Our Muted Recklessness (Muted Hopelessness Book 2)

by Love Belvin

  I handed him my empty glass for more. “So, that means you greeted Mr. Robert when he came in.”

  Jimmy put out his shrunken cigarette, then took my glass to pour more. “This is true.” His voice was low, blue. “I tried to calm myself enough to read him for the first hour. I thought he was straight at first. He hid himself so well. But when he kept looking at me with those hopeless eyes that were dark and filled with muted pain, I eventually realized there was a connection.”

  “What connection?” I giggled. “Did he say anything?”

  Jimmy shook his head. “He didn’t have to, but he did eventually, which confirmed it all.”

  “What did he say?”

  He handed me the glass with a little more scotch than the first. “Sip that slower than the first. It’ll be your last, dear heart.” Snapping in line with an elder, I nodded, promising to obey. “By the end of the night, the club was closed down and Robert was still there, telling me about his overbearing, hyper-religious mother who was making demands on his life he felt were unfair and unnatural.”

  “Like what?”

  “Wanting a grandbaby.” His lips were pursed as he nodded, eyes still to the floor. “Robert didn’t want to be a father. He wanted to be the biggest burger slinger in the world. He wanted to commit himself to work, not to a traditional family. That was until the girl he had been “entertaining” to mollify his mother, told him she was pregnant a few days before he showed to my club. He was torn…in pain. I let him dump it all on me, knowing he saw no future with us. The next morning when he left my basement apartment without the eggplant colored tie, Robert said he was going to do the right thing with the young woman.”

  “Ms. Wanda Lee,” I concluded.

  Jimmy nodded his head. “So when Mr. Vandross came in and sang that song, it was like putting the last damn nail in the coffin of hope for me.” His beetle face turned to finally look at me. “I fell in love with that man that first night when his heart was broken.”

  “Did he keep in touch?”

  “Marginally.” His face lifted in a miserable grin that twisted my heart. “He tried the first year of his son’s life to keep up the lie. He appeared in my bed sparingly, buying me expensive gifts, sending me on extravagant vacations. But he never met me in truth.”

  “Until?”

  “Until the lie almost killed him. By the time Ashton turned three, Robert had lost massive weight, grew out hair all over—looked nothing like the debonair “straight” man who strolled into the juke joint. He was about to lose controlling interest in the company to one of his partners because Robert wasn’t tending to the needs of the business. He was rude to his partners and employees. Just incorrigible!” Jimmy shivered.

  “And it wasn’t just with work. He was cold to me. Called me all types of names and was rude to me, but could never stay away. It was miserable. So…” He took a deep breath. “I told him to leave my little basement apartment on Mill Street. He had a posh condo in Garret Mountain. Why was he so comfortable in my humble spot anyway? It was over. I couldn’t deal with the abuse—and never mind the lie.”

  I took another sip, too eager for more to react to the burn. “But you ended up together.”

  “Because he finally told his mother to go fuck off, dear heart. The worst part of it was telling Ms. Wanda Lee the full truth. She’d suspected Robert was gay, but he denied.” Laughter spit from his lips and Jimmy hung his head, cracking up. “Child, Wanda Lee is a goddamn spitfire. She set his condo on fire.”

  “What?” My mouth hung open.

  Jimmy laughed, nodding that I’d heard right. “Almost burned that shit down!”

  “Anybody get hurt?”

  He tried sipping his drink, taking a while to swallow it down because he was still laughing. “No.” Jimmy shook his head again. “No one was there. Robert was at my place, and Wanda and Ashton never lived there, but always had access.” He shrugged. “Anyway, Robert purchased this place a couple of months later, and we moved in.”

  “Who?”

  “Just Robert and me.” He grabbed another cigarette and his lighter. “I knew the place wasn’t for me. It was for his son.” I watched his sophisticated movements, lighting and inhaling the cigarette. “You see, his highbrow mother, Rosemary Spencer, didn’t feel Robert turning himself into a self-made millionaire was enough. He had to date girls, marry one, and give her a grandchild.”

  “She’s a bossy one, huhn?”

