by D. Breeze
I tried to focus on the words of the tutor, really I did, but my body a mass of nerves and excitement. I was acutely aware of his breathing, his note-taking, the annoying way he tapped his pen on the desk when he was listening, all of it. It was like my body was just in-tune with his.
Half way through the two-hour class, I was getting irritated.
I was uncomfortable, my ponytail was too tight and my bum was numb from sitting so still for an hour. I kept fidgeting and he noticed. His eye-brows knit together and he leaned to the side to ask if I was ok. I wasn’t, obviously, but I still nodded, hoping he’d move back. He didn’t.
He stayed where he was, sitting so close to me that our knees were touching and I could smell his shampoo. I inhaled, his smell was almost intoxicating, like subtle, sweet aftershave and soap. I held my breath, hoping he wouldn’t notice me sniffing him, and I was...sniffing him.
I gave up on trying to concentrate towards the end of the class, I hadn’t taken anything in anyway so I figured the last twenty minutes would be no different. I reached up to pull my ponytail out and let my hair hang loose, thought I may as well relax a bit. I shook my head, letting my hair fall around my shoulders, then ran my fingers across my head and sighed with pleasure. I heard Jamie’s breathing hitch, so turned to look at him.
I couldn’t decipher the look on his face, he almost looked like he was in pain, so I glanced down to make sure I hadn’t accidentally put my chair leg on his foot or something. I hadn’t.
I didn’t know what was wrong with him, and I didn’t get chance to find out. He shook his head and reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone. His whole body straightened and his face blanked. When his eyes met mine, they were wet with unshed tears.
“He’s awake.”
Chapter Eight
Reality
I didn’t know why I was there. But alas, there I was, again. Sitting next to Jamie, stroking my hand back and forth over his as he sat next to his brother’s bed and listened to Harvey’s steady breathing.
I actually don’t really know how I got there, one moment I’m sitting in class, the next I’m in the car and we’re on the way to the hospital. I didn’t even blink when he got up and dragged me out of class, barely giving me enough time to grab my belongings. I just followed along behind him, knowing, somehow, that he needed me there.
I’d never done anything so brazen as to assume what it is that someone else needs, but that feeling of being in-tune with him? It went into overdrive.
So there I sat, silently offering my support. Harvey had apparently woken up for about ten minutes earlier, but since we’d arrived, he’d been asleep. We’d only been there about an hour, but sitting in utter silence, it felt like forever. I would have waited that long though, not for Harvey, for Jamie.
Nurses had bustled in and out, checking things, pushing buttons on machines. I had no idea what they were for, but then, I’m not exactly ‘in the know’ with all those medical things.
Cheryl and Mr Travis sat on the opposite side of the bed. Cheryl looking every bit the doting mother, stroking Harvey’s forehead and whispering loving words, Mr Travis on the other hand...not so much. He looked like he may as well have been watching paint dry. He glanced at his watch again, and sighed.
I felt Jamie’s fingers spasm underneath mine and I looked at him. He was watching his dad too, and he did not look happy. In fact, he looked disgusted. Good. So he should have been. He schooled his features before speaking.
“Somewhere else you need to be?” he asked, almost innocently, as if he was genuinely curious. He really was a good actor.
He dad looked up at him, probably shocked that anyone had spoken. He shook his head, but said, “I was supposed to be on a conference call over half an hour a go. I’m going to lose business over...”
He didn’t finish his sentence, but he made it blindingly obvious what he meant by loosely waving his hand in Harvey’s direction. Honestly? What sort of father would actually rather be ‘on a conference call’, than sitting by his seriously injured son’s bedside? I couldn’t help but wrinkle my nose at him.
He was a horrible person, I didn’t understand it.
It’s hypocritical I know, to be judging him, when my own mother was, well...less than maternal, to say the least. But I was quickly realising just how mentally ill she was and I was going to help her. I truly believed that she just didn’t know what she was doing. Mr Travis on the other hand, he was just a bad man, and I didn’t like him.
Jamie was shaking, I didn’t know why. Rage? Maybe. I wouldn’t have been surprised. What did surprise me however, was the fact that he said nothing. Not a word. Nor did Cheryl. They both just turned their eyes away from him and back to Harvey.
