Agatha Raisin and the Quiche of Death ar-1

by M C Beaton

  Flushed with delight, Roy leaped nimbly up on to the stage and cavorted in his cap and bells for the camera. The band then played selections from Mary Poppins as the crowds dispersed, some to the tea-room, some back to the apple-brandy stall, the rest to watch the morris dancing.

  Agatha felt a pang of regret and half wished she had not given Roy the credit. He was beside himself with joy and, followed by the television camera, had gone out to join the morris dancers, where he was turning cartwheels and showing off to his heart's content.

  "Pity it won't make the nationals," mourned Roy as he and Agatha sat later on Agatha's new furniture.

  "If you make the locals, you'll be lucky," said Agatha, made waspish by fatigue. "We'll need to wait now until Monday. I don't think there's a local Sunday paper, and then there's hardly any news coverage on television at the weekends." "Put on the telly," said Roy. They do the Midlands news for a few minutes after the national."

  "They only do about three minutes in all," said Agatha, ' they're hardly going to cover a local auction."

  Roy switched on the television. The local news covered another murder in Birmingham, a missing child in Stroud, a pile-up on the M6, and then, "On a lighter note, the picturesque village of Carsely raised a record sum ... " And there was Roy on the road waving down motorists and then a shot of Agatha running the auction, the singing of "Jerusalem' and then a quick shot of Roy with the morris dancers, "Roy Silver, a London executive and Roy stopping his cavorting to say seriously, "One does what one can for charity."

  "Well," said Agatha, ' I'm surprised."

  "There's another news later," said Roy, searching through the newspaper. "Must video it and show it to old Wilson." "I looked fat," said Agatha dismally.

  "It's the cameras, love, they always put pounds on. By the way, did you ever discover who that woman was, the one on the tower of Warwick Castle?"

  "Oh, her. Miss. Maria Borrow of Upper Cockburn."

  "And?"

  "And nothing. I've decided to let the whole thing rest. Bill Wong, a detective constable, seems to think that the attacks on me have been caused by my Nosy-Parkering."

  Roy looked at her curiously. "You'd better tell me about it." Wearily, Agatha told him what had been happening since she had last seen him.

  "I wouldn't just let it go," said Roy. Tell you what, if you can borrow a bicycle for me, we could both cycle over to this village, Upper Cockburn, and take a look-see. Get exercise at the same time."

  "I don't know ... "

  "I mean, we could just ask around, casual like."

  "I'll think about it after church," said Agatha.

  "Church!"

  "Yes, church service, Roy. Early tomorrow."

  "I'll be glad to get back to the quiet life of London," said Roy with feeling. "Oh, what about the idea for my nurseries?"

  "Oh, that! Well, what about this. Get some new plant or flower and name it after Prince William."

  "Isn't there a rose or something already?"

  "There's a Charles, I think. I don't know if there's a William."

  "And they usually do things like that at the Chelsea Flower Show."

  "Don't be so defeatist. Get them to find some new plant of any kind.

  They're always inventing new things. Fake it if necessary."

  "Can't give gardeners fakes."

  Then don't. Find something, call it the Prince William, hold a party in one of the nurseries. Anything to do with Prince William gets in the papers."

  "Wouldn't I need permission?"

  "I don't know. Find out. Phone up the press office at the Palace and put it to them. Take it from me, they're not going to object. It's a flower, for God's sake, not a Rottweiler."

  His eyes gleamed. "Might work. When does Harvey's open in the morning to sell newspapers?"

  They open for one hour on Sundays. Eight till nine. But you won't find anything, Roy. The nationals weren't at the auction."

  "But if the locals have a good photo, they send it to the nationals."

  Agatha stifled a yawn. "Dream on. I'm going to bed."

  When they walked to church the next morning, Agatha felt she ought to tie Roy down before he floated away. A picture of him had appeared in the Sunday Times. He was dancing with the morris men. Three old village worthies with highly photographable wizened faces were watching the dancing. It was a very good photo. It looked like a dream of rural England. The caption read, "London PR executive, Roy Silver, 25, entertaining the villagers of Carsely, Gloucestershire, after running a successful auction which raised 25,000 for charity." It was all my work, thought Agatha, regretting bitterly having given Roy the credit.

