“I do a little better with bigger girls.”
Katherine wondered if she’d just have to get used to being constantly needy until she finally left Zeke for good. She leaned against the counter. “We can’t seem to avoid that subject, can we?”
“Pretty tough to avoid it when we’re stuck together like this. And it’s not as if we’ve never made love, so that barrier’s been crossed.”
“And we have the evidence to prove it.” She saw that he was about to get the diaper off by lifting Amanda’s legs one at a time again. When he’d changed her diaper before, she wouldn’t have dared correct him and risk shaking his confidence, but now she felt he was less likely to give up the project if she made a gentle suggestion. “Try holding both ankles and lifting. That way you can slip the diaper out in one motion.”
Zeke followed her direction. “I’ll be damned—uh, doggoned. Big improvement.” He gazed down at Amanda. “Smart mommy you have there, Mandy.”
Too bad she enjoyed his compliments so much. She took the folded diaper he handed her. “If I’d been a little smarter, we wouldn’t be here.”
“You mean because you wouldn’t have tried hiking Yellowstone by yourself?”
“Right.” She walked over to the trash, deposited the diaper and came back to the sink. “Or I would have understood the intricacies of my birth-control pills and known we didn’t dare make love that night.”
Zeke put a restraining hand on the baby as he glanced at Katherine. “Oh, I think we would have made love.”
“And knowingly run the risk of pregnancy? I don’t think so.”
“There are lots of ways to make love.” His dark eyes were warm. “And we’re both pretty smart, as a matter of fact. I’m sure we would have figured out something.”
Her mouth grew moist and her body tightened. “Okay. Maybe you’re right. But if we’re both so smart, why can’t we figure out a solution to this mess we’re in now?”
“Oh, I think you have. You just have to be strong enough to carry it through.” He regarded her quietly for a moment. “And now you’d better tell me how to do this so I don’t drown our baby.”
Her heart wrenched. He’d never used the term our before. “Well, you, uh—” A wave of emotion caught her by surprise and she had to clear her throat. “You hold her head and neck with your left hand, and—no, wait. I keep forgetting you’re backwards.”
“Watch your language. This little girl might be left-handed, too.”
“Oops. Sorry. Let’s say you’re opposite from the way I am.”
“That’s better. So I should hold her head and neck in my right hand.”
“Yes, and her bottom in your left.” She hoped Amanda would be left-handed, as well as have Zeke’s bravery and compassion, although she wasn’t sure how much of that could be inherited and how much needed to be taught.
“Got her.” He sounded nervous. “But she’s getting squirmy.”
“This is where your big hands help. Lower her into the water slowly and let her get used to it. Then slide your left hand out and use the washcloth on whatever you can reach. Don’t worry about every nook and cranny.”
“And there sure are a lot of those.” Zeke eased her into the water.
“Oh, and I warn you she likes to splash. She’ll be slippery when she’s wet, so keep a firm grip on her.”
“Okay, wiggly girl. Time to get clean.” Zeke picked up the washcloth and Amanda started kicking. “Hey!” Amanda kicked harder, splashing water on Zeke’s shirt. “Splashing is one thing. This kid’s a motorboat.”
“I probably should have told you to take off your shirt.” Except Katherine didn’t really want a shirtless Zeke walking around the cabin. She reached over and took hold of Amanda’s flailing legs with her left hand. “Easy, baby.”
Amanda stopped kicking and slapped both hands into the water, spraying Zeke’s shirt again as she crowed loudly.
Katherine gave Zeke a look of apology. “She loves this, as you can tell. I usually put on my terry bathrobe when I give her a bath, so it doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter, anyway.” Zeke started washing Amanda as he grinned down at her. “Having a good time, aren’t we?”
She grinned back and plopped her hands into the water again.
Zeke chuckled as he continued his gentle movements with the washcloth. “Gonna be a swimmer when you grow up, Mandy? Win a few medals?”
“Maybe she will.” Katherine stood close to Zeke and basked in this moment of togetherness. “Swimming was my sport in high school.”
“I didn’t go out for a team until I was in college, but it helped put me through.”
“You were in swimming, too?” He certainly had the physique for it, she thought. Massive chest and long, lithe legs.
“Yeah, I was. Small world, isn’t it? So, do we do her hair and face?”
“I’ll rinse another washcloth out in the bathroom sink for her face, so we don’t get soap in her eyes. Be right back.”
“Okay.” Zeke sounded unconcerned, totally unlike the last time she’d left him alone with Amanda.
In the bathroom she found a clean washcloth, dampened it and wrung it out. The cloth would be cold, but better that than a soapy one. She’d started back into the main room of the cabin when instinct made her pause.
Without her there, Zeke had entered into a private world with Amanda. Katherine knew the feeling well—the coziness of a charmed circle that included only parent and baby. Zeke leaned over the sink, his shirt soaked as he cradled Amanda in his brawny arms and smiled down at her. He dwarfed the tiny baby, which only made the picture more poignant.
“Want a ride now?” he asked.
Amanda gurgled.
“Okay. A ride it is.” He swirled Amanda gently in the water. “Whee,” he said softly. “See, Mandy? Fun, huh? Now we’ll go the other way. Whee. Don’t worry. Daddy’s got you.”
