“Today was just…” Luna walks up to me and closes her eyes. “I really don’t want to talk about it because it brings up horrible memories.” Her eyes open, shiny and wet, contradicting the smile she’s currently trying to play off. “Just take off your clothes, okay?”
Who is she trying to fool? I have eyes. I see the struggle within her.
I stand up and she tries to blink away tears but it only makes them roll down her cheeks instead. “What happened?” She takes a step back, wiping her cheek quickly. “Is it because of your brother? That guy is a dick. You shouldn’t listen to the shit he says.”
Luna stops moving backward and blinks, blinks, blinks but remains quiet.
“You’ve been hanging around the wrong people for way too long, Luna. Is Mackenzie the only person that lifts you up instead of breaks you apart?” She looks off to the side. I reach for her chin and make her look at me. “Why do you let your brother hurt you?” She hides herself around them and puts up a fake smile. If she were my sister, I’d go out of my way to make her feel like a fucking princess.
Shit, I can’t think of her as my sister.
What the fuck! You’re sleeping with her.
I shouldn’t have said that. I regret it now.
“I don’t know.” But she does. Her brother Tanner was right. She wants Ian’s approval. She wants to feel loved by her damn family and it sucks that she can’t get it. MacKay and his family are basically her family. They make her feel wanted and accepted. They are the reason she smiles. Why she lets her own brother and the fucking world rip her apart is fucking maddening. I have sisters and I would never treat them the way Luna is treated. She deserves so much more than the hate and shame she feels for being her.
Can you imagine waking up in complete silence where no one can hurt you with words and then entering a world where people judge you for who you are? I’d want to break their faces that’s for damn sure.
“You should never let someone make you feel like less of a person. You are so goddamn stunning and funny and a little on the crazy side but it’s you. If a person can’t accept that, fuck them. Not literally.” I raise an eyebrow and she chuckles. “Cut out the negative people in your life, Luna. You’ll start breathing much easier.”
“I-I can’t.” She tries to step back but I keep her from moving. “They’re in my head.” Her eyes shift to my window. To the stars. But her hands start roaming over my body, under my t-shirt.
I drop my grip from her chin and cup her neck. “You use sex to shut your mind up?” I question. Her hand stops on my stomach and her eyes shoot back to me. There’s a pleading look in them, hidden behind hunger. I look through a telescope every night. I know when there’s more if you look deeper. A sigh leaves my lips and I say, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” I’m willingly turning down sex with Luna to talk.
I grab her roaming hand and walk her to my bed, turning off the lights as we go.
Luna sits on my bed, looking up at me, confused.
I join her and we sit in front of each other, our knees touching. “Pretend I’m the stars. I’m listening.”
“What?” Luna tries to stand but I reach out and grab her thigh.
“We’re not having sex. You’re going to tell me a secret instead. Pretend I’m the stars.”
Luna stares at me like she might actually slit my throat.
The Chainsmokers’ newest song about not letting someone down pours through my speakers softly and it kind of fits the situation. I highly doubt Luna would say that she needs me right now but her eyes say it for her. She either needs my dick or a person to sit with, and since I’ve got both options, why not be that person.
As Luna continues to stare at me, I tap out the beat of the song on her thigh. “Where’s MacKay?” I start.
“He’s out blowing off some steam. Today was not our day.”
I nod for her to continue. She doesn’t. “Come on, Moon.”
The moonlight lighting up half of her face shows me the barely there smile she’s desperately trying to hide. I used that nickname twice now and I think I’m going to keep it. It makes her smile.
“Mac is the only person who knows this. Telling you…” She shakes her head, looking away. Looking ashamed.
“We’re friends. Friends share things.”
That finally seems to hit the right nerve because she pulls a pillow from behind her and brings it to her chest, hugging it tightly. “Don’t ever bring this up again, okay?” I nod. “The guy from the paintball place, we hung out my senior year of high school.”
