by Irene Bolton
It was easy to wash off the makeup, but what could I do with torturous memories and fantasies? They couldn’t be erased or wiped off so easily. I tossed and turned in bed, and the only thing that came to my mind was what would have happened had I not pushed him away. If I’d let myself know him better, know the taste of his lips, how it felt to be with him.
My imagination began to draw pictures, each one worse than the last. Stan carrying me in his arms to his room, my dress slipping to the ground. Stan kissing me again, again and again. I dissolve into him, no thoughts remaining.
Why stop there? If my imagination was already running rampant, I may as well continue. So, in the morning or in the middle of the night, I quickly scamper to my room to avoid being seen.
The next day, whenever I see Stan, I hide my eyes. It feels awkward. And after a day or two I again find myself in the same bedroom. Or, maybe even the next day. There is no need to wait so long.
Of course, with time, we lose caution, and Karina finds out that we are close to each other. That balance and mutual understanding I have with her, which I had managed to build with such difficulty, falls apart overnight. She will never see us, but I know she will sense something. She is damn clever!
But even if she doesn’t…
The next picture I imagined: I am packing my stuff and leaving the house when the contract is over.
Scrolling the movie to the end in that way, I began to calm down. I had done everything right. And with this thought, I fell asleep.
***
In the morning, when I went to wake up Karina, I was already calm, but she was in a foul mood.
“Well, what do you want to start with, English or French?” I asked with exaggerated enthusiasm.
I always tried to put her favorite classes first. And then, once she was in the rhythm, do the rest.
"Nothing," she muttered. "I do not want to do anything. I’d rather blow something up or break something.”
"What’s happened to you?" I shook my head doubtfully. "Of course, we can blow something up, but I'm afraid your dad will not like it."
"He will not know about it," Karina said angrily. "He has left us alone, gone on a business trip for a whole week. He promised to call frequently though.”
So that's what had happened. Well yes, he should have warned his daughter of such things in advance. Karina could have mentally prepared herself and it wouldn’t have struck her so hard.
So, he had gone, without a word to me. For some reason, I became insanely offended, as if I really had the right to take offense at something.
"You know what I think," I said to Karina, "we are not going to blow up anything."
"So, I thought," she said, disappointed.
"But we won’t have English and French either, and no physics with mathematics."
Karina looked at me with increasing interest.
"Then what are we going to do?"
“Nothing, this is going to be our lazy day, we will only do what we want. And we will not do what we have to do.”
"So, for instance, we will not clean our teeth tonight?" She asked enthusiastically.
It was a serious question.
"In fact, hygiene is very important,” I said after giving it a thought. “If we do not clean the bacteria, we will feel bad the next morning, I am sure.”
Karina went back to her disappointed expression. I was not able to scare her with the nasty bacteria. It did not work.
“But, Lazy Day is a lazy day. You have to sacrifice something …”
“Teeth?” Asked Karina. As always, she made a point. And then it dawned on me,
“Ok, we will not have to clean our teeth. Only if in the evening we really want to do it, then of course we will clean them. But if not…”
“Then?”
“We will help each other. I will brush your teeth, and you will clean mine.”
“That works” Karina agreed.
It seemed that the announcement of Lazy Day had somewhat improved her mood. But my mood, alas, could not be improved that easily. It was still very dark indeed.
Chapter 22
Everything felt very wrong without Stan. The mansion was still majestic, the garden beautiful, and the sun bright. But now it was perceived differently. I did not wait for confident steps in the corridor; my heart did not stop when someone from outside opened the door to the classroom.
Only three days had passed, but it seemed like weeks and months.
I couldn’t say I was bored though. I simply had no time to be bored. Karina, missing her father’s company, focused her energy on endless tricks. The cockroaches started to jump out from every corner and every plate, pyramids were built out of toys and in the middle of the green lawn there now was a ‘treasury’ – a big hole, dug with a pink toy shovel. I had to run all over the mansion, trying to keep up with my ward. By the end of the day I felt tired as hell.
But now in the evenings, I could drink my calming tea without the risk of encountering someone who could embarrass me. And of course, I used this opportunity. After putting the girl to bed, I went down to the kitchen with a book in hand. But the bad luck: tea, too, had become somehow wrong. It no longer brought such pleasure. There was a feeling that Stan, on the road, had hidden in his suitcase some magical ingredient, without which even tea was not the same.
Is it worth saying that I had not advanced with my reading? As soon as I opened the book, the lines began to dance, and my thoughts were carried back to the embankment. And it seemed that the microwave was to ring in just a minute, and the smell of food would spread all through the kitchen. A voice that had become somehow too familiar would ask: "How was your day? What has my vampire done today?” And I'd answer, and Stan would laugh...
However, this was already impossible. That evening had erased the easy feeling we had while talking. And if Stan appeared at the door at that very moment, there would be no conversations or laughter – just a tense silence.
Perhaps when he returned, we would have to explain ourselves. And it scared me. Although I really wanted to see his eyes, to hear his voice and even feel his lips on mine...