Daddy. Katherine’s chest tightened. Damn. In another second she’d start crying. She turned and went back into the bathroom and held the cold cloth against her eyes. Her dearest wish was coming true, and Zeke was building a relationship with his daughter. Katherine vowed then and there not to let her physical attraction to Zeke jeopardize that bond.
“Hey, Katherine! What’s taking you so long? This kid’s starting to wrinkle!”
Caught halfway between laughter and tears, Katherine turned on the faucet to disguise the tremble in her voice. “Be right there! Couldn’t find the washcloth!” Taking a deep breath, she rinsed out the cloth again and left the bathroom.
* * *
ZEKE HELPED KATHERINE tuck a sweet-smelling Amanda into the copper kettle bassinet. He’d placed it next to the bed so that Katherine would have the baby handy during the night. While they stood together gazing down at her in her fluffy nest, she fought sleep and stared back at them.
Zeke thought how normal it would be to put his arm around Katherine at a time like this, but he didn’t do it. He could talk to her, though. That was still allowed. “I never thought about it before, but baby animals are all sort of the same.”
“How do you mean?”
“You have to think of how they see things. They’re so small, and you’re so big, that you have to be real careful that you don’t scare them, or they’ll never trust you.”
Katherine glanced over at him. “That’s true, at least for Amanda. I don’t know much about animal babies.”
“They’re a lot the same. I thought taking care of Amanda would be more complicated, but she seems to be getting used to me.”
“She’s definitely used to you. Look, she’s trying to stay awake, but her little eyes keep closing.”
He enjoyed the low melody of Katherine’s voice as she talked about the baby. He could stand here for a long time listening to Katherine and watching Aman
da sleep. “She’s been having too much fun. She doesn’t want it to end.”
“You could be right. Sometimes she fusses before she drops off at night, but maybe she likes the quiet of the woods.”
“Maybe.” He had an inspiration. “Since she’s going off to sleep so easily, would you like to sit out on the porch for a little while? We can open one of the porch windows a bit so we’ll hear her.” He motioned to a couple of hooks by the door. “And I have an extra jacket you can wear if you think you’ll get cold.” During her moment of hesitation, he realized she might be wondering what he had planned for her on that porch. “We’ll just talk, Katherine. I promise. Or sit and enjoy the crickets. It’s peaceful out there.”
The slight frown cleared from her brow. “Okay. That would be nice.”
“Great.” He crossed to the sink and grabbed a used dish towel. “Take your pick of those jackets. I’ll wipe down the chairs.” He felt like whistling as he went out on the porch and whisked the moisture off the Adirondacks.
She came out wearing his black nylon jacket. “Which chair?”
“Either one. Maybe you’d like the one closer to the door, in case Amanda wakes up.”
“Good idea.” She sat down, wincing when she knocked her sprained wrist against the broad arm of the chair. Then she leaned back with a sigh. “Great chairs.”
“Thanks.” He sat down beside her, and the feeling of sharing was all he’d hoped it would be. The damp, pungent scent of a rain-drenched forest settled around them and a cricket chirped nearby. “I figured a porch needed chairs.”
“Definitely. And these are perfect. They make me think of the beach. When my parents were alive we spent a couple of weeks on Long Island Sound one summer. The beach cottages had chairs like this.”
“I’ve never been to a beach like that. Never seen the ocean, for that matter.”
“Never?” She turned her head to gaze at him. “Oh, Zeke, you would love it. The waves, and the ebb and flow of the tides, and walking barefoot along a deserted beach looking for seashells. It’s your type of thing.”
It might be, he thought, if he could share it with her. He pictured a dark-haired little girl squatting beside the surf, a pail and shovel in her hand. Amanda would love the ocean.
“Then again, maybe you wouldn’t like it.” Katherine faced forward again and her voice was more subdued. “I shouldn’t make those assumptions after knowing you such a short time.”
“You know me better than you think you do.”
“I do?”
“Maybe even better than I know myself.” He took a deep breath. Once he said this, there would be no turning back. “I’m willing to consider having Amanda come and visit me once in a while, Katherine.”
She turned her head quickly toward him. “Really?”
“The idea still scares the devil out of me. Maybe I’ve learned how to change a diaper and give her a bath, but that doesn’t mean I’ll know what to do when she’s two, or four, or fourteen. But I’m willing to try.”
“Oh, Zeke.” Her voice was husky. “That means so much to me. And it will mean the world to Amanda.”
“I hope you’re right.” His declaration was almost worth it just to see the warmth and eagerness in her expression. “I still think there could come a time when she’d rather spend her vacation with her friends back in New York instead of out in the boonies with me.”
“I doubt it.” Katherine swept an arm around the clearing. “Look at all you have here. Only an idiot wouldn’t feel lucky to be allowed to spend time with you here.”
He thought of pointing out that she was itching to hightail it out of this paradise he’d brought her to, but he didn’t.
She leaned back and gazed out through the trees where the clouds were giving way to a star-speckled night sky. “Listen to the wind in the pines. And the crickets, and the drip, drip, drip of rainwater from the eaves. The combination is hypnotic.”
