Fashionably Flawed: Book Nine, The Hot Damned Series

by Robyn Peterman

  “Pam,” I said, grinding my teeth. “While that was colorful, it was crude.”

  “Since when did crude upset your ugly ass?” she demanded with a mischievous grin pulling at her lips.

  “First of all, my ass not ugly,” I ground out. “And secondly—damn it—I lost my train of thought.”

  “I want all of you to go,” Elle repeated.

  The shocked silence of the women was long and a bit menacing.

  “You think we can’t handle this?” Astrid asked, insulted as her hands began to glow and shoot little sparks.

  Elle shook her head hastily, but stood her ground. “I don’t want anyone hurt—or killed at my expense. I have more than enough death on my conscience. Go. All of you go.”

  My Siren was serious and clearly insane. She too was beginning to spark and the others watched her with distrust. What I really didn’t need was a violent immortal female smack down—at all. There were Trolls to kill and a soul to steal. And more importantly, I needed to get laid again. A deadly girl fight was not on the agenda today.

  “No can do,” Tiara replied with a smile as she crossed to Elle and took her fiery hand in her own. “You need to calm down, Adrielle. You might be a badass who happens to be banging an insane badass, but even badasses need help from other badasses. Badass plus insane badass plus more badasses equals total badassery. You feel me?”

  “Did anyone actually follow that?” Astrid asked, giving her sister an eye roll.

  “Umm… kind of,” Dixie said with a laugh.

  Tiara grunted and flipped Astrid the middle finger. “Fine, I’ll simplify. We might be pretty, but we’re a tough bunch. Clearly, you’re a badass, Elle. Uncle Fucker is also a badass—albeit an insane one, but everyone can use a little help.”

  “Uncle Fucker?” Elle questioned, trying not to smile.

  “It’s an endearment,” I supplied, giving Tiara a glare.

  “Besides, most of us owe the Devil, so this will repay our debts,” Raquel, the Vampyre Princess of the European Dominion added. “Not to mention, I despise the Trolls. This will be fun.”

  “Your idea of fun is a bit strange,” Elle said, staring in wonder at the badass women who refused to leave.

  “Yep. Being dead kind of warps a person,” Astrid explained with a laugh and a shrug. “And those stinky bastards want my son, not to mention they’ve tried to kill me a few times.”

  “And me,” Raquel said, raising her hand.

  “And me,” Venus added.

  “And most of the rest of us,” Pam finished to off before everyone chimed in with a Troll story. “So what’s the plaaaan, Sayyy-taaaan?”

  Rolling my eyes, I pretended I wasn’t dealing with older than dirt immortals who had the maturity levels of fifth grade human males. “We go in. I steal back Elle’s soul from the Troll King and you will kill any Troll that tries to stop me,” I instructed. “Astrid, Lucy, and Dixie, you three will keep watch over Elle. I don’t want anything happening to her.”

  “Umm… call me batshit crazy, but why are we protecting a Siren? Shouldn’t that be the other way around?” Pam asked, confused.

  I’d had enough of being questioned. For being as old as she was, Pam was lacking quite a bit of knowledge. Stomping my foot and causing a large split in the Earth made me feel a little more in charge.

  “Fine,” I ground out. “Batshit Crazy, I’m making the rules here. If you don’t like them, you can leave. Under no circumstance will a Troll come within a hundred feet of my Siren. They want Elle’s and her mother’s soul for some unknown reason. The last time Elle battled with them she came back a bloody mess. I want her protected.”

  Pam and Elle exchanged a covert look and mouthed something to each other. Pam nodded in understanding and gave my Siren a thumbs up and a wide grin.

  I had no time to play games with a bunch of stark raving mad immortals. First off, they all knew that I cheated and I’d probably lose. I hated losing. Whatever they’d said I would find out later.

  “That’s kind of a loose plan,” Astrid pointed out unhelpfully.

  With a wave of my hands I struck the gates of the happiest place on Earth with a massive bolt of lighting. It blew up sky high and came back down in a fiery explosion.

  “Who do you people think I am?” I shouted.

