The Healing

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  “I don’t mean to be overbearing,” she said sincerely. “I’m just concerned.”

  “I know your intentions are good, but I’m sure there’s nothing to be worried about where Samuel’s concerned. I think you ought to concentrate on keeping Dad happy.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “What do you mean? Has your daed told you he’s unhappy?”

  “No, no, of course not. I just meant that Dad should be your primary concern, not your grown children.”

  “Are you saying I shouldn’t be concerned about my kinner?”

  “I’m not saying that at all, but I think you worry too much.” Timothy wished they could start this conversation over. Every word he said seemed to make Mom more agitated.

  “I probably do worry too much,” she admitted, “but I can’t seem to help it. I just want what’s best for everyone.”

  “God doesn’t want us to worry, Mom. You’ve told all of your kinner that at one time or another.”

  “You’re right, I have, and I’ll try not to worry or interfere.” Mom gave Timothy a hug. “I love you, son.”

  “I love you, too.”

  She smiled and turned toward the door. “Guess I’d better head for home now, before your daed wakes up and misses me. If you talk to Samuel anytime soon, please don’t mention that I spoke to you about him working for that English woman,” she requested as she went out the door.

  “I won’t say a thing,” he called to her retreating form.

  As Timothy continued to heat his soup, he thought about his conversation with Mom and hoped she would be careful not to pester Samuel about working for the English woman. Samuel wore his emotions on his sleeve since Elsie died, and if Mom wasn’t careful, she might push him away. Could Mom’s constant pressuring be one of the reasons Samuel had moved to Kentucky, or was it simply because he needed a fresh start?

  Wish I could start over someplace new, Timothy thought. If Hannah wasn’t so dependent on her mother, I might think about moving to Kentucky, too.

  CHAPTER 12

  Pembroke, Kentucky

  Esther smiled to herself as she guided her horse and buggy down the road toward Titus’s house. It was the first Saturday in February, and she had plans to meet Suzanne and take Samuel’s kids sledding. Esther had enjoyed sledding since she was a girl and used to race her older brothers, James and Dan, down the hill behind their house. Besides, a day of sledding meant she wouldn’t have to be alone. It was quiet and lonely in the house since Mom and Dad had moved to Pennsylvania. She missed them both so much. At times she found herself wishing she’d moved there with them, but if she had, she wouldn’t have met Samuel’s children. Spending time with them had filled a void in her life that she hadn’t even realized was there. The children seemed to need her—especially since Samuel paid so little attention to them.

  Esther thought about the other day when she’d been holding Jared in her lap as she visited with Penny, who sat on the floor playing with her doll. Both children were equally sweet, each in a different way. Even though Jared could be a bit rambunctious at times, he always obeyed, as did Samuel’s other children. Esther had noticed that they weren’t nearly as obedient with their father, but maybe that was because he ignored them so much of the time. Could they be using their disobedience as a way to get his attention? She knew Samuel was still grieving over his wife’s death, but she wished he would wake up and realize all that he was missing by ignoring the children and being so harsh when he was with them.

  When Esther had seen Titus the other day, he’d agreed to go sledding with them and said he’d try to talk Samuel into joining them, too. From what she’d observed and what the children had told her, Samuel did nothing for fun. He was either working or sleeping. That meant when Titus got home from work each day, he not only had the responsibility of doing the cooking and cleaning, but he had to keep an eye on Samuel’s children. Esther wondered how things would be once Samuel had a place of his own.

  If he ever gets a place of his own, she thought. What if Samuel plans to stay with Titus indefinitely? Poor Suzanne might end up with a ready-made family. Would that mean she’d have to quit working with Titus and Nelson at the woodshop in order to care for the kinner, or will Samuel want me to continue caring for them?

  Esther’s horse snorted, pulling her thoughts aside. Ginger seemed to like the snow, prancing along with her head held high, blowing what looked like steam from her nostrils.

