by Sydney Logan
“And then you’re off to AIT?”
“Yes. Signal Corps training for twelve weeks.”
“Well, your girl is here. I guess that means she’s accepted you, camouflage and all.”
I smile. “She has.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
This goodbye is harder than the one with my father. At least I plan on seeing my dad again. The chances of seeing Tom McBride are slim. I can promise to write or call, but we both know it could be difficult, depending on where I’m stationed. Plus, he’s not the healthiest man. We both know that. We just don’t discuss it.
“I sense you’re feeling some guilt, Brandon.”
I close my eyes. How does he know?
“A little, yes.”
“Because I’m an old man with no family?”
Yes.
“Son, I don’t want you to worry about me. The doctors and nurses take good care of me. I’d love a Christmas card. Maybe a phone call if you can. But I don’t expect it. You forget I was a soldier, too. I know things are different now, as far as technology and all that, but I can’t use any of it. And who knows where you’ll be? So, if you can call, I know you will. But don’t feel obligated, and don’t feel guilty if you can’t. You’ve been a good friend, Brandon. You’ve listened to an old man talk about the war and his wife, and you’ve done it all without falling asleep once.”
I laugh.
“I’ve enjoyed our talks, Tom. You don’t know how much.”
“Sure, I do. You visited almost every weekend. That’s more visits than some of the other guys get, and they have kids who live close by. Plus, you brought Steph to meet me. That shows me our time has been as special to you as it has been to me. I appreciate that.”
“It has been. I really . . . don’t know when I’ll get back to Indiana.”
“I know that, too. That’s why I said call if you can. Heck, you can even write me a letter. It’ll give me the chance to hear a nurse’s voice say something to me besides, ‘Time for your medication, Mr. McBride.’ It’ll be a nice change of pace.”
We both laugh just as Steph steps back out onto the deck. She sits down beside me and reaches for my hand.
“Peaches,” Tom says softly.
Steph’s cheeks flush. “It’s my shampoo.”
“Reminds me of summers on my granddad’s peach farm in Virginia. Have I ever told you about that, Brandon?”
Steph and I share a smile.
“No, Tom, you never have.”
“I haven’t? Well, I was probably twelve years old . . .”
We spend the rest of the afternoon listening to Staff Sergeant Tom McBride tell us about his summers on his grandfather’s farm. I listen to his voice and I commit it to memory, because I never want to forget it.
I never want to forget him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Stephanie
“Say it with me.”
“Say what?”
“ ‘My name is Stephanie James, and I am a book hoarder.’ ”
As I stare at the disaster of books on my bedroom floor, it’s really hard to argue with my best friend.
But I do it anyway.
“I am not a hoarder. I just love my books.”
Tessa examines the spine of my old paperback copy of Judy Blume’s Forever. “You know, when I was thirteen, I thought this book was scandalous. I was so innocent back then.”
“I used to sit in the back of my high school library and read it.” I nod toward the paperback in her hand. “I checked it out so much the librarian finally just gave it to me.”
She laughs and adds the book to the box. “Maybe you should have been a librarian instead of an English teacher.”
“Maybe. Too late now.” With a deep sigh, I take a good look around my bedroom. “You know, I don’t remember unpacking all this stuff. Where did it come from?”
“Hoarder,” Tessa whispers, and I throw a pillow at her head.
“Careful now. I’m carrying your niece, you know.”
“Xavier says it’s my nephew.”
“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes, but I know she secretly loves it.
It’s been two weeks since she told Xavier he was going to be a father, and according to Tessa, his reaction was fairly epic.
She didn’t go into detail, but I heard there were tears.
From there, everything just fell into place with their families, basically because the parents didn’t have a choice. Xavier immediately adopted a “We’re having a baby and we don’t give a crap what you think” attitude, which impressed his parents and reassured hers that he was going to take care of their daughter and grandchild.
“So, Mommy, have you thought any more about Xavier’s proposal?”
She makes a face. “No, I have not. He hadn’t proposed to me before we got pregnant. Why should he propose now?”
“Because you’re going to be together forever anyway. You might as well get started.”
“Well, what about you and Brandon?”
“What about us?”
“What if he proposed before he went off to training? Would you say yes?”
I shake my head and reach for another empty box.
“Brandon and I are in a totally different situation. We’ve only been together a few months.”
“But you want him forever, right?”
“I do, but we realize it’s way too soon to be making any sort of commitment to each other. Maybe later, when we have a better idea of where we will be.”
“Where we will be?”
I throw another pillow at her head.
Smiling sweetly, Tessa stands up and starts removing what few posters and pictures I have hanging around the room.
“It’s not like I don’t want to marry Xavier,” she says. “I just don’t want the baby to be the reason we do it.”
“I know. But he was going to ask eventually.”
“But he wouldn’t have asked now.”
I place the lid on the box and stack it with the others next to the door. “I still think you should consider it. And that’s the last thing I’ll say on the subject.”
“Good, because now I have a serious question to ask you.”