  “You’re fucking Satan,” Astrid shouted back in answer to my question.

  “That’s right,” I bellowed. “I’m fucking Satan.”

  I froze and closed my eyes. Taking a deep breath so I wouldn’t blast Florida—or Astrid—to Kingdom Come, I expelled it on a growl. All of my daughters, the rest of the motely crew, and even my Siren began to laugh. Astrid had just earned my attendance for Christmas for eternity. Not only would I be attending her celebrations, I would be profanely enhancing every single ornament she had. It would not be pretty.

  “That’s quite a talent, Lucifer,” Pam announced to the laughing crowd. “I’m surprised you come out of Hell if you can do that.”

  “Enough,” I hissed. The lack of respect shown by these women was appalling. If I were being honest—which gave me hives—I’d have to admit it was also refreshing. It was rare indeed to get busted on by anyone. However, showing my pleasure would be counter productive to my authority, which seem tenuous at best right now.

  “So basically we’re gonna storm Disney World and then wing it?” Tiara asked, biting on her lips to keep from giggling.

  “Yes,” I snapped, grabbing Elle by the hand. “We’re going to wing it. Anyone have a problem with that?”

  No one said a word. That was good. I was on the verge of a massive temper tantrum. Throwing a fit would not further my agenda.

  “Umm… does anyone think it’s odd that we’ve been standing here for a while and haven’t been attacked?” Gemma pointed out.

  She was correct. It was strange—alarmingly strange. The Trolls had to know we were here. I’d cracked the Earth and blown up the entrance. Not to mention the park was crawling with snakes.

  With a wave of my hand, I called to my army in Hell. In a blast of glittering black magic two hundred well-armed Demons appeared—female Demons. Males would be useless. And my females were far more deadly than my males.

  Tiara raised her hand politely. “Should I sing?”

  The idea had occurred to me, but there was no way her singing could take down an entire army of Trolls. As ear splitting and deadly as it was, it wouldn’t work. No one was that powerful.

  “While I appreciate the offer, the answer is no,” I told her. “This will be hand to hand and magic. The singing will harm our own and won’t be strong enough to take down the enemy.”

  Tiara nodded and checked her weapons. “Got it.”

  “The Troll King is mine,” I yelled to be heard by all. “No one is to touch him. He has the soul I’m after, and if he’s destroyed, the soul will be destroyed with him. That is unacceptable and cannot happen under any circumstances. Am I clear?”

  Satisfied with the murmurs of assent, I took Elle’s hand and approached the blown out entrance. “You will lead me to the King, and then go with Astrid, Dixie and Lucy,” I told her firmly. “Do not disobey me. I can’t lose you.”

  “Why?” she demanded, stopping and glaring at me. She put her hand on her heart and waited.

  Damn it to Hell, this was not the time.

  “Answer me,” she pressed.

  Everyone around us stopped as well and watched in with rabid curiosity. I was even curious how I would respond…

  Placing my hand on my heart, I looked down at the beautiful woman who in a very short time I knew that I couldn’t live without. I was still unsure if I could love her. The meaning of love was a mystery to me, but…

  “I think I might be feeling things… possibly… maybe. I’m not sure. Although highly doubtful,” I mumbled, telling the only truth I knew. “I’m not sure what it is, but I feel something unfamiliar and somewhat alarming.”

  Her sad smile slayed me and for a moment I forgot to brea
the. It wasn’t the answer she wanted, but it was all I had. I wanted to wrap her in my arms and take her away from whatever ugliness was about to happen, but that was a dream—an unrealistic dream. There would always be evil and violence. I would always be a part of it. But this woman was well aware of that and seemed to want me regardless.

  “That will do for now,” she said on a resigned sigh. “Let’s do this.”

  “We’re gonna kick ass,” Astrid shouted as my army of women descended on the happiest fucking place on Earth.

  Today might just be a good day after all.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The blindingly colorful streets of Disney World were teeming with slithering, hissing snakes. It was an impressive sight. However, the Trolls were nowhere to be seen.

  “Something is very wrong,” Astrid said, scanning the area. “Where in the Hell are the bad dudes?”

