And the forest was such a quiet place, at least when Zeke wasn’t banging something or other, which he seemed to be doing pretty constantly this evening. Still, even his noise wasn’t the same as the noise in her tenth-floor apartment, where traffic on the street below sent up a constant hum that she blocked out, just as she’d learned to block out the sound of doors closing and telephones ringing in other apartments. She lived in a beehive of people, while Zeke lived in almost total isolation.
She’d been so wrong to expect him to respond like a jaded urban guy when she’d shown up with Amanda. To think that he’d sit and drink coffee while they talked over their options was insane, she now realized. In her world that might have happened. Many men she knew hid their primitive urges under a veneer of civilized behavior. Zeke wasn’t quite civilized.
And that was why making love to him had been such a transforming experience. But it would be selfish of her to do that again. Still, she had a hard time resisting Zeke’s wildness. When they’d made love last summer, she’d fantasized they were creatures of the forest themselves.
“Is stew okay?” Zeke asked, turning from the cupboard to glance over at her.
“Fine. I like stew.” She would have eaten anything he gave her, considering how rotten she felt about putting him in this untenable position.
Yet she had to remember that despite the pain she and Zeke had caused each other, the end result had been Amanda. She gazed down at her child, never tiring of watching her. Despite the clatter Zeke was making in the kitchen, Amanda lay quietly, eyes closed as she sucked gently on her fist. Gradually her body relaxed into sleep and her hand fell away from her rosebud mouth.
She was so perfect, Katherine thought, a lump of emotion lodging in her throat. So helpless, too. Amanda depended on her to make everything turn out right, and she was determined the baby’s instinctive faith wouldn’t be misplaced. Amanda deserved the best life Katherine could give her, and that’s what she’d get.
Gradually Katherine became aware that the cabin was completely silent except for the crackling of the fire. She glanced up, expecting Zeke to have gone out for more wood. Instead he was standing by the fireplace gazing at her and Amanda. The minute Katherine saw him there, he turned and crouched down next to the kettle hanging over the flames and began to stir the contents.
“Is there something I can do?” she asked, pretending she hadn’t seen that wrenching expression of longing on his face. “Set the table or something? Amanda’s asleep.”
He didn’t turn. “Napkins and silverware are in the top drawer next to the refrigerator.” His voice had a definite huskiness to it.
Oh, God, she should never have come here, Katherine thought. She should have overruled Naomi and sent Zeke a letter, just like he’d said. Then this man who had grown up an orphan wouldn’t have any picture in his mind of the little family he’d created and yet couldn’t be part of.
Except he could be a part of Amanda’s life, if he’d allow himself to. When she was too little to send to Wyoming, Katherine could bring her. Sure, the contact with Zeke would be tough, knowing they had no future, but if she could survive this weekend, she could survive anything. And it would be better for Amanda, and better for Zeke, who was not going to forget this little baby, not judging from the look on his face a moment ago.
She eased out of the rocker and leaned down to lay Amanda in the makeshift bassinet. The arrangement made Katherine smile. Amanda fit inside the brass kettle perfectly. Another month and she’d be too big for it, but it was exactly the right size now. Katherine had left her camera in her room at the lodge or she would have considered taking a picture of Amanda to save for when she was older. Assuming Zeke would be a viable part of her life, that was.
She walked over to the kitchen area, but when she tried to open the drawer Zeke had indicated, she realized why he’d been making so much noise. All the drawers were swollen from the rain. The silverware clattered as she put some muscle into it and pulled hard enough to get the drawer open.
“I found a box of hot cocoa mix, if you’d like that to drink,” Zeke said from his position by the fire. “I’ve already heated water for instant coffee.”
“Cocoa’s fine.” Katherine set the table with Zeke’s utilitarian white napkins and his stainless steel. There was something appealing about his uncomplicated life-style. She was beginning to appreciate that a minimum of possessions meant more time to do other things. Unfortunately one of the things she longed to do wasn’t wise.
“If you’ll bring me a couple of bowls, I’ll dish this out.”
“Sure.” She opened cupboard doors until she found the bowls and took two out. Walking over toward the fire, she took a deep sniff of warm stew and thought what a cozy setup this was, having all the conveniences in one room. If they were a couple, this night in the cabin could be a lot of fun, she thought wistfully.
* * *
ZEKE SAT ACROSS THE TABLE from Katherine and tried not to think about sex. It reminded him of an exercise a professor had given during one of his college classes. Everyone was supposed to try not to think of a pink elephant. Nobody could think of anything else but a pink elephant.
Katherine used her spoon to point to her bowl of stew. “This is very good.”
“Homemade’s better, but this is okay in a pinch.” The soft light from the kerosene lantern cast the same glow that it had when they’d shared a campsite. He’d cooked her trout that night, and she’d raved about that, too, he remembered.
She took another spoonful of stew. She’d nearly polished off the bowl. “I’m not fussy. As bad a cook as I am, I can’t afford to be.”
