Pregnant Midwife On His Doorstep

by Marion Lennox

  He frowned. ‘So why do you need a breast pump?’

  ‘For Ron.’

  ‘Ron?’

  ‘Later Ron,’ she said, and grimaced. ‘Forward planning.’

  ‘You’re scared your milk might dry up?’

  ‘Not in a million years,’ she said, as she dipped a toast soldier and cast another dark look at the equipment. ‘I seem to have more milk than a dairy full of Friesians, and I’m planning to take advantage of it. I’m training my body to think it’s feeding twins. Whenever Erin finishes, my plan is to pump what’s left over and freeze it. That way, when I go back to work in six weeks the women in the hospital creche will be able to feed her my milk.’

  What was there in that to make him seem to freeze himself?

  ‘In six weeks,’ he said slowly. ‘Hannah, you can’t go back that soon.’

  ‘Of course I can. Lots of women do. I have a good job to go back to, I had a lovely normal birth and I have creche arranged onsite.’

  ‘But surely you don’t want to.’

  ‘You think I have a choice?’ Her eyes flashed anger but then she caught herself. ‘Sorry. That was uncalled for. But it’s a reality, Josh. I’m a single mum on a limited income, but I’ll be fine. You’ve set me up brilliantly and as soon as I can get this contraption working all will fall into place.’

  ‘I can help you financially. That’d give you space to spend more time with her. Hannah, let me—’

  ‘No.’ She said it almost harshly. ‘Josh, enough. I’ve needed you and needed you and needed you, but you need to allow me to regain my dignity, to get on with my own life. We’re fine, Erin and me. I won’t hang on your sleeve a moment longer.’

  ‘I don’t mind.’

  ‘No, but I do.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I can’t allow myself to depend on you any more, Josh. You don’t want that and neither do I.’

  He didn’t want to be needed?

  He didn’t. He’d made that vow three years ago. Almost unconsciously his fingers moved to the scar running down the side of his face. He thought of the first time he’d felt it—as a dressing. His hand had gone to the dressing almost before he’d opened his eyes. Then he’d woken and Madison was there, and the pain he’d seen in her eyes had been bone deep.

  He looked down at Hannah, who was consciously focusing on her toast fingers. He looked at the tiny bundle in the bassinet beside her.

  How could he let her continue to need him? He’d hurt her. Eventually he must.

  ‘It’s okay,’ Hannah said gently into the stillness. ‘I get it, Josh. You need to be alone. For what you’ve done... Josh, I’ll love you for ever, but now it’s time for you to go.’

  It was.

  Somehow he made it out of the room. Somehow he was packed and he and Dudley were in his truck, and Hannah’s apartment was a dreary block of bricks disappearing in the rear-view mirror.

  ‘I’ll be back to visit,’ he’d told her.

  ‘Of course you will,’ she’d said in a voice that had been none too steady. ‘There’s a little matter of two puppies that are legally yours the moment they’re able to leave their mum. Eight weeks?’

  ‘I’ll be back before that,’ he told her.

  She took his hands and she kissed him. Lightly, though, a fleeting kiss, and he hadn’t had the courage to take it further.

  ‘A quick visit only,’ she said gently. ‘Josh, thank you but I no longer need you.’

  His truck disappeared into the distance. She walked back inside and closed the door behind her.

  And sank onto the floor and buried her face in her hands.

  Why did she want to sob?

  ‘I love him.’ She said it out loud and Maisie heard and snuffled out to investigate the pain in her new mistress’s voice.

  ‘I’ll get over it.’ She hugged Maisie hard and Maisie licked her face in canine incomprehension.

  She would get over it. He’d been her hero when she’d needed him and that was all. She was now a competent midwife, a caring mother and a responsible dog owner, with no need for Josh at all.

  ‘And even if I do need him...because...

  ‘There’s no because,’ she said sharply, causing Maisie to back off in confusion. ‘Men. Who needs them?’

  But Maisie was looking at the door. Dudley was gone, too.

