First Class to New York

by Harmon, AJ

  Her mind shifted to memories of Robert. Their love-making had been sweet, playful at times, and fulfilling. They had learned together how their bodies worked, reacted, and joined as one. It had not been a chore, or a marital requirement, as she had heard some women complain. She had enjoyed their intimate moments, relished in the bond they had as a couple.

  But Matt was different. His touch was different. Sex had been different. And she had liked it. No, she had loved it. Her body had responded to him immediately, in fact, before he had ever touched her. She had felt her orgasms from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. She had felt alive for the first time in a long time.

  A tear escaped and rolled slowly down her cheek. Robert had been the only man she had ever slept with, her one and only, and now he wasn’t. She’d had sex with Matt. Was it a mistake? Had she tarnished her memories of Robert? Would all of their ‘one and onlys’ slowly disappear one by one? Another tear fell and another, and soon she was trying to stifle her weeping. She knew she had to let him go. Robert was her past. She didn’t know what the future held in store for her, but Robert wouldn’t/couldn’t be part of it.

  Turning on the shower, she stepped under the hot water, trying to wash away the tears. But they wouldn’t stop, and all the emotions she had held in check for so long bubbled up and poured out and Janie sank to the floor, the water cascading over her, her body and mind finally letting go.

  *****

  Matt awoke with a smile still pasted on his face. Mmmmm, Janie, he thought as he reached for her, wanting her again. His hand touched the cool sheet and then her pillow. She wasn’t there. He opened his eyes to darkness and searched for the clock; 5:37. His first thought was that it was unusual for him to sleep this late; he was usually in his gym long before now. And then the question of where Janie was pushed his eyes open wide and he searched through the darkness for her. He heard water. The shower? Throwing the blanket off, he stood and stretched and headed to the bathroom to join the woman he couldn’t stop thinking about. He opened the door and headed across the marble floor. Standing at the toilet, his mind wandered back to the most rewarding sexual experience he’d had in a very long time. He could still taste her on his tongue. Sweet Janie. She was what every woman ought to be; beautiful, sexy, intelligent, witty, kind, innocent. Sweet, sweet Janie.

  He flushed and headed for the shower. The glass was fogged and he reached for the door, anticipation racing through his veins, hoping he didn’t scare her. Every time he touched her she seemed to jump. She was a bit skittish, like a wild baby animal. He needed to be gentle with her, his sweet Janie. He pulled open the door, slowly, a wicked grin on his face, eager to have her again. He froze, his eyes dropped down. He blinked, not understanding what he saw. There she sat huddled in the corner, knees pulled to her chest, looking like a drowned rat, sobbing.

  *****

  Oh, God! Oh, God! He’s here! Janie dropped her head to rest on her knees.

  Matt turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. Oh, God! Oh, God! He’s left! Janie let out another audible cry. She didn’t want him to see her like this, but she didn’t think she could bear it if he walked away either.

  A soft towel was placed around her knees, around her arms, around her back. She peaked up and Matt had crouched in front of her, his eyes pained. “Shit, Janie! What is it?” His voice was hoarse, his eyes searching for an answer.

  Janie let go of her knees and grabbed the edge of the towel and wiped her eyes and then her nose. “I’m sorry Matt. I tried to be quiet,” she choked.

  “Fuck Janie, don’t apologize, just tell me what’s wrong? Are you hurt? Did I do something?” Matt looked helpless.

  “No! No, you haven’t done anything. I had a bad dream and I woke up and it’s been a really hard few years and then this trip and it’s been amazing and then you…” her voice trailed off and a small sob escaped.

  Matt sat down beside her, leaning against the wall and pulled her into his body. He kissed the top of her head slowly breathing out, not realizing he had been holding it. “Tell me about your dream.”

  Janie turned to look up at him, her eyes blackened from mascara and whispered, ”If I tell you about my dream, then I have to tell you about my life.”

  “Then tell me about your life.”