I was lost in my feelings and desires. I dreamed of meeting him as soon as possible, but at the same time, of never seeing him again. And I was worried that the situation would not be resolved soon.
Stan would return in a few days. And for now, I could only drink tea.
I took a sip and again tried to plunge into the book. The page became covered with the usual ripples, as if the lines were set in order to prevent it from revealing all the vicissitudes of its plot. Instead of words on the pages I saw the silhouette of the hero of another, still unwritten novel.
Here he picks up a little girl in his arms; here he enters the kitchen, half-naked and warm; here he’s giving a rebuff to a rowdy man in a café; here he hugs me like no one has ever hugged...
I could lie to myself as much as I liked and try to hide from myself any uncomfortable truth. But it stood in front of me cruel and plain. I no longer needed to protect myself from falling in love. Everything had already happened. I had already become attached to my boss with all my heart. So, it would be very difficult to leave...
The door almost noiselessly opened, and a large, warm hand lay gently on my shoulder. Still not turning my head, I knew exactly who was behind my back. My heart began to tremble, the tips of the fingers trembled, and the fragrance emanating from the cup became as strong and tasty as a few days ago.
Chapter 23
I turned around, and I both could and could not believe my eyes. Yes, it was him. It would be appropriate at that moment to politely say hello, ask how the business trip had gone or do something else that a nanny would normally do in such a situation.
But apparently my thoughts and feelings at that time were still under the influence of the sweet dreams I had indulged in while alone. And I, instead of doing what a normal nanny should do, smiled enthusiastically and exclaimed,
“It cannot be you!” I believed
all my feelings and thoughts were written on my face. In any case, Stan seemed to have read them with ease.
"It can," he said in a hoarse voice.
And in the next instant he proved to me that he was quite a real presence in the room. Stan covered my lips with his own, kissing me passionately, demandingly. As if we had both desperately been waiting for this moment in his absence. Reality ceased to exist, and every sensation spun in a dangerous whirlpool. It was impossible to gather my thoughts. My mind had stopped thinking; I could not feel anything, except for him.
It was impossible to stop this. Never before had kisses been so exhilarating. My head was spinning so fast and I could not feel my feet, which made me absolutely defenseless in front of him. I wanted to dissolve, surrender, perhaps even die, but not stop.
But I somehow found the strength to do it. I put my hands on his shoulders and tried to push him away. At first, I did it weakly, but as I gathered more confidence, I pushed harder. Finally, he backed away from me and looked at me trying to look into my eyes to understand why I was doing this.
I was afraid that my eyes would betray me and show how badly I wanted to continue kissing him, so I did not look at him. Instead, I bowed my head and asked, “Why do you need this?”
“In my opinion the answer is obvious,” Stan continued to search my face. And, although I still did not dare to look up, I could feel it with every part of my body.
“What about your ‘darling’?” I asked quietly.
I had to gather all my courage to ask that question. Explanations with men were clearly not my cup of tea. With Stan it was even more difficult.
“My ‘darling’?" It seemed to me that the surprise in his voice was completely sincere. "What are you talking about?"
I was getting angry. Why didn’t he understand me? Possibly because I called this lady his ‘darling’. For him, she was a girl with a name and even a position. He really could not understand who I was talking about.
Stupid... I did not want to continue this conversation. And yet it was necessary to understand everything right here and right now. Of course, I could not tell him off. But he also had absolutely no right to seek a romantic relationship when he was not free.
“That girl, with the black hair. I heard your conversation when I came here the first day. I did not mean to eavesdrop... It was just loud. She called you ‘honey’ and ‘Stanny’, which means…”
"Oh, she refers to everybody like that.” Laughed Stan. “I take it you mean Sanne?"
I shrugged. Actually, she never introduced herself. Even when we’d had that brief talk.
"Well,” continued Stan, in a happier tone. “Sanne plays with all men in this way, regardless of their age and position in society. And I mean it – everyone, without any exceptions. She does not make exceptions, even for ministers. But her father is an important man, so no one really minds it...”
“Don’t lie!” I exclaimed indignantly. My voice sounded frightening.
Stan looked at me in surprise and a familiar coldness appeared in his voice,
“I am not lying. Why do you think so?”
Well, of course! As if I could be deceived by this. So, he was not going to admit it, was he?
Disgusting! I stood up abruptly from my chair.
“I’ll tell you why. That girl came here, and we had a talk. She warned me that if I approach "her man”, she will “deal with me". "Her man"! Or are all men on earth “her men”?”
For some reason, I felt ashamed. Although it must be Stan who was feeling shame. After all, he was trying to deceive both his girlfriend and me. But he seemed to feel quite different. At least the long groan that followed my story did not sound as if it were made out of guilt.
“Yeah... Sanne is nice but dangerous.” He was half-joking, and it gave me courage. If he began to adamantly convince me that there was nothing between this woman and him, I would blush and feel awkward. Or run away. But, he did not, so I looked into his eyes.
