The Day That Aliens (Nearly) Ate Our Brains

by Tom McLaughlin

“BRING YOUR MATES AND BRING YOUR DINNER!”

  the British prime minister cried back. “Let’s do this, Queensbury Rules what-what!” Then he rolled up his sleeves and put on a preposterous boxing pose by trotting forwards and backwards like a horse.

  “Can someone be holding the jacket please?” Marc said, taking it off carefully. “Now, does one actually need to the ripping off the shirt, or can I take it off normally like I do when I go to sleepy bedtime? It’s just it was a present from my mother for my birthday last week.”

  “Oh, happy birthday,” the prime minister smiled back.

  “Oh, thank you,” Marc replied.

  “You need to rip it, it’s a show of strength and defiance,” Vladimir chipped in.

  “AAAAAARRRGH!”

  Marc suddenly yelled. The French President, thinking this was some British custom, joined in with the screaming. Marc, thinking that he needed to translate the French President, started screaming even louder. Before long the French President and Marc were trapped in what can only be described as a scream-off.

  “EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP!!!!!”

  Freddy yelled. “What on earth are you doing? Can we, for the last time, try to get on, and even more importantly, try to keep our clothes on?”

  “My boy is right,” Freddy’s mum said in a quiet but firm tone. “I don’t mind Freddy having mates over but I will not tolerate this level of nonsense. Now, either you behave or I’ll have to call your mums and dads and ask them to come and collect you and there will be no more playtime for anyone.”

  “Sorry, Freddy’s mum,” everyone replied in unison.

  “Now, I believe this nice young lady was going to say something,” Freddy’s mum said, pointing at President Jones. “She’s the only one playing nicely; you could all learn a lesson or two from her.”

  “Thank you, Freddy’s mum. Now I think we all owe her a big thank you. She’s given us tea and biscuits and brought out the games for us. So what do we all say?” President Jones said, egging everyone on with her eyes.

  “Thank you,” came the monotonous but grateful reply.

  “So yes, as I was saying, perhaps the best thing we can do is be nice to each other. Maybe Alan will see it and leave us be, but more importantly, we need to be nice to each other because it’s the right thing to do. Freddy, Sal, is there any way we can set up a webcam? I’ve got an idea.”

  Five minutes later, Freddy and Sal had a laptop rigged up – admittedly it was touch-and-go as to whether Freddy’s mum could remember where she’d put the WiFi password, but once she’d tracked it down, they were good to go.

  “Are we on? Can everyone hear me?” the President of America said, looking into the laptop camera. Sal gave her the thumbs up. “Good. My fellow Americans, Brits, in fact my fellow humans, welcome and thank you for listening to me.

  “I know there’s a lot of scared people out there. I know the last few hours have been terrifying, and I know that the next few are going to be as well. But if this is to be our last few hours on this planet together, let’s not fight and steal from each other, let’s do what we humans do best. Show compassion for each other, love each other.

  “Let’s show the rest of the universe what we are: a brave people who achieve great things when we work together. So, stop stealing, stop rioting, stop doing wrong and start doing right for one last time. If this is the end, then let’s go down with dignity. It seems that our weapons can’t stop them, all it would do is prolong the agony. I’m sorry, there is nothing more that can be done.”

  The world seemed to stop for a few moments, letting the President’s words sink in. Slowly, and rather embarrassingly, things returned to normal. Fires were put out, shoplifting reverends returned their ill-gotten gains, and people started being nice to each other. Perhaps it’s only when you’re about to lose everything you have that you finally appreciate what you’ve got.

  “Listen, West,” Captain McGill started, “I’m sorry for what I said about Sal. He’s a good kid, and yes, he might think that fish can talk, but he isn’t a bad lad.” McGill went in to shake Sergeant West’s hand, but he was having none of it and gave McGill a big hug instead.

  “Thank you, Captain. I’ve always looked up to you. You’re the best boss I’ve ever had – I just want to squeeze you.”

  came a strange sound from McGill’s not inconsiderable bottom.

  “Now, you see what you’ve done now, West, is you’ve squeezed me so hard, a little bubble of gas has come out of my bottom.”