There were a bunch of men at that place. I have no idea who she’s talking about even though I looked around, searching for the problem. And I was busy kissing her so if she described someone, I most definitely wouldn’t know where to start. “Did he say something today? Is that why you were a little too friendly?”
Luna stares at the pillow, shaking her head. “He’s the person who made me this way.” She looks up with tears falling down her cheeks. “Ian, I could deal with. Siblings hate each other all the time and get over it, but Wren, he was my breaking point.”
I remember MacKay mentioning a Wren a few weeks ago. I also remember the way he looked about ready to start breaking things. So this Wren guy came into Luna’s life after Mackenzie started college, got it.
“We weren’t serious but he made me want more. He made me feel normal. And then I found out I was pregnant and everything–”
Holy shit. I need a minute. Pregnant? Luna was pregnant. How did I not know this? Mackenzie and I shared everything in college. Sure, the first few months of being roommates were awkward but then we got used to each other and decided that we didn’t want to end our friendship so we requested to be roommates ever since and invaded the other’s life. I never touched the subject of Luna. He’d talk about her, and it was like hearing about an old friend. One that you never actually met.
“…dropped me off at a clinic and said, ‘I am not having a kid with you’ and I knew exactly what he meant because I’ve heard it all my life. I felt that way all my life. And as I laid on that cold table, I felt like they took everything that I am with them. And I was okay with it because I hate who I am. I never fit in anywhere. The hearing kids made fun of me. Deaf kids made me feel like I betrayed them for having the opportunity to hear. And my family, God, being around my family made me feel like complete shit because they lost everything so I could hear again.”
Luna falls back against my pillows, clutching the one still in her hands. Her breath catches. “I regret that day. I think about it all the time and it hurts. It hurts because I killed someone. A baby.” She continues, stopping me from saying something, anything to try and console her, “Mac took the first train here when I told him that I needed him. I didn’t think he’d come because he was really busy with school but he showed up. He’s always there for me. He makes me want to be more but I have no fucking idea where to start.”
I crawl up the bed and lie down. I feel her warmth on my side but I don’t move any closer. I don’t want to suffocate her or scare her away. “I think you just did.” I wipe back the wet hair clinging to her face. “You found another person you can trust.”
Luna sniffles and murmurs, “I would have preferred the sex.”
I wrap my arm around her and squeeze her ass because I think she needs a little something to get her mind off what she said. “Later.” Then we talk about constellations and Greek gods, trying to lighten the mood.
***
Waking up, Luna is gone from my bed. I spend the next few hours trying to work up the courage to bring up what she said last night but I can’t. I promised. She doesn’t want to talk about it. But it’s a huge part of her and she’s full of remorse.
It took one decision to destroy her. I can’t even pretend to know what she’s feeling but I want to try and help in any way I can. I was never able to sit back and let a person hurt. My parents taught me the importance of compassion.
Luna’s whole life is full of l
ife-altering moments and she replays them again and again and again until she’s hiding, drowning in her own thoughts.
When I fall back onto my bed and stare at the ceiling, not knowing what the fuck I should do or say, it hits me. When a person is hurting, just being with them helps. I sit up and swipe my laptop from the foot of my bed.
I look up one my favorite silent movies and I get it started before I head downstairs, finding Luna searching the fridge for food. My eyes land on the silver wand taped to the fridge door with a note saying, “in case of emergency, use magic.” When Luna put that up the other day, I couldn’t stop smiling. You’d never think that the woman who hates most things would believe in magic.
Luna’s wearing a loose purple t-shirt that makes it seem like she’s not wearing any shorts, and gray thigh-high socks. Add in the fact that she’s biting her lip, tapping her foot to a silent beat, and I can’t look away. She’s simply beautiful without even trying.
My heart does this little skipping thing that makes me pause for a second. You keep that up and you’re never going to fuck her again, remember that.
