The Undercover Mother_A laugh-out-loud romantic comedy about love, friendship and parenting

by Emma Robinson

  ‘No, no,’ said Jenny, hurriedly. ‘Not the private ones, just the stuff we talk about when we’re together as a group. General stuff. And no one knows who you are – I’ve given you all pseudonyms to protect your identities.’

  ‘Yes, we heard,’ said Antonia, dryly. ‘The Spice Mums. How nice.’

  ‘I just used the names. It seemed to… fit.’ Jenny mumbled the last part and looked down. When she raised her eyes, they met Gail’s angry-looking ones.

  ‘And I’m scary, am I?’

  Jenny almost squeaked. ‘No, not scary, just…’ She flailed around for an appropriate word. ‘Firm?’

  Gail harrumphed and crossed her arms.

  ‘I think I’ve found it.’ Naomi was thumbing her mobile phone screen. She read aloud from one of the earlier posts. ‘As her baby feeds more often than a giant panda, Sporty’s milk ducts must be working twenty-four-hour shifts….’ She looked up at Jenny. ‘Is that me?’ She sounded hurt.

  ‘I know it sounds bad.’ Jenny winced. ‘But I had to make it funny. It needed to be entertaining and humorous. Because I needed to get as many readers as possible, I changed things a bit, exaggerated things you did or said. Made them sound more outlandish. You’ve got to understand, this is my job.’

  ‘That’s what Jeremy Kyle probably says to the contestants on that awful programme, right before he makes them look like human freaks in front of the entire nation.’ Gail still looked annoyed.

  ‘Are you even legally allowed to do this without our permission?’ Antonia asked. Jenny swallowed. Surely Antonia wouldn’t try to sue her? Dan had warned her about writing about a lawyer’s wife.

  ‘There’s a disclaimer, and I haven’t used any real names. It’s not even really about you. You just give me ideas for topics.’ This wasn’t going well.

  Naomi read aloud from her screen. ‘At Posh’s house the other day, we were looking at each other’s babies, trying to see who they looked like.’ She looked up, accusingly. ‘That actually happened.’

  Antonia looked a little bit sick. ‘What exactly did you write about that?’

  Naomi passed her mobile over. ‘It’s all here. Read it for yourself.’

  As Antonia read, Gail took over the interrogation. ‘So, all this time, you’ve been merely grooming us? I know we haven’t been friends long but, really, you felt no loyalty at all?’

  Jenny was a gnat’s winkle away from asking Gail how she had the audacity to talk about loyalty, but instead she took a deep breath and started again. ‘That’s the point I’ve been trying to make. At the beginning, I only joined the group for material for a column, but now—’ she looked at them ‘—now I have begun to be fond of you all. I was going to tell you all about it this weekend. I was just waiting for the right time.’

  Antonia waved Naomi’s mobile at Gail. ‘Do you want to take a look?’ Gail took it and flicked quickly through the screen. ‘To be honest, it’s not that bad.’

  ‘That’s what I’ve been trying to tell y—’

  Antonia held up a finger and cut Jenny off. ‘That’s not to say I don’t think you should have told us.’

  ‘I agree.’ Gail passed the mobile back to Naomi. ‘But there’s nothing incriminating in there.’ She looked levelly at Jenny. ‘And I’m assuming there won’t be.’

  Jenny shook her head vehemently, not wanting to be cut off again if she opened her mouth.

  ‘But I sound like a nutcase!’ said Naomi. ‘It sounds like you hate me, Jenny.’

  ‘No, no! I admit, your character is hugely exaggerated – I actually based a lot of it on another mum I met.’ She prayed silently that Naomi wouldn’t ask her who. ‘Sporty is actually nothing like you now.’ In a lot of ways, that was true. Naomi didn’t irritate her half as often these days. Not now Jenny knew her better.

  Gail sighed. ‘I think I’m done. Shall we just go back? We still need to find Ruth.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Antonia. ‘I think I’ve had enough revelations for one evening, too.’

  Whilst sighing with relief that she hadn’t been tarred and feathered, Antonia’s words struck a new fear into Jenny. In terms of revelations, Antonia was unknowingly heading for a rather gigantic one.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  The Boy managed to crawl a short distance last week. This was in response to a huge amount of encouragement, enthusiastic hand-clapping and, okay, I’ll admit it, the dangling of a chocolate bar in front of his face. Since then, he seems to be completely over the concept of moving altogether.