They weren’t going to say anything? Not even show how wrong his behaviour was?
I had no idea what so ever why they allowed him to get away with that. If I was part of his family, I’d have told him long ago what a disgusting father he was, how he didn’t deserve a family if that’s how he was going to treat them...
My brain halted and I almost laughed out loud at my own thoughts. I was lying to myself; of course I wouldn’t have said anything. I was meek and pathetic. I couldn’t even stand up for myself against Candace or Braden, there was no way I’d take on someone like Mr Travis. He’d eat me alive, probably literally.
Everyone fell back into silence. I licked my lips, trying to moisten them, but failing because I was so thirsty. I stood, up and rooted around in my bag for some money. I found enough to buy a couple of drinks so I asked if anyone wanted anything, they all shook their heads, Cheryl saying, “No, thank you Rhianne” in her soft, motherly tone.
I adored it.
I left the room and breathed a sigh of relief. The tension in that place could be cut with a knife. Whatever was going on in that family, it wasn’t good. How did Jamie end up so utterly wonderful with a father like that? I wondered, as I walked the corridors, looking for a vending machine. I didn’t have to wonder for long. I knew the answer. Cheryl. She was so perfect. She was everything I could ever want in a mother, hell, she’d probably put most normal mothers to shame.
From the way she looked and the way she dressed, to the way she spoke and the way she loved her boys. She was amazing. She grew her own vegetables and salad, she made home-cooked meals every night, she did the garden, cleaned the house...and all of it with a smile on her face. I saw the sadness in her eyes, but it hadn’t taken me long to decide that it wasn’t her life that made her sad, it was her husband. In that instant, I hated him even more.
Grabbing a couple of bottles of pop from the vending machine, I headed back to the room. I’d bought the extra one, because regardless of what Jamie said, or rather, didn’t say – I knew he’d want one. I walked into Harvey’s room and it was still silent, shocker. So I slumped down in my seat, handed one bottle to Jamie, and opened the other. His lips twitched when I handed the bottle over and his eyes flicked to me. I knew what he was thinking, he hadn’t answered, but I’d done what I thought was best for him anyway. Always the good girl.
I took a sip of my drink and felt the bubbles run down my throat, I almost sighed. Then I took a second sip.
“Can I have a swig?” The voice sounded so loud in the small room and I jumped, choking on my drink in the process. I spat lemonade all over the floor and tried to suck in a breath. Jamie’s hand whacked me on the back a few times and I was finally able to breathe. I looked back up and Harvey was looking at me weirdly. I frowned. I soon realised I was staring at him, with lemonade...and a fair bit of saliva, running down my chin. I could feel my cheeks heating with embarrassment.
Oh, my, gosh, I spat lemonade all over the floor, and on Harvey’s bed, then sat back with spit on my face! It was utterly mortifying. I wiped my chin on the back of my sleeve and sat back, trying to subtly hide my face behind my hand.
Everyone seemed to ignore my outburst after that, and focused on Harvey. Apart from looking battered and bruised, he just, looked fine. As far as
I was concerned, he looked like he’d been in a decent fight...a fist fight, not a fight with a tree and a car. And you definitely wouldn’t know that he’d been in a coma for nearly three days. It was the weirdest thing.
Then again, I suppose he was young and healthy, people recover quicker then I guess.
Watching the whole family interact was a lesson for me. The banter between the brothers made me want to laugh, the timid smile on Cheryl’s face warmed my heart and even the obvious detachment coming from Mr Travis couldn’t dampen the mood in the room. No one, not even Jamie, had acknowledged me in a good ten minutes but I didn’t care. I had almost begun to feel comfortable, when Harvey went and opened his mouth.
“What’s she doing here anyway?” he asked, with a flick of his head in my direction.
I immediately blushed and lowered my head to stare at the creases in my jeans. Jamie’s fingers wrapped around mine and I revelled in the comfort he was providing, but I still wanted to leave. Even the way he asked the question held hostility.
Jamie sighed. “She’s part of the reason we even saved you, so please don’t speak like she’s not there. You owe her your life.”
“I thought I heard you say that you were the one who found me?”
