Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  “Good night, seductive homewrecker,” I whispered after kissing her cheek.

  “Uhn-uhn!” She shrilled, “You’ve gotta cut that cheese, boy!”

  I laughed, eyes feeling heavy as they shrunk. “Ma, I finished with the cheese before I started with the yams.”

  She turned to the counter behind her. “Where they at then?”

  “In the fridge.” She shoved me, crossing the small area for the refrigerator. “BOOM!” I taunted her.

  “You was about to get yo ass whooped,” she threatened. “I think there’s more to cut up.” She looked deeper into the fridge.

  “Ma!” I groaned. “Did you forget I traveled today? I got in late, too.”

  My phone rang as she lifted from the fridge and an odd zing of excitement coursed through me. I rolled my eyes when I saw Aivery’s name on the screen.

  “Hey,” I answered.

  But Professor Lee didn’t care that I was obviously on the phone. “Your ass coming home late wasn’t my fault! I told you last week I needed you here to help. I always need you here to help. You know that!” she fired off, not giving a single fuck.

  “Everything okay, Ash?” Aivery asked warily.

  “Yup,” I answered Aivery before kissing my mother on the cheek. “I’m ‘bout to shower then K.O. Keep it down up here.”

  I took off before she cussed my ass out.

  “Yeah,” I finally responded to Aivery. “I’m good. How are you?” I trudged toward my room.

  “I’m okay. I just made it in. I thought you would have arrived hours ago. You left campus at a decent hour. Was your flight delayed?”

  Thanks a lot, Ma…

  Aivery was indirectly asking me to account for my time since leaving campus. It was something I would not do. But I also had no energy for a fight with her. There was no way in hell I’d tell her I stopped in to see NormaJean, who’d flown into Jersey just to spend a few hours alone with me.

  Rolling my neck to loosen the muscles, I sighed, “I’m not sure about Mrs. Cooper, but when Ms. Wanda’s only child comes home, there’s never enough time for her to feel satisfied. I swear, that woman always thinks I’m late, or leave too early.” I turned into my bedroom. “How was your flight in?’

  Chapter Five

  -THEN-

  “Taraji beat her muthafuckin’ ass!” Renata clapped each syllable over her empty plate…except for the lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles from her double cheeseburger. She looked smaller than the last time I’d seen her in August. “I told her you was gonna be proud of her, Tori. They thought ‘cause you was gone, they could fuck with her.”

  “I told Tangi if they wanna start another war, we ready.” Treesha nodded, wiping the baby, NeNe’s, mouth. “We ‘bout that shit!”

  “Sure is. Tangi and Raquel been on this childish shit for too fucking long. Like for real,” Treesha’s voice elevated, she was so upset. “Like your baby daddy fucking around on you with your cousin from two trailers down from you, but you wanna start trouble with a fourteen-year-old? You got time to argue with a child then run, go get your little cousin to fight that child?”

  “That shit was fucked up,” Toya sighed after taking the last sip of her soda.

  They were catching me up on the two sisters who had been a pain in my ass since I could remember. Apparently, Tangi ran into my little cousin, who was Renata and Treesha’s niece, at the store. Tangi claimed my little cousin, Taraji, didn’t hold the door open for her and it almost caught her hand. She yelled at Taraji and all hell broke loose, because my little cousin knew their family didn’t get along with ours…even if she didn’t know exactly why. At some point, Tangi threatened Taraji, and when Taraji wouldn’t back down, Tangi left for the trailer park to go get her niece, who was two years older than Taraji, to fight.

  “I’m still bugging about how Tangi and JuJu walked over to Sonya’s trailer for Taraji. She wanted them to fight, and Taraji ain’t back down.” Toya laughed out of nowhere. “We was in the living room fucked up, and Taraji stomped in there with a whole bunch of Vaseline on her face and her sneakers half off her damn feet.”

  “Right!” Treesha howled while trying to give NeNe soda from a straw. “Taraji was not playing. I flew up from that couch and ran outside. When I saw JuJu rushing Taraji with her fists in the air, I told Tangi she was next if Taraji lost.”