  It is beautiful, Esther thought as she noticed the trees along the road, heaving with snow, bending down to touch the glistening ground. Seeing the beauty God had created made Esther feel closer to Him.

  Ginger whinnied a greeting as they passed another horse and buggy, and Esther waved when she saw it was Ethan Zook, one of their minister’s sons. Ethan waved in response and tipped his hat in her direction. Apparently he’d left his buggy outside last night and hadn’t taken the time to clean the snow off this morning, for it was covered with white.

  Esther knew that some folks saw the snowflakes piling up into drifts across the road as a nuisance, but she saw the beauty in it. The frosty cold clung tightly to the earth now, but in another month spring would be here and all signs of snow would most likely be gone. Spring, she thought wistfully. Even in the oldest folks, it brings out a burst of youthful energy. I think just about everyone loves the feeling of freedom after being cooped up during the cold winter months.

  Lost in thought, Esther smiled at what spring would bring when it arrived in all its glory. She could almost hear the bubbling sounds as streams flowed from the melting snow and the birds singing joyfully as they migrated home. Oh how she welcomed spring’s unfolding splendor and the warmth in the breeze. But for now, she was content to enjoy the moment of this winter’s solace.

  Esther breathed in the scent of pine, heavier in the air from branches recently broken with the weight of ice and snow. Overhead, a hawk’s shrill cry was joined by the crows announcing their protest.

  When she pulled into Titus’s yard a short time later, she noticed Suzanne’s buggy parked outside the barn.

  She climbed down from her own buggy and was about to unhitch the horse when Titus stepped out of the barn. “I’ll put Ginger away for you,” he said, joining her beside the horse.

  “Danki.” She motioned to the back of the buggy. “I brought three sleds with me, so while you take care of my horse, I’ll get them out of the buggy. Oh, do you know if Suzanne brought any sleds we can use?”

  Titus shrugged. “I’m not sure. She’s in the house right now, helping the kinner get into their boots.”

  “Is Samuel going with us today?”

  Titus turned his hands palm up. “I don’t know. I asked, but he never said. You can ask him, too, if you like.”

  “I might do that.” Esther hurried to the back of the buggy, took out the sleds, and leaned them against the side of the barn. Then she trudged her way through the drifts up to the house.

  When she stepped inside, she was greeted by four exuberant children wearing boots, heavy jackets, stocking caps, and mittens. All except for Penny, who only wore one mitten.

  “I can’t find my fauschthensching,” Penny said, holding up her hand.

  Esther chuckled. “It’s right here.” She reached around behind the child and lifted the mitten that dangled down her back from under her hat.

  Penny squinted. “Now how’d that get there?”

  Everyone laughed. Everyone but Samuel, who sat slouched on the sofa, looking like he was half asleep.

  “Are you going sledding with us?” Esther asked.

  He shook his head.

  “What do you plan to do all day?” Titus asked when he entered the house.

  “Ich daed yuscht so lieb gear nix duh,” Samuel said.

  Esther looked at Suzanne and slowly shook her head. She couldn’t believe Samuel had said he would just as soon do nothing, when he could spend the morning having fun with his children. Was he really that depressed?

  “Please come with us, Da
adi,” Leon pleaded. “You never do nothin’ fun with us since Mammi died.”

  “Ich fiehl saddle schlect heit.” Samuel stood and ambled out of the room.

  Titus turned to Suzanne. “Since my bruder has just told the kids that he feels out of sorts, I think I’d better forget about sledding and stay home with him today.”

  “Oh.” Suzanne’s look of disappointment, as she dipped her head, was as clear as the sorrowful expression on Leon’s face. Esther’s heart ached for her friend. Suzanne had obviously counted on Titus joining them. Esther felt bad for Samuel’s children, too. Didn’t Samuel realize that going sledding with the children might lift his spirits? He’d never recover from his loss if he didn’t do anything fun. Esther remembered that after Suzanne’s dad died, their whole family grieved, but when her Grandpa suggested they all go fishing one afternoon, there had been a change in Suzanne’s mother, who seemed more positive about life after that, which in turn, caused everyone else in their family to become more joyous.

