Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  The first tear slipped from my eye from seeing the rawest of Ashton Spencer. The most vulnerable form I couldn’t meet in the middle. I was just that girl, curled up in a fetal position on my mother’s second-hand sofa last night. Scared shitless about a boogeyman who never showed. I wasn’t desirous—a complete nobody. I didn’t know how to respond: that was how damaged I was. My lips trembled and heart ripped in my chest.

  So angry, I jumped from the bed, not caring if my panties were exposed. “Then do it!” I got so close to his face. “Tell me—do something—to show me I’m more than annoying to you. Make me feel that I’m not a burden, but the good human being you claim to see.” I could barely get out, “Acknowledge me, Ashton, without hurting my feelings!”

  With wide nostrils and pinched brows, Ashton pulled in a breath. Then his eyes closed. When they opened, he pulled me into his face, kissing me before I felt his tongue between my lips. The moment it caressed mine, I fell against him. We kissed hard and fast, something I wasn’t used to—I wasn’t used to kissing at all—but eased into it in no time. My nipples stung and pussy clenched over and over and over. It was so powerful, my mind went blank until I felt the cool air hit my tingling nipples. I was down to my panties and didn’t panic. Ashton didn’t give me a chance to. He pulled from my mouth and looked me straight in the eyes as he backed away. His chest heaved and I could see how hard his nipples were, and the cuts in his abs were deeper.

  My eyes found Ashton’s. They were on my tits. My tits! They were big, so swollen, betraying me. For so long he just…looked at them and my panties. His eyes were greedy. And for the first time, I saw more than a mature, smart leader in Ashton. I saw the hungry man of him, too.

  It could have scared me—did, a little—but when he croaked, “You’re more beautiful than I guessed,” my body tensed, fists clenched. I couldn’t take it. Being adorned was harder than being attacked.

  “Ashton…” I cried.

  Without a second word from me, he kissed me again, backing me to the bed. He reached for my panties and pulled them down, catching my nipple with his mouth on the way. My back arched without me telling it to. The way my eyes closed in delicious shame was not me. I’d never reacted this way. The tip of his tongue swiped across my nipple, then his teeth scraped my areola while moving away.

  “Step out,” he whispered near my belly, pulling my panties from my ankles. After tossing them, Ashton pulled the blanket open over the bed. “Lay down, Nabby-girl.” I didn’t recognize his voice or the look in his eyes.

  But his scent was the same. His towering height and broad protective build were all things I’d never forget. So I obeyed. Shakily, I crawled onto the bed. Not knowing what else to do, like an idiot, I lay back with my thighs quivering and closed.

  “Say no,” he whispered, looming over me with a bulge in his basketball shorts.

  I swallowed hard, my lips trembling out of nowhere. “Why?”

  “Because I don’t need an ally for what I’m about to do.”

  Breathing deep and loud, I paid a few seconds to make my decision. “I’m not ready for sex.”

  Then I couldn’t breathe, fucking nervous about him thinking I didn’t want him. After a long spell, Ashton nodded, then leaned over to crawl over to me. He pulled my knees apart and lay between them, kissing me again. This time, I felt his hardness between my legs and my belly gyrated. I tried relaxing when tasting his tongue again, this time slow and tender.

  He pulled back, kissing my chin then licked my neck. His thumbs circled the sides of my tits, even as his mouth licked and sucked each one. I was weak. All I felt was the weight of my body and the stirring of my belly. I’d never felt the softness of flesh the way I did when his lips and tongue traced my inner thigh. With as many things going on between my shaky body and trippy thoughts, one was loud and consistent: this is Ashton Spencer. He was doing this to me. Making me…feel.

  And when his nose brushed between my legs, I could never call it a pussy again. It was a living, feeling oasis. I felt everything there. His tongue… The way it moved against me was the Ashton I knew. He was a teacher, experienced beyond his age. There was nothing shy or uneasy about his touch, which was why I knew I was in way over my head with this guy.