  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, we need to move on,’ she told Maisie. ‘We need a snack. Or more than a snack. It’s ten in the morning and neither of us have eaten for a whole two hours. We nursing mothers need to maintain our strength. Food’s a much more important focus than men we don’t need.’

  But as she and her dog headed for the kitchen to check the fridge—which was loaded, thanks to Josh’s generosity and forethought—Maisie kept glancing back at the door.

  As did Hannah.

  ‘They’re gone,’ she told Maisie, trying to sound sensible, determined, a woman in charge of her world. ‘We need to move on. One ham sandwich coming up. Or two? Anything we want, Maisie, girl.’

  Anything we want?

  She moved into ham-sandwich production but still her eyes kept drifting to the door.

  Anything she wanted?

  She knew what she wanted, and it wasn’t going to happen.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  THE CALL CAME at seven at night.

  None of his research team would ring him at this hour. It’d be Madison, Josh thought, as he abandoned the research paper he’d been wading through and reached for his phone. Four weeks ago he’d resented any interruption, including calls from his bossy big sister. Now he was grateful. It was so hard to keep his focus on his work.

  It was so hard to keep his focus on anything but a woman and a baby in Townsville.

  ‘Hi, Madison,’ he said into the phone.

  ‘Josh, it’s Hannah.’

  His breathing seemed to stop.

  Why did this woman have this effect on him? Why did his world seem to stop when he heard her?

  He’d been to Townsville twice since he’d left her. Well, he’d had to. His team was based at the university, and while he was dropping in it would have been surly not to detour to see how Hannah, baby and dogs were going.

  He’d played with the pups, getting bigger and cheekier every day. He’d held Erin, feeling the newborn smell of her, cradling her, being amazed at the changes in her. He’d given Hannah time to wash her hair or duck out to the shops, or do whatever was hard with a newborn baby. He’d stayed when he’d been useful, but when there was no need for him he’d had no place there.

  But now this. The phone call. What was wrong? Something was. He could hear it in her voice. He could almost see her, at this time of evening maybe already in her PJs, because that was the most comfortable outfit she owned. Her crazy sumo cat pyjamas? He needed to block that vision.

  Why was there panic in her voice?

  ‘What’s wrong, Hannah?’ And then, because this was Hannah... ‘What can I do?’

  ‘Oh, Josh...’ She hiccupped on a sob and his world seemed to still.

  He thought of Erin as he’d last seen her, a bundle of milky contentment. He’d cradled her while Hannah had taken herself off to get a haircut, and he’d looked into her little face and felt a tug so strong he’d almost panicked.

  ‘I’ll come,’ he said, and he heard Hannah gasp and then struggle to pull herself together.

  ‘No. I... It’s not that urgent. At least... Josh, I don’t know how to ask.’

  ‘Then take a deep breath and tell me what’s not that urgent,’ he told her, his heart rate settling a little. Nothing appalling, then?

  ‘It’s Gran,’ she told him, stuttering a little as she got the words out. ‘In Dublin. You know I’ve told you about her. Josh, she’s dying. They rang from the hospice this afternoon. She’s still conscious but she’s fading. The nurses say...well, they can’t ma
ke guarantees but she’s not eating and she’s refused a drip. But, Josh, she’s asking for me.’

  And in her voice... Desolation. Loss.

  Love.

  ‘Then you have to go,’ he said calmly. ‘You’ll need money for the fare. No,’ he said as she tried to break in. ‘It would be my privilege.’

  ‘Josh, it’s not the money,’ she told him. ‘I wouldn’t ask...after all you’ve done and I’m not completely destitute. I do have some savings. But, Josh, I can’t take Erin.’

  He thought that through. Four weeks old... Yeah, there’d be complications.

  ‘We’ll have to fast-track a passport,’ he told her. ‘I know a lawyer in Canberra...’

  ‘I already went down that path,’ she told him. ‘It’s been three hours since the hospice rang and I’ve been trying every which way since. Josh—Ryan’s name’s on Erin’s birth certificate. In retrospect I shouldn’t have put it there, but I thought... I hoped...

  ‘That he’d want some contact?’

