by Irene Bolton
Now we rarely saw each other. I passed Karina to him, and he, later, back to me.
“How are you doing, how are classes going?”
“Excellent, Karina is a very gifted girl…”
That was it. And that was right.
There was only one problem in my life now: I had stopped going down to the kitchen in the evenings and drinking tea... And so my evenings had become boring and monotonous.
Until…
Stan returned home from work that night earlier than usual but did not announce an entertainment program, or whisk Karina from the doorstep to go with her to the garden or to one of the secluded corners of the house where you could put puzzles together or play chess. He merely said, "I'll work at home now, I'll be busy. So, baby, I'll see you at dinner.”
Karina accepted his words calmly, because she was no longer deprived of his attention. She was even enthusiastic.
“Oh, nice!” She said. “So, I can have a half an hour to chat with John."
"With John? What do you talk about?” Her father looked at her seriously. Something in his gaze promised that John or anyone who approached his beauty would be having a lot of serious conversations with Stan.
It was so touching. So much so that I relaxed for a moment and stared at Stan. I was totally caught off guard then when he turned to me abruptly, and said:
“Alex, when Karina is in her bed, please come to my office.”
He was not joking at all anymore.
“What happened?” I wanted to clarify the situation in advance.
“We will talk later”, he obviously did not want to go into details.
Apparently, it was something that Karina should not be privy to.
"Yes, of course," I said. What else could I say?
The rest of the evening I felt very nervous. I tried to guess what his words might mean. What could he want to talk about? He received daily reports on our progress, Karina was fine, we were doing a great job. Although, if the average person looked at her program, they would immediately be fooled into thinking that several children and several nannies were needed to deal with it. I was trying hard to figure out all our misdeeds in my mind, trying to guess what was the reason for such an unusual invitation.
Fortunately, Karina fell asleep very quickly. Or was that unfortunately? Perhaps, I should not rush to my boss’s office.
Before I entered Stan's office, I hesitated a moment. I felt the same as I had the day I first came for an interview. But no now it was different. It was not deja vu. I gently knocked on the door, he invited me inside and I entered.
"Good evening," he said, despite having already seen one another that day.
It was evident that he did not want to talk about whatever it was, so he was very nervous. But this frightened me even more. What could make Stan nervous, if even drunken hooligans did not worry him?
“Today I called Lauren.”
I did not immediately understand who he was referring to.
“Lauren?”
And then I remembered. She was the director of my agency! It seemed I must have really detached from reality if I had forgotten such a detail.
"She will send her employee tomorrow. A nanny. She said that the woman is quite decent and experienced. And kind. I hope that she and Karina will get along. But you will need to introduce her to the way of working here, introduce them as well, and in general somehow try to establish their communication so that Karina does not feel uncomfortable. Although honestly, I hardly imagine a situation in which she will feel uncomfortable…”
I faltered, and the ground went from beneath my feet.
Was this how he had decided to tell me about my resignation? Just by asking me to "introduce the successor to how things are done"? Yeah! It appeared this man had charmed me if I had forgotten how harshly and resolutely he solved problems.
He was nice to his daughter only. He would do anything for her. But the fact that I witnessed those interactions did not mean that this was the way he would treat me too. How could I have forgotten that?
I frantically tried to think what the problem could be.
Was it the broken vase? But Karina was no more to blame than her furry red pet. She had not intended on it at all, it had been an accident.
The bruise under the eye of the boy from the playground? Again, it was not our fault. The boy himself had been hanging on the playground facilities. Karina merely passed by, but it was not her responsibility if men were already turning their necks in her direction and getting themselves into all sorts of extreme situations.
Or maybe… this thought came to my mind later than anything else and it was the most unpleasant of all. Maybe it was simply what had happened so many times before: the wife or girlfriend of the young, handsome father requested that they find a more serious and more experienced nanny. That is to say, one that was not so young and beautiful. ‘Honey’ could easily have said something like that.
Well. I still had my self-respect.
"Yes, of course, I will do everything," I said in a monotone.
"Excellent." Stan smiled so happily, as if he had just given me a birthday present. “So be ready before noon.”
So that's how it was! Before noon! He wanted me to leave as soon as possible.
Strangely, the news that he had found a substitute did not make me sad so much as the understanding that I had literally several hours left in this house. But I had already agreed to pass on my responsibilities. It would be foolish to start an argument about the fact that I had to do it before noon.
"Of course, ... As you say," I said, and added - "May I ask something?"
“What?” Stan was surprised.
"What did I do wrong?"
"You?" He looked at me very seriously, as if he were about to accuse me at least of stealing silverware, or even that we were two lessons behind with the French program. “You are doing everything superbly. But you hardly get any rest. You’ve even stopped going down to the kitchen to drink your tea. Therefore, tomorrow you have a day off.”
I sat down. Now that I understood everything, I could stop with the straight face.
"What did you think?" He looked at me with sincere misunderstanding.
"That you were firing me."
“Fire? If I had gone mad and decided to fire you, Karina would have never let me live with it! How could you think that?”