  He licked and licked and licked. His hands rubbed down my thighs, beneath my butt then reached my boobs. I breathed hard and fast through my nostrils, my belly lifting, thighs opening more and more for him. His fingers twisted my nipples and, just like the night of the Brielle concert, I moved to meet whatever was coming. The sounds I heard from him sucking on me had my abs straining.

  He’s going down on me…

  This is Ashton…

  Ashton’s doing this to me…

  Ashton Spencer…

  So many reality checks popping up in my mind while feeling so…good. And everywhere. My tits. My toes. My belly that kept lifting and rolling over, lifting and rolling over.

  Until one final thought set it all off.

  Aivery Cooper…

  “Shreshrueephu…” dribbled from my mouth as my hips lifted into his face while something inside me burst.

  Everything jerked, and not all together. My shoulders fought the mattress, slamming onto it like a seesaw. As Ashton fingered my nipples in a way I couldn’t explain, and his tongue flicked my…oasis, knowing it better than he’d ever led on to, I shook, feeling like I needed to be 5150’d. I vibrated and twisted, not able to help it at all until it was over, and that took a while. I felt betrayed, conquered, and adored at the same time. Another thing I noticed was I didn’t feel used or…disgusted. That scared me.

  But nothing troubled me more than the look in Ashton’s eyes when my body rippled in smalls shakes every four seconds, it seemed. My eyes were locked onto him, trying to gather myself. My hearing returned first. So did the sound of my pounding chest and Ashton’s heavy breaths as he licked his wet lips. His mouth, cheeks, and chin were glistening. But I couldn’t see much past his licking.

  “You wanna taste heaven?” His voice was so throaty and unrecognizable.

  My tongue moved across my lips while my mind reeled. “I wanna taste you.”

  Closing his eyes, Ashton shook his head. “I’d lose my fortune if you touch me with your mouth,” he mumbled so lowly, I almost missed his words.

  But I didn’t want this...closeness to him to end. Not only that, something deep between my legs began humming again. Now that I knew what he could do, I was desperate for his touch again. My hands went for the band of his shorts and boxers. I lifted my back from the bed to pull down his shorts and boxers with shaky hands and a weak spine. Ashton helped me by pulling them off. Then he kissed me, and that’s when I learned what heaven tasted like. No, I wasn’t crazy about the flavor of my personal musk, but tasting it on him blew my mind.

  Why am I letting him do this to me?

  What makes Ashton Spencer different?

  I couldn’t come up with the answer the minute I felt his hot, hard dick push into my…oasis, but not inside. It rubbed against my lips, more like slipped. My eyes burst wide. Again, it rubbed perfectly up the slit, this time hitting that sensitive nub, and I shivered. Ashton sat up, heavy eyes going between us. He grabbed himself, reminding me of his size. Its veiny wideness and fat smooth head. He rubbed it against my clit.

  Shit…

  My eyes closed and head fell back. I saw my clit clear as day. It was fat, ugly, and so so sensitive. Again, Ashton knew this. I could tell by the way he watched me when he rubbed us together. He started with his head, then rolled his hips so the shaft brushed up. My fists clenched as I stood on my elbows.

  “Don’t close your eyes yet, Tori,” he whispered huskily.

  “I can’t…”

  “Can’t what?”

  “Keep them. Open.” I swallowed in between words, the lifting in my stomach started again. My hips rode against the pleasure.

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s embarrassing.” I breathed. “What you’re doing to me. I c
an’t help it.”

  I heard him chuckle, his voice still thick. “You’re not supposed to. I am.” Ashton kissed my open lips. “I want to see you come again.”

  That’s when I opened my eyes. Is that what those things were? I was coming? Like orgasms?

  He widened his thighs again and stroked himself while rubbing his dick on my slimy…oasis. Powerhouse. It was a powerhouse because of all the goodness I felt from it.

  “Ash…” I lifted my thighs, bracing myself for what I, now, knew was coming.

  He pushed my left knee out to open me more, and my right did the same. The minute my feet touched the mattress the fireworks went off again and my body rolled against him again. This time, I was bolder, wanting it, too, until the powerhouse got to be too sensitive and I backed away.