He’d guessed she wasn’t much of a cook when she hadn’t leaped to take over his kitchen and whip up something amazing. Women who could cook, even if they’d sprained a wrist, usually liked to show off a little. “I was spoiled,” he said. “Lost Springs had a great cook while I was there. I’m sure people expect boys in an orphanage to live on bread and water, but I swear Millie must have been Julia Child’s clone. We ate like kings.”
“What was life like there?”
“A boy’s paradise. Dogs to wrestle with, horses to ride, cows to chase. We all had chores, of course, and the bigger kids were expected to take care of the smaller ones, but it was like never-ending camp, sleeping in bunkhouses with your buddies, going on roundup together, sleeping under the stars sometimes.” And sometimes you woke up crying because you dreamed about your mother driving away and leaving you with strangers.
“And now the ranch is in financial trouble?”
“It was. The bachelor auction made a big difference.”
“That’s good.” She picked up her cocoa and took a sip.
“More stew?”
“No, thanks. I’m full and happy.”
He deliberately avoided meeting her gaze. Now would come the tough part of the evening. They’d sat together like this a year ago, and after they’d satisfied their hunger for food, they’d begun to feel the pangs of that other, more erotic hunger.
Tonight would be worse, because he knew what awaited him in Katherine’s arms. He wondered if sex with her would be that wonderful again, or if leftover adrenaline from her scare had made her more passionate that night. Well, unless she made a move toward him, he wouldn’t find out. Damned if he’d take the blame for losing control and landing them in bed together again.
“I can’t imagine you on an auction block,” she said.
“I hated the idea. But I couldn’t say no when everybody else was doing it. If they fell short of their goal I’d always wonder if it was my fault.” He took a swallow of his coffee. “As it turned out, I didn’t have to go up there.”
“No.” She hesitated, her shoulders tight. “Maybe now you wish you had.”
He thought about that. At first he’d wished Katherine hadn’t told him about the baby and had ju
st stayed in New York, but now the idea of never seeing that little face, never touching that tiny body, seemed unthinkable.
He glanced over at the kettle where Amanda lay sleeping. “No, I’m glad you brought her out here.”
She sagged with relief. “Thank you for saying that. All day I’ve been wondering if I made a terrible mistake. I thought maybe it would have been better if you’d never seen her. Then you wouldn’t have any mental pictures, and that might be easier.”
“It would be easier. But not better.”
She toyed with her spoon. “Zeke, couldn’t we work out something where you could have contact with her? At least once in a while?”
Instinctively he threw up his barrier again. “I don’t think so, Katherine. I don’t know anything about taking care of kids.”
“But you just said at Lost Springs the big kids were expected to take care of the small ones. You must have been a big kid at some point.”
“Yeah, but they were boys.”
She smiled.
He wished she wouldn’t smile. Every time she did, his heart beat a little faster and his mouth went dry. When they’d made love in the tent, she’d been full of smiles. He was conditioned to expect pleasure to follow when Katherine smiled.
“Boys and girls aren’t all that different,” she said.
“Maybe not in New York, but out here we consider them a lot different. We even have separate bathrooms and wear different kinds of underwear, both of which are designed for those...differences.”
Her skin grew rosy. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant that you can treat a little girl basically the same way you treat a little boy.”
“Is that so? I’m not so sure. On Saturday nights at Lost Springs, some of us would climb in the old ranch van and go to the Isis movie theater in town. And the big guys would take care of the little guys, which meant if one of the younger ones had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the show, one of the older ones would take him and bring him back. Just how would that work with a little girl?”
“To be honest, I hadn’t thought of that. But it seems like a minor problem.”
“Maybe to you. Women have been hauling little boys into the women’s room for generations. No man in his right mind would take a little girl into the men’s room, at least not in this day and age.”
“You could figure out other things to do, outdoor things like hiking and camping. I think you and Amanda—”
“Don’t do this, Katherine.” He was beginning to panic. He knew a ranger who was a noncustodial father, and the guy’s life was a nightmare. He had to face a little stranger every summer, and about the time he got reacquainted with his son, the kid took off for his mother’s house to spend the next nine months changing into yet another stranger. And that guy had more social skills than Zeke, and his kid was a boy, which helped a lot, too. Zeke pictured himself trying to keep up with dolls and dresses and makeup. He couldn’t imagine being able to cope.
“But—”
“I’m glad I had a chance to see her, but this is where it needs to end. Take her back to New York and raise her there. I’ll send you money, but don’t ask me to twist myself into something I’m not just to suit your image of what should be.”
She sighed and stood, gathering her dishes. “I’m not asking you to change anything about yourself, Zeke. Amanda would love you just the way you are.”
“After growing up in New York City?” He picked up his bowl and empty coffee mug, along with the kerosene lantern, and followed her over to the sink. “You think she’d be happy spending time in this little cabin with no TV, no computer games, no friends to play with? Even you are mystified as to how I spend my time.” He set the lantern on the counter. “You couldn’t hack living here for days on end, so what makes you think Amanda will be excited about it? You’d be forcing something on her she didn’t even want, Katherine.”
She set her dishes in the sink and turned to him. “Everybody needs a father!”
