Fashionably Flawed: Book Nine, The Hot Damned Series

by Robyn Peterman

  “Did you just call me a butthole?” Fate demanded, flabbergasted.

  “You bet your flat ass I did. It’s four in the freakin’ morning now. I’m exhausted, and trust me, butthole was kind considering my potty mouth—which I’m working on because of my son. But obviously my son isn’t here so your mean ass is very lucky right now.”

  “Umm… Astrid,” I tried to cut in.

  “Not done here yet, Uncle Fucker. All Lucifer wants is some information and you’re being a heinous shitass about it. Something is happening and it’s bad. The least you can do is cough up some news that might help.”

  “Are you done?” Fate inquired.

  “Probably not, but if you’ve got something to add, go for it.”

  Fate laughed with sheer delight and the spell she’d woven broke into thousands of tiny glittering pieces and shattered on the filthy floor at her feet. She also dropped the façade and was exactly how I remembered her—otherworldly gorgeous, but far more dangerous than beautiful.

  “I can’t say I’ve ever been called a butthole before. It’s quite refreshing,” she said to a slack jawed Astrid.

  “You have teeth,” Astrid said, confused.

  “I do,” Fate admitted. “And I bite.”

  Astrid quickly backed away. I stepped in front of her to shield her just in case Fate had taken up cannibalism in her insanity and old age. Killing Fate would be an enormous faux pas, but one I’d make if she went for my niece.

  “Very interesting,” Fate said, examining my stance in front of Astrid. “I was joking about biting.”

  “With you, one never knows,” I commented. “How about resuming time?”

  She paused and snapped her slim fingers. The room went from dank and freezing to opulent and warm.

  “Not yet,” she said. “It’s of the essence for you, so you can thank me for hitting the pause button.”

  “Explain,” I said tightly.

  “Wait,” Astrid interrupted. “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?”

  “I’m not a witch at all, child,” she replied smoothly, taking a seat on a golden brocade covered divan. “I’m simply cursed with knowing all. It sucks.”

  “Doesn’t mean you have to be a raging bee-otch,” Astrid pointed out.

  Fate shrugged and produced a bottle of extremely rare scotch and three crystal tumblers. “Join me for a drink?”

  “I’m dead. Can’t drink,” Astrid announced as she made herself comfortable on a velvet couch adjacent to the divan.

  I was the last one standing and I was going to stay that way.

  “Lucifer?” Fate inquired.

  “I’ll pass. Enjoying libations with you is not why I’m here—and it would hardly be enjoyable. I need a hint about what’s happening.”

  Fate smiled and poured herself a hefty scotch and threw it back in one long swallow. She poured herself a second and proceeded to sip it like a lady. She was no lady.

  “The darkness is coming for you, Lucifer. You will need to embrace it when she arrives,” she said in the same bland tone one would talk about the weather.

  “More specific,” I demanded.

  “No, that’s not how it works. You know that,” she replied coldly, gleefully observing me hold in my rage.

  “If I die, the world ends,” I stated and watched for even the tiniest reaction to gauge how much she truly knew.

  “Holy shit,” Astrid gasped out. “Can that really happen?”

  “Which one?” Fate asked. “The world ending or Lucifer dying?”

  “It’s one in the same, so if you have anything else to share, say it now. Otherwise we’ll be on our way,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “I rarely get amusing company anymore. No one likes to hang out with me,” Fate pouted. “Are you quite sure you won’t have a drink?”

  “Quite. Information?”

  “Drink?” she shot back, knowing full well she had the upper hand.

  “Fine,” I hissed as I watched her pour my scotch and top off her own.

  Grabbing the glass rudely from her outstretched arm, I threw it back and dropped the expensive glass to the floor. The shattered crystal joined the jagged pieces of the sparkling black darkness she’d protected herself with.

  “I drank. You talk.”

  “So much anger,” she tsked. “You should lighten up.” Laughing at her tasteless joke she went on. “The winds of change are blowing hard and your own fire no longer purges your soul.”