  ‘He’s her father.’ It was a despairing gasp but once again she gathered herself. ‘Apparently, I need to get his permission to take Erin out of the country. No exceptions. But I’ve rung everyone I can think of, his parents, his friends, and no one knows where he is. He’s still in Australia, they think, but no one knows for sure and the nursing staff says Gran only has days. Oh, Josh, I need to go.’

  ‘So you need me to care for Erin?’

  She gasped again and then fell silent.

  ‘That’s what you need, isn’t it, Hannah?’ He thought of the impossibility of cutting through red tape for Hannah to take her baby back to Dublin. He thought of alternatives. This was the only one, and Hannah had figured it before him.

  ‘There’s no one else,’ Hannah whispered, sounding almost terrified. ‘But, Josh, I can’t believe I’m even asking. Of course you’ll say no, but this is for Gran, not for me, so I thought... I had to try. I just...’

  For Gran, not for me.

  Of course not for her. This was Hannah, a woman with a heart as big as the ocean she had to cross to get home. A woman who’d use her scant savings—and by now he’d figured just how scant—to say goodbye to a dying grandmother.

  What sort of reception would she get when she reached Dublin?

  Cold, he thought. She’d visit her grandmother—if she was still alive when she got there—but then she’d be faced with a family who’d rejected her out of hand. Would she even be permitted to attend the funeral? Maybe not, he thought, but visiting her gran now, a woman who, despite being close to death, was still of sound mind, was surely an option. Hannah wouldn’t be turned away.

  He thought suddenly of Alice, of waking and finding she was gone. If he’d had those last few minutes to say goodbye...

  ‘Of course I’ll care for Erin,’ he said, almost before he knew he was about to say it. ‘When can you leave?’

  ‘Josh—’

  ‘Is there a plane tonight? That might even be possible. Our bridge is still down but the weather’s calm. I can get a water taxi and hire a car on the other side.’ He’d have to pay through the nose to hire a car at this time of night, but some things were imperative. ‘I can be with you in two hours.’

  ‘Josh—’

  ‘You’ll need to leave me instructions.’ He was thinking ahead. ‘How much milk have you expressed?’

  ‘I... Maybe enough for a week? Maybe not quite. But I’ve already tried her on a bottle of formula because I’m supposed to be going back to work in two weeks. She doesn’t like it much, but she takes it.’ She sounded almost robotic, dazed beyond belief.

  ‘That’s great. It means I can augment with formula if I need to. I can ask for help from your midwife friends if I get into trouble.’

  ‘They’ll help,’ she said, but she said it doubtfully. ‘I did think that maybe I could even have her admitted but...’

  ‘But hospitals are full of bugs.’

  ‘And they wouldn’t do it. Not for this. If I were ill...’

  ‘You’ll be ill if you don’t go,’ he told her. ‘Hannah, let me check flights. Hang on.’ He swung back to his computer and did a fast search. ‘Yes! There’s a flight to Dublin via Brisbane and Dubai, leaving at eleven tonight. I’ll see if I can get you on. Flick me your passport details. I can do the rest.’

  ‘Josh...’ She was half laughing, half crying. ‘You can’t just drop everything. Tonight!’

  ‘Hannah.’ His voice turned stern. ‘You want to say goodbye to your gran?’

  Another deep breath. ‘I do,’ she admitted. ‘Almost more than anything.’

  ‘Then we’re wasting time. You pack and write instructions. I’ll book you on this flight, then call a water taxi and rip Jed away from the telly to organise me a hire car. We’re running tight on time, so I suggest you take Erin to the airport with you and we’ll do a handover there. Jed can organise me a baby seat so I can take her back to your place and we’ll go from there.’

  ‘Oh, Josh...’ She was definitely crying now.

  ‘Enough,’ he said gruffly. ‘Dudley and I will stay in your apartment until you return.’ Thank heaven it was a hospital apartment, he thought. How much did he know of newborns? He had enough sense to think he wanted the back-up of a midwifery ward if things went pear-shaped. ‘I’ll need to pack as well. We both have things to do. Go for it, Hannah, let’s move.’