“Yeah, well, everybody doesn’t get a father.” He dumped his dishes in with hers in an angry clatter. “Stop trying to make everything turn out perfectly for Amanda. The only way I can imagine her learning to like it here is for you to move in and raise her right in this little cabin. Are you ready for that?”
He was surprised that she didn’t immediately reject his outrageous proposal. He’d meant it as a ridiculous suggestion, but she looked at him as if she might actually be thinking about it. There was a light in her eyes that hadn’t been there a moment ago.
“Don’t kid yourself.” He started rinsing the dishes in cold water. “Don’t think you could sacrifice yourself like that and be even slightly happy.”
“Is it really me you’re worried about?” she asked quietly, leaning on the counter. “Or would you be the one making the biggest sacrifice by allowing a woman and child into your world?”
The concept of having her and Amanda live with him was so stunningly beautiful that he couldn’t speak. And because it would never happen, he put it out of his mind immediately. He scrubbed vigorously at the bits of stew in the bowls.
“It’s okay, Zeke. You don’t have to be afraid that I’ll suddenly camp on your doorstep and ruin your peace and quiet.”
He kept his attention on the dishes, cleaning them as they’d never been cleaned before. “By the way, you can take the bed tonight. I’ll take the floor.”
“Oh, no. I’ll take the floor. I’m the uninvited guest.”
He rinsed the bowls and started scouring out the sink. “Don’t argue with the ranger, ma’am. I sleep on the ground a lot, so a blanket on the floor of a cabin is a step up for me. Besides, if I put you on the floor you’ll toss and turn all night trying to get comfortable and keep me awake.”
“I will not toss and turn.”
“Yeah, you will.” He looked up with a faint smile. “You did last time.”
Her face filled with color. “I’m sorry. Why didn’t you say something?”
“Are you kidding? I wasn’t complaining, just stating a fact.” His body stirred as he gazed at her. “Restlessness has its advantages, sometimes.”
She swallowed. “I’ll take the bed, then.”
“Good.”
CHAPTER NINE
JUST AS ZEKE WAS RUNNING out of tasks to distract him from his need for Katherine, Amanda came to the rescue by waking up. Thankful for the interruption, he hurried over to scoop her up from her bassinet. “Is she hungry already?” he asked, turning to Katherine.
“I doubt it. But I’ll bet she wants her bath. I give her one every night about this time.”
Washing the baby would take up some time, he thought. “Then let’s heat water in the kettle and give her one.”
“I guess we could use the kitchen sink,” Katherine said. “Let me hold her while you get it ready.”
Zeke carefully transferred a fretting Amanda to Katherine. While he filled the kettle and hung it over the fire, Katherine walked around the cabin and talked to Amanda in the sweet little singsong voice he’d tried to imitate out in the truck. Katherine was a whole lot better at it than he was. The sound of her voice seemed to soothe Amanda, but it had the opposite effect on him. Of course, anything Katherine did seemed to have a stimulating effect where he was concerned.
Too bad he couldn’t take a bath so he could sleep better. He had a feeling he was in for a long, frustrating night. As he filled the sink with water from the kettle, steam warmed his face and neck. “This seems pretty hot. Should I add cold?”
“Probably. It should be lukewarm. After you add some cold, you can test it by sticking your elbow in.”
“My elbow, huh?” He rolled up his sleeves, figuring he’d have to do it anyway when bath time came, added some cold water and dunked his elbow in. It was amazing how it registered the temperature of the water bett
er than his hand. Still too hot. He added cold water a little at a time until he had it the way he imagined it should be.
“How about soap?” he asked.
“I have some liquid soap in the diaper bag. And you’d better have a couple of towels ready, too. And transfer the changing pad to the counter.”
“Got a rubber ducky?”
Katherine laughed. “She’s not quite at that stage.”
Zeke flashed back to a time at the ranch he’d forgotten about, when he’d been put in charge of giving the smallest boys their baths. He’d loved the job and had gone so far as to whittle the kids toy boats they could play with. With a start he wondered if that long-forgotten experience had been the reason he’d bought the big tub for his bathroom.
Someday Amanda would be big enough to sail toy boats in her bathwater. And he had just the tub for that kind of fun, as it turned out. But he wouldn’t be making boats for her or letting her play in the big claw-foot tub.
“I think we’re set.”
“This time I’d better abandon the sling so I can use both hands. You don’t want to deal with a slippery baby one-handed.”
“Keep the sling on.” Without preamble Zeke lifted Amanda into his arms. “Let me do this. You can coach from the sidelines.”
* * *
THIS WAS WHAT SHE wanted, after all, Katherine thought, although it felt strange having someone else give Amanda her bath. Zeke was definitely a fast learner, though. In short order he had Amanda’s sleeper off and was working on her diaper.
He glanced over at Katherine. “So far, so good.”
Amanda cooed and waved her arms.
“She knows what’s coming,” Katherine said. “She likes baths.”
“Yeah, but she’s never had one given by fumble fingers.”
“Don’t be silly. You’re not clumsy.” Quite the opposite, if she remembered correctly. Adept came to mind.
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