  She paused and closed her eyes.

  “I know this,” I growled. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

  “The price is high.” Her eyes snapped open and she looked me up and down like I was a piece of meat.

  It repulsed me.

  “Name your price,” I ground out, taking the bottle of scotch and finishing it off in one long swallow. The liquid slid down my throat and burned in a way that made me feel alive. It wasn’t fire, but it was the closest thing available at the moment.

  “There’s fire in the darkness, Lucifer. A fire that will weaken you, yet make you stronger. A fire… that could restore your soul.”

  “Stop talking nonsense, old woman,” I roared as the building trembled in reaction to my ire. She was fucking with me and I wanted to end her with my bare hands. “I have no soul. It was obliterated when I fell.”

  “Is that what you think, Lucifer?” she questioned, examining me with pity.

  “It’s what I know. We’re done here. As usual, you’ve been useless. I’d say thank you, but I’d be lying. I enjoy lying, so that’s too great a gift to give to the likes of you.”

  Fate tilted her head and laughed. “You may despise me, but you should still listen to my words carefully. I don’t create karma. Hell, even I don’t know exactly what is going to happen. It’s already set by magic far stronger than mine. I’m simply one of the reporters.”

  “One of?” I questioned with suspicion. Hell, hopefully there weren’t more of her.

  “Turn of a phrase,” she replied. “I’m the reporter.”

  “Whatever helps you live with yourself,” I said rudely. “You’re a better liar than I am.”

  “No, Lucifer, you’re the best of them all… but even the best can be bested.”

  “Is that supposed to mean something to me? I was hoping to keep the dumbfuckery to a minimum this evening,” I said in a voice so devoid of any emotion Fate glanced at me in surprise.

  She took a long slow sip of her scotch and eyed me over the rim of her glass.

  “Good things can happen to bad people,” she said cryptically. “And bad things can happen to the good.”

  “You done?” I inquired, feeling weary.

  “Never,” she stated, equally as weary. “However, you will be done unless you find what is searching for you.”

  “Is that a threat?” I demanded, beginning to regret the visit.

  “I don’t make threats—don’t have to,” Fate said with a shrug and a shrill giggle that made me slightly ill. “I just call them like I see them. It will be fun to watch the darkness own you, Lucifer. It’s long past time.”

  “You’re a really sick piece of work,” Astrid ground out, standing up and aligning herself next to me. “And I’d have to say you’re lying like an ugly puke green shag rug about sleeping at night. I would think your heartless cruelty would keep you up for eternity.”

  “Take care of your business, Lucifer. I hear some immortal is breaking the law—selling souls no less.”

  “I know how to do my job,” I snapped.

  Fate shrugged again and leaned back on the divan. She graced us with a smile so beautiful, one could almost forget and forgive her viciousness. And then she disappeared in a blast of glittering silver smoke and dust.

  Astrid and I stood in silence for a long moment and stared at the spot the provider of providence, luck and devastation had just sat. I locked everything the old woman had said into my brain. I would decipher the information as needed.

  “Dude, that was dee
p, and I didn’t understand most of what she meant. Did you?” Astrid asked, staring at me with concern.

  “Not much, but fate has a strange way of revealing itself. Not always pleasant, but at least I have something to go on.”

  “What?” Astrid asked.

  “First, I have to find the damned soul seller and then I’m looking for the fire in the darkness. If I don’t find it, everything ends.”

  “Define end?” she prodded.

  “No fucking clue, but I’ll win. I always do.”

  “Want some help?”

  Astrid’s question took me by surprise. No one had my back. The Devil needed no one. I was feared and reviled. It was a foreign concept to be offered assistance. However, she’d been outstanding in the meeting with Fate—slightly confusing, but that was her talent.

  “It could be quite dangerous,” I said, slowly still trying to discern if she was simply being polite.

  “Un-killable immortal here,” she stated with a grin.