  Renata rolled her eyes. “That bitch ain’t want it. If you was home, Tori, Tangi woulda kept her ass on her side of the park with lil’ ass JuJu.”

  “Where’s Taraji now?” I asked.

  They were right: I was proud of her. I tried teaching my little cousins to stand up for themselves, especially when someone put their hands on them. Never run from a fight that didn’t involve a knife, blade, or gun. Bullies didn’t always like to fight when they bullied. That was too much work for most of them. So if they threatened with violence, don’t back down. At least, that was my case with Tangi and her sister, Raquel. Just like my Margaret told me: you have to fight back.

  “She in Vineland with her momma’s people for Thanksgiving,” Renata explained. “They wanted to be with us, but ain’t nobody cooking.”

  “What’s that college like, Tori?” Toya asked.

  There was a smile of hope burning on her face. That surprised me. Did she think it was all roses at a college?

  My phone chirped and flutters exploded in my belly. My first thought was the bossy human. But when I pulled out the phone with shaky fingers, I saw Samantha had BBM’d me that she was home.

  “And they pay you to fight out there?” Renata asked, more or less insinuating. “Where did that Blackberry come from?”

  “Shit!” Treesha swore. “Them phones are expensive! Richie said he’s getting one.”

  Richie was Treesha’s boyfriend, but not NeNe’s father. He was a drug dealer in a trailer park not too far from ours.

  I didn’t know how to answer that. So to delay it, I typed back to Samantha. Then I came up with another way to deflect.

  Putting the phone down, I answered, “School is a bitch. The people out there are snooty as hell.”

  “Wait!” Treesha rolled her neck. “I need to come out there?”

  I laughed. Treesha wasn’t no real fighter. She had heart, but was a lightweight. She didn’t have to do any real fighting growing up: I did all the heavy fighting for my cousins. The little they did for themselves, I’d taught them. My cousins were by no means boxers, but they could defend themselves in a street fight.

  “I’m okay, Treesh.”

  “But what them niggas be like?” Toya popped her lips and booty-danced in her seat.

  Treesha, seated next to her, laughed at her antics. I shook my head then gave my attention to NeNe, reaching across the table for the ketchup bottle. She was so cute and such a good baby. I remember sleeping with her on my chest when she was just days old. Most of my cousins had kids, but NeNe here is who made me want one so bad. The problem was making one. Sex was gross. It had to be. It involved nasty humans.

  “Come on now,” Renata sighed. “You know Tori ain’t the one to answer that.”

  “Or if there’s girls there.” Treesha rolled her eyes.

  I hated when they did things like this. We all knew I was weird. Them being protective over it made the moment awkward, especially with Toya. She knew I was weird, too.

  “There’re guys and girls there that think they’re the shit.” I shrugged, still holding NeNe’s little hand. “Like I said, they all snobs to me. So…”

  “But any niggas up there with money?” Toya stuck her pierced tongue out toward her chin while gyrating her seated hips again. She had been dancing at a small titty bar in Bridgeton since she was eighteen. The girl hadn’t even graduated high school yet, but the owner let her dance. Her tips helped pay her senior dues so she could walk across the stage with a cap and gown. Toya had been doing it for almost two years now. “And I ‘on’t mean that lil’ book money from mommy and daddy. I mean that real shit. That fast dough.”

&nb
sp; Renata giggled at that. Toya was being Toya. She and Treesha liked dope boys. They were all around, but once in a while, Treesha and Toya would go down to Atlantic City to fish for guys from out of town who didn’t mind buying food and drinks. If the girls were lucky, they’d get their telephone numbers and keep in touch for when they were in town again.

  It was sad that I, like Toya, believed that was real money. That was until Blakewood. I now saw how people with money dressed and behaved. Dre was the flashiest on campus, but he carried himself way different from any of the guys around Millville. Everybody at Blakewood seemed to talk properly and have something going for themselves, even if it was with their chosen major and having a plan to use their degrees after school. I remembered hearing Samantha and her science-major crew talk about creating products and the steps to have them approved by the government as safe to use. Two of the girls were actually in the process. And they weren’t close to graduating like Ashton, Aivery, and most of their crew. The science girls had a year or two to go.

