Being

by Kevin Brooks

  His colleagues nodded.

  ‘Right,’ said Ryan, ‘you know what to do. Let’s do it.’

  Across the room, I saw Hayes take a hypodermic syringe from a metal case, and almost immediately I realized that Kelly was holding a syringe too. As he raised it to the light and tapped the barrel, Cooper grabbed me tightly round the chest, pinning my arms to my sides. I didn’t do anything for a moment, I just stood there, feeling the power of his arms. But when I looked over at Eddi and saw Ryan holding her down and Hayes leaning over her, preparing to stick the needle in her arm, I suddenly went berserk – screaming and yelling, trying to break free, kicking out at Cooper, stamping on his feet, hurling my head back at him… I did everything I could to break his grip, but he barely even flinched. He just stood there like a rock, his arms wrapped tightly round my chest, squeezing the life out of me. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t do anything.

  Over at the settee, Ryan had grabbed Eddi’s wrist now and Hayes had the tip of the needle pressed against her arm. As I yelled out desperately again – ‘No!’ – Eddi’s head suddenly lurched forward and she heaved, as if she was going to be sick. Hayes instinctively jerked away from her, but Ryan barely moved. As Eddi gulped and heaved again, Ryan kept hold of her and looked coolly at Hayes.

  ‘Do it,’ he told her.

  ‘She’s going to throw up,’ Hayes said.

  ‘Just do it.’

  Eddi was pale now, her face dripping with sweat. ‘Oh, God…’ she groaned. ‘I need the bathroom… I’m going to…’ She retched again, this time lurching towards Ryan. He flinched slightly, keeping out of her way, but he still didn’t let go of her.

  ‘Come on,’ he said to Hayes. ‘What are you waiting for?’

  ‘Sir,’ Hayes said calmly, ‘I think we should let her use the bathroom. If she’s sick when she’s unconscious, she might choke on her own vomit.’

  Ryan thought about it.

  ‘We want her alive, sir,’ Hayes reminded him.

  He gave it some more thought, then nodded. ‘All right… take her to the bathroom. But leave your gun here and don’t let her out of your sight.’ He let go of Eddi and took Hayes’s pistol. Hayes put the syringe back in the metal case, dropped the case in her pocket, then helped Eddi to her feet and started walking her to the bathroom.

  Ryan looked over at me.

  Cooper was still holding me, and Kelly still had the syringe in his hand, but they’d both been too distracted by Eddi throwing up to do anything. Now they were looking at Ryan, wondering what he wanted them to do.

  Ryan sat down on the settee.

  ‘Sir,’ Kelly said cautiously, ‘do you want us to –’

  ‘Not yet,’ Ryan said. ‘Just keep hold of him.’

  ‘Sir,’ Kelly nodded.

  Ryan took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped a fleck of liquid from his sleeve. He folded the handkerchief back into his pocket, then slowly looked over at me. ‘What’s the matter with her?’ he said. ‘Is she ill or something?’

  ‘There’s a bug going round,’ I heard myself say.

  ‘A bug?’

  I nodded. ‘A virus or something. It’s the festival – it brings in a lot of outsiders. You know how it is, they come down here and spread their germs all over the place…’

  I couldn’t believe what I was saying – the banality of it, the calmness of my voice. It was ridiculous. My life was falling to pieces. Cooper still had hold of me, crushing my arms to my sides. I was about to be drugged and kidnapped, and Eddi… I didn’t know what was happening with Eddi. And yet, here I was, chatting away to Ryan as if he’d just popped round for a cup of tea. It was madness.

  ‘What about you?’ Ryan said to me. ‘Have you got this bug?’

  ‘I don’t get ill.’

  ‘No,’ he said, ‘I don’t suppose you do.’

  I smiled at him. ‘How did you find me?’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘How did you know I was here?’

  He glanced over his shoulder, wondering about Eddi and Hayes, then he turned back to me. ‘A couple of British tourists staying in Nerja,’ he said. ‘They saw you, remembered your face from the newspapers, informed the police.’

  ‘How did you know where I lived?’

  ‘We didn’t. We had to ask around.’

  ‘Who did you ask?’

  ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘Not really.’

  I looked at Kelly. He was just standing there, staring at the floor, holding the syringe in his hand.

  I turned back to Ryan. ‘You realize that whatever’s in that syringe, it’s not going to keep me out for long.’

  ‘It doesn’t have to,’ he said. ‘Before we leave here, you’re going to be tied up so tightly you won’t even be able to blink.’ He looked at me. ‘You know this is all for your own good, don’t you?’

  ‘Really?’

  He nodded. ‘You don’t know what you are, Robert. We know that. Over the last six months we’ve taken your life apart – dissected it, examined it, analysed it. We’ve checked out all your Homes, your carers, your schools. We’ve investigated your teachers, your social workers, the children you grew up with. We’ve studied your files, your medical records, your therapists’ reports. We’ve talked to people. Watched people. Followed people. We’ve studied your endoscopy video a thousand times. We’ve analysed every trace of forensic evidence we could find – blood, hair, skin… everything.’ He shook his head. ‘But we still don’t know what you are. The only thing we know for certain is that you don’t know what you are either. No one does.’ He stared at me. ‘You can’t spend the rest of your life like that, Robert – not knowing what you are, or where you came from, or why you’re here.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because –’

  ‘Sir?’ Kelly said.

  Ryan looked up and saw Kelly staring at something behind him. Ryan paused for a moment, then slowly started turning his head to see what Kelly was looking at… and suddenly he froze. Eddi was standing behind him, pointing a pistol at his head.

  ‘Give me the gun,’ Eddi said coldly, holding out her hand. ‘And the one you took from Hayes.’

  Ryan smiled at her. ‘You’re very good, Miss Ray, I’ll give you that.’ He glanced at the pistol in her hand. ‘I searched your bathroom twice…’ He looked back at Eddi. ‘Where was it?’

  ‘Just give me the guns,’ she said.

  He shook his head. ‘I’m afraid I can’t do that.’

  ‘I’ll kill you if I have to,’ she warned him.

  ‘I’m sure you will. But then Kelly will have to shoot you, which will inconvenience us a little, but we’ll still have Robert.’ He shrugged. ‘And that’s all that really matters.’

  Eddi’s eyes flicked over at Kelly. He’d dropped the syringe and pulled out his pistol and was holding it down at his side. He didn’t move as Eddi looked at him, he just stood there, perfectly still, staring blankly into her eyes.

  ‘You see, Miss Ray,’ Ryan continued, ‘it’s not that I don’t value my own life, because I do, but sometimes we have to think of the bigger picture. And Robert here…’ He gazed over at me. ‘Well, Robert could be the biggest thing the world has ever seen.’ He looked back at Eddi. ‘You have no idea what you have loved, do you, Miss Ray?’

  Eddi’s lips moved, but she couldn’t say anything. She stared silently at Ryan for a while, then her head turned slowly and she looked over at me. As she gazed into my eyes, everything else disappeared. I knew that Cooper was still holding me, and I knew that Ryan and Kelly were still watching our every move, but just for a moment they didn’t exist. The only life in that room was the life that burned in Eddi’s blue eyes as they stared into mine… trying to see inside me, trying to understand… and for a fraction of a second, I think she did understand. I might have been fooling myself, trying to see what I wanted to see, but in that moment, I truly believed that Eddi knew everything. She’d seen inside me. She’d seen what I was, and why I’d kept it from her, and she’d forgiv
en me.

  ‘Now,’ Ryan said.

  In a blur of speed, I saw Kelly raise his arm and level his pistol at Eddi. I lunged desperately at him, dragging Cooper with me, and we both crashed into him just as he fired the gun. As Kelly grunted and staggered sideways, Cooper twisted me away from him and threw me to the ground, but even as I was falling I could see that Eddi hadn’t been hit. She’d already spun away from Ryan and now she was facing Kelly – her eyes calm, the pistol gripped in both hands. She fired off three quick shots – bangbangbang – and I saw Kelly’s head jerk backwards… and then it happened.

  Bang.

  Another shot.

  Flat and dull.

  Final.

  It came from the other side of the room.