I wanted to tell him that anyone would think this way when they were told that there would be a new employee, but I decided not to reply.
“Thank you so much. In fact, I'm not at all tired. But if you insist, I'll take advantage of the weekend and enjoy it as much as I can.”
Stan nodded in agreement.
I was about to leave the office when he said:
“Alex... I heard that you have a day off tomorrow... Have you already planned anything for the evening?”
Chapter 18
According to Stan's plan, the new nanny had to arrive early to ensure Karina would be preoccupied, and I would have time to get ready. Because, after all, going to the theater is a responsible business. This was not a movie, where you could just pull on jeans and a T-shirt and go, a huge bucket of popcorn securely protecting you from wandering eyes.
The theater is a completely different thing. I was fond of it back in school. It was not like a movie. In a movie you understood: here you are, and there is the action. But in the theater a miracle happens right before your eyes. In general, everything is serious, and much more time is needed to get ready. Time that of course, I didn’t have.
As soon as Karina found out the reason for the switch of nannies, she became very enthusiastic.
“Do you have a date with daddy? That's cool! First, we will go through all of your dresses - we must choose the best one. And lipstick! The lipstick should be bright. And hair! Hair is the most important thing about a woman! I'll do it for you!”
I wanted to explain that this was not a date at all, but the last statement about my hair completely knoc
ked me out. Of course, Stan would appreciate the hairdressing abilities of his daughter and probably even praise her, but people next to me with such a work of art on my head, would no doubt feel somewhat uncomfortable.
“You know, Karina, dear, let's do it this way: let's choose a dress together. But the hairdresser will do my hair, especially since I have already made an appointment at the salon.”
“I want to go to the salon as well! And I also want a haircut!” She declared. But then, after thinking, she added, "No, you know, I'll go next time. And this time is yours. You have a date.”
“This is not a date!” the substitute Alain, a nice woman of about thirty, looked at me with reproach. Her eyes were nearly crying aloud that she would not have gone to any theater with the father of her pupil for all the world.
I would also not go with any other father of any other pupil. But it was very difficult to argue with this father. Especially when you did not want to argue at all.
"And put on these red beads. They suit your eyes a lot!”
Chapter 19
I had not been to the theater for a while. And in a theatre like this – never in my life! It was huge, decorated with crystal chandeliers. All the people around me were dressed up. I checked the names in the program – and wow, it was simply breathtaking! It seemed like a dream come true. Yes, yes, it was a dream, because this would never happen in reality. Well, let the dream continue. I would try to enjoy it as much as possible. After all, every Cinderella should live through at least a tiny piece of a fairytale...
“Is something wrong?” Someone behind me whispered in my ear. His breath was hot on my neck, and I felt shivers running down my spine.
It seemed that Stan had misinterpreted my confusion. But if he did not stop breathing in my ear, then something would definitely go wrong….
"It's all right," I smiled.
Perhaps, it was too good to be true. This evening was too special. Stan looked at me in a peculiar way when we met. It was as if he was seeing me for the first time. In a sense, it was like that. It was one thing to see me in jeans and a T-shirt, always running somewhere. And quite another when I appeared in high heels and a long flowing dress with a slightly open shoulder. You couldn’t say that the dress was too revealing as women standing all around had on far more revealing garments. But when Stan looked at me with his intense gaze, I had to check whether I was still wearing it at all. Maybe something was wrong? And his look made the pit of my stomach drop… so strange...
We sat in soft armchairs and the magic began. This was a play where it was difficult to understand who was right, who was wrong. I laughed a lot, but I also felt sad. It was as if I saw someone else’s life sweep by me without a trace.
At the very end, when the actors bowed and the audience gave them a standing ovation, I even cried a little. Not because I felt sad but because inside I was feeling so insanely happy from this absolutely unthinkable, delightful evening. We left the theater, but this incredible feeling remained. And it seemed impossible to just go home and return to routine.
“Do you want to take a walk?” Asked Stan.
I nodded silently, although, maybe it was not worth it. It was alright to go to the theater, there was nothing intimate about that. Watching a play with somebody is simply more satisfying because you can then discuss it afterward and share your impressions. Taking a walk together though...
I did not have time to think about it. Stan took me by the elbow and said,
“We are going to the river. It's very beautiful there.”
"Even more beautiful than in our garden?" I smiled.
Did he really think that I had never been to the river? Wait! Did I just say ‘our’? No-no. Here I was. Did my boss really only need to stop being so cold and morose, and for his daughter to become attached to me, for me to start thinking such stupid things? What did I just say? Yes, the garden was beautiful, for sure, but it was not ‘ours’! I needed to collect myself, but my mind was already engaging with such dangerous thoughts.
The evening was so nice. I resolved to question myself later. Now I would just enjoy myself. Stan did not appear to have noticed my mistake.
“Of course not. Our garden is the most beautiful” he laughed.