  Like Toya being able to strip before getting her high school diploma…

  “Nah,” I answered Toya. “None of that’s at BSU, that I know of.”

  “Shiiiit,” she drug out. “Then count me out. How long you gone be up there?” Toya rolled her eyes annoyed.

  I found it funny. Toya was…being Toya.

  “You going back?” Treesha asked. I felt Renata’s neck whipped my way. “I thought you’da been back.”

  My eyes circled the table. “Why?”

  Treesha shifted her attention to NeNe. She lifted her over the table for me to take her. She knew I’d never turn down an opportunity to play with her daughter.

  “I ‘on’t know,” Treesha murmured. “Renata said Aunt Dot said you said you was coming home. You ain’t like it out there.”

  My gaze moved from NeNe up to Renata. Her eyes wouldn’t hold steady. Something was off. I hadn’t kept in touch with my cousins because for a while, I didn’t have a cellular phone at BSU and I couldn’t call. They didn’t have my information to call if their cells had been on. None of them had plans, just minutes, and I didn’t expect them to use them up on me. I was fine.

  “What did she say?” I asked Renata.

  She shrugged, pushing her plate up the table. “Nothing, really.”

  “That’s what you eat now?” Treesha’s question was abrupt, causing me to glance down at my plate. “What was that called again?”

  I eventually answered, “A Greek salad.”

  “Oh, that’s what them wet leaves was?” Toya’s face was tight with disgust.

  “The stuffed grape leaves?” Out of nowhere, I felt embarrassed. I shrugged. “It’s…good.”

  “That must be that college shit,” Treesha observed.

  “They got me on a dumb diet.”

  “Why?” Renata snapped, head swinging to face me.

  I shrugged again. “I’m an athlete, Renata. They test and fix everything for us.”

  “That’s better than what we gone have tomorrow,” Toya joked. “Come on. Let’s pay for this shit.”

  Toya and Treesha scooted out of the booth to leave. I pulled out my money then went back to playing with NeNe. She was so cute and snuggly. Treesha kept her hair done with pretty barrettes.

  “You sure you good?” Renata asked.

  “Yeah. What you mean?”

  “I ‘on’t know. I ain’t think you liked it out there. For real, for real, I thought you woulda quit by now.”

  I shrugged then kissed NeNe’s soft cheek. “I ain’t no quitter.”

  “Okay. So you ain’t coming back?” I shook my head as NeNe’s little hands cupped my cheeks. “Good. And Uppercut?”

  “Fuck him,” I murmured, meaning every bit of it.

  “So, it’s school for real, right?”

  Her constant question of me sticking it out at BSU gave away her worry. That shit annoyed me.

  “What’s your problem?” I demanded. “And don’t tell me nothing. I can tell you been keeping something from me?”

  “The hell are you talking about?” Renata couldn’t look at me as she grabbed her cup that was now nothing more than melting ice. “I’m just making sure you good. I know you: you won’t say either way.”

  I swung my head to face her with big eyes. “I’m good.”

  “You got friends out there?”

  “Yeah.” My attention was back to my sweet NeNe.

  “How many, Tori?” I heard the doubt in her voice.

  I paid a spell to consider that. “One and a half.”

  “You fucking serious?” She spit out laughter; that made me crack up, too.

  It was so contagious, even NeNe laughed.

  “Yup. Dead serious.”

  “What’s they name?”

  “Which one?”

  “Tori, fucking stop it!” She looked at me as I pretended not to notice. “Okay. The whole one. What’s her name?”

  She rightfully assumed it was a girl. “Easy. Samantha.”

  “How you meet her?”

  “She moved into my room. She’s cool.”

  “Where she from?”

  “A couple of hours from campus.”

  “And what about the half?”

  I looked at her. “The what?”

  “The half, fool.” She tried not laughing at my silliness. “The half of a friend you said.”

  “Oh.” I turned back to NeNe, whose attention and determination were across the table at her mother’s soda. I grabbed my water and fed her the straw. She didn’t like it. I guessed lemon wasn’t her flavor. “Ashton,” I finally answered.