“I did, but only because Ree came to the door, she’d been...” He broke off and looked to me for help. My muscles relaxed, releasing the tension that had built. I wasn’t used to lying, but to get out of this question, I had to.
“I was just, erm...jogging. Yeah, I was jogging and I saw you speed past and well, I thought it looked dangerous, so I ran home and asked Jamie to go find you, to make sure you didn’t hurt yourself...turns out that it’s a good thing I did.”
I was almost certain that none of them believed me, but they actually accepted my answer.
“So you were worried about me, and you just happened to be in the same place as me...Are you some sort of stalker?”
I gasped. He’d just been told that I was part of the reason he was even alive, and he accused me of being a stalker. I didn’t even give anyone a chance to react to Harvey’s stupid question, I scowled at him and shook my head, then left the room.
I didn’t want him thinking I was there for him. I know I should have defended myself, or at least told him he was way off base, but it just wasn’t worth the effort. He’d think what he wanted anyway. Guys like that always do.
“Ree, wait!”
“Jamie, I’m not staying in there. I don’t deserve that and I don’t want to stay around it.” I stood my ground. I was not going back in there.
“No, I know, I’m sorry. You know what he can be like. Give me ten minutes and I’ll drive you home”
“No thank you. I need the walk anyway. I’ll just...I’ll see you around.” I cursed my voice for breaking but I turned, and I ran.
If half the members of his family hated me to the point that they would openly admit it, then there was no way I could be friends with Jamie. My heart couldn’t cope with it. My mind was made up, once our assignment was done, I was going to be done with him too.
Chapter Nine
Mine
I was proud of myself, I’d made it two whole weeks without having to see or speak to Jamie. Two whole weeks, during which I became a virtual recluse. I went to college, I didn’t even look up, I kept my eyes completely focused on my own shoes and I went home. I spent every evening tirelessly working on our psychology assignment and I’d finished it.
I honestly had come to believe that I’d managed to remove myself from society again. Hidden away in my little safety bubble at home, I thought my life was returning to normal and my short friendship with Jamie was just life’s way of royally screwing with me.
That’s right. You heard me. I said ‘screwing’. I said it because I was mad at everyone and everything, including myself.
I hadn’t even spoken to my mother in two weeks, not once. Not when I was starving and we didn’t have any food, or money. Not when the electric went off and we didn’t have any of that either, I didn’t waste any time going to put more on the card though. Mother would go insane without the TV working. Not even when she screamed at me because ‘the toaster’ had burnt her toast. It wasn’t the toaster; she just stared at the wall for eight minutes and didn’t check it.
Want to know how I know it was eight minutes? I counted them.
That’s what my life had become.
As if it wasn’t bad enough before, it seemed worse, purely because I’d had a taste of what normal could be like. I cursed Jamie for doing it to me, he made me believe I could have someone like him in my life. I couldn’t.
One conversation with my mother had really worried me though. I was in the kitchen washing dishes when she approached.
“Rhianne, I’d like a word.”
“Yes, mother?” I sighed.
“I’d like to tell you that I’m very proud of you for handling this Jamie situation like a rational adult. I knew you’d come around to my way of thinking and cut yourself off again. You are doing the right thing, I’m certain of it. You don’t belong out there in that world and I’ve decided that you should quit college too. It’s unnecessary for you to continue, when you’re not going to be able to live in their world when you finish anyway. I think it’s a waste of time and money and I’d like you to put some serious consideration into leaving. You’re only requirements in life are all here. That place does not need you.”
I stared at her. She must have lost her mind if she thought I was going to give up the one thing I enjoyed doing. It was never going to happen.
She took my silence for a few seconds and then shrugged. “It’s just something I’d like you to think about. It really is the best thing for you.”
But then she seemed to revert back into herself straight after and she never mentioned it again, so I didn’t worry, maybe I should have.
~*~*~*~*~
College actually seemed to get worse too, the teasing and tormenting had increased, ten-fold. I had lost count of the amount of times I’d been stopped in the hallways or the library, someone – usually Candace or Braden had to let me know how hilarious they had found it that Jamie wasn’t having anything to do with me.
I never did correct them.