  It won’t surprise you that Baby Sporty has been crawling for well over a month. If there was a baby triathlon (rolling, crawling, walking?) that child would win it. It’s hardly surprising when you look at her genes: as well as joining a Buggy Bootcamp group about a week after giving birth, Sporty wears a frickin’ Fitbit to the play centres so that she can measure how many padded ladders she’s climbed and slides she’s slid down.

  It’s going to be interesting when we spend the weekend without the babies in tow. If she wants to start powerwalking everywhere, I might just find myself a nice wine bar and watch her through the window…

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  The streets were much busier on the walk home than when they’d arrived: the bars belching people out into the streets and the nightclubs eating them up again. Young, attractive men and women called from the foyers of the neon-lit fronts, inviting people in. Jenny couldn’t help but notice that their invitations were a lot more earnest for the young girls behind them than they were for the four of them.

  They made their way out to the seafront and started to leave the noise behind. The last ten minutes had been spent listening to Naomi spill her feelings about John, the prospect of another baby, and her life in general.

  ‘Well, you know my opinion – I don’t think you should stay in a situation when you’re unhappy.’ Gail was her usual frank self. ‘You only get one chance at life. You need to decide what is going to be best for you, Naomi.’

  ‘I don’t recall her actually asking for your opinion,’ said Antonia, stiffly, ‘and it’s not as easy as that. They have a child together.’ She turned to Naomi. ‘You need to think what it will be like bringing up Daisy on your own, Naomi. I know that I couldn’t do it.’

  ‘What, even with a full team of staff?’ murmured Gail. Jenny dug her in the side. She understood where Gail’s bitterness was coming from, but was hoping to avoid her dishing the dirt until they were back on home soil and Jenny could have nothing to do with it. Thankfully, Antonia didn’t seem to have heard Gail over the noise of a stag party going past, and Naomi’s sniffing.

  ‘John is a really nice man. He has been wonderful about everything. And I do love him.’ Naomi blew her nose noisily. ‘I can’t go on like this, but I really don’t want to do anything to hurt him. Or his family.’

  ‘You’re not raising a child with his family,’ warned Gail. ‘This is about you and him, and sometimes being in love with someone is not enough. Anyway, how do you know he doesn’t feel the same way? He might be trying to do the right thing as much as you are. Would he have asked you to move in with him if you hadn’t been about to have a baby?’

  Naomi started to cry again. Jenny put an arm around her, giving Gail a warning look. ‘We can see that he loves you, Naomi. Look how supportive he was at the classes. Everyone could see how much he cared.’

  Naomi wiped her eyes. ‘But maybe Gail is right. Maybe he’s just looking after me for Daisy’s sake.’

  Antonia signalled her boredom with a huge sigh. ‘You’re going to need to talk to him, darling. You need to tell him how you feel. I’m sure it will all work itself out. Tell him to get his mother to keep her beak out and you will be as right as rain.’ Gail made a scoffing noise. This time, Antonia did hear her. ‘Sorry, Gail. Did you have something you wanted to add?’

  Gail shrugged her shoulders. ‘Just seems ironic, you of all people advising someone to meet a problem head-on, and get it resolved.’
/>   Antonia’s eyebrows seemed to go even higher. ‘Maybe not as ironic as the single mother giving relationship advice.’

  Gail looked as if she might explode. Naomi took a sharp intake of breath. Jenny changed the subject. ‘I think we need to try Ruth’s number again… I’m really getting worried about her. Gail, could you call her, please?’

  Gail punched the front of her phone screen like she was programming a virtual voodoo doll – and the death stare she’d given Antonia made it clear who she was imagining it to be. She held the phone to her ear for a few seconds. ‘Still no answer. It’s going directly to voicemail.’

  ‘It’s all my fault.’ Naomi started to grizzle again. ‘I’m dreading facing Ruth.’

  Everything was coming to a head. Jenny picked up the pace. All she wanted to do was confirm that Ruth was safely back at the house and then get to bed.