  “Why he only a half, T?”

  “Because he’s a weird, preppy sometimes, bossy, and, sometimes mean human. He’s the ‘big man on campus,’ you can say.”

  She rolled her eyes and scoffed, “Here the fuck you go.” Renata was only a year older than me, but she was protective and understood me more than anyone other than my Margaret. When she died, Renata seemed to lock herself to me at the hip. I didn’t push her away. Eventually, Treesha, who was a year younger than me, included herself, but Renata “got” me. I knew she was “wrenching into my head” right now, but I never made it easy. “Then how he get to be a half a friend then?”

  I thought about that for a few seconds, too. “Because he’s cute.” I shrugged at my half-ass answer. I couldn’t believe I’d just said that out loud.

  “Oh, shit!” she chirped, sucking in a heap of air. My stomach did somersaults, similar to the way it did when I thought of Ashton Spencer. I fucking hated it all. “You like him, Tori?”

  “I like Samantha, too.” I tried deflecting.

  “Wait. So you like people now? You like-like her—them?” My announcement had my cousin stumbling over her words. “So, you think you go both ways? Fuck!” she grumbled. “This shit too much. That’s what the fuck be happening in college? They turn you freaky, and shit?”

  Unable to hide my smile at the “freaky” mention—because Brielle’s concert with Ashton playing between my legs jumped to the front of my mind—all I could do was stare at her. “I don’t mean it like that. I still don’t know what I am, but I know I don’t like girls.”

  Her forehead stretched and head shifted back. “So you like boys?”

  I shook my head as I turned away. That was another question I couldn’t answer with certainty, but it made no sense. I liked Ashton, but I shouldn’t have. Not only was he confusing and frustrating, he had a girlfriend, and that wasn’t something I’d share with my cousin. She knew how I felt about cheating and cheaters.

  “Do he like you, Tori?”

  I shook my head. “We get along now, but nah. He doesn’t like me like that.”

  “Then how does he like you?”

  I shrugged as I thought about it. “He bought me a ticket to see Brielle last night.”

  Her eyes flew wide as she sucked in a hefty breath again. I guessed I was dropping bombs tonight.

  No.

  I knew I
was.

  “You fuckin’ lying, bitch!”

  Her elevated tone had my head whipping around the restaurant. Folks were looking our way already.

  Still, I giggled and shook my head. “You know I’m not.”

  “Bri-fucking-elle! He took you out on a date?”

  Not exactly. “A bunch of his snobby friends went. Nope. No date.” That’s all I wanted to share about last night.

  I couldn’t even tell her how I got home tonight. Doing that would require me revealing how I’d come home a few weeks ago blowing my travel allowance, but didn’t call or visit. I knew one day I’d tell Renata everything. Tonight wouldn’t be that time. I had to work through what was happening between Ashton and me first.

  “Then if he don’t like you like that, how do he like you?”

  Renata was making this hard. I exhaled, rolling my eyes to NeNe as though I was venting to her. “You ain’t notice my new clothes…shoes? These earrings?” I finally looked at Renata again. “My hair?”

  “Oh, shit!” She covered her open mouth. “Them tracks I put in ya head. Good! You took ‘em out. Who did that?”

  “The salon on campus. There’s a girl from Philly out there that does hair at the campus salon.”

  “That school got a hair salon?”

  I nodded, still playing with NeNe. “A nail salon and spa…cleaners run by students…barbershop, too.”

  “Wait.” Her body was twisted so she faced me. “What do that Ashton got to do with that?”

  I shrugged again. “He got it for me.” I wouldn’t look away from NeNe.

  “He did what?” I heard the excitement in her voice. The shock.

  I nodded, taking my time before looking at her again. “It’s not what you think. I’m only telling you the good. It ain’t been easy at Blakewood, but Ashton…” I didn’t know how to express it. “He’s been cool.”

  “Shit! Instead of me making this move, I should be there!”

  “What move?” My mood darkened.

  Renata took a deep breath. “I’m going into the army.”

  “Army?” I yelled, not giving a fuck about where we were.

  I felt NeNe jump in my arms and tried to soothe her as best as I could.