  *****

  Forty-five minutes later, Janie had divulged her history to Matt; ALL of it. She told him all about her boys, and she laughed regaling him with their crazy antics as children. She told him about Robert; his life, how they met, and the cancer, and how she’d gone from a wife and companion, to a nurse and caretaker. And she told Matt about his death and how guilty she had felt because it was a relief when he finally passed, because for the last few months of his life, he wasn’t Robert. He wasn’t the man she had fallen for so many years before. He wasn’t the father who went to the boys’ ball games and cheered the loudest. He wasn’t the Robert she had known at all.

  She told him about Katy, her rock. And he laughed when she told him how they had dyed their own hair as 15 year olds and then Katy’s had all fallen out. And how they had coordinated their Halloween costumes every year and how every summer the two of them went to Newport, on the Oregon coast, to lay on the beach, uninterrupted for 3 days. And she told him how there were things over the past year that she hadn’t even told Katy, because they were things she just didn’t want to say out loud, because if she’d said them out loud then they were real.

  She told him how difficult it had been over the past year, letting go, and how she needed to, wanted to move on. She explained how this trip was not only the trip she had wanted to take since she was sixteen, but this was the trip that was the beginning of her new life; one she didn’t ask for, but one she had nevertheless.

  “And have I messed up that trip for you?” Matt had asked.

  “No,” she’d replied. “You are just a complete surprise. A bonus.”

  “Tell me about your dream.”

  So Janie had told him about her dream. She told him about the two doors and the cold wind and Robert reaching for her and when she shuddered, Matt pulled her tighter.

  *****

  Janie had washed her face and wrapped herself in the luxurious hotel robe. She was sitting in the corner of the sofa, feet tucked under her, sipping on a cup of hot coffee. It was light outside now and Janie was watching the street lights in the distance disappear. She was baffled by her honest confession to Matt. She couldn’t believe she had told him so much. It wasn’t like her. She kept things close, hidden, guarded. The door of the bathroom swung open and he sauntered out, sexy as hell, with a towel wrapped low on his hips.

  “You look better,” Matt smiled.

  “I feel better, thank you. I would totally understand if all…this…” she waved her hand through the air, ”was too much baggage for you. I mean, not that we are, you know, just…” She was flustered; didn’t know how to ‘release’ him with words.

  Matt walked over and planted a kiss on her forehead. Then reached down and poured himself a cup of coffee from the silver pot. He sat in the wingback chair next to Janie and looked at her over his cup. He sipped his coffee, never taking his eyes of her. She looked away and played with the rim of her cup.

  “I mean, this is probably weird for you, you know, I’m sure you don’t often find women in the shower having a, um, a, you know, a breakdown.” She was embarrassed. Even though he had been nothing but sweet and kind, it was difficult to look him in the eye after all he had seen of her, both physically and emotionally.

  Matt didn’t say a word. He took another sip of his coffee and continued to watch her fidget.

  “I’m fine now.” She didn’t sound convincing. “I am sure you have better things to do, you know, work and stuff.”

  “You want me to leave?” He finally spoke.

  “If you want to leave, I’d totally get it.”

  “That’s not what I asked you Janie. Look at me.”

  She glanced up at him, not raising her head.<
br />
  “Do you…want me…to leave?”

  “I don’t know,” she whispered.

  Matt frowned. “That’s honest,” he said. “I tell you what, I’m gonna go to work. And I’m going to call you later, okay?”

  Janie nodded, looking a bit dejected.

  “Janie?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I’d like to see you tonight.”

  “You would?” Janie couldn’t hide the shock in her voice.

  Matt chuckled, “Yes, I would. Would that be okay?”

  She smiled and nodded.

  “Okay then.” He put his cup on the silver serving tray and stood. He gathered his clothes off the desk chair where they had lain all night and got dressed, Janie watching as every muscle moved and twisted as the garments started covering up his beautiful god-like form.