  But at the morning service, the vicar gave credit where credit was due and offered a vote of thanks to Mrs. Agatha Raisin for all her hard work. Roy looked sulky and clutched the Sunday Times to his thin chest.

  After the service, Mrs. Bloxby when appealed to said she had an old bicycle in the garden shed which Roy could use. The least I can do for you, Mrs. Raisin," said Mrs. Bloxby gently. "Not only did you do sterling work but you let your young friend here take all the credit."

  Roy was about to protest that he had stood for hours on the main road looking like an idiot in the name of charity, but something in Mrs. Bloxby's gentle gaze silenced him.

  Upper Cockburn was six miles away and they pedalled off together under the hot sun. "Going to be a scorcher of a summer," said Roy. "London seems thousands of miles away from all this." He took one hand off the handlebars and waved around at the green fields and trees stretched out on either side.

  Agatha suddenly wished they were not going to Upper Cockburn. She wanted to forget about the whole thing now. There had been no further attacks on her, no nasty notes.

  The tall steeple of Upper Cockburn church came into view, rising over the fields. They cycled into the sun-washed peace of the main street.

  There's a pub," said Roy, pointing to the Farmers Arms. "Let's have a bite to eat and ask a few questions. Did this Miss. Borrow go in for village competitions?"

  "Yes, jam-making," said Agatha curtly. "Look, Roy, let's just have lunch and go home."

  Think about it."

  The pub was low and dark, smelling of beer, with a flagged floor and wooden settles dark with age. They sat in the lounge bar. From the public bar Tina Turner was belting something out on the juke-box and there came the click of billiard balls. A waitress, in a very short skirt and with long, long legs and a deep bosom revealed by the low neck of her skimpy dress, bent over them to take their orders. Roy surveyed her with a frankly lecherous look. Agatha gazed at him in dawning surprise.

  "What's made your friend, Steve, moody?" she asked.

  "What? Oh, woman trouble. Got involved with a married woman who's decided that hubby is better after all."

  Well, thought Agatha, these days, with women looking more like men and men looking more like women, you never can tell. Perhaps in thousands of years' time there would be a unisex face and people would have to go around with badges to proclaim their gender. Or maybe the women could wear pink and the men blue. Or maybe.

  "What are you thinking about?" demanded Roy.

  Agatha gave a guilty start. "Oh, about the Borrow woman," she said mendaciously.

  Roy took her now empty gin glass and went to the bar to get her a refill. Agatha saw him talking to the landlord.

  He came back, looking triumphant. "Miss. Maria Borrow lives in Pear Trees, which is the cottage to the left of this pub. There!"

  "I don't know, Roy. It's such a lovely day. Couldn't we just take a look around the village and then go back?"

  "I'm doing this for your own good," said Roy severely. "Gosh, this steak and kidney pudding is great. You know, there's nothing like these English dishes when they're done well."

  "I should have had a salad," mourned Agatha. "I can feel every calorie."

  I'm weak-willed, she thought when she had eaten every scrap of the steak and kidney pudding and she realized she had let Roy talk her into
a helping of hot apple pie with cream, real cream, and not that stuff like shaving soap.

  The waitress came up when they had finished the pie, her high heels clacking on the stone flags of the floor. "Anything else?" she asked.

  "Just coffee," said Roy. That was an excellent meal."

  "Yes, I reckon the part-timer on Sundays does a better job than our Mrs. Moulson during the week," she said.

  "Who's your part-timer?"

  That's John Cartwright from over Carsely way."

  She clacked off. "What's the matter?" asked Roy, seeing Agatha's startled face.

  "John Cartwright's the husband of Ella Cartwright, who was having an affair with Cummings-Browne. Who ever would have thought he could cook? He's a great dirty ape of a man. You see, it could have been done. Someone could have replaced my quiche with one of their own."

  "Again, I have to point out that you would be intended as the victim," said Roy patiently.

  "Wait a bit. Maybe it was intended for Cummings-Browne. Why not?

  Everyone knew he was to be the judge. Perhaps there wasn't enough cow bane in that little piece he nibbled at the show."