***
In a way, you could say that I had not seen the embankment before. Or more precisely, I had not seen it like this – with the setting sun gently and warmly illuminating the river’s surface, and the fresh air making you shiver. I stopped trying to memorize every detail of that delightful moment. A beautiful city, dark waves with a pink glow and the best man in the world behind me. And I did not care if it was just one moment. I did't even care if it was a dream. I just wanted to enjoy it.
I did not want to talk. As if any word could destroy the magical and fragile atmosphere of this moment. I did not know how long we stood there, living only in our minds. We did not feel awkward. And we did not need to fill the silence. There was nothing better than just standing together like that.
And then in one second everything changed. Large, strong arms wrapped around my waist, hot lips pressed against my bare shoulder and... And that was all. The world froze, stopped completely, as if someone in the sky had pressed a ‘stop’ button. All sound died away, all color was gone, and I stopped breathing as if I had forgotten how to do it... This was only because I could feel his hot, strong arms on my waist, his wet lips on my shoulder, and the shivers running along my whole body. My body did not want to listen to me; I could not move an inch. Everything seemed surreal, and time just stopped. I could hear the thumping of my heart, faster and faster, pushing hot blood into my frozen veins. My head spun, and my knees felt weak. The air was suddenly cold, and my skin covered with goosebumps. I swallowed convulsively and pulled away…
Chapter 20
This was without a doubt the most difficult step in my life. And yet I made it. One step forward. Desperate, sharp, with my legs wobbling. But I escaped from the prison of warm hands and even found the strength to turn around and look Stan in the eyes. But this was where my strength deserted me. It was not necessary to look, but I looked. His gaze – greedy, hot, masculine, instantly swept the ground out from under my feet. It was impossible to look into those black eyes and think. And resist. My personal death.
"Alex..." he said hoarsely and took my hand in his.
That voice – deep, low, slightly rough – was tranquilizing. I did not want to change anything anymore. I wanted time to really stop. To stop so I’d forever be in that moment. So that he would always hold my hand that way and burn me with his eyes.
But there was to be no ‘forever’, only ‘for three months’. More precisely, ‘for two months and some days’. Then the girl would board the plane and fly away to her mother, prettier after her operation. Lauren would find me a new family with a new hooligan offspring... And the ‘darling’ would breathe a sigh of relief. Work, transactions, contracts... This was only while the circle of his interests temporarily included puzzles, carousels and full-length cartoons in 3D. But that would not be forever. And Stan would easily forget me...
But I... I would be unlikely to forget it. And the closer I let it come, the more unbearable it would be for me, in the near future without it...
Therefore, I gently took my hand out of his large comfortable palm, almost moaning from the unbearable sense of loss. And I smiled and said, trying to keep my voice steady,
“Stan, I'm sorry if I involuntarily gave an impression, that I... but... professional ethics do not allow me…”
God, what kind of nonsense was I talking about? Oh, if I had at least a drop of hope... I would send all those ethics far away.
He took me in a hug, so again there was no air to breathe. He kissed me in my hair, whispering something in my ear, but his breath was so hot that I could hardly catch the words, melting and dissolving in this whisper without a trace.
"So, you're fired. From this very minute.”
Of course. That was easy. He went ahead to get any
toy he wanted with enviable tenacity, despite obstacles and objections. It was familiar. Karina was trying to get a pony the same way.
But I’m no pony.
“You forgot. You cannot fire me. Karina would not forgive you for that..." I said steadily, stubbornly freeing myself from his embrace, knowing full well that I had not convinced him.
I had not even convinced myself.
His hands were around me again, his cheek burned, and I realized that if he kissed me, I would surrender. I just couldn't stand it and surrendered to the mercy of the winner. There were two Alexandras. One – sane and reasonable, firmly knowing what she wanted and how to properly behave. And the second – a frivolous idiot who lived one day, since tomorrow may not happen, and therefore she must have everything at once. And the second absolutely did not care that the first would have to put the pieces back together after it all fell apart in ‘two months and some days’.
Therefore, it was necessary to urgently collect any remnants of pride, shut the second Alexandra up and give the microphone to the first one. But I spoiled everything.
“Stan! You put me in a very difficult position.” I slumped in his hands and looked at him pleadingly. "Please, don’t ..."
He froze for a moment, put his hands away and, stepping back, said in a dull voice,
“Excuse me. I misunderstood things. Let's go home.”
There was no more heat in his voice. And his eyes were not full of fire, but with ashes. The habitual indifference of the stone wall. That was good. The first Alexandra saved the situation, which was getting out of control.
All the way home we drove in silence. Now the silence was different. Tense, heavy, like before a thunderstorm. We would survive. I had done the right thing. And I could be proud of myself. But it was impossible to be proud, and I felt very ill.
Chapter 21
When I went up to my room, I threw off my dress and shoes, pulled the hairpins out of my hair, stepped into a warm shower and closed my eyes, as if trying to wash away any traces of the night's incident. The dress, with the bare shoulder, would remind me of everything that had happened... My shoulder was still burning from his kiss. And I could still feel how secure I had felt in his strong arms. But I had to stop. It would also remind me of what did not happen.