  * * *

  When they got back to the house, however, and Gail had checked the bedroom she was sharing with Ruth, she reported that, no, she was not back yet. Naomi went straight to bed after the others promised her that they would wake her if Ruth didn’t return soon. Jenny was relieved to get rid of her. There were only so many times you could say, ‘There, there,’ before it started to get on your wick. Exhausted, she sank down into one of the comfortable armchairs and checked her mobile again.

  ‘I’m going to send Ruth another text. I know the phone reception is patchy down here, but she must have got one of them.’ She felt bad being irritated with Ruth, but she really wanted to go to bed herself. Ruth’s reaction to Naomi had surprised her. Of course, Jenny had expected her to be upset at the ease with which Naomi managed to fall pregnant when she wasn’t even happy about it, but throwing a glass of wine over her was rather over the top. She tapped her foot as she typed, ‘Are you okay?’ for the fifth time.

  The only person who didn’t seem concerned at all was Antonia. Jenny could hear her humming to herself in the kitchen. Gail, on the other hand, had a face like thunder. Antonia’s mood might be about to change.

  Antonia came back into the lounge to join them with an open bottle of wine and three glasses. ‘Fancy a glass whilst we wait, ladies?’

  In the circumstances, Jenny definitely didn’t want to stay up with the two of them, but she couldn’t possibly go to bed until they’d heard from Ruth. Might as well have another glass.

  ‘I will.’ Gail’s tone was decisive.

  Was she building up to tell Antonia everything? It wouldn’t be surprising after Antonia’s bitchy ‘single mother’ comment on the way home. Should Jenny leave? Was there time?

  Gail stood behind the chair in which Jenny was sitting, her hands on the back of it. ‘Antonia, I need to speak to you.’

  Too late.

  Antonia held up a hand and walked slowly to a chaise longue that was under the window, almost draping herself on it, like a heroine from a Fitzgerald novel. ‘Hang on, darling. I need to be sitting down with a glass of wine in my hand when you tell me that you’ve been sleeping with my husband.’

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Before having The Boy, I was adamant that I would never let the baby sleep with us. I was almost sanctimonious in my declaration that our bed was for us and that it would be damaging to our relationship to have a baby in between us. Clearly, I had no concept of the fact that exhaustion, breast pads and the aroma of poo would be such an effective anti-Viagra that the baby in between us would be merely a formality.

  Affairs are surprisingly common in the first couple of years after a new baby. Posh says her mum advised her quite clearly that it was important that she remember to keep her husband happy, too.

  I’ve employed a much better tactic: Mr Baby does just enough of the night-time getting-up to ensure that he’s too tired to even remember a chat-up line…

  From ‘The Undercover Mother’

  * * *

  Jenny was speechless for the second time that evening. How did Antonia know? She tried to dart an ‘I didn’t tell her’ look at Gail. Gail blinked twice but didn’t lose her composure. She looked directly at Antonia. ‘How long have you known?’

  ‘I had my suspicions from the moment you walked into that antenatal class. It didn’t take a genius to decode the look on Geoff’s face. That’s one of my husband’s amusing qualities – he thinks that he’s the king of espionage, when actually he’s as transparent as a small boy.’ She sipped her wine. ‘I told myself I had imagined things. But when you failed to produce even so much as a picture of the elusive “Joe”, I had to face up to it.’

  Jenny’s mind was going crazy. She had thought Gail was the Queen of Cover Up, but now Antonia, too? Ignoring her plan to stay out of it, she asked, ‘But why didn’t you—’

  ‘Say anything? Who to? Him? You? The other girls? The leader of the group? “By the way, Sally, you can put one less chair out tomorrow as I think my husband might be the father of that woman’s little bastard.”’

  Gail flinched. ‘Don’t you dare say anything about Jake.’

  Antonia put her hand up. ‘Okay, I take it back. It’s not his fault. Must be hard for you to look at him sometimes, seeing as he’s the image of Geoff.’

  Jenny surreptitiously scrolled through the photos on her mobile to find the last group shot of all the babies together. It was true! Jake looked exactly like Geoff. Why had she never noticed before? There was no way she could slink off to bed now; this was too dramatic to miss. She had assumed that Gail would be the one with the jaw-dropping news. Antonia was supposed to be shocked, hurt, angry and bitter. Not just sit there, serenely sipping her wine as if they were all on a lunch date.