  ‘I can’t—’

  ‘Of course you can. Right, Hannah. Ready, set, go.’

  She reached the airport before he did. The cab driver dropped her off and helped her with her baggage. She carried Erin into the departure hall, tucked herself into a quiet corner, sat on her suitcase and waited.

  Fifteen minutes after she arrived, so did Josh.

  He strode through the big glass doors and stood for a moment, looking around. He was a big man, dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt, a bit too tight. His leather boots had seen better days. He looked relaxed, his gaze calm and thoughtful. A man facing the prospect of coping with a newborn alone? Not so much.

  He looked at ease. Confident. Sure.

  In this sea of travellers dressed for travel, coping with the fussiness of checking in, of saying goodbye to loved ones, Josh stood apart.

  He’d stand apart anyway, Hannah thought, and then his search located her. Their eyes met and he smiled, and she thought maybe she might cry.

  Oh, this man...

  ‘Hey.’ He reached her and squatted down to look into her eyes. ‘Hey, Hannah.’ And he touched her face.

  It was a fleeting touch, nothing more, and why it had the capacity to make tears spill...

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she managed. ‘I can’t...’

  ‘You can’t think, and why should you?’ he told her. ‘Sweetheart, you look done in.’

  That brought a reaction. ‘I do not!’ She blinked back treacherous tears. ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Good girl,’ he told her, and lifted Erin from her arms. The little girl was wide awake, staring upward at the bright lights with wonder. But as she met Josh’s eyes, her tiny face creased.

  She smiled.

  Her baby’s first smile. At such a time...

  Josh even had the temerity to produce a man-sized handkerchief and hand it to her. Was there no end to him coming to her rescue?

  ‘Let’s get you checked in,’ he told her. ‘You can have your cry out on the plane, but I’d advise sleep first.’

  As if she could sleep on planes... But as he led her toward the check-in counter, instead of heading for the mile-long economy queue, he headed for crimson Priority.

  ‘Josh!’ she gasped. ‘You can’t. I can’t!’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Go Business.’

  ‘You’re not,’ he told her. ‘First class or nothing.’

  ‘But I can’t pay you back.’ This was ridiculous.

>   ‘I travel a lot,’ he told her. ‘By a lot I mean so much that I have points to spare. This is costing me nothing, Hannah.’

  ‘Are you out of your mind?’

  ‘I’m not.’ They’d reached the counter and Josh tugged a sheaf of papers from his wallet and handed them over to a bemused clerk. ‘We need your passport too, love.’

  ‘Don’t call me love!’ What was there in that overused word that had her panicked?

  ‘Sorry.’ But as she fumbled for her passport he stood watching her with a strange expression on his face. Dammit, she was blushing. Her passport came out of her bag with a rush and fell.

  They stooped simultaneously but as her fingers reached the passport, she found she was gripped. Held.

  Josh was cradling Erin in the crook of one arm. With his spare hand he held her wrist, compelling them both to stay stooped.

  Her eyes met his, calm, grey, thoughtful.

  ‘Hannah, I’m so sorry about your gran,’ he said softly, while above their heads the lass on the check-in counter waited with the patience surely reserved for first-class passengers.

  ‘I... It’s all right.’

  ‘It’s not all right now, but it will be,’ he said softly. ‘You need to say goodbye to an old lady you love, and then let her go in peace.’

  ‘Oh, Josh...’

  ‘And now you need to gather your strength, go through those big doors and head to the other side of the world,’ he said gently. ‘And then come back to us. Home is here, and Erin and I will be thinking about you all the time you’re away.’

  There weren’t people behind them—that was a blessing, for Josh’s free hand had moved to cradle her cheek, firm, sure. He was propelling her face to his.

  One of her hands held her dropped passport. The other was free. She should use it to push him away.

  Why would she? How could she?

  Came another slight tug, and somehow she was close. So close.

  Close enough to be kissed? There seemed no choice.

  His mouth met hers, warm, strong, wonderful. His free hand was in her hair and hers in his, so the kiss deepened. Somewhere below there was a baby, cradled between them, cocooned by their kiss.