  Before he left, he bent in front of her, still tucked into the corner of the sofa, tilted her chin up, and softly kissed her. He pulled away, hesitated, and then kissed her once more, licking her lips with his tongue. Before Janie could respond, he broke away and walked to the door, looking back once with a sad smile and then left.

  *****

  She didn’t know how long she had sat there after Matt headed off to work. Time didn’t matter. Janie reflected on the events of the past twelve hours and her head spun, trying to absorb it all. There was so much to comprehend; so much to grasp. She needed to talk it out; she needed Katy.

  The phone rang three times before she heard a sleepy “Hello?”

  “I woke you,” she apologized.

  “Hey friend!”

  “Morning Katy. Sorry to call so early, but…”

  “What is it Janie?” Katy could hear the worry in her best friend’s voice.

  “I slept with him,” she whispered.

  “WHAT? SLEPT WITH? WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH?”

  Janie had to pull the phone from her ear Katy was shouting so loudly. She smiled and said, “Get comfortable – I’ve got a story to tell you.”

  *****

  Matt didn’t go to work. First off, he had given Ray the signal the night before when he dragged Janie from the car and Ray had gone home. So there was no car waiting for him when he walked out of the hotel. And secondly, he didn’t feel like he normally did the morning after fucking a date, for a number of reasons, some of which he couldn’t articulate yet. So he hailed a cab and headed for home. Not the sprawling apartment he owned a few blocks from his office in the Financial District, but to his childhood home.

  Maureen was totally bewildered when he casually walked into her kitchen at 8am on a Thursday morning. Peter looked up from the paper and casually addressed his son, like it was nothing out of the ordinary.

  “Matthew! What on earth are you doing here?”

  “Morning to you too, Mom, Dad,” he smirked.

  “Why aren’t you at work? What’s wrong?”

  “Good grief, Maureen! He’s allowed to be here!” Peter sighed.

  “Well, of course he is! He’s welcome anytime, he knows that. I’m just very surprised to see him, that’s all.”

  Matt chuckled and kissed his mother on the cheek. “Can I have some?” Matt nodded at the skillet of eggs.

  “Absolutely! Have a seat.” And Maureen flew into ‘mom’ mode. She pulled out a placemat and silverware and a coffee mug and waited on her son hand and foot.

  When he was done eating, Peter stood and excused himself, explaining he had a tee time so he had to go. He patted his son on the back, gave his wife a warm embrace and a loud smoochy kiss, and headed out the back door. Matt grinned, having spent his entire life watching his parents’ open displays of affection. They still loved each other after fifty years of marriage.

  Maureen sat down at the table and patted her son’s hand. “What’s wrong Matthew?”

  “Why do you think there’s something wrong?” he asked, genuinely curious in his mother’s answer.

  Maureen laughed, “I’m your mother! And whether you are four, fourteen, or forty, I know when something is bothering you.”

  Matt sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Janie told me all about her husband last night.”

  “First, he is a dead husband,” she said matter-of-factly.

  Matt’s eyes flew open and he looked shocked.

  “Well, he is!” she defended her statement. “And, you were angry the other day because she hadn’t told you, so this is good, right?”

  Matt shook his head, “I don’t know.” He could still see her huddled in the corner of the shower and the sight had done something to him, it had changed his feelings about her, it had given him feelings for her.

  “You like this girl.”

  Matt didn’t respond.

  “You like her and it scares the daylights out of you.”

  “It doesn’t matter even if I did,” he said. “She leaves next week and goes back to Portland; back to her sons, back to her friends, back to her life.”

  “So you have to stop liking her because of that? In this day and age of cell phones and email and that camera thingy on the computer? Don’t be ridiculous Matthew. Besides, you’re on the west coast quite often, aren’t you?”

  Matt swallowed the last of his coffee and Maureen patted his hand again and stood.”Let me refill that for you and then you should get to work.”