  “Should I let go?” Sergeant West asked, nervously.

  “I think if you do, even more will escape. I need not remind you, this is a very small room and there are a lot of important people in here. Not to mention the fact…”

  “It was a very big pasty?” Sergeant West asked.

  “Exactly. I think we’re better off staying like this; don’t let go. Please don’t let go of me, West,” McGill pleaded.

  Over in the other corner of the room, Freddy and Sal looked on intensely.

  “Is your uncle slow-dancing with the Captain?”

  “I’m not sure. I hope not – for one thing, there’s no music – but these are strange times, Freddy,” Sal said. “Hey, I wonder who won the wrestling?”

  “I completely forgot about that,” Freddy chuckled to himself.

  “Well, it’s been a funny day,” Sal sighed.

  “You don’t seem scared,” Freddy said.

  “I am, I mean, no one wants their brain to be eaten do they? Especially by someone called Alan. But you know, I’ve had some good times on this planet, some real good laughs. We both have.” Sal smiled at Freddy. “Nothing lasts for ever I guess, we just have to make sure that we have the best time in the short time we’re around. Well, I’ve done that, because of you Freddy.”

  “Nah, it’s because of you,” Freddy replied, grinning.

  President Jones wandered over to the window, pulled back the curtain and looked up at the sky. The light had already started to fade and the stars were beginning to twinkle.

  “I used to think my street was the dullest place in the universe,” Freddy said, gazing up at the stars.

  “Well not any more; now it’s the most famous street in the world,” the President said, staring at it.

  “Yeah, but not in a good way.” Freddy puffed his cheeks out. “I mean, who wants to be remembered as the place that started an invasion of brain-eating aliens from outer space? I’d prefer ‘best kept roundabout in England’ if I’m honest.”

  “You’re not responsible for this.” The President patted him on the shoulder. “If it wasn’t you, then it would have been someone else.”

  “I dunno, maybe if I’d said something different, we wouldn’t be in this mess.” Freddy shook his head.

  “Rubbish!” Sal interrupted. “We didn’t ask for this. No one’s to blame for a bully’s behaviour other than the bully.”

  “Sal’s right,” Vladimir agreed. “I realize I have been a bully too. I would like to say sorry and assure you that from now on, no matter how complicated things get, I promise to keep my clothes on.”

  “The world thanks you,” Freddy smiled.

  “Madam President, we’ve been tracking an object entering out solar system,” one of the President’s advisors told her. “It’s moving too quickly to be a satellite – it must be them.”

  “Where is it?” Freddy asked.

  “A few hundred miles away. It’s heading straight for us. If you look out of the window, you should be able to see it any moment.”

  For a second, no one moved. Then the rest of the room bolted to the window.

  “I don’t see anything,” Sal’s uncle said, his nose pressed against the glass.

  “Look, there!” Freddy said, his eyes fixed above a fast food restaurant in the distance.

  “Wow, it looks beautiful,” Sergeant West said. “I could really go for a cheeseburger right now.”

  “No, not the burger place, above it!”

  “Oh yeahhh�
�” they all muttered under their breath.

  “I always fancied going into space,” Freddy said to no one in particular.

  “It’s amazing,” Vladimir said, smiling.

  “You’ve been up there?” Sal asked, surprised.

  “Yeah, years ago. Before I was the coolest President Russia ever had, I was a cosmonaut. I flew a rocket up there. We said it was a science mission, but it was really to check if America had actually made it to the moon like they said.” Vlad gazed up at the stars, as if he was homesick for his previous life.

  “And had they?” asked the Brazilian leader.

  “Yeah, it was really annoying,” the Russian President chuckled.

  “What’s it like?” President Jones asked him, as if they were two old friends meeting after a long time.

  “Amazing. You feel little and insignificant, but in a good way. It makes you realize that we’re not a collection of different people, but we’re all one really. Sad thing is that when you land, you hear the noise, all the shouting, all the anger – it sort of sweeps you up again and you get sucked into your old way of life. And before you know it, you’re ripping your clothes off at the drop of a hat. That’s chilly work in Russia you know.” He paused, pointing at the sky. “Look!”