“Shoot.”
“Where are all these boxes going?”
“With me, back to Mom’s for the summer.”
“And then?”
“And then I don’t know.”
Tessa pushes another box in my direction, and I add it to the heap.
“You are applying to teach, right?”
“Of course.”
She narrows her eyes.
“Okay, I haven’t applied anywhere yet. Technically, I can’t until I graduate.”
“And then you’ll apply, right?”
Trying to avoid eye contact, I glance around my bare bedroom. “We’ve done a good job in here. Ready for the pantry?”
Tessa nods and follows me out of my room toward the kitchen. Truthfully, there isn’t much to pack. She took all the fun appliances with her when she moved. I didn’t mind. The professional grade mixer and food processor would have just collected dust if she’d left them behind.
She starts in the pantry, tossing out-of-date cans and boxes into the trash while I head to the drawers.
“Does every house have a junk drawer?” I wonder aloud.
“Yes. And you didn’t answer my question, Steph.”
With a sigh, I leaf through a mound of junk mail before throwing it all in the trash.
“Of course I’ll apply somewhere, Tessa.”
“Yes, but when?”
“When I know exactly where Brandon will be stationed.”
Tessa nods and continues clearing out my cabinet. She doesn’t have to say it, but I can feel the disapproval radiating from her. I know what she’s thinking, and she’s not wrong.
I’m putting my life on hold for Brandon.
“It just seems pointless, Tessa. Why apply for jobs when I don’t even know where I’ll be?”
/> An old box of cereal flies through the air, landing in the garbage can.
“And what if you miss out on a really great job opportunity?” she asks.
“There will be other great job opportunities.”
“How do you know?”
“I don’t know, Tessa. I wish I had a crystal ball that would give me all the answers I need, but I don’t. For the first time in my life, I’m choosing to have faith. I love him. We are going to make it work, no matter what.”
“And that’s all wonderful, but what if Brandon is stationed somewhere you can’t go? Then you’re alone and unemployed.”
I slam the drawer shut. “Why are you doing this?”
Tessa sighs softly and closes the pantry door. “I just hate to see you put your life on hold. You’ve worked so hard, Steph. The girl who always has a plan suddenly doesn’t have one at all. It makes me nervous for you.”
“But we do have a plan. Once he gets his post, I’ll start applying for teaching jobs in the area. Some of the schools don’t start until after Labor Day anyway. If I can’t go with him, then I’ll stay with Mom and apply to schools in Indianapolis. I’ll find something, even if I have to substitute teach for a while.”
Defeated and tired, I drop into one of the kitchen chairs.
“Tessa, I can only control so much. I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful, and having you question it really upsets me considering I’ve done nothing but be supportive of you.”
“Steph, I didn’t mean—”
“Yes, you did mean it, and I get it. I do. Yes, I’m choosing to put my life on hold for a few months, but I’m doing it in hopes that it will lead to years of something wonderful. Can’t you, of all people, understand that?”
Tessa nods and walks toward me. She falls slowly to her knees and takes my hands in hers.
“See, you do have a plan. I should have known that you would.”
“Yes, you should’ve.” I smile down at her. “Now get off the floor before you make your water break or something.”
“I don’t think that can happen yet. The baby is the size of a plum.”
We laugh and help each other to our feet.
“To thank you for helping me pack, I’m taking you out to lunch.”
Her eyes brighten. “Ooh, can we get pancakes?”
“Pancakes? Is this one of those weird pregnancy cravings?”
“Must be. I want pancakes all the time. And baked beans.”
I make a face. “I hope not at the same time.”
“Had both for dinner last night.”
“Gag.”
“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it, Steph.”
We laugh and head out the door. As I drive us to the nearest breakfast place, I can’t help but wonder if this might be the last lunch we’ll have together before graduation. It’s just a few weeks away, and between finals and packing, neither of us have a lot of free time. Once we have our degrees, Tessa will be headed to Chicago with Xavier and I’ll be . . . well, I don’t know where I’ll be. Normally that would scare the crap out of me, but all I feel is hopeful.
Good things are coming, and for the first time in my life, I’m excited that I have absolutely no idea what that means. Maybe that’s because I know that, regardless of where I am, I’ll still be his, and Brandon will still be mine.
That knowledge makes me brave.
Brave enough to try baked beans with my pancakes, much to my best friend’s absolute delight.
Later that evening, I call Mom to give her the date and time of our graduation. She and Brandon talk for a few minutes before telling each other goodnight. After handing me the phone, he kisses my forehead and then calls for Bangle. The cat leaps out of my lap and follows him down the hallway.
“You know, out of all the surprises this semester, I have to say my cat’s growing affection for Brandon has to be the most unexpected of all.”
“Getting close are they?”
“They cuddle now.”
Mom laughs. “I can’t believe it’s only a week until graduation. You’re all packed?”
“Pretty much. Everything that can be packed is boxed up and ready to go.” I cradle the phone close to my ear and take a deep breath. “I . . . kinda wanted to talk to you about where to store them.”