  Astrid wasn’t being polite. She was genuine. She was also clearly insane. Helping the Harbinger of Evil was never a good idea. Ever. However, I was a selfish man—very selfish.

  “Ethan will be furious,” I commented, referring to her mate.

  “This is true,” she agreed. “But I have a few tricks up my sleeve that will make him very, very happy.”

  “You’re serious?” I asked.

  “About my blow job skills or the fact that I’m coming with you to beat the shit out of the fire in the darkness?”

  “The latter,” I replied dryly. “I want to know nothing about your skills. Ever.”

  “Didn’t take you for a prude, Uncle Fucker,” she said with a laugh.

  “I’m not. Orgy should be my middle name. I just don’t want to hear about the sex life of someone I think of as a daughter,” I replied.

  “Oh. My. Hell,” Astrid shouted. “That is the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me. You do love me.”

  With a long put upon sigh, I grinned as I shook my head in defeat. “I do not love you. I like you enough to tolerate your bizarre eccentricities. Nothing more.”

  “Liar,” she mumbled with delight, as she turned to leave the room.

  She was correct. I was a liar. I was the best of the liars. And I would continue until the day I was no more. With luck, that day would not be coming any time soon.

  Chapter Six

  “It’s a very, very bad idea,” Ethan growled.

  His arms were crossed over his chest and a look of utter fury was directed my way. If looks could kill, I’d be ash. Delightful. Vampyres were such wonderfully rude company.

  Sitting down on the couch in his grand office at the Cressida House, I made myself comfortable and waited for the sparks to fly—or the room to go up in flames. A lovely start to a new day. This one in particular had dawned bright and sunny. I far preferred dark and cloudy with a chance of natural disaster. But the weather was my mother’s department and Mother Nature didn’t take kindly to criticism.

  Neither Astrid nor I had slept a wink after the irritating and foreboding meeting with Fate. And clearly Astrid’s mate hadn’t either, if the tone of his voice was anything to go by. Normally I adored discord, but this time I actually agreed with the obnoxious Vampyre. It was a very bad idea.

  “Ethan,” Astrid said, narrowing her eyes at him. “You’re supposed to support me in my job. Have you ever heard me complain when you have to go behead a bunch of bad bloodsuckers? Never. I even helped. Your alpha hole is showing.”

  “Your job,” he ground out, “doesn’t include helping Satan get out of messes. If he’s capable of getting himself into them, he can get himself out. Your job is Compassion and defending our people.”

  “That’s not really very nice,” I chimed in with a nicely perfected fake pout.

  “Wasn’t supposed to be,” Ethan shot back, holding his fists clenched at his sides. “Astrid will under no circumstances die for you.”

  “I can’t die,” Astrid reminded him with an eye roll.

  “There are many forms of death,” Ethan said quietly. “Not just physical.”

  His words hit me in an unpleasant place—the feels—as my daughter Dixie would call it. Clearly lack of sleep was affecting my bad judgment. I never had a difficult time making horrible decisions. It was my calling card, damn it.

  Astrid, quite unhappy with the direction of the conversation, started to glow—never a good sign if you valued your surroundings or property. Her hair began to float around her head and her fingers began to spark ominously. It was utterly delightful, but…

  As much as I would have enjoyed watching my niece blow a few walls out of their mansion, I felt the need to say something. Not my usual style at all.

  Wait one goddamned minute…

  A warm unfamiliar feeling inside my chest made me wonder if the darkness had come and killed me when I wasn’t looking. Quickly producing a mirror, I heaved a sigh of relief. I was alive and as good-looking as ever. Then what the Hell was happening to me? This simply wasn’t right.

  Did I suddenly have a conscience? Was the darkness chasing me making me a good guy? Unacceptable. Jiminy Fucking Cricket was not going to invade my despicable moral standards.

  And then the horrifying feeling got warmer and cozier.

  “What in the ever loving Hell?” I shouted and clutched at my chest.

  “Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, what’s wrong with you?” Astrid screeched. She sprinted over and placed her hand on my forehead.