  “Sorry about the change of plans,” Titus said, looking sincerely at Suzanne, “but as long as Samuel’s still having bouts of depression, I wouldn’t feel right about leaving him here alone.”

  “I understand that, but I wish …” Suzanne’s voice trailed off, and then, turning away from Titus, she motioned toward the door. “Come on, kids; let’s go sledding.”

  Tap! Tap! Tap!

  “Samuel, can I come in?”

  Samuel rolled over on his side so that he faced the wall. He didn’t want to talk to Titus right now. He just wanted to be left alone.

  Tap! Tap! Tap!

  Samuel figured if he didn’t respond, the tapping would only continue. So he pulled himself to a sitting position and called, “Come in.”

  The door opened and Titus stepped into the room. “You know, you’re not doing yourself or the kinner any good by pulling away like you have,” he said, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

  “I’m not pulling away.”

  “Jah, you are. You won’t join the kinner in anything they do that’s fun, and—”

  Samuel leaped to his feet and started pacing. “I can’t do anything fun! I’m miserable without Elsie. Not that I’d expect you to understand.” He stopped pacing and whirled around to face Titus. “You’ve never lost a mate, and you have no idea how empty I feel without Elsie. The pain is unbearable. It’s like my heart has been torn in two.”

  “I know you’re hurting, and you’re right, I don’t understand, but Mom and Dad do. As you well know, they both lost their first mates, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for either of them.” Titus stepped up to Samuel and placed his hand on his shoulder. “Maybe someday, when the time is right, you’ll find someone else, the way our folks did.”

  White hot anger boiled in Samuel’s chest as he glared at his brother, hoping he would get the point. “I am never getting married again. Don’t you get it? No one could ever take Elsie’s place in my heart!”

  Titus blinked and held up his hand. “Of course not. You don’t have to get so riled. I just meant—”

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I need to be alone.” Samuel grabbed his jacket and stormed out of the room. “Why can’t everyone just leave me alone and quit telling me how I’m supposed to feel?” he mumbled under his breath.

  “Sorry I forgot to bring my sled,” Suzanne said as she and Esther trudged through the snow behind the children and Lucky, their exuberant Lab.

  “That’s okay. We can manage with the three I brought.” Esther smiled. “I think this is going to be a fun day for all of us, don’t you?”

  Suzanne exhaled, releasing a sigh. “I suppose.”

  “Are you disappointed because Titus didn’t come with us?”

  “Jah, but I understand why he felt the need to stay with his bruder.”

  “Do you think Samuel will ever get over his wife’s death?” Esther asked, knowing everyone dealt with grief in their own way, at their own pace.

  “I hope so, but I think it’ll take some time, just as it did for my mamm when my daed died. From what Titus has told me, Elsie was the love of Samuel’s life, and the two of them were really looking forward to having another child, so losing the boppli she carried made it that much harder for Samuel.”

  “I’m sure it did. I just hate to see him looking so sad.”

  “I know, but until he’s able to come to grips with his loss, there isn’t much any of us can do but pray for him and offer support.”

  They walked in silence for a while; then Esther said, “I don’t think Samuel likes me.”

  “How come?”

  “He doesn’t say much whenever I’m around, and when he does, he won’t look at me.”

  “Titus was like that with me when he first moved to Kentucky,” Suzanne said. “It really bothered me, too.”

  “But that was because you reminded him of his ex-girlfriend, Phoebe.”

  Suzanne nodded. “I was so relieved when he chose me over her.”

  “Have you heard anything about how she’s doing since she went back to Pennsylvania?”

  “From the few things Titus’s mamm has told him, I gather that Phoebe’s getting along pretty well and has even decided to join the church.”

  “Is she being courted by anyone there?”

  Suzanne shrugged. “I don’t think so, but I don’t know for sure. Titus doesn’t talk about her much anymore, and I’m glad. When Phoebe showed up here out of the blue, it was hard for me, and I felt insecure about my relationship with Titus.”