  “Extremely. When her husband died, Robert became an obsession, and it almost broke him. But the grandchild wasn’t for her, per se. She was clear, Robert having a child was for his legacy. He needed an heir to take over the business he’d started. Rosemary knew she couldn’t do that for him. She’s too old. The fast-food restaurant business is a long-term game. She demanded that to protect her son. I guess I can understand that.”

  “Does Ashton want to take over B-Way Burger?”

  “That, you’ll have to ask him, dear heart. He barely speaks to me.” I watched Jimmy take a drink and a smoke before he continued, “I’ve been doing my part all these years with making sure he accesses his and the company’s quarterly earnings. I had to learn the system to stay on top of his lawyers and accountants. Many are the same people Robert worked with since he made his first million. And that Rosemary makes sure I stay on Ashton.”

  “What about Ms. Wanda? Does she stay on you, too—to stay on top of Ashton?”

  “No.” He shook his head. “Wanda Lee and I have been cordial over the years since Robert died, but she doesn’t speak of the money or business. It could be because she has her own relationship with one of the accountants and both the lawyers.”

  “So, he doesn’t have to do anything? His father set everything in motion for him?” My eyes swept around the living room. “All of this was left to him? And all he has to do is breathe?”

  Jimmy blew out smoke. “Not exactly. Ashton knows how to make calls regarding money. He’s got a good heart, too—though you’d do well not telling him I think so. He’s kept a few of the staff members after Robert passed. He pays their salaries, just as his father would have. He’s generous to his mother, too.”

  That I knew from Thanksgiving. The thought of a kid giving his mother a luxury car still blew my mind. But I had been sensing Ashton’s generosity—had been experiencing it. Even now, I knew the gifts I managed for him wouldn’t compare to whatever he got me. That was if he’d gotten me anything at all.

  “Is he anything like his father?” I was so desperate to know more about the strange and bossy human I’d been giving my body to.

  “A lot,” he murmured, eyes out to the dancing fire.

  “How?”

  “They’re both abundantly confident men, both with brilliant minds, and both have and had impeccable taste. The only person Robert backed down to was his mother. But I told you much of that changed with me.” He shrugged. “Sir Ashton? Well, that remains to be seen.”

  “What do you mean?”

  That’s when Jimmy shifted in his seat to face me. His eyes bore into me with a meaning I didn’t quite get right away. “Sir Ashton has a girlfriend, dear heart.”

  My eyes rolled away. “I know.”

  “Your name is not Aivery. You don’t look like her, talk like her, or behave like her.”

  I lifted my chin. “And you don’t like her.” I knew it from his statement earlier.

  “I don’t.” He didn’t flinch. “But Rosemary adores her. Aivery comes from social status, exudes class, and is well-postured physically and in society. And you?” He took a long sip of his drink. I found myself gulping back the rest of mine. Fuck the burn.

  “What about me?”

  “You’re like me.” His brows lifted. “You’re not packaged correctly. You’re…”

  “Unpolished?” I straightened my spine. “Poor?”

  “Reckless is what I was going to say.” His head tilted. “And so is Sir Ashton. I don’t know anything about your finances, but I do know the type Rosema
ry Spencer thinks she is and knows what she wants of her kinfolk. She wants the best.”

  “You don’t think I can be?” I cleared my throat nervously, chin lifted again.

  Ashton made me feel I was good enough to hang out with, spend money on, help with school beyond his duties as a tutor. I may not have been his girlfriend, but I was enough for him to be kind to.

  His cheeks lifted in a smile as he stared at me. Jimmy took another sip. “I think you’re a diamond in the rough, just like I was when I came up against an unexpected opponent named Rosemary Spencer. I think Sir Ashton knows that, too, which is why I ask, again,”—He tucked his fist beneath his chin—“why are you here? Why did he make these unusual, inconvenient, and costly arrangements for a young woman whose name isn’t Aivery Renee Cooper?”

  As I stared deeply at Jimmy, my chest heaved. I was out of breath and speechless. It was the way Ashton always left me. Breathless and confused and without words to make sense of his actions. No, someone like Jimmy couldn’t understand what Ashton saw in me. Neither did I. I wasn’t rich, pretentious, polished, and sexy.