  “Cinderella’s Castle,” Elle said. “The Troll King resides in the Castle.”

  “Seriously?” Dixie asked. “How do they get away with that? This place is loaded with humans all the time.”

  “Keeps them safe. They live behind the mosaics,” Elle explained with a disgusted expression marring her lovely features. “Immortals won’t risk the lives of humans to go after them.”

  “Trolls are smarter than I’d thought,” Pam said, clapping her hands and sending the snakes back to wherever Gemma had summoned them from.

  “Surround the castle,” I commanded my troops. “The cowards are inside. The King is mine.”

  Silently and faster than the human eye could follow, my Demon army obeyed my order. Only the original women who had come at my mother’s beckoning remained with me.

  “You’re positive your soul is in the locket?” I asked Elle.

  She nodded and pulled me to a stop. “Just get the soul and leave. I want none of your people to die. This should not be their battle.”

  Without answering her, I resumed my walk toward the palace. It was getting difficult to lie to her even without my hand on my heart. I had no intention of leaving any Trolls alive. They would keep coming after her until she was broken and dead. I was walking a precarious line by destroying all that were here, but I knew more of the species were elsewhere. I wouldn’t be making the Trolls extinct by ending the life of their King and those who protected the bastard. So while I was fucking with the natural order, I wasn’t exactly fucking it up completely.

  “Cover me,” I told Astrid and the others. “And keep Elle the Hell out of this. If she fights you, someone transport out with her.”

  “You gonna let that man talk to you like that?” Pam asked a clearly seething Elle.

  “Let him have his fun. I’ll have mine shortly,” she hissed.

  “That’s my girl.” Pam cackled as she levitated and prepared to fly toward the castle.

  I had an inkling what my Siren was referring to. Her words were starting to make sense to me—listen to the words. I felt smug in my knowledge. Women weren’t as hard to figure out as I’d thought. Of course, I was smart enough not to let on that I knew of her dastardly plan.

  Quite certain she’d hatched a scheme to set me on fire in front of everyone, I simply grinned. Little did she know how much I craved and needed her searing magic. Being set aflame by my Siren was a reward—not a punishment.

  “Holy shit on a stick,” Astrid gasped as the enormous monsters appeared.

  The Trolls materialized in the archway of the Castle. There had to be at least fifty and the King stood front and center. They were at least ten feet tall with rotting flesh and a stench that made the Basement of Hell smell like a morning in Springtime on Earth.

  My eyes went immediately to the locket at his neck. It was grossly bejeweled—rubies, diamonds, sapphires, emeralds, pearls, onyx. I enjoyed over the top, but this locket was downright garish. But no matter how ugly, I was about to add it to my collection.

  “State your complaint, Devil,” the Troll King bellowed in a harsh voice that sounded like he’d swallowed massive quantities of glass and his throat was still bleeding profusely. “We have no beef with you.”

  “Of course you don’t,” I said with a smile on my face that made the bastard step back behind his men. “It would be incredibly stupid for you to challenge me.”

  “I am aware of this,” the King snarled, smoke and fire huffing out of his nose. “Why have you come?”

  I’d almost missed what the idiot said due to the gnashing of teeth and the whining and growling of his men. Their skin expanded and contracted with their aggression. The rancid flaps trembled and the odor they emitted was noxious.

  “Tell the boys to pipe down. They’re giving me a headache,” I said. “And Hell’s been known to break loose when I have a headache.”

  With a grunt and an eerie scream that bounced off the walls of the castle, the Troll King silenced his men.

  “You have something that belongs to me,” I said in a friendly conversational tone that made him even more wary than he already was. Of course my smile—while devastatingly handsome—came nowhere close to reaching my eyes. “I want it back.”

  “I have nothing of yours, Devil,” the Troll King shouted—his lumpy, hairless body turning a hideous shade of greenish-blue and vibrating with fury. “You will leave or you will be sorry.”

  “Did that fucker just threaten me?” I asked, shocked as I halted my advance and turned back to my girls.

  “I believe he did, Uncle Fucker,” Tiara answered with a shit-eating grin.