  And I knew what it meant. The silence, the stillness. I could feel it screaming inside me as I lay there on the floor, staring in terror, waiting for the gun smoke to clear. I knew what I was going to see.

  ∗

  She was sitting on the floor with her legs buckled under her, leaning crookedly against the wall. Her hands were crossed over in her lap, her fingers curled like a sleeping child’s. Her eyes were open, staring blindly, and a thin trickle of blood was seeping from the bullet hole in her head.

  I wanted to cry. I’ve never wanted to cry so much in my life. But I couldn’t. All I could do was stare at her.

  My Eddi…

  I stared at her for a long time.

  Something left me then.

  Something drained away.

  When I finally got to my feet and looked over at Ryan, he was still sitting on the settee, still holding the gun he’d shot Eddi with, still looking calm and serene. As we gazed into each other’s dead eyes, I knew what I had to do.

  I looked round the room.

  Kelly was lying dead on the floor, his gun-shot head ringed with a pool of darkening blood. Flies were already gathering at the edge of the crimson pool. I watched them for a moment, wondering if they knew what they were doing, then I looked over at Cooper. He was standing with his back to the wall, pointing a gun at me. His eyes were dark and angry. He wanted to kill me.

  The ceiling fan whirred.

  The air smelled of death.

  Fireworks crackled faintly in the distance.

  I started walking across the room.

  Ryan watched me. I saw him glance over at Cooper and shake his head, then he looked back at me again. I walked past him and stopped in front of Eddi. For a moment I just stood there, looking down at her… her beautiful face, her pale white skin, her hands, her hair, her fading blue eyes. It was all nothing now. She was nothing.

  She wasn’t Eddi any more.

  She wasn’t anything.

  I knelt down beside her and gently adjusted her dress. It had ridden up over her thighs when she’d fallen. As I smoothed it down over her legs, a drop of blood dripped from her head, spotting the sheer white cotton. I stared at the small red stain for a moment, then I reached out slowly and touched it with the tip of my finger. The blood was cold and sticky.

  I licked it from my finger.

  She was in me now. She was with me forever.

  I leaned over and kissed her cold lips.

  I closed her eyes.

  I licked my finger again and wiped the trickle of blood from her forehead.

  Then I ran my bloodied fingertip down my face – once, twice – from the corner of each eye to the corners of my mouth, painting my cheeks with tears of blood.

  I turned to Ryan. ‘I can’t cry,’ I told him. ‘Something happens to me. The doors close, the lights go out. I disappear.’

  He looked at me, but said nothing.

  I reached over and picked up Eddi’s pistol from the floor.

  ‘Don’t do it, Robert…’ I heard Ryan say.

  I looked at the gun in my hand. It was smaller than the one she’d kept in the bedside cabinet, and I wondered briefly where she’d hidden it and why she’d never told me about it…

  It didn’t matter.

  I stood up, holding Eddi’s pistol down at my side, and turned to face Ryan. He wasn’t pointing his gun at me, but it was in his hand and his finger was poised on the trigger.

  ‘You might as well put the gun down, Robert,’ he said calmly. ‘It’s not going to do you any good. If you so much as think about using it, Cooper’s going to shoot you.’

  I turned and looked at Cooper. He hadn’t moved. He was still standing there with his pistol levelled at my head and I didn’t doubt that Ryan was right. The big man was just waiting for an excuse to pull the trigger.

  ‘It’s all right,’ I said, smiling at him, ‘it’s over now. You can relax. I’m not going to do anything.’

  Cooper didn’t react for a moment, he just kept on staring coldly at me, and then I saw his eyes flick over at Ryan. It was no more than a momentary glance, a quick look of uncertainty, but that was all I needed. I raised my arm and shot Cooper twice in the chest. He managed to fire back at me, but he was already staggering by then and the shot went harmlessly into the ceiling. I watched as he fell to the floor, waited until he’d stopped moving, then I lowered the pistol and turned back to Ryan.

  The pistol in his outstretched hand was aimed directly at my head.