  Ashton scooted up the bed for me, licking my titties and sucking my nipples. It was sloppy and wild. He moved up to my neck, hitting sensitive areas as my nails clawed his back, wanting him close. Then he rubbed against me again. Sitting up, he moved his swollen dick over me: on my clit and under it. He used his head and shaft. When he pulled it down so his head was at my opening, my abs scrunched. I wasn’t ready for that, but it felt so good when he circled just his head there, rimming me. This was getting more and more embarrassing by the minute. How did I have all these places on my body making me feel this good and not know? But again, I remembered Ashton was different. He was smart, knew shit. This shit.

  He stroked us against my wetness. How did I get this wet? He teased my clit, rimmed my…oasis, going back and forth. Ashton flicked my nipple with his tongue as his hips moved harder, his stroke stronger. When I began to buck against him so hard, my titties bounced in his face, the erotic sight was too powerful and I closed my eyes. But my hips were off the mattress and I rubbed against him until I felt myself about to “cum” again and met the pleasure with more confidence. My lips were pressed together as I breathed hard and loud through my nose.

  “Fuck. No, Nabby—” Ashton pulled from me, laying his thick body on my chest, grinding into my belly hard.

  His breaths were loud, violent. Then he kissed me, pushing this…emotion down my throat. And I took it, trusting him. The thought to wrap my arms around his hard, flexing back while he moved wildly over me crossed my mind, but I wasn’t brave enough to do it. I wished I could have held him protectively until he stopped, but instead, my hands clawed the sheet. For a minute, Ashton lay on top of me without moving, and I could tell he was trying to catch his breath. When he lifted, I understood what happened. His cum was on my belly and beneath my tits.

  When his eyes reached mine, I saw concern in them. Was it regret? Shame? I hoped not. I was fine. Weirdly, perfectly fine.

  “Did we…?” I clapped my mouth shut, not able to finish the question.

  Panting, Ashton’s eyes closed and he shook his head. “It killed me not to, but no, we didn’t.”

  “Then why did it sound like something scared you?”

  “You went wild the last time I was down there and we almost did…” His throat coarse.

  He sat up on his knees, catching his breath. One hand gripping his waist as his attention was across the room, I could tell something was off.

  “What’s wrong?” I tried not panicking. He looked at me for a while, but didn’t speak. I shook my head, growing scared. “Please don’t do this—”

  “Aivery and I aren’t broken up.”

  “I know,” rushed through tight lips as I covered my chest.

  Ashton shook his head. “But…” His eyes rolled up and squeezed closed. “We’re not together.”

  My eyes bounced all over his face—naked body. “I ‘on’t get it.”

  He took a deep breath. “I don’t want to talk about it, but I need you to know, because you…stay inside your damn head so much, Tori. You can view me as an asshole or the bad guy, who cheated on his girlfriend with you, but I don’t want you feeling responsible for it.”

  I believed he wanted me to respond when he waited without another word.

  “I don’t understand.” I was more coherent this time, protectiveness thawing.

  “It’s a long story, but I haven’t ‘been’ with Aivery since last spring. The end of last school year when I found out I wasn’t her first.”

  “She cheated on you?”

  “No. Not exactly. She made me feel like I was her first because when I met her, she was still a virgin. We dated for a minute before we got exclusive. That in-between dating time is when she lost her virginity to a guy I had a serious beef with. He damn near killed me when I was pledging Alpha Omega Psi. She knew the history—everybody knew the history. I felt—still feel—betrayed.”

  His mouth twisted, eyes fell. “And while it ain’t a reason to—” His hand motioned between our naked bodies. “—enjoy you like this, I don’t want you to think you’ve been breaking up a happy home.”

  “So are you guys a couple or not?” My tone was harsh, but this was important to me.

  Licking then poking his lips, he took a deep breath. “I don’t fuckin’ know what we are, Nabby-girl.” His voice was low. “If I can be honest?” His eyes were on me, and I nodded. “I’ve felt closer to you since the start of the semester than I have…anybody in a long time.”

  “Don’t say that.”

  “Why?”

  “Because.” I swallowed. “You don’t mean it.”

  “I think you know I’m not afraid to tell you the truth at this point, Tori.”