  "I'm sure any murderer would have thought of that."

  "But John Cartwright struck me as having the IQ of a plant."

  The waitress brought coffee. When she had gone again, Roy said, "Have you ever wondered about Economides?"

  "What? Why should the owner of The Quicherie, who didn't even know Cummings-Browne or where I was taking the quiche, decide to put cow bane in it?"

  "But from what I've gathered," said Roy, "Economides didn't shriek and complain. Did he demand to see the quiche?"

  T don't think so. But he would want to let the matter drop. Perhaps the John Cartwright in the kitchen is another John Cartwright?"

  "Finish your coffee," urged Roy, ' let's stroll round the back of the pub and take a look in the kitchen door."

  Agatha paid the bill and they walked together into the sunlight. "How do you know the kitchen's at the back?" she asked.

  "Just a guess. We'll try to the right because the car-park's to the left."

  They walked round the building. Agatha was about to enter a small area of dustbins and outhouses when she drew back with a yelp and collided into Roy. "It is John Cartwright," she said. "He's standing outside the kitchen door smoking a cigarette."

  "Let me see." Roy pushed her aside and peered cautiously round the corner of the building. John Cartwright was leaning against the doorway, holding a home-made cigarette in one large dirty hand. His apron was stained with grease and gravy. The sun shone on the tattoos on his black hairy arms.

  "I feel sick," said Roy, retreating. "He looks filthy. Food poisoning oozing out of every dirty pore." T think we've done enough for one day said Agatha. "Let's leave this Borrow woman alone." "No/ said Roy stubbornly. "We're so close."

  Maria Borrow's cottage was low and thatched and very old. The small diamond-paned windows winked in the sunlight and the little garden was a riot of roses, honeysuckle, snapdragons, delphiniums and busy Lizzies. Roy nudged Agatha and pointed to the brass door-knocker, which was in the shape of a grinning devil.

  "What are we going to say?" asked Agatha desperately.

  "Nothing like the truth retorted Roy, seizing the door knocker The low door creaked open, and Miss. Maria Borrow stood there. Her greyish hair was scraped up into a knot on the top of her head. Her eyes were pale. They looked past Roy to where Agatha stood cringing behind him.

  "I knew you would come she said and she stood aside to let them enter.

  They found themselves in a low-beamed living-room crowded with furniture and photographs in silver frames. From the beams hung bunches of dried herbs and flowers. On a low table in front of a chair on which Maria Borrow placed herself was a crystal ball.

  Roy giggled nervously. "See us coming in that?" he asked.

  Maria nodded her head several times. "Oh, yes." She was wearing a long purple woollen gown despite the heat of the day. "You have come to make amends she said, turning to Agatha. "You and your fancy man." "Mr. Silver is a young friend said Agatha. Tn fact, Mr. Silver is considerably younger than I."

  "A lady is as young as the gentleman she feels said Roy and cackled happily. "Look/ he said, becoming serious, ' were visiting Warwick Castle and took a video on one of the towers. When we ran it, there you were, glaring at Aggie here like poison. We want to know why."

  "You poisoned my future husband said Maria.

  There was a silence. A trapped fly buzzed against one of the windows and from the village green outside came muted shouts and the thud of cricket ball on bat.

  Agatha cleared her throat. "You mean Mr. Cummings-Browne."

  Maria nodded her head madly. "Oh, yes, yes; we were engaged to be married."

  "But he was married already exclaimed Roy.

  Maria waved a thin hand. "He was divorcing her."

  Agatha shifted uneasily. Vera Cummings-Browne was not much of a looker, but she was streets ahead of Maria Borrow, with her greyish face, thin lips, and pale eyes.

  "Had he told her?" asked Roy.

  "I believe so."

  Agatha looked at her uneasily. Maria seemed so calm.

  "Were you lovers?" asked Roy.

  "Our union was to be consummated on Midsummer's Eve," said Maria. Her pale eyes shifted to Agatha. "I am a white witch but I know evil when I see it. You, Mrs. Raisin, were an instrument of the devil."