  ‘Don’t make me do it, Robert,’ he said carefully. ‘Don’t make me pull the trigger. I don’t want to, but I will. I swear to God…’

  I looked at him for a long time, staring down the barrel of his gun, gazing into his silver eyes… letting him think whatever he wanted to think. I didn’t care any more. I dropped my pistol to the floor, turned my back on him and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

  ‘Robert?’ he called after me. ‘What are you…? Robert?’

  I ignored him and went into the bathroom. Hayes was lying face down on the floor with the hypodermic needle stuck in her neck. I squatted down and checked her pulse. She was still alive.

  I stood up and looked in the mirror. The blood-streaked thing looking back at me wasn’t a face. It was just a thing… a thing of skin and bone. Lips, teeth, eyes, blood-red tears… the shape of a skull.

  Nothing.

  I opened a cabinet above the sink and took out a razor blade.

  When I went back into the front room, Ryan was still sitting on the settee. He’d picked up my pistol and placed it next to his on the cushion beside him. I knew he still had another one in his pocket, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered any more.

  I sat down in the armchair opposite him. ‘Hayes is all right,’ I said. ‘She’s not dead. Eddi just stuck the needle in her neck.’

  Ryan nodded. ‘I’m sorry about Eddi, Robert… I’m really sorry. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.’

  ‘You’ll never know,’ I told him.

  He frowned at me. ‘I’ll never know what?’

  I said nothing, just looked at him.

  He shook his head. ‘Listen, Robert… I know you don’t want to believe me, but what I said earlier, about all this being for your own good… it’s the truth. No one was meant to get hurt. We just want to help you.’ He looked at me. ‘Just give us a chance, Robert… listen to me. Let me explain who we are –’

  ‘I don’t care who you are.’

  His eyes narrowed. ‘But don’t you want to know –?’

  ‘I don’t want to know anything.’

  He leaned forward and looked me in the eye. ‘We can find out everything about you, Robert. We can find out what you are, where you came from, why you’re here –’

  ‘I don’t care why I’m here. I don’t care about any of it – what I am, where I came from, who you are… none of it means anything. It never did.’ I looked at him. ‘It’s time to end it now.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I want to show you something.’

  As I reached into my pocket and took out the razor blade, Ryan snatched up his pistol and swung it in my direction.

  ‘What are you doing?’ he snapped.

  ‘Just watch,’ I told him.

  Holding the
razor blade in my right hand, I clenched the fist of my left hand and held the arm out in front of me. I looked over at Ryan. He’d put the gun down now and was watching me intently. I pressed the razor blade into the fleshy part of my left arm and slowly drew it down. A thick red slice opened up, and I let the pain flood through me.

  Don’t think any more.

  Just feel the pain…

  Nothing else.

  I stood up and walked over to Ryan. His eyes were transfixed, staring at the coloured liquids dripping from the gash in my arm. White blood, black blood, luminous silver blood. I stopped in front of him and held out my arm. He leaned forward and gazed curiously at the wound. I don’t know what he saw – red things, pulsing things, the shadows of silver bones. I didn’t care.

  ‘Remember it,’ I said to him. ‘You’ll never see it again.’

  He looked up at me, started to say something, and I hammered my fist into his head.

  I hit him hard enough to kill him. Bones cracked in my fist, and as he crashed down to the floor and collapsed, I thought for a moment that I had killed him. He was lying on his back, his arms and legs splayed out like the limbs of a broken doll. His eyes were closed. His mouth was half open. Blood and spit and bits of teeth were dribbling down his chin. The side of his face was misshapen – caved in and hanging down – and the skin around his jaw was turning black.

  He didn’t seem to be breathing.

  I picked up Eddi’s pistol and crouched down beside him. When I lowered my head to his, I could just make out a weak gurgling sound in the back of his throat.

  He was breathing.

  He wasn’t dead.

  I gazed into his face for a moment, wondering what lay beneath that tired grey skin. Bones and feelings. Blood and memories. Secrets, lies, big things, small things…?

  He’d never know.

  I stood up and looked over at Eddi. She was still sitting there. Her eyes were still closed.

  The fireworks had stopped now.

  The room was cold and silent.

  I looked down at Ryan again and levelled the gun at his head. I stood there for a long time, thinking of all the things he’d done – to me, to Eddi, to everything that might have been – and I came very close to pulling the trigger.