  But still…

  I was happy—was thrilled—by what Ashton Spencer made me feel. I was sure he didn’t treat me like he did his girlfriend, but he made me feel alive and less confused about the mess that was me after Paul stripped me of desiring human intimacy. Before Ashton, I was clueless about my femininity and ability to enjoy my body…and someone else’s. Ashton awakened a craving in me I thought I was incapable of and was actually fine with. Now I craved human, physical connection…with him. And Ashton knew it. He enjoyed getting me off then teasing me with the carrot that was him not being available because he had a girlfriend. He knew my handicap, made it so I was okay with accepting what he gave in attention, sex, and time. Ashton understood my condition and knew I was okay with the terms he provided.

  Now, how could I explain that to this man who seemed to know Ashton Spencer better than most?

  My lips parted and I inhaled, prepared to answer.

  “You still smoking, little Jimmy?” The sinister in that deep baritone made my nipples tingle. “I thought we talked about that.”

  The beetle’s face opened in a smile, unsurprised by the insult. “Sir, Spencer.” His eyes were on me as he sang. “It’s nearly three in the morning. I think it’s a safe time for me to explore my only vice.”

  “Only?” Ashton scoffed from behind us. “Let’s not front for Ms. McNabb here.”

  Finally, I turned around to find him. Ashton’s slanted eyes locked with mine. He looked good in a black motorcycle jacket, gray t-shirt, black jeans, and black Timberland boots. The space between his thighs left room for what swung there. He shifted to lean into the wall, then tossed his chin my way and motioned me to him with the flicking of his fingers.

  My legs moved before my brain did. I smiled sadly at Jimmy, who I officially decided I liked.

  “Night, Jimmy,” I murmured uncomfortably. “Thanks.”

  “You’re very welcome, dear heart.” Jimmy winked. “Merry Christmas.”

  “Merry Christmas,” I returned before turning to take off.

  The closer I stepped toward Ashton, the more I could feel the heat of his need. How? Was this normal? I could sense his anger and desire, and it terrified and excited me. Thrilled me. When I made it to Ashton, I didn’t speak. I headed toward the foyer for the stairs. But he intercepted me with his long arm. His other hand lay over the small of my back possessively.

  “You serving alcohol to someone under the legal drinking age, Jimmy?” Ashton made the tsk sound as he chuckled.

  “Of course, not, Sir Spencer,” Jimmy answered, once again, unperturbed. “We’re going to rectify that in the morning when I card her and she proves she’s twenty-two. I have two of them in the house this holiday season, you know?”

  If my body wasn’t so chaotic, I’d laugh at how Jimmy masterfully managed Ashton’s asshole persona. But I couldn’t with the controlling human this close to me smelling like sin.

  “She’s nice,” I heard Jimmy call out behind me. “Tori’s a lovely young lady, Sir Spencer. You should make a friend out of her.”

  I couldn’t help but look at Ashton. His heavy eyes were on me. Then he leaned in to graze my neck with the tip of his nose. I whimpered as my whole body shivered.

  “Tori doesn’t want to be friends with my kind, Jimmy.” His palm moved further down my ass and Ashton clamped a chunk of me. “That’s probably why you think she’s ‘nice.’” His eyes squinted and Ashton grinned. He shifted to move ahead of me. “Night, Jimmy.”

  With sad love music raining over us, Ashton didn’t lead me to the staircase from the foyer. We went left toward the back of the house, down the hall. His pace not unrushed. That was until I was pushed into the wall and Ashton’s mouth was on me, demanding. His hands clutched my hips to a painful grip. But instead of focusing on the ache there, the one on the inside of me came alive.

  Then his hand found its way between my legs and my eyes burst wide. “No,” I huffed, looking all around.

  Ashton’s head came up, heavy eyes on me. “I’m sure Jimmy told you this is my house when you told him you and I aren’t friends.”

  “When did you hear me say that?”

  “When he said I should make a friend out of you.” The tip of his tongue circled my beating neck.

  “And what does that prove?” I tried delaying him.

  Then his dark, hungry eyes met mine again. His mouth, thankfully, detached from my body bought me time. But his possessive grip on me was uncompromising.