  Agatha rose to her feet. "Well, we needn't keep you any longer," she said. She felt claustrophobic. All she wanted to do was to escape into the sunlight, into the sights and sounds of ordinary village life.

  "But you will be punished," went on Maria, as if Agatha had not spoken.

  "Evil deeds are always punished. I will see to that."

  Roy forced a light note. "So if anything happens to Aggie here, we'll know where to look."

  "You will not know where to look," said Maria Borrow, ' it will be done by the supernatural powers I conjure up."

  Agatha turned on her heel and walked out. There was a game of cricket taking place on the village green, leisurely, placid, with little knots of spectators standing about.

  "I'm scared," she said when Roy joined her. The woman's barking mad."

  "Let's walk away from the cottage a bit," said Roy. "I'm beginning to think that Reg Cummings-Browne would have screwed the cat."

  "He probably took what he could," said Agatha. "He was hardly an Adonis. We shouldn't have come, Roy. Something always happens to me after I've been asking questions. Let's just enjoy the rest of the day."

  They went to get their bikes, which were chained to a fence beside the pub. As they were mounting, John Cart-wright came around the side of the pub. Lunch-time was over. He had discarded his apron. He stopped short at the sight of them and glowered. They pedalled off as fast as they could.

  On the road home, Roy struck a rock and catapulted over the handlebars, fortunately landing on the soft grass at the side of the road. He was winded but unhurt. "You see what can happen?" he said. "You really ought to wear a cycling helmet, Aggie."

  The rest of the day passed pleasantly, until Agatha ran him into Oxford and waved goodbye to him at the station.

  The next day, she remembered his remark about cycling helmets and bought one at a shop in Moreton-in-Marsh. Although she had a cottage cheese salad for lunch and a chicken salad for dinner, she still felt fat. Exercise was called for. She put on her new helmet and got out her bike and pedalled up out of the village, having to get off several times and push. The light was fading as clouds were beginning to build up in the evening sky. At the top of the road, Agatha turned her bike about, looking forward to the long free-wheeling ride down into Carsely. The air was warm and sweet. Tall hedges and trees flew past.

  She felt she was flying, flying like a witch on her broomstick.

  So exhilarated was she by the feeling of speed and freedom that she did not see the thin wire stretched chest-high across the road. Her bike went fl
ying on as she crashed on her head on the road. She was dimly aware of rapid footsteps approaching her and her terrified mind registered that the wire had been no accident and that someone was probably coming now to kill her.

  Chapter Nine.

  Dazed, Agatha sensed rather than saw her assailant coming nearer and something made her summon up all her efforts and roll across the hard surface of the road just as a heavy weapon smashed down where she had been lying.

  "Stop!" shouted a voice. Agatha's attacker ran off and she dizzily hoisted herself up on one elbow. She got a glimpse of a dark figure breaking through a gap in the hedge at the side of the road and then she was blinded with the light of a bicycle lamp.

  Bill Wong's voice came loud and clear. "Where did he go?" "Over there," said Agatha faintly, waving an arm in the direction in which her assailant had fled. Bill left his bike by the side of the road and then plunged off through the hedge.

  Agatha slowly moved her arms and legs, then she sat up and groggily took off her helmet. Her first coherent thought was, Damn Roy, why didn't he let me leave things as they were? She slowly got up on her feet and then was violently sick. Shakily she inched along the road until she came to her bike. She picked it up and then stood trembling.

  An owl sailed across in front of her and she yelped with fear. The heavy silence of the countryside pressed in on her. Suddenly she knew she could not wait for Bill Wong to return. Hoping her bike was undamaged, she mounted and free-wheeled slowly down into Carsely. No one was about the deserted village. She turned into Lilac Lane, noticing that there were no lights burning in Mrs. Barr's cottage.

  She let herself into her own and then shut and locked the door. How flimsy that Yale lock now looked. She would get a security firm to put in burglar alarms and those lights which came on the minute anyone even approached the cottage. She went into her living-room and poured herself a stiff brandy and lit a cigarette. She tried to think but her mind seemed numb with fright. A knocking at the door made her start and spill some of her brandy. She didn't even have a spy hole "Who is it?" she quavered.