removal of his hand, she lifts her head, trying to fill her lungs, cheated from oxygen for too long. He thrusts the gun deeper into her skin at the delay, urging her to speak. She forces herself to protect Nick, to say the words that will break both of their hearts. “It doesn’t matter. It’s over. Please just go.”

  “You don’t mean that.” Nick’s muffled, yet defeated voice comes through the closed bathroom door. “Shae?”

  “I’ll kill him if you don’t get him to leave.” Another harsh whisper burns against her skin.

  Her mind goes blank, all her acting skills useless with the man she loves in jeopardy. She can’t find the right words. She can’t do anything but hope he knows her heart more than he believes her words. “No…” Her voice cracks, ruining her attempt to sound calm. “No, thank you. I can’t do this tonight.”

  “What?” The door knob rattles. “Are you okay?”

  A small yelp escapes her mouth from her captor yanking her head back by the hair. Beads of sweat dribble down his forehead and dampen her cheek as he presses his head against hers. “Damn it! What are you doing? Fix it!”

  She turns her head away from his slick skin and his reprimand. “I’m doing the best I can.”

  “Who’s in there?” The pounding of Nick’s fist echoes through the room. “Open the fucking door!”

  “Shit!” He hisses next to her face before jerking her backward toward the window, her heels scraping across the tile. Ripped out of the lock from the force of Nick’s foot, the door cracks across the middle before sagging on its hinges. The elbow around her neck tightens, and her fingernails scrape at his forearm, trying to relieve the pressure against her windpipe. Thoughts of Nick and their baby provide the only spark in her mind to fight the darkness engulfing her.

  “Don’t make me hurt her. Back the fuck up.”

  Rage contorts Nick’s face, his wide eyes reflecting her own shock at his cousin’s betrayal. His words spew out through clenched teeth. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  Carter nods toward the door. “Implementing plan B. She’s step one. Now get the fuck out of the way.”

  “Like hell I will.” Nick lunges toward him, but flails backward from the force of the bullet hitting him at close range. Bloo
d gushes down his body as he bounces off the gouged drywall and drops to the floor.

  Her scream ricochets across the tile, and she reaches for him, but Carter drags her past him. “Don’t follow us, or she’ll be next.”

  Her mind races, trying to figure out how to reach through the madness consuming Carter, how to make him understand what he’s done to Nick. “Please, Carter. We can’t leave him like this.”

  They stumble down the hallway, framed memories of her career crashing to the floor as they graze against the wall. Mementos, once seemingly so important, now worthless. She arches away from him, but he yanks her closer. “Come on.”

  She grasps his shirt and tries to meet his gaze. With all they’ve been through, Nick’s never needed her more than this moment. “I’m begging you. Please let me help him.”

  The gun presses deeper into her ribs as he opens the side door and jerks her into the garage. He pauses to release the hood on her SUV and yanks out a small gray box from the tire well. After tossing it on the ground, he crushes it with his foot. “That’ll give us a little bit of a head start.” Cold and methodical, he lacks any emotion or remorse. As if he handed Nick a file rather than riddled him with a bullet.

  “You just shot him! Don’t you even care?”

  “Shut up!” His whisper is more unnerving than if he yelled. He opens the passenger side door and pushes her inside. “If you try to alert the guards, my next shot will kill him.”

  The empty expression on his face contrasts with the loaded threat he issues. He hops in the driver’s seat and throws the car in reverse. In the driveway, he nods at the security detail, all unaware their boss lies bleeding inside. He rolls down the window a few inches and motions to Oscar. His voice and demeanor convey confidence, yet his grip tightens and loosens around the gear shift, revealing his anxiety. “Nick asked me to take Shae to her manager’s office. We’ll be back in a few minutes. No need for an escort.”

  Oscar frowns and glances back toward the house. “Are you sure? Mr. DeMarco gave strict orders she’s never to leave without—”