“I assumed you’d bring them home.”
“You did?”
“Of course.”
I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Are you coming home with them?”
“I actually wanted to talk to you about that, too”
So I tell her about my plan to live with her throughout the summer, and to hold off on applying for a job until I know the location of Brandon’s post.
“And if you can’t go with him?” she asks.
“Then I’ll apply for jobs in and around Indianapolis. And I’ll find my own apartment.”
She laughs. “Steph, you’re welcome to live with me for as long as you want. You know I miss having you around.”
“But?”
“Well, I am a little concerned about you putting your life on hold.”
“You did it for Dad.”
The words are out before I can stop them, but I wouldn’t take them back even if I could. After my conversation with Tessa this afternoon, I expected the same from my mom.
“You’re right, I did.”
“Do you regret that decision?”
“No, because it gave me you.”
I fumble with the chain around my neck. I’ve stopped hiding it beneath my clothes. It’s always visible now, and always around my neck. I only take it off to sleep. I’m too afraid it’ll become tangled and break.
“Mom, I don’t see this as me putting my life on hold. I’m just waiting a few months. Once we find out where he’ll be on a permanent basis, then I’ll decide what to do.”
She grows silent, which is unusual for my mom. She’s never been shy about voicing her disapproval.
“Mom, do you remember at the beginning of this semester when you asked me to do something adventurous before I devote the rest of my life to my teaching career?”
“Vaguely,” she mutters, but I know better. Mom never forgets a thing.
“I love him, Mom.”
“I know you do.”
“Just the fact that I am in love is an adventure. The fact that I’m in love with a soldier is the ultimate adventure.”
“No, that’s a miracle.”
We both laugh.
“Mom, we want to be together. I hope I can go with him. We can’t live together, but we could at least be in the same town. If I can’t, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there, but for now, I am trying to have faith. I’m placing my hopes in the hands of the military gods that he gets a good post. For me, that’s about as adventurous as it gets.”
Mom chuckles softly. “I must say, it sounds like you have it all planned out.”
“I have it as planned out as I can. I’ll deal with the rest when it comes.”
After we hang up, I turn off the lights and head to our bedroom. Brandon’s fast asleep, with Bangle curled around his feet. I change out of my clothes and slip on one of his shirts . . . a khaki tee, with Army Strong printed across the chest. I slip my dad’s ID tags over my head and place them gently on top of the dresser.
With the light spilling in through the curtains, I’m able to catch my reflection in the dresser mirror. I gaze thoughtfully at the girl in the glass. On the outside, she’s not really all that different from the girl she was at the beginning of the semester. Her hair’s a little longer and she’s lost a few pounds, but other than that, she’s the same girl.
On the outside.
But on the inside, there has been a seismic shift. In her attitude, her personality, and in her faith. She’s let go of the bitter chain she carried for far too long, allowing her to open her eyes and her heart to the type of man she never imagined she could love, but now, can’t imagine living without.
Stephanie James has finally grown up.
As I climb into bed and snuggle deep into Brandon’s arms, I can’t help but think that’s what college is really all about. It’s not just a bunch of classes and parties. It’s not just sports and lectures. It’s about finding the person you’re meant to be.
And if you’re lucky, the person you’re meant to be with.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Brandon
Graduation.
Some people never have one.
A few of my friends back in Applewood dropped out before graduating high school. Of those who did make it, most of them didn’t go on to college. A lot of them started working in the mines, which is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Some found minimum wage jobs in our little town, or moved to nearby places like Pikeville or Hazard, hoping to find work. Other friends disappeared completely, and I haven’t seen them since walking across the stage of Applewood High.
As I prepare for my second graduation of the day—my ROTC Commissioning Ceremony—I can’t help but think about my mother. In just a few minutes, I will no longer be a cadet. I will be commissioned as a second lieutenant in the United States Army, and she’s not here to see it.
Would she be proud? I have no idea.
I’ve spent so much time not thinking about her that it surprises me that today would be the day I’d feel her absence the most. She’s missing so much. She didn’t see me receiving my bachelor’s degree this morning. She missed watching the woman I love receive hers. And she’ll never meet her beautiful granddaughters.
I fasten the last button on my uniform and look at myself in the full-length mirror.
It’s time to stop wasting time and energy feeling sorry for the choice she made.
I join my fellow cadets, and we shake each other’s hands before forming a line and entering the small auditorium. Six of us are being commissioned today. This graduation is low-key but still formal, with about fifty guests sitting in the audience. Behind them, the remaining cadets sit in their Class A uniforms.
As the colonel welcomes everyone to the ceremony, I scan the room in search of my family. Christian and the girls are in the third row, and sitting next to them is my father, smiling proudly in his uniform. Dr. Edsall reminded us it was a risk, him making the five-hour trip to Indiana just for a pinning ceremony, but I wanted him here, and in his most lucid moments, he wanted to be here. If all goes well, he’ll have a very important role today.