  *****

  Janie had never, ever, known Katy to be speechless. Just when she desperately needed to hear her friend’s thoughts and opinions, Katy didn’t say a word. “Say something,” she begged.

  “I am still trying to comprehend it all. I’m still trying to work out if he changed his seat assignment to sit next to you on the plane!”

  “Katy! The plane doesn’t matter!”

  “It was all very romantic until you, er, your, well you know, this morning.”

  “My nervous breakdown?” Janie asked

  “No… wouldn’t call it that. It sounds to me like you were saying your final goodbyes…letting go of Robert.”

  “How can I say goodbye? I have spent more of my life with him than without him. How do I just move on, like he never existed?”

  “You don’t. Janie, he is a part of you now. You are who you are because of him. He will always be with you. But he wouldn’t want you to be alone. OH SHIT!!!”

  “Katy? What’s wrong? Katy?”

  “You’re in New York!”

  “Yes, I am. Katy what is it?” Janie could hear Katy opening drawers and slamming doors. “What are you doing?”

  “Janie, I have something to tell you.”

  “Oh God! What is it? Are the boys okay?” panic rose through her body.

  “The boys are fine! Nothing’s wrong. Chill, k?”

  Janie took a deep breath and was ready for whatever Katy was about to tell her.

  “Robert wrote you a letter.”

  “What? I don’t understand.”

  “Janie, before Robert got really sick, when I was there with him, you were gone somewhere, he wrote you a letter.”

  “I don’t remember a letter.” Janie was racking her brain trying to recall the letter.

  “He didn’t give it to you. He gave it to me.”

  “Why? Why would he give you a letter he had written to me?”

  “Janie, I was supposed to give you the letter today, but you aren’t here.”

  “Give it to me today? On Thursday? April 20th? Why today?”

  “I was supposed to give it to you when you met a man.”

  Janie was stunned, shocked. A letter from Robert? When she meet a man? “You have it there?” she asked.

  “Yeah, right here.”

  “Read it!” she said.

  *****

  “Dearest Janie,

  It seems like only yesterday when I saw you for the first time. Your hair was in a braid and you were making announcements at the school assembly. I was an immature teenage boy, but I knew that I wanted to get to know you, and after I did, I knew that you were the only girl for me. You made me the happiest man
when you agreed to marry me, and I know that the first few years were rough, what with me trying to finish school and working full-time, and then the boys coming a bit earlier than we had planned. But because of you, we were happy. You have always been generous and kind, making sure mine and the boys’ needs were met before you took care of yourself. You are still taking care of us, taking care of me.

  We can be so proud of the boys. They have turned out to be fine young men and we owe that to you. You are the best mom. And when the time comes, I know they will be strong for you and take care of you. Let them.

  It’s not going to be much longer Janie and then I won’t be here anymore. You won’t have to take care of me anymore. I wish you didn’t now, but I’m glad it’s you and not some strange nurse. I know it’s hard for you to change the IV bags and my bedpan. Thank you, Janie.

  The plan was to grow old together, but as we both know now, that it isn’t going to happen. Things change Janie. But there are some things that I need you to know. I’m not always eager to share my feelings, but I think you have always known that I love you, that you are my best friend. I would walk through fire for you. And I have always known that you love me and sometimes I can’t believe that you chose me, that you let me be your husband. I am the luckiest man in the world.

  You are an amazing woman. You are talented and smart. And you are so pretty. You shouldn’t be alone. You have so much to give, so much love to share. After I’m gone you need to find someone new, someone special to create new plans with. Start over and find love again. Find someone who will love you as much as I do. Be happy. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t worry about me. I want you get married again. I want you have a friend and a lover. I really do. You have my blessing. Be happy, please?

  Don’t grieve for me, just remember the all the good times.

  I love you, always,

  Robert”

  *****

  Janie could hear Katy blow her nose and then her folding the paper. She wiped her nose on the sleeve of the bathrobe and wiped her eyes.