  He was right. Even when it hurt or didn’t make sense, Ashton said things that rattled me all the time. As I stared at him, I began chewing on my top lip, tasting myself. My eyes dropped to his limp dick, and Ashton followed my line of sight.

  “Come on.” He reached for me. “Let’s get showered so you can get some sleep. You looked cute, but knackered when I picked you up.”

  He managed me off the bed and straddled onto him. I buried my face beneath his chin with my arms wrapped around his neck, bracing being seen by his mother as we crossed the hall.

  Chapter Eight

  -THEN-

  I woke up again. Since we fell out after the shower, I’d been going in and out of sleep. I was excited, worried, and anxious all at the same damn time.

  Tori McNabb let me eat her pussy...

  She let me...touch her how I’d been wanting to for a while now. And as tense as she was, KaToria McNabb liked it. She even let me go down on her again in the shower. Wow... It all felt surreal. I was living in sempiternal time suspension and didn’t know if it was good or not.

  I also couldn’t believe the shit I’d copped to as far as what I had been feeling for her. That was some sucka shit, but it kept spilling from my mouth once I’d gotten started. I kept telling myself, it was a good thing she said no sex tonight. It would have been wrong—what we’d done was wrong. I had a girlfriend, and Tori didn’t deserve the backlash of it. She’d already been having a time fitting in at Blakewood. This could send her on a social spiral for the rest of her academic career if she didn’t stand up for herself.

  Realizing I hadn’t heard her hard breaths since awakening this time, I shifted and turned around. Tori was curled on her side, facing me. She smiled with her eyes, in her Tori way. Her hair was back in a ponytail, making her look younger and natural.

  “Did you want Aivery to be a virgin?” she whispered.

  Damn…

  Wasn’t prepared for that. I had to take my mind back to those days.

  “It didn’t matter if she was a virgin or not. I honestly didn’t think she was before she told me, and that was cool with me.” I snorted. “I’m the last person who can put demands or preferences on someone’s sexual experience, considering my sordid one.”

  She shrugged with one shoulder. “I ‘on’t think anybody should be judged because of their sexual past.”

  I reached over to stroke the side of her head for comfort. “Did you think I’d judge you? Is that why you didn’t want to?”

  Her head m
oved over the pillow. “I’ve never done it before.”

  “You’ve never done what?”

  I could hear her swallow as her eyes bounced across my face. “Any of it.”

  I schooled my face. “You’ve never had intercourse or oral before?”

  “Not on me,” she whispered, letting me know she was withholding something.

  “You’ve…gone down on other people?”

  “Not women or girls.”

  “Other boys.” I nodded, wanting her comfortable. Shit. I now lived for Tori McNabb’s peace.

  “Men.” The muscles around her eyes strained. “I’ve gone down on men, Ashton.” I was stunned, utterly confused, and didn’t know what to ask or say next. Men as in eighteen and over because she was? What? “I was molest—” The last syllable was released so softly, it dissipated into the air.

  My stomach flipped at the memory of my high praises of her fellatio skills. I felt sick at the fact of her blowing my mind. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I’m fine. I’m not broken.”

  Just bruised…

  Don’t ask me how, but I was finally able to understand the idiosyncrasies of one Tori McNabb.

  “I’m confident you aren’t.” I couldn’t stop stroking her temple.

  It felt like an eternity before she whispered again. “Why did you come get me?”

  I swiped my nose and tried to answer casually, “Because I missed you.”

  “I’m glad.”

  I chuckled drily. My torment made her happy. I’d take it. “Thanks for leaving me hanging.”

  “You caught me, though.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You were right. I didn’t exactly have the money to meet you back at the airport. I was waiting on my mother to give me money she owes me to catch the bus to New Brunswick. Then I was going to have my friend drop me off at the airport. I haven’t slept much since my last night in my dorm bed.” Her voice cracked. “She made me so fucking mad.” I didn’t rush Tori. I knew I shouldn’t. She would open when ready. So I waited. “As soon as I got back into town, I heard she’s back with her ex. He…” She heaved in a breath. “I don’t like him around, and she knows it.”