  There, a tiny twinkle that looked like a shooting star sailed towards earth. It looked amazing, beautiful even. Except it was only coming for one thing: to destroy them all.

  “How long before they arrive?” President Jones asked.

  “We estimate within the hour,” Vladimir said, speaking on his phone to experts back in Russia.

  “What should we do?” Freddy said.

  “Shall I put the kettle on?” Freddy’s mum suggested.

  “Well, it’s kind of you to give them something to wash down our brains with, but no Mum, I say probably don’t make them tea.”

  “What about…?”

  “No coffee either,” Freddy snapped.

  “Let’s not get bogged down with tea and brains,” the American President interrupted. “The fact is that we can’t stay here. Even if this is the end, I’m not going to give up and let them eat—let them walk all over us. While there’s still time we should go out there and say something; even if it does no good, we have to keep trying.”

  “She’s right,” Freddy agreed. “Come on everyone, let’s go.”

  “Uh, nobody’s going anywhere until this room’s tidied up – there’s games everywhere. I don’t know who’s been playing marbles, but it’s a death-trap. Now, there’s going to be no end of the world until we’ve tidied up!” Freddy’s dad yelled.

  “Ohhh…” everyone moaned.

  “None of that ‘oh Dad’ nonsense, let’s just get on with it. There’ll be a prize for who tidies the quickest.”

  “Dad, we’re not kids, we’re not going to fall for that old trick, turning everything into a competition.”

  “Really?” Dad said, smiling. Freddy turned around.

  “Bet I can put the robot away before you can tidy up the train set!” President Jones cried.

  “Oh yeah, and what if you don’t?” Vladimir said, grinning.

  “We’ll give you Alaska back!” She chuckled.

  “It’s on, like Donkey Kong,” Vladimir laughed.

  “I take it back,” Freddy muttered.

  Not long later, everyone left Freddy’s now-tidy room and headed downstairs to the front door.

  “Well I never wanted Alaska anyway,” Vladimir huffed.

  “Before we go out,” Freddy said, “I just want to say thank you. Thank you for doing what you could to try to stop this. I also wanted to say sorry. Sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused. I know, I know you’ve said it’s not my fault, but it was me, I was the one who made contact. And although we’re about to get our brains eaten, maybe if there’s one thing we can take from this it’s that we did all learn to get along. Nobody’s perfect, we’re all just human. Maybe today of all days that’s something to celebrate.”

  “Nice one son,” Freddy’s dad said before patting him on the shoulder. Freddy took a deep breath again and opened the door.

  There was a huge crowd of cameras and news reporters, the odd furious lollipop lady, as well as every television station in the world. Some were carrying banners telling the aliens to go home – well they were using ruder words than that, but as this is a children’s story I couldn’t possibly repeat them. There were even people dressed up as aliens to welcome them – clearly trying to get on their good side and hopefully avoid getting their brains eaten.

  The noise was almost unbearable. Everyone had something to say, or rather shout. Reporters yelled, hurling questions like snowballs at the various presidents and prime ministers.

  President Jones tried to quieten the crowds down. She grabbed a microphone and started to speak into it.

  “I hope you can all hear me,” she said. The crowds stopped cheering or shouting (frankly it was hard to tell the difference). “People of the world, over the past few hours we have seen the best of us and the worst of us. We have seen how much fight we have in us, we have also seen our kindness. This has been a very difficult day for us all, but it has taken a boy called Freddy to show us how to behave like grown-ups. He has shown us that despite our differences, we are the same, and while we have the capacity to hurt, we have far more kindness in us than maybe we realize. This may be the end, but I am proud of this planet and everyone on it. While there is breath in my body, I will try to persuade our attackers to change their mind. I will not give up!”

  Everyone went wild. It was a rallying cry that the whole world could get behind. Strangers hugged each other – it didn’t matter who they were, what they looked like – it was an outpouring of happiness.

  It seemed as if earth and the funny wobbly people who walked upon it were invincible.

  Suddenly, the noise died down as a bright light descended over the street. In the sky, the twinkle that Freddy and everyone else had seen from the window had turned into a mini ball of fire as the spacecraft entered the earth’s atmosphere. It was impossible to tell how big it was, or how far away it was. The crowds started to step back, and even the ones proclaiming to love the new alien killers were now running away. All the street lights went out, then the house lights too.