  “Unacceptable,” I muttered as I turned my attention back to the Troll. “You just made your first mistake, Troll. The next one will be your last. Give me the locket and what’s inside.”

  “Never,” he roared.

  “I’m sorry. I must have misunderstood you. I could swear you just said no,” I replied as I clapped my hands and let my body go to one of its most natural states.

  Fire.

  Pulling on a magic as old as time, I sighed in contentment as the dark enchantment roared through me and encased my body in blazing red flame. With a snap of my flaming fingers, my body increased to a much larger size then the ten-foot Trolls and my voice was far more menacing and raw than his.

  “Give me the locket or you die. It’s really quite simple.”

  “Damn that’s some fucked up shit he can do,” I heard Pam mutter from behind. “How in the Hell are his clothes not burning off his body and how did they grow with him?”

  “Shut your cakehole,” Astrid admonished the Angel. “We’ll ask him later. I was wondering the same thing.”

  “The locket is my future and your demise, Satan,” the Troll King hissed as his men began to keen and quake with the need to kill.

  It was uniquely horrifying. Trolls were like ticks. They just latched on and sucked life from those around them. Useless. Diseased. Nothing about them enhanced society—at all. Violent for the sake of it and remorseless. Trust me, I knew. Every Troll that perished lived in the Basement of Hell burning for eternity for sins so vile they gave even me pause.

  “Nope,” I said baring my teeth at him through my fiery shell. “I do not accept.”

  “Yesssss,” he screamed, his vile spittle spraying his men standing guard around him. “I’m holding it for the Keeper and she is far more powerful than the likes of you.”

  “Really?” I asked, with an evil laugh that made him blanch. “Where is this Keeper? She’s not here to protect you from me.”

  “She will come. And you will rue the day you came here.”

  “Okay, sounds great,” I said as my fire danced around me. “I’m rather busy today—tight schedule—need to get home and get laid. I don’t have time to hang out and meet your Keeper. You feel me, asshole?”

  “Do not speak to me that way,” the Troll said, shoving his men aside and beginning to lumber toward me. “You will take that back, Dark Angel. NOW.”

  “Uh oh,” Dixie said. “Dude’s lost his tiny mind. Is he really coming for my dad?”

  �
�Looks that way,” Pam added, slapping her knee and laughing like a loon. “I changed my mind about Trolls being smart. That smelly assmonkey fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

  “Take it back, you evil disgrace,” the Troll repeated as he continued to advance.

  “Or what?” I demanded. “I’m a little hard to kill, imbecile.”

  The Troll King smiled. It sent warning chills skittering down my spine. His teeth were razor sharp and hideous. His scaly lips were thin and dripping puss. It occurred to me for a very brief moment that I’d never come across a female Troll… or maybe he was a female. Hell on a bad day, this species was horrifying.

  “I’ll destroy the soul. There’s another I can get to replace it.”

  No, the bastard wasn’t stupid—not at all. He did have the power to kill me, metaphorically speaking, but a death was a death. The walking, talking dead were everywhere and I had no intention of joining their ranks. By destroying Adrielle’s soul, she would only exist a hundred more years which was a mere blip in eternity.

  Not happening—not on my fucking watch.

  “Done here,” I roared as the Troll stopped his forward motion and went for the locket on his neck. “GO. NOW.”

  Without hesitation, my Demons and my girls went like bats out of Hell and attacked. I had eyes for only one and the coward tuned and ran. He could run, but he couldn’t outrun the Devil. No one could outrun the Devil.

  It was fast and it was bloody. In the end it was completely anticlimactic. I set him on fire as my people went for his protectors—seamless and vicious.

  Tearing the smoldering locket from his neck I removed Elle’s soul and put it in the left breast pocket of my suit—right next to my wicked heart. I leaned down to his prone, disgusting body and smiled. “You’re a very stupid man. It’s not nice to fuck with the Devil.”

  “It’s Mother Nature you don’t fuck with,” he snapped as he tried to claw at my burning flesh and steal the soul back from my pocket.

  “She’s my mother, Troll. I’m allowed to use her catch phrase. I have to eat her cooking.”