And I understood everything. Awkwardness in the eyes, tightly compressed lips... Maybe Sanne calls ministers ‘darling’, but certainly with Stan she was much closer than with all her other ‘darling’ men.
“It was a long time ago and not real. There is nothing between us now.”
Hence, everything was true. Well, at least he admitted it. I moved away, as it was unbearable to sit so close to him.
“How long ago? Last week? Last month? Or yesterday?” I could not stop. Tears of resentment were ready to splash out of my eyes.
“At school. In high school. And I really do not know what suddenly happened to her...” For a moment a hint of understanding flashed through his eyes. “Maybe she got angry because of the contract? I refused to work with a company full of her ‘honeys’ and she…”
I believed him. So readily. If he were lying, he would not be able to come up with such a thing. He looked at me and my heart began beating much faster. His cheeks were flushed, and his eyes were filled with desire.
He came closer to me, and I could not bear to take a step back. My legs seemed to be glued to the floor. I wanted to say something else. But I did not get a chance. Our lips again met, and his tongue was already sweeping over mine as if trying to study every inch of my mouth. I no longer had any reason to push this man away. And even if I had, I physically could not anymore.
He hugged me closer. I felt his hand on my back. Caressing, it descended down along my spine. Each touch seemed to awaken millions of nerve endings, and it felt different from everything I had experienced before. Everything was swirling around, as if we were sailing on a small boat in the middle of a raging ocean. It took me some time to realize that we had already left the kitchen and were now approaching the stairs.
One step, one kiss. We stopped and continued. My head was spinning, as if I was in a centrifuge. I did not care if anybody saw us. Let them watch. Whoever it may be: a worker, a neighbor, a mayor, a president, I did not care. Yes, let the whole world watch. If only the stairs did not end. Let them be as high as the Statue of Liberty. Or something even higher. I do not want it to end. Kissing him was so sweet, and felt so right, as if I was born for it. I did not care what he used to do, who he used to be. All that mattered was the feeling of those strong hands on my back and his strong chest beneath my fingers. I felt so secure, I knew that nothing could happen to me. He was my wall. My favorite stone wall.
Our kissing deepened with each step. He was shaking with his desire. I was feeling the same way. My heart was beating so hard that I could hardly hear his shallow breaths through the pounding in my ears. My clothes felt too tight. His clothes became an obstacle and the stairs were now too long. I did not want to wait any more. It had been too long. I tore his shirt off and he growled as I ran my hand over his bare skin. He was my man, my wall…
All tenderness was gone. And the staircase had ended, for me. He suddenly grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder as if I was his prey and he was carrying me to his cave. And, honestly, I wanted nothing more than to feel his lips on my body, for him to taste me. He could not wait any longer either. He ran up the stairs, flew into his room and closed the door with his leg.
Chapter 24
I slid down his strong body, slipping through the strong hands that embraced me. I wanted to feel him with my whole body: my hands, feet, lips. I pressed myself closer to him, shocked by the amazing sensations. Every curve of our bodies fit perfectly together. It was as if we had been created for each other. His short, hot, hard breaths burned my skin. He bent down and slowly, unbearably slowly, kissed my lips.
"Ahh..."
The kiss lasted infinitely long. I dissolved into it, trembling and melting from my barely restrained passion, suddenly learning that happiness could be so huge, excessive, unbearable. I began to cry and the wet, salty tears mingled with our kiss. I could feel his hands everywhere and it was almost unbearable in its pleasure. I needed nothing else. I only needed him, right there and right then.
He squeezed my body with
his hands, searched it hungrily as I arched my back to press myself even closer to him. He could do anything he wanted, with his strong man's hands, large palms and long beautiful fingers. It was so good, and I felt so great that I did not want to object. I did not want to think. I heard how he tore my clothes into pieces, and I finally felt free. I pressed up against his hot, wet skin; there was nothing better. I only felt agonizing pleasure.
We could not stand waiting any longer. Our movements quickened. The whole world disappeared before us. It was only him and I, nothing more. Only the smell of his body remained, the feeling of his skin against mine and his shallow, hot breaths against my neck. We were united, our hearts beating in a single rhythm; nothing could make us closer.
It was morning when we finally fell on the pillows without any strength left. Then I felt a surge of belated fear. What would happen now? What were we going to do with our stupidity? How would we continue?
But one thing I knew for sure: I would never regret that night. The second voice in my head had been right.
I wanted to say something, but I was not sure what. Stan, as if reading my thoughts, started talking. Shivers ran down my spine when I heard his words.
"By the way, you're fired."
“Just like that?” I rolled over on my stomach and looked into the eyes of this impossible man. Oh, why did I do that... I completely forgot that I lose myself in them.
"Exactly... What did you expect?"
What was he talking about? Ah, yes, I remembered.
“Don’t you have to explain the reasons?” I rubbed my cheek against his shoulder. It was so smooth, so nice to touch. I decided to made the most of the moment.