Luna’s head turns slightly and she jumps, squeaking before shutting the refrigerator door. She doesn’t say anything, her eyes doing all the talking.
“Want to watch a movie with me?” I ask.
She looks behind me, at the floor, then down at her feet. When she looks back up, she shrugs. It’s better than a no, right?
I take a few steps forward and hold out my hand.
“You don’t… Yesterday was just me having a moment. You don’t need to feel like you have to try and make it better. You don’t have to do this.”
I nod. “I don’t have to, I want to. Come on.”
She reluctantly takes my hand and follows me upstairs. She doesn’t question why we’re going to watch a silent movie or why it’s on my bed. She doesn’t say anything but she doesn’t leave either.
“Do you like silent movies?” I look over at her and study her face as she looks back at me. I don’t want her to suffer. Her cheeks push up as she smiles and the gleam in her eyes make me want to smile back.
“I love some more than others. Mac took me to one–” She shakes her head, looking a bit embarrassed. “I’ll spare you the details. Yes, I like silent movies. Proceed.” She waves her hand at my laptop so I can start it.
I hit play and my smile finally comes when Luna finds a comfortable spot, mostly using me as a pillow. Halfway through Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans, she looks up at me briefly before looking away.
I’m tempted to turn her head back so I can kiss her.
It’s the way her body presses against me, all the tension gone that I know I’ve done something good. Even if it’s only for the time being. And I didn’t need words to comfort her.
Chapter Thirteen
Luna
Waking up in Phoenix’s bed is strange. Then please, somebody tell me why I’ve done it two more times. I at least have the sense to sleep in my own bed a few nights so it doesn’t look like I’m obsessed with him or something. I’ve been teaching him ASL, and I end up passing out after a few hours.
Today though, he’s still in it. He usually leaves before I wake up, and I find a note from him or I leave first and there’s no note, obviously. The first one said, I’m still waiting for that morning head ;). The second and third said something similar to if I don’t go to sleep naked the next time, he feels like something is wrong with his game. Because we’re supposed to be having sex, and we’re sitting around in his room, learning to sign instead.
So me being me, I turn onto my side slowly, and start to sit up. I can blow him but I’d much rather have food and we all know how people get when food is involved. And since it’s my day off today, I will only leave bed for food.
Before I can stand, a hand wraps around my bicep and pulls me back, not giving me enough time to respond before lips are on mine. Phoenix’s body hovers over mine, pressing me against the bed. His skilled fingers run under my tank top, and he palms my bare breast. His hand moves down just an inch, and instead of teasing me, he starts to tickle me.
The laughter dies in my throat when I can’t hear myself. I usually go to sleep with my sound processors on if I pass out on Phoenix’s bed. It’s not comfortable but I manage. And now, they’re not on me. I don’t remember taking them off but I was really tired last night so I could have.
Panic runs through me, and I push Phoenix back. My eyes land on the empty nightstand beside me. Empty. I sit up, shoving Phoenix back even more, and I throw my body to the other side of the bed. I push books out of my way, a phone, and an iPad. Nothing.
Where the fuck are they?!
Once again, a hand wraps around my arm, gently this time.
I turn, and Phoenix fixes me with a calming stare. He signs relax and reaches over to the pillows. My wild beating heart starts to slow when I see them. Oh, thank God! As I reach for them, Phoenix pulls his hand behind his back, hiding them. I shoot him a glare to give them back. He smirks at me then pulls one of my legs toward him. I slide down, my legs falling open. He kneels in front of me, pressing himself against me as his eyes roam down my body, and it makes every muscle under my belly clench.
He must have dropped my sound processors behind him because he now has two free hands that run up my calves, teasing the inside of my thighs.
My body responds to everything he does next, but my mind can’t get over the fact that I can’t hear a thing. When his lips are on mine again, and his erection presses into me over my pajama shorts, I grind against him and let myself go. I don’t want to make a sound because I don’t know how it’ll sound. It’s the unknown that terrifies me. Will I be too loud, too soft, too whiney? All my life I was teased by guys who wanted to know what I sound like when I orgasm without my ears on. I don’t even know so why would I let them find out.