  “Is he all right?” Ethan asked skeptically, joining his mate and examining me.

  “I had a twinge of sound ethical standards. It was absolutely horrible,” I hissed. “I feel so dirty.”

  “Don’t you see?” Astrid demanded of Ethan waving her hands in the air and blowing up the coffee table by accident. “Something is making the Devil nice. This is awful. The heinous fast food restaurant manager said the world would end if Satan didn’t kick some dark fiery butt soon. Toothless assbuckets who don’t care about high school kids having to clean bathrooms on their breaks should not be making big decisions about the world possibly coming to an end. I’m just sayin’.”

  “I am so lost right now,” Ethan said, running his hands through his hair.

  “The Vampyre is correct,” I said, raising a hand before Astrid could debate me. “This is not your problem. It’s mine.”

  “Still confused here,” Ethan announced. “You people went to a fast food restaurant with high school humans?”

  “Kind of,” Astrid said. “What it boils down to is that Uncle Fucker needs my help.”

  “For the love of everything illegal and foul, in the presence of others you’re going to have to put a kibosh on the Uncle Fucker endearment,” I informed my niece. “It’s not dignified. I’m fucking Satan. And your Vampyre is correct. You’re not coming with me.”

  “Wait,” Astrid gasped out with a horrified expression. “You can fuck yourself?”

  “Only figuratively. I’m not that talented,” I replied flatly. “More importantly, you will not be joining me on this excursion.”

  “But you need my help and you didn’t do anything wrong,” Astrid protested, much to Ethan’s growing displeasure.

  “Define wrong,” Ethan muttered under his breath.

  “Okay, fine,” she conceded with a grin. “I don’t think he did anything wrong to have caused Fate to be such a wanking bitch-sicle.”

  “Back up,” Ethan growled as his fangs descended and his eyes went green. “Lucifer took you to meet Fate?”

  “Umm… yes?” Astrid confirmed in a whisper.

  Ethan paced the room in a fury—his power bounced off the walls like bullets. The room vibrated and the floor trembled beneath his feet. It was wildly impressive. If the Vampyre ever wanted to hop over to the bad side, I’d take him in a hot second. His killing skills outrivaled my most fierce and demented Demons.

  “If your death wouldn’t end the world, I’d kill you with my bare hands right now,
” the Vampyre hissed at me with the veins in his neck bulging. “Astrid doesn’t need to be on Fate’s radar. That woman is batshit crazy.”

  “Exactly,” Astrid yelled, hopping up and down like a child. “Fate—who by the way does have teeth and might bite—said if Satan doesn’t kick the ass of the fire and darkness and stop the renegade soul seller, we’re all gonna bite it in a big fat hairy way.”

  “And this involves you how?” Ethan demanded, placing his hands on either side of Astrid’s face and pressing his lips to her forehead.

  Hugging him back, she laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes. It was sickening—like watching a chick flick. Love made me itchy. Happiness gave me hives. Who had I screwed over that I had to witness this? It was far better when there was the potential of Astrid blowing up her own home.

  “Something bad is happening and Uncle Fu…Lucifer can’t find the answer alone. He would have completely screwed up the meeting in the skanky Vegas club with Fate if I hadn’t been there to save the day,” she told Ethan.

  “Now that’s stretching the truth a bit,” I said with an eye roll.

  “First off, it’s not,” Astrid retorted with an eye roll that almost beat mine. “And you like lies, half-truths and all that shit. However, I’m not lying. If you’d gone in there with only your three thuggy beef thermometers, there’s no telling what would have happened.”

  “Thuggy beef thermometers?” Ethan inquired with a wince.

  “Demons,” Astrid explained. “They’ve all changed their names to Dick, so I feel no remorse at having a little fun at their expense. You feel me?”

  “I do,” Ethan said with a laugh, taking her in his arms again.

  “If you dead people continue to insist on showing affection, I’m going to have to incinerate something,” I said, staring at the ceiling. “Lust I can handle. This love nonsense gives me a rash.”