  Gail seemed to have the same thought. ‘How can you be so calm? Your husband has fathered another child and has attempted to keep it from you all this time.’

  Antonia laughed. ‘Attempted to keep it from me? I’m afraid that’s not true. He told me about you our first day at antenatal class.’

  Gail almost staggered backwards, sinking down onto the sofa. ‘You’re lying.’

  Antonia shook her head. ‘We had a huge row the whole way home in the car. When we got back, it was worse. I was screaming at him and he actually got quite distressed because he was worried my frantic state might hurt the baby.’ She smiled sarcastically. ‘Jessica is the one female he seems to actually care about hurting.’

  ‘What did he tell you?’

  ‘That the two of you had only slept together a few times, but you’d got pregnant. He also said he wasn’t planning to have anything to do with the baby except financially, and that he had no intention of ever seeing you again.’

  ‘And you believed him?’

  Antonia snorted. ‘Of course not. But once he had told me, I could feel sorry for you. Geoff was going nowhere.’

  Gail put her arms around herself. She looked very cold. Jenny wouldn’t have expected to feel sympathy for an ‘other woman’, but Gail looked so lonely sitting in the middle of that vast settee. Vulnerable, even.

  Antonia was studying Gail, as if reading her thoughts. Was she even telling the truth? What did she know for sure, and what was she hoping to trick out of Gail?

  ‘Did you get pregnant to make him stay?’

  Gail shook her head. ‘No. Did you?’

  Antonia laughed. ‘No. I think the universe was having a bit of fun with the both of us.’

  Gail stood up, walked towards the fireplace and, leaning against it for support, turned to face Antonia. ‘You seem pretty confident that he won’t leave you.’

  Antonia shrugged. ‘He never has before.’ Antonia appeared to be positively enjoying herself, torturing Gail slowly. She didn’t even look angry. ‘Surely you didn’t think you were the first?’

  ‘Or the last, obviously, if the nanny’s knickers are anything to go by.’ Gail bit back.

  Antonia wrinkled her nose. ‘Hmm. A little fib, I’m afraid. I thought you needed to be angry to get you to stick your head out of your shell. Seems you took the bait rather easily. I feel a little bit guilty, d
ragging poor Emily into it. Never mind, I’ll make it up to her with a nice Christmas bonus.’

  Gail’s arms were poker-straight by her sides; she clenched and unclenched her fists. She was used to being in control, Jenny thought, manipulating conversations and situations as she chose. ‘So he hasn’t been sleeping with someone else?’

  ‘I didn’t say that.’ Antonia took another sip of wine. ‘I just said he hasn’t slept with the nanny.’

  Gail took a deep breath. ‘I’m not sure that this conversation is going anywhere. I’m going to bed.’

  Antonia pulled a mock-sad face. ‘Oh. Giving up so soon? I thought you’d have a bit more fight in you. I was looking forward to a more heated discussion.’

  Gail bristled. ‘There is no point in a “fight”, as you put it. I’ve never fought over a man in my life and I’m not about to start now. I have no idea whether you are lying or telling the truth, but my life is fine, with or without Geoff. If he chooses to join Jake and me, and I think he will, then he is very welcome. By the way, when Jessica comes to visit at our house, I will be very kind to her.’ She smiled at Antonia with a saccharine sweetness.

  Antonia blanched at that and her eyes narrowed. ‘You really think he’s going to leave me, don’t you?’ She sank further down into the chair, as if she were deflating. ‘He won’t ever leave me.’

  ‘I don’t know how you can know that.’ Gail moved towards her, almost circling her prey. ‘Marriages break up every day. Why are you so sure that yours won’t?’

  Antonia looked up at her. ‘Because Geoff has a plan for his life, and being divorced is not part of that plan.’

  Gail smiled grimly. ‘Plans change.’

  Antonia got up to get the wine. ‘Not Geoff’s.’ She held the bottle towards Gail, offering her a drink, but Gail shook her head. Pouring another large glass for herself, Antonia passed the bottle to Jenny and then sat down again, nodding at the sofa opposite. ‘Why don’t you sit down?’