And now…
Every vibration I feel myself make deep in my throat makes me want to grab a pillow and bite it as hard as I can. I don’t know how loud I’ll be, how normal I’ll sound.
I need to hear myself! It’s the only way I won’t freak out.
But I don’t get to grab a pillow. Phoenix pulls it from my hands as he teases my nipple.
I am so turned on yet so scared. So fucking scared.
Don’t think about it.
For now, I push my fears away and embrace my promiscuous side. This is who I am. This is what I do.
I tighten my thighs around him and demand him to go harder, faster. We’re freaking dry humping and it’s winding me up, kick starting my release. Yes.
When I’m close, I slip my hand into my shorts, over Phoenix’s, and I rub my clit over his fast moving fingers, not giving a damn what sounds I make next because I’m going to come in three, two…one.
I barely have time to catch my breath when my eyes flutter open to see Phoenix stroking himself. And I want to touch him. I want him to come just like he made me. I’ve always been turned on by men who jerk themselves off in front of me when we’re about to have sex. Knowing that you arouse a man and he can’t wait any longer, pleases me.
I reach down between us and take his hand off his cock, wrapping my hand around him. His eyes squeeze shut, and if I could hear the sounds he’s making, I would know if I need to do more but I do what feels right. I squeeze and pump, twist and pump, and run my thumb over the head again and again and again until his fingers dig into my legs, and he comes on my stomach.
Phoenix uses the sheet to clean me up, all while smiling down at me with one of the sexiest smiles I’ve ever seen. It makes me forget that I can’t hear a thing. It makes me pull him against me until we’re wrapped up in each other. Only for two minutes. Because I need my space.
When I sit up and reach for my ears, Phoenix stays down with his arms behind his head, the smile still on his handsome face. “Happy birthday,” he congratulates.
I look back over my shoulder and smile. “Thank you.” I stand, grabbing the dirty sheet and throw it into th
e hamper in the far corner of Phoenix’s room.
“Luna.” Phoenix throws his legs over the side of the bed, and stands, walking toward me. “I don’t know if anyone ever told you, but the soft whimpers you make are so fucking sexy,” he says, brushing a loose lock of hair behind my ear.
I shake my head. Mac is the only person who slept with me when I was completely vulnerable. He would never disrespect me and say hurtful words of how unusual I sound. To him, that night was perfect. To me too. But it was also the night I promised I wouldn’t do that again until it was with someone I completely trusted. And Phoenix is just a guy I’m screwing. This doesn’t feel right for me. And yet, it kind of does.
Phoenix runs his pointer finger down my throat to my collarbone. “Next time,” he drops his head and bites my neck, “I’m going to make you scream.”
I tilt my head back to really look at him then I rise up on my tiptoes until I reach his ear. “Next time,” I mimic, “ask me if I’m comfortable first.”
I drop down, watching his face contort with realization. “Luna–”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s just… I was really terrified and I didn’t know what to do.”
His playfulness is gone, replaced with panic and maybe a bit of disgust. Not of me but of what he did. How he made me feel. “I’m s–” Phoenix stops talking when I quirk an eyebrow. “I thought you were already comfortable with me.”
“I wasn’t,” I confess. I never once willingly spent time with him without having the reassurance of my ears on. He can’t carry a conversation with me in sign language. He’s learning but it’s not enough to have me take that leap. “Not with this.”
“I didn’t know.”
I nod because I get it. He’s never been with a girl like me, at least I don’t think so. You can’t just take someone’s armor and expect them to run into your arms without a fight. Hearing the sounds I make makes me feel safe. I choose when I can be myself around people. I choose. And today I didn’t.
“I feel like shit. I’m so sorr–”
A Sky Full of Secrets Page 12