  “It proves you’re a snob, too, Nabby-girl. You think you’re better than my friends and me. You don’t think I’m a good human, and I bet you think you’re better.” His finger flicked between the folds of my pussy and my whole body shivered. “Did you tell little Jimmy that?”

  His voice…the sinister in it, I was all too familiar with and knew he was going to fuck me. Ashton was going to fuck me any minute now, whether I liked it or not because he knew I couldn’t resist him.

  “Did you tell Jimmy how my cock turns you into a fluffy girl, killing that tomboy persona you like to give off?” That cut me. Not as deeply as other nasty things he’d said in the past, but it pierced me. When my eyes fell and tears threatened, his lip curled. “I’ve got fuckin’ feelings, too, Nabby-girl. You think I fuckin’ obsess over just any girl?”

  My eyes crisscrossed his face, inspecting it for clues to the meaning of his words. Next to me, Ashton was unlatching the knob and a door opened. His mouth was on me again, and he lifted me to straddle him just as Brielle’s “My Muted Love” sounded. My fingers found their way to his head, pushing through the thick carpet of his hair.

  The room was dark and smelled of stale air. When I was back on my feet, I could see lamp posts from outside sending shards of light through curtains. It was a storage room. Furniture was all around the ballroom sized space with white sheets covering most. I could make out a large bed, dressers—even a few pinball games.

  When the belt of the housecoat was loosened and the shorts to my pajamas were being pulled down my legs, my head shot down. I could only make out Ashton’s shadow from that angle. He knelt in front of me, and when my ankle was freed, my thighs opened to him automatically.

  “You tell Jimmy how you like your pussy licked and clit sucked like this, Nabby-girl?”

  My eyes fell shut to a squeeze when his wide, warm tongue swept between my lips. I could still hear Brielle beg in the hallway, singing, “…how do I survive my muted love?” Like the weak, heart-confused human I was, I gave in to the sensations shooting up my belly. My back arched against the wall and my hands balled into fists. Ashton licked and licked, causing heat to flash all over. His hands lifted up my stomach, clasping the hem of the tank. When the cotton pushed up over my nipples, my belly contracted and vibrated. I felt crazy and knew I had to look it.

  “You told him how you like me to play with these big things?” Ashton’s fingers thrummed my har
d nipples.

  In seconds, an unexpected orgasm had me barreling over his kneeling frame. Ashton wouldn’t let me ride it out in peace. He cupped my ass, pulling my pussy into his face. I came so hard, my knees gave out on me, a cry ripped through my closed throat. Everything on my body tensed and squeezed, but I couldn’t control anything. And when my clit turned sensitive, I tried pushing him away immediately, but Ashton wouldn’t move.

  “Ashton!” I begged, trying not to scream.

  He didn’t stop until he wanted to, seconds later. Then he was at my face, hands at the sides of my head.

  “You tell him how fuckin’ crazy you drive me with the sweetness of your pussy?”

  He kissed me gently, but I was gone. Emotionally raw. Vulnerable. Dangerously tender. My shaky hands dropped to his waist and unbuckled his belt, then jeans. In my insane state, I pushed them down as far as I could. Then I felt the density of his dick plopping against my belly.

  Ashton groaned. “And I know you didn’t tell him how you enjoy my dick almost as much as I worship you.”

  Water spilled from my eyes. “Who do you want me to be? What do you want from me?”

  He pulled me up by the hips to straddle him, and I was happy to obey. Finally, at eye-level with him, I could look for answers. Understand him. “To accept me…like I accept you. To be helpless with me, the way I feel when it comes to you.”

  “You have a girlfriend.” My lungs burned to produce. “You think it’s really over?”

  I felt him push inside me. Slimy, wet flesh and hard muscle. My spine shivered. Pleasure and pain should never feel this good.

  “And yet, you have me.” His open mouth pushed into my lips.

  Then he began rocking his hips, filling me. My fingers gripped his hard, tight shoulders as I held in the seat his lower arms and palms created for me. My sex was still sensitive, making each thrust he made echo into my core. It was good. So good. But I couldn’t come again. I wasn’t ready. Still, I could die feeling these sensations. How could I be okay feeling this raw? Being stripped emotionally by a mean, controlling asshole of a bully human?