  “It must be to do with the electrical magnetism. It’s created a power surge and blown all the fuses,” Freddy muttered under his breath.

  “WHAT’S GOING ON?”

  McGill yelled out into the darkness.

  “It’s an electrical magnetic surge,” Sal said knowingly. “It must have caused all the fuses to blow out.”

  “I take it all back, West, your nephew is a clever lad,” McGill said, patting Sal’s uncle on the back.

  Just as the sky went black, there was a huge gust of wind – not from McGill this time, but from high above. Dust was whipped up into the air, and everyone covered their eyes and their mouths. It was like being in a sandstorm in the Sahara, only in Wolverhampton.

  Then after a few seconds, there was silence again as the wind dropped. No one could see anything except a bright light shining down from the heavens. Freddy suddenly felt his hands being grabbed; he looked over, it was Mum and Dad. He squeezed back. His heart was beating like a drum. Was this it, was this the end?

  It was hard to get any bearings; there was complete and utter darkness apart from a single beam of light and the sound of what Freddy presumed was the spaceship’s engines slowing down. The crowds hit the floor. Everyone was screaming. Even Vladimir looked scared and he never looked frightened. The dust swirled again, and billowed through the houses. Freddy clung to his mum and dad as fiercely as they clung to him.

  “I picked a helluva day to stop ripping my shirt off!” Vladimir howled.

  After a few moments, everyone got to their knees, using hankies and whatever they could find to cover their faces. Slowly but surely the dust and noise began to settle. The spaceship had landed.

  The President stepped forward, an
d at the top of her voice yelled towards it.

  “ALAN. WE ON EARTH ARE A FRIENDLY LOT … MOSTLY. IT’S NOT TOO LATE FOR US TO BE FRIENDS. PEACE IS BETTER THAN VIOLENCE. I KNOW YOU CRAVE OUR BRAINS, BUT MAYBE INSTEAD OF EATING THEM, YOU COULD USE THEM IN A DIFFERENT WAY. WE COULD SHARE THE KNOWLEDGE OF OUR TWO WORLDS. WE HAVE LOTS MORE NICE THINGS TO EAT DOWN HERE … CUSTARD FOR INSTANCE!”

  the President thought on her feet.

  “I’M PRETTY SURE IT’S NICER THAN BRAINS. ON BEHALF OF ALL EARTH, WE URGE YOU AS A PLANET TO CHOOSE THE VEGETARIAN OPTION!”

  “SILENCE, EARTH LADY PERSON, THE ONE THEY CALL MADAM PRESIDENT!”

  Alan’s voice boomed out of the spaceship.

  “YOU BORING BANTER IS MAKING ME TIRED IN THE HEAD. I AM HUNGRY AFTER MY LONG JOURNEY FROM THE ACROSS THE GALAXY. ALL ALAN WANT TO DO IS STRETCH HIS LEG PARTS, DO A BIG WEE AND EAT SOME DELICIOUS BRAINS THANK YOU PLEASE!”

  There was a whooshing sound as the door of the spaceship opened. Freddy could smell smoke pouring out of the craft, then a figure emerged from the dazzling light. Freddy could see an enormous alien shadow and what looked like the outline of a laser gun.

  “BRIAN, ARE YOU READY TO DO THE INVADING?”

  “YES OH GREAT ALAN, EATER OF THE BRAINS, RULER OF THE UNIVERSE, THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS.”

  “This is it!” Freddy winced in terror.

  There was the sound of footsteps, Freddy closed his eyes, as did everyone; not one person could bear to watch, like they were trying not to catch a teacher’s eye in case they got extra homework. Then, Alan began to speak again.

  “I SHALL EAT THE ONE CALLED FREDDY FIRST. NOW HAND OVER YOUR BRAIN,

  Freddy gulped. This was it, it was all over.

  He decided to face the enemy at last. If he was going to get his brains eaten, he wanted to at least look them in the eye. Freddy walked towards the dazzling light, shielding his face with his hands. After a few steps he put his hands down and opened his eye a crack.