  “But things are okay between you now, aren’t they?”

  “For the moment, they are. If Samuel doesn’t mess them up, that is.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Samuel’s always around, and I miss not having the quality time Titus and I used to have together.” Suzanne bumped Esther’s arm with her elbow. “Speaking of Samuel, if you think he doesn’t like you, then maybe you should ask him why.”

  Esther shook her head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  “Samuel’s hard to figure out, and I don’t want to say or do anything that might make him angry at me. I enjoy watching the kinner and wouldn’t want to lose my job.”

  “I don’t think you have to worry about that. Samuel needs someone to watch them while he’s working, and since you’re so good with the kinner, he’d be foolish to let you go.”

  Esther was about to comment, when Penny stopped walking, turned toward Esther and Suzanne, and pointed upward. “Look there—some gens!”

  Esther leaned her head back. Sure enough, there was a flock of honking geese cutting across the sky. “Looks like spring can’t be too far off now.” She smiled. “They’re heading back north.”

  “And look over there.” Suzanne pointed to her left. A small doe pranced into the empty cornfield, now covered with snow.

  “Ach, how cute!” Penny watched the doe a minute, then she hurried on.

  After they’d gone a bit farther, Marla handed her sled rope to Leon and joined Esther and Suzanne. “I’m hopin’ I get a sled of my own for my gebottsdaag,” she said.

  “When is your birthday?” Esther asked.

  “I’ll be nine years old next Saturday. Daadi hasn’t said a thing about it, though, so I’ll bet he forgot.” Marla frowned deeply and scrunched up her nose. “He don’t remember much of anything anymore.”

  Esther gave the girl’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I’m sure he won’t forget something as important as your birthday.”

  Marla shrugged. “We’ll see.”

  As they continued on, Esther determined in her heart that she would do something special for Marla’s birthday. That way, if Samuel should forget, the child wouldn’t be quite so disappointed.

  “Since we only have three sleds, we’ll have to take turns,” Suzanne said when they came to the top of a hill that looked perfect for sledding.

  “Me first! Me first!” Leon shouted, hopping up and down. He rac
ed for one of the sleds and took off down the hill before Esther had a chance to respond. Barking and nipping at the back of the sled, Lucky followed.

  Marla grabbed another sled and went right behind him. “Look out, Leon—here I come!”

  “Penny’s kind of little to manage the sled by herself,” Esther said to Suzanne, “so maybe I should ride down the hill with her.”

  “That’s a good idea,” Suzanne agreed. “When one of the others gets back with their sled, I’ll take Jared for a ride with me.”

  Esther seated herself on the sled, situated Penny in front of her, and pushed off with her feet.

  “Whee … This is schpass!” Penny hollered.

  “Jah, it’s a whole lot of fun.” Esther giggled as they gathered speed and the snow sprayed back in their faces. The faster they went, the more she laughed, enjoying the memory of her youth when life was so simple and carefree.

  When they reached the bottom of the hill, Lucky was there, ready to slurp Penny’s cheek.

  Penny giggled as she turned her head. “Get away, Lucky! You’re gettin’ my face all wet.”

  Woof! Woof! The dog wagged his tail, and with one final slurp, he dashed up the hill behind the others.

  They went up and down the hill several more times, with Esther taking turns with Suzanne as they gave Penny and Jared rides on the sled.

  “I wanna ride by myself now.” Before anyone could stop her, Penny grabbed hold of the sled Marla had been using and took off down the hill in a flash. Lucky raced ahead of her, barking excitedly and zigzagging through the snow.

  “Penny, look out!” Esther shouted.

  It was too late. Lucky bumped the sled, and Penny screamed as her hat flew off. The sled flipped over, and Penny landed at the base of a tree with a horrible thud!

  CHAPTER 13

  Esther raced down the hill and dropped to her knees beside Penny, who was laying facedown in the snow. Lucky stood over her, whimpering.