There would have been no point in telling them that I was avoiding him, it just would have been another excuse for them to tell me what a freak I was, as if I didn’t already know that.
Part of me wanted to stand up for myself, tell them to leave me alone, but I knew that would just have brought extra attention to me that I didn’t need.
There wasn’t one time worse than any others, nothing stood out, but all of it hurt more than it should have. It became twice as hard to ignore their comments when I believed every word they said.
I knew that Jamie was looking for me, he’d called my name numerous times when he’d caught sight of me, but I’d turned tail and ran. I would never be able to hold my ground if he actually spoke to me. I definitely was not strong enough for that.
Unfortunately (or fortunately), however you want to look at it – Jamie didn’t allow me to continue. He showed up at my house on night fourteen and proved to me all over again, why he was the boy of my dreams.
My phone buzzed a few times on the opposite side of the room, but I ignored it - as always. No point in checking it, I knew who it was. I gazed up at the ceiling, not thinking, not seeing, not even really breathing. Just being. There was nothing left of me. Moments later I heard someone banging on the front door.
Not knocking...banging.
I jumped from the bed and made a beeline for the stairs.
I stared in horror as my mother shuffled towards the door and swung it open. Jamie stood there, looking dishevelled and, well, if I’m honest, he looked pissed off too. He didn’t even acknowledge my mother, his eyes met mine almost immediately and he barged past her, heading straight for me.
His arms closed around my shoulders and he squeezed me against his chest. I was barely able to breathe, but
I didn’t care. I would have gladly taken my last breath for that hug. No, it wasn’t a hug, it was more than that, it was the end of my fight. I couldn’t do it anymore, I admitted it, to the world, to myself, I needed him in my life.
“Where the hell have you been?” He asked, speaking into my hair.
“We don’t say ‘hell’ in this house, young man” my mother informed him.
He ignored her. I loved him even more.
“Where have you been?” He asked again. I just stared up at him with my lips parted. The intensity in his gaze caused a shudder to run through me.
“I...erm...” Nothing. I had nothing. I tried to come up with an excuse, a reason, something good enough as to why I’d been avoiding him...and I had nothing. I couldn’t tell him the truth, that I loved him too much to cause trouble between him and his family. He’d think I’d lost my mind.
“Whatever it is that you’re about to say, forget it. I can already see your brain working. It’s a simple question, so don’t bother trying to lie to me. You’re like an open book.” I swallowed. Oh, shoot. I opened my mouth to blurt out the truth, when I remembered my mother was still stood there, arms crossed over her unsupported chest, glaring at us. I grabbed Jamie’s hand, mutter a quick ‘back later’ to my mother, and pulled him out of the house.
I didn’t want him there.
The stark contrast between someone as beautiful and wonderful as Jamie, and the sheer ugliness that was my home, was too much of a reminder of why exactly he shouldn’t be around me.
Jamie tried to stop me outside the front door but I was on a mission. I dragged him behind the houses and marched towards what I had aptly named ‘our tree’ in the fields. I stopped quickly, causing him to stumble into the back of me. I righted my footing and turned to face him. He was close. Really close. Close enough that I could feel the heat of his breath on my face and I inhaled. Weird, I know that, but around him, my body just reacted. I wanted to savour everything about him. Yes, even his smell.
Without thinking, I spoke. “I can’t see you anymore. I want to, really I do, but I just can’t.” I ignored his body freezing and eyes narrowing in warning, I just continued. “You just don’t seem to understand what’s going on around us. Everyone is judging you! Everyone is whispering and staring and, wow Jamie, even your own family had openly asked what the heck you are doing hanging around with me and you still don’t seem to get it. You don’t need to be dragged down by this! You’re better than this, better than me, and I just, I can’t be responsible for the gossip. I don’t want to be. I won’t be responsible for causing issues between you and your brother. Deny it all you want, but I know he isn’t happy about me being around. That’s fine, I can understand it. So, I’m doing the right thing, like I always do. Always the good girl. And right now, the right thing is to walk away. Just let you go back to ignoring me like everyone else does, it’s good, well, it’s not good, but it’s life. It’s my life and it’s what I know. I’m nobody, nothing, and you’re not like that, you can go and be somebody...”