“I guess it is.” He wasn’t sure he’d have said that. The night was relaxing him, but he was far from hypnotized. The more he relaxed, the more he wanted to take her to bed.
“And the air smells so...so fertile.”
“Mmm.” He supposed she was only speaking poetically. After all, she was a magazine editor, and she had to come up with descriptions of fashion stuff all the time. She probably hadn’t meant to use a word that made him think about sex. More specifically, sex with her. She had been fertile a year ago. No doubt she was again.
“Amanda will love coming here,” Katherine said.
“But she’ll be the only kid. That could be lonely.”
“Maybe sometimes she will be. I was, too. But that can’t be helped, can it?”
God, he must be insane. What he really wanted, now that he’d committed to this fatherhood thing, was to give Amanda a baby brother or sister. And this time he could be in touch with Katherine throughout the pregnancy, and he’d be there to watch the baby being born. After all, what difference would it make whether they set up this whole scheme for one kid or two? And to make love to her again, knowing that he was trying to get her pregnant—he grew hard just thinking about it.
Of course it was an impossible dream. He cleared his throat. “No, I guess it can’t be helped.”
She was silent for some time after that.
He sat and tried to become as hypnotized as she apparently was by the rhythm of the wind, the chirp of the crickets and the steady drip of the water. Instead the wind reminded him of Katherine’s sigh of satisfaction, and the crickets sounded like the squeak of bedsprings. The dripping water beat in the same steady tempo that gave Katherine so much pleasure when he was deep—
“Do you think...you’ll get married someday?”
No, not now. “Hard to say. If I did, the woman would have to like this isolated life-style. So far every woman I’ve been serious about has finally admitted she’d go crazy living the way I live, and we’ve broken off the relationship, so I may be out of luck. Why?”
“Your comment about Amanda being an only child. I started thinking about it and realized that you might get married and have other children, so she’d have half brothers and sisters.”
“Would you like that?” He wanted her to say that she’d hate it, that she never wanted another woman to lie with him the way she had.
“Well, I—suppose then Amanda wouldn’t be by herself when she visited you.”
He turned his head to look at her. “That isn’t what I asked. Would you like me to get married and have other children?”
“I don’t see what that has to do with anything. What difference does it make whether I would like it? If it would be good for you, and good for Amanda, then I—”
“Damn it, Katherine, stop being so civilized and reasonable. All right, I’ll go first. You could do the same thing—find a New York stockbroker and have a slew of kids with the guy.”
“Oh, I don’t think—”
“Why not? You said the magazine office is set up for kids.”
“Well, maybe, but men aren’t beating down my door with marriage proposals. I’m not what you’d call a sexy woman.”
He laughed.
“I’m not! Most men think I’m too tall, or too smart, or too skinny.”
“Skinny? I don’t think so!”
“It’s true. I’ve been a skinny girl all my life, and I haven’t even had much in the way of breasts until Amanda was born.”
He gazed at her, remembering the pleasure she’d given him in the confines of his little tent last summer. Maybe her breasts were fuller now, but they’d fit his hands perfectly then, too. “You have beautiful breasts,” he said. “I thought so before, and I still do.” Even in the dim light from the stars he could see that her eyes darkened in response.
“So don’t tell me you won’t have any guys hanging arou
nd hoping you’ll consider marrying them,” he continued. He figured it was even more likely now, after the baby. Pregnancy and childbirth had added to Katherine’s womanliness in potent, yet undefinable, ways.
“Okay, maybe somebody might show up,” she said. “And I suppose if I met someone and we decided to marry, I’d have to consider whether it would be good for Amanda to have a brother or sister. But we’re talking a long time from now, Zeke.”
He leaned toward her. “You know how long I’d like it to be? Amanda’s welfare aside?”
“No. I’m not sure I understand your point.”
His blood was heating up, and he couldn’t seem to help it. “I’d like it to be never, Katherine. I don’t want another man to touch you the way I have, to make you pregnant, to stand beside you gazing down at the little child you’ve created together.”
She stared at him, her eyes wide, her lips parted.
He pushed on. “The only way I’d want Amanda to have a brother or sister would be if I made you pregnant again. That’s selfish and unreasonable and exactly the way I feel.”
Her breath came quick and shallow as she gazed at him. “I don’t know how you do it,” she murmured.
“Do what?”
“Make me want you more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. You don’t even have to touch me. All you have to do is say something like that, and I’m on fire.”
A shudder passed through him. He could take her inside now, and she would go. “But you don’t want to be aroused, do you?”
She shook her head.
“Then I—”
A long, melancholy howl rose on the night air. He paused to listen.
Katherine’s breath caught. “A wolf,” she said, almost reverently.
“Yes.” The howl came again. Then others in the pack joined in, creating a primitive chorus that gave him chills of pleasure every time. A pack had migrated down from Yellowstone, and although some people in the area weren’t happy about it, Zeke was thrilled.
She rose from her chair and walked over to the porch steps, as if lured by the sound. “Naomi gave me the bachelor auction brochure to read. You helped bring wolves back